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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mix gender sleepover

83 replies

noprobllamas · 31/08/2018 16:57

DD has been invited to a sleepover for her friend's 12th birthday next weekend with a few other children from her class. There will be 3 boys, 2 girls there. She was a bit hesitant at first as it's her first sleepover but decided she wanted to go in the end. Both her dad and my DP (her step dad) don't think she should go with there being 3 boys there. So i supose I'm asking WIBU just to let her go anyway if she still wants to in a weeks time

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 31/08/2018 19:03

I’d talk to the mum and ask what the set up will be. I’d talk to my dd and ask if she fancies any of the boys going, and what she would do if one of them fancied her and was putting pressure on her.
I’d go through different scenarios with her including peer pressure.
Kids are so easily pressured , I’d want her to know what to do and say I’m any given dodgy situation.

pastaandpestoagain · 31/08/2018 19:04

Talk to the parents about your concerns they are reasonable and see what if any boundaries they have put in place. Make your decision based on that. We have mixed sex twins and a rule of same sex bedrooms for sleepovers, but we also let other parents know this upfront in case they have worries.

bellinisurge · 31/08/2018 19:13

No. Full stop.

loveyouradvice · 31/08/2018 19:23

Yup same sex bedrooms at that age is a good idea... as is liaising with mum of other girl....

That said, I totally agree with this
The norm is either everyone all together in the lounge (so no privacy or couples) or boys & girls in different rooms.

And DD now has lots of sleepovers with mates and was really shocked when I talked about sex... These are my MATES Mum.... she's very clear about who she fancies and who she doesn't (and also laughingly brought up the same sex thing!) and don't know if it's unusual but relationships tend to happen outside of their tight knit friendship group

puzzledlady · 31/08/2018 19:28

No. I plan to only allow my daughter to do this at 16 Grin for my son - potentially 18, he’s only 1.5 now but he has a very naughty little face so im nervous. Grin

ScattyCharly · 31/08/2018 19:31

It will vary massively from child to child but many 12yos will engage in sexual activity. I’d be very careful.

Original poster
noprobllamas · 31/08/2018 19:31

as is liaising with mum of other girl
When did i do this? Confused

OP posts:
Unihorn · 31/08/2018 19:38

I had a very close mixed sex friendship group when I was 12/13 so we would stay at each others' houses during every school holiday pretty much. We were more like siblings than anything else. Also two of us girls ended up being in a relationship with each other for a couple of years anyway, so being of the opposite sex isn't necessarily a guarantee of no "funny business" anyway.

So in my opinion it depends completely on the dynamics of the group. I don't think people can just say absolutely not every time.

agnurse · 31/08/2018 19:39

Personally I would not be allowing it. The ONLY time I would allow my kid to have a mixed gender sleepover is when she and her friends are old enough to drink, and then there would be controlled alcohol use (Hubby and I as bartenders; anyone caught with unauthorized alcohol would be kicked out), all the kids stay the night, but the boys are in one room with Hubby in there with them and the girls and I are in another room.

minnierose3 · 31/08/2018 19:45

No way I'd be happy with this

garethsouthgatesmrs · 31/08/2018 19:46

I am normally quite laid back but no I wouldn't do this. 12 is too old.

deepsea · 31/08/2018 19:46

Your dd is too old for a mixed sleepover now. I was 'pushed' into sexual activity that I had no intention or desire to be involved in at this precise age. Some girls are not assertive or confident enough to know how to deal with this.
No way would I put my own dds in this position. What was the host thinking?! It is naive in the extreme.

deepsea · 31/08/2018 19:48

put my own dds in that position.

And no you can't 'know' the dynamics or motivation of any group by the time they get to 12/13. No parent could possibly second guess accurately.

Theresnodisneyending · 31/08/2018 19:48

I did this a few times as a 12 year old. The boys always tried to cop a feel. We did "spin the bottle", "hide in the cupboard"....Yeah. It was never innocent.

Theresnodisneyending · 31/08/2018 19:49

So basically what I meant was, too old for a mixed sleep over. Don't do it. It was the start of messing me up.

MumsKnitters · 31/08/2018 19:51

Milo

macondo · 31/08/2018 19:51

No I wouldn’t allow it. When I was that age (I’m 32 now) more than a fair few people I knew were starting to become sexually active and were pretty promiscuous.

MumsKnitters · 31/08/2018 19:52

Oops! Wrong thread! I wouldn't allow it.

Sarahandduck18 · 31/08/2018 19:53

No

Original poster
noprobllamas · 31/08/2018 19:54

I was around DD's age when i started feeling attracted to boys but i don't think having sex with them had crossed my mind at that point. I've had conversations with DD about it but I mean DD still looks away and scrunches her nose when she sees people kissing on tv

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 31/08/2018 19:54

I wouldn’t be happy with my sons going to a mixed sex sleepover. Not that I think it would happen, but if anything was to happen sexually then all the blame would automatically be on them because they are boys.

UpstartCrow · 31/08/2018 19:57

I went on mixed sex sleepovers, and have hosted them.
But the difference was, all the kids on those sleepovers were good friends first, sex wasn't an issue, and there was no sexual activity.

If she does go and feels uncomfortable, she'll need to have the bottle to be able to phone you to go pick her up on front of people she doesn't know very well, and will have to face at school afterwards.

PinguDance · 31/08/2018 19:58

I had a mixed friendship group as a teenager and living rurally we often had sleepovers (cos getting home was a pita). It was very common in my school and there was defo snogging and a bit of sexy stuff going on from yr 9 maybe BUT I never got involved and neither did my close pals until we were older because we were sensible kids. If your daughter is sensible and you know the other children I think it could be fine.

0ccamsRazor · 31/08/2018 20:01

Fuck, they will jack up some smack, chase some Charlie and hire strippers and ladyboys, all before nicking a fag-hag-monkey that belongs to the triad. Someone is bound to end up getting married by Elvis, pulling a tooth out and throwing up on the family pet.

Hmm
garethsouthgatesmrs · 31/08/2018 20:02

I was around DD's age when i started feeling attracted to boys but i don't think having sex with them had crossed my mind at that point
Me neither but there are things between sex and a kiss that I wouldnt want my 12 year old to either do or have to witness. Your DD scrunched her nose up and is embarrassed to talk about it with you. That doesn't mean she doesn't fancy boys.

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