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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mix gender sleepover

83 replies

noprobllamas · 31/08/2018 16:57

DD has been invited to a sleepover for her friend's 12th birthday next weekend with a few other children from her class. There will be 3 boys, 2 girls there. She was a bit hesitant at first as it's her first sleepover but decided she wanted to go in the end. Both her dad and my DP (her step dad) don't think she should go with there being 3 boys there. So i supose I'm asking WIBU just to let her go anyway if she still wants to in a weeks time

OP posts:

Eifla · 31/08/2018 17:00

What exactly do you think is going to happen?

loveyouradvice · 31/08/2018 17:01

It's a tough one... My DD started doing mixed sleepovers at this age... I would suggest talking to the parent who is hosting, and ensure you feel happy with their approach.

I think I would find out what the two men are worried about and help them understand how normal this is... and also insist that she doesn't go if for any reason the other girl drops out, especially given this is her first mixed sleepover....

Good luck... tough to navigate this age group. She will have fun!

1HitWonder · 31/08/2018 17:09

Personally I would not be 100% comfortable with this. Not to scare, but I went to school with people that started having sex from around that age (I was a late bloomer myself) so I think it’s a bit too young still to be allowing this.

But as the other poster said, maybe chat with the parent(s) whos home it will be at? They may all be genuine friends who have no romantic interest in eachother!

Harrykanesrightsock · 31/08/2018 17:13

Nope. I’m in my 40s and even when I was at school, kids were starting to experiment at that age. It’s just too much for a 12 year old to deal with if any thing untowards happens.

thegardenfairy · 31/08/2018 17:31

At age 10 I would have allowed my dd to a friends sleepover with boys and girls. At age 12 NO! Reason being my dd and her friends all had boyfriends from year 5. I took it to be just another development stage, where they were practising for the real relationship stage at 16 or so.

One evening my dd came in, from being out with her usual friends (the boyfriend/girlfriends), looking rather pale and shocked. It turns out that two of the girls had sex that night with their "boyfriends". They were 11 and 12 years old! 😱 The boys were 12/13.

I was gobsmacked! I am so glad dd was shaken by it. She refused to have another boyfriend until she was 17. She still mentions it now.

The sexual experimental age was 13/14 when I was a mere slip of a lass.... Many moons ago

Original poster

noprobllamas · 31/08/2018 17:32

I can see why it might not be the best idea but i'm thinking along the lines of how DD might benefit from this sleepover. She's always struggled making friends but she quite good friends with the boy who invited her. She's been round there before since I'm friends with his mum so it's a familiar place. Since they're going to the same secondary school i thought it might help her settle in if at the end of next week she's having a hard time doing so (she'll have been there for 3 days by then)

OP posts:

Yikesisthatmeinthemirror · 31/08/2018 17:33

Eifla do you have no imagination?

BringOnTheScience · 31/08/2018 18:12

Key question - will the host parents be there? If yes, I'd say that any inappropriate activity will not take place.

Both if my DCs have been on muxed sleepovers. The norm is either everyone all together in the lounge (so no privacy or couples) or boys & girls in different rooms. Mind you, neither of my DCs are straight, so single gender sleepovers have the same potential as mixed!!!

NapQueen · 31/08/2018 18:14

Id host a mixed sleepover, with them splitting off to separate bedrooms around midnight (and hanging out til then in the living room). Id check the situation with the parents.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 31/08/2018 18:15

It's a mixed sex sleepover. Biology states this.

Grated · 31/08/2018 18:16

I remember my first mixed gender sleep over we all just snogged each other all night....good times

NotAgainYoda · 31/08/2018 18:19

I've never allowed my boys on mixed sex sleepovers. No sensible parent I know has ever hosted one. You might want to check that the parents have even sanctioned this

NotAgainYoda · 31/08/2018 18:21

If yes, I'd say that any inappropriate activity will not take place

Do you think they'll stty up all night?

LadybirdsAreBirds · 31/08/2018 18:23

Your DD settling in at Secondary will not depend on this sleepover. It's even possible something will happen that could put her off these people.

Secretsquirrel101 · 31/08/2018 18:24

Oh god I'd never allow that, although I do absolutely understand why you're reluctant to say no. I'm just very conscious of the fact that all sorts of shenanigans used to go on at mixed sleepovers when I was that age.

PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 18:27

No I wouldn't allow this! I also know people who started having sex at this age so there's no way I'd allow my DC to go to a mixed sex sleepover.

LadybirdsAreBirds · 31/08/2018 18:33

.... by the way, I wasn't talking about sexual activity (although that's a possibility). Just the stress of her first sleepover. She knows the kids involved - she doesn't need to sleepover with them. Put it this way - did she have a year 6 residential? If so, boys and girls would not have been allowed anywhere near each other at nighttime

Original poster

noprobllamas · 31/08/2018 18:48

She decided not to go to the year 6 residential. I'm not saying her settling in depends on this sleepover but i thought maybe it would help her get to know the othere there a bit more and gain more confidence with talking to people

OP posts:

LOL7 · 31/08/2018 18:50

Personally I would allow it. If kids are going to start having sex at that age, then they will do it whether they are at a sleepover or not. I was assaulted at age 12 so I didn't have sex until 17 but a couple of my friends were having sex aged 12-13 in parks/fields/subway tunnels.
Chances are it will be all the kids together in one room, eating sweets and watching movies! You will know what the kids personalities are like and will be able to judge from that :)

LadybirdsAreBirds · 31/08/2018 18:50

Sleepovers are a stressful place to learn about talking to people, IMO. Try not to worry

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 31/08/2018 18:53

" What exactly do you think is going to happen? "
well if you don't know, ask your mum

CherryPavlova · 31/08/2018 18:53

Speak to the parents about the level of supervision and sleeping arrangements. Twelve is difficult to gauge and better a child take longer to settle than feel they have to participate in untoward activities to achieve peer approval.
At twelve, I’d always have spoken to the parents before allowing sleepovers. Unless it was a long established friendship. It’s old enough to try and arrange an illicit party but too young to take responsibility.

witchy89 · 31/08/2018 18:53

Can't you have a chat with her and explain that she can call you at any point during the evening if she feels pressured or uncomfortable and you will come and pick her up? She is old enough to know about sex and consent and the best way to ensure she doesn't start experimenting too young is to be open and honest with her and show that you trust her. By not allowing her to go your instilling the idea that boys and girls being left alone is wrong and that it's something to keep a secret, which obviously it's not. I had great friendships with boys when I was that age and would have sleepovers all the time. I wouldn't of touched them with a barge pole 😂

Katjolo · 31/08/2018 18:56

Absolutely not! Very irresponsible of the parents who are hosting this. Very weird!

winegummms · 31/08/2018 19:00

No I wouldn't allow it, there's potential for sexual activity your daughter isn't ready for.

It wouldn't stop me encouraging the friendships using other means though,

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