Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mix gender sleepover

83 replies

noprobllamas · 31/08/2018 16:57

DD has been invited to a sleepover for her friend's 12th birthday next weekend with a few other children from her class. There will be 3 boys, 2 girls there. She was a bit hesitant at first as it's her first sleepover but decided she wanted to go in the end. Both her dad and my DP (her step dad) don't think she should go with there being 3 boys there. So i supose I'm asking WIBU just to let her go anyway if she still wants to in a weeks time

OP posts:
FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 31/08/2018 20:03

" Fuck, they will jack up some smack, chase some Charlie "
you don't 'chase' Charlie you snort it or sniff it.
No I think the main worry is children having sex.
No need to be silly about it now is there.

Strongmummy · 31/08/2018 20:06

No, I bloody wouldn’t allow it. Why would anyone consider it suitable.

0ccamsRazor · 31/08/2018 20:08

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast

Odfod and unclench

hibbledibble · 31/08/2018 20:08

I'm shocked at the talk of sexual activity at this age. To me 12 is still a baby, and at that age I had never even kissed a boy. I'm not that old either!

LemonysSnicket · 31/08/2018 20:09

I knew someone who lost their virginity aged 11.

Original poster
noprobllamas · 31/08/2018 20:13

I'm shocked at the talk of sexual activity at this age
I wasn't expecting it honestly. DD's only just turned 11, i still see her as really young

OP posts:
FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 31/08/2018 20:15

" Odfod and unclench "

no, love, I am not going to fuck off, nor do I have any need to 'unclench' thannk you.
Idiots like you going on about smack and cocaine in a situation like this, like you are funny, are no help at all.
At least if you are going to reference hard drugs, get it right.

KittenFace · 31/08/2018 20:19

I think it all very much depends on the child(ren) and their friendships. For example, when I was around that age I had mixed sleepovers that involved nothing more than beavis and butthead, chip butties and sleeping in separate rooms. Would never think of 'going there' with close mates that were more like brothers. On the other hand, there were other mixed sleepovers that happened (that I avoided like the plague) where a lot of shenanigans happened!

I think the long and the short of it is, sometimes we just need to trust our kids and make sure that we are there to advise if they need it.

agnurse · 31/08/2018 20:20

Just because you weren't ready for sex and your dd says she isn't, doesn't mean that she'll be safe.

There could well be pressure from other children. I had read once of two young boys bothering a young girl in the schoolyard. They even suggested oral sex. I don't think they were that old - not even as old as your DD IIRC.

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 31/08/2018 20:21

I guess some of the parents on here who are casually referring to underage sex need reminding. The age of consent is 16. Under that age, no matter how happy everyone is, it’s a crime. Even if they are exactly the same age, if they are under 16 they are deemed unable to give consent. Parents can also be done for aiding and abetting.

I think those rules are pretty silly and I know a lot of people start sooner than they might. But I don’t think discussing the details on an Internet forum is all that clever.

bandthenjust · 31/08/2018 20:29

It depends on your child and the kids that are going to be there. 'Stuff' can still happen if it's an all -girl sleepover/all-boy sleepover.
My mate (who is male) used to sleep over at my house all the time, and in my bedroom. Absolutely nothing happened between us Grin we stayed up all night eating crap and messing around on MSN chatrooms. We were fifteen.

0ccamsRazor · 31/08/2018 20:37

noprobllamas only you can make this call, it is a hard one. Would talking to host parents help? Maybe asking if they are all staying in the lounge or having the bedroom door open help?

I have had mixed sex sleep overs, but only in my lounge and the dc all had PJ's and sleeping bags, up to the age of 13. I am not sure what I would do if my dd15 would ask now, I probably would let her as I know her friendship group and she talks very frankly to me in detail! I would hope that she would trust me as I trust her. She is very sensible as are her close friends, both male and female.

PinguDance · 01/09/2018 01:27

I’m surprised by the strong reactions against this too tbh - I know some
children do start behaving sexually at 11/12 but I can’t see it being that common. Confused I guess it’s impossible to know. I’m also surprised some pps would disallow teenage mixed sleepovers completely - I can see why you would when it’s a new friend you don’t know or a teen party but if your kids had actual friends who are boys it seems a bit of a weird message to send- like, he might be your friend but he’ll probably sexually assault you at any given opportunity.

zippey · 01/09/2018 05:32

You have to gauge your child’s personality.

Personally I would allow this. I know some people might be worried that their child starts experimenting sexually but if your child is going to do this, then she is going to do it.

The only way to stop them experimenting is to avoid contact with the opposite sex, or the same sex of they are bi/gay.

The sleepover won’t be the deciding factor. And what’s more likely is tgat they will eat food and have a jolly time without sex shenanigans.

theculture · 01/09/2018 06:34

As pp said a lot is about the group dynamics

As these are a new bunch of people she mail feel under pressure to fit in?

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 01/09/2018 06:38

I probably wouldn't allow it tbh, when I was 11 we had a big All girl sleep over and 'the boys' had one down the road. When all the patents were asleep the boys snuck up and everyone snogged all night. Although I do look back on this fondly, it was all very innocent, a young girl or boy who was not mature enough to deal with that sort of setting could be really uncomfortable or do something they weren't ready for.

Jimdandy · 01/09/2018 06:39

She’s 12. Stop trying to take the innocence of children away.

NotAgainYoda · 01/09/2018 06:48

Jim

Protecting children, is not taking their innocence away. You are naive if you think that 12 year olds aren't sexting, pressuring each other and in some cases having sex

Original poster
noprobllamas · 01/09/2018 08:21

I was thinking about just letting her go for the evening and picking her up at say 9 or 10?

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 01/09/2018 08:28

@noprob, sounds like a very sensible approach.

I just don’t get why some people think that this is ok. Why deliberately put your child in a position where they may feel compromised? And if they want to have sex , engage in sexual activity at that age you should be stopping them ffs, coz they’re too young and it’s illegal!!!! Saying “oh they’re just going to do it anyway” is a thoroughly lazy cop out. I was pretty young when I first had sex and I wasn’t ready, altho I thought I was of course.

I have no issue with having friends of different sexes, but deliberately putting them in a room together, when some are maturing sexually, while others aren’t, where they have to get undressed, and sleep next to each other is just naive in the extreme

Confusedbeetle · 01/09/2018 08:40

I can see no point in sleepovers. At least an aggravation. If children have a mind to experiment, and many will. You are asking a child to deal with a situation she is emotionally too young to deal with. I dint know what the parents are thing of. Were they never that age?

UpstartCrow · 01/09/2018 09:29

noprobllamas That sounds like a good idea, as she's new to the group. Let her make you out as a strict parent, then she can use you to get out of a situation that makes her feel uncomfortable.

Chipotlejars · 01/09/2018 09:35

"If kids are going to start having sex at that age then they will do it"

But that doesn't mean as parents that we have to facilitate, condone or encourage.

penguinsnpandas · 01/09/2018 09:58

DD recently got asked if she wanted to go to a boys sleepover, she's 12, boys are 11, good friends. Was a little shocked and asked DD who replied 'I will not be going, that is a highly inappropriate request and I am surprised the mother didn't realise that, I thought she was better brought up'. 😂 She said she could go for an hour at end or start and did that instead. Was quite relieved as I also thought its getting inappropriate but a good friend so difficult. Sadly some children are having sex at 11/12.

Is just going at start or end an option?

Theresnodisneyending · 01/09/2018 10:05

Girls might not be thinking about sex then, or the nature of it, but many boys certainly are.