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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p*ssed off that no option for cohabiting/long-term relationship exists on maternity notes?

341 replies

BillieBryson · 30/08/2018 21:34

I'm newly pg with DC#2, and today had my booking appointment with midwife. Perhaps it's the hormones, but I felt particularly enraged this time round when I forced to choose 'single' as my marital status as the only other option was 'married'. I've been with OH for 12 years FFS! Why, in 2018, when a considerable proportion of couples choose not to marry, is there no recognition of this? Doesn't this also artificially inflate statistics for single mothers (not that there is anything wrong with that of course)?

OP posts:
CraftyGin · 01/09/2018 18:13

Btw, they know there is a man involved because you are up the duff.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 01/09/2018 18:16

Also oliversmumsarmy this has been pointed out to you before, but the reason those divorces are so expensive is because they have children and/or joint property they're arguing over. If an unmarried couple end a relationship and they have children and/or property, either of them can cause massive legal expenses if they so choose. It's not the divorce itself that takes the time and money. That would be pretty unusual.

PumpkinPie2016 · 01/09/2018 18:56

It's a legal question. Living with/cohabiting/long term relationship etc simply do not have the legal standing that being married does. These types of relationships are not recognised in law. It still amazes me that people believe there is such a thing as a 'common law wife' - there isn't.

In the case of the OP, the fact that you are not married has implications for parental responsibility.

People on MN can feel strongly about marriage because so often there are posts from women who have lived with a man, unmarried, had children with him, given up work or greatly reduced their work and then the relationship breaks down and she is left high and dry. If she were married she would have many more rights - it isn't just a piece of paper!

Personally, I would not have had a child before I married my husband. Neither of us have any intention of splitting up but if we did, at least I know that I have legal rights!

CatchEmAll · 01/09/2018 19:02

I'm a Mrs but not married. I'm divorced but still have my married name including mrs because it's a faff and costly to change everything back, plus I'm not bothered and can't be arsed.

Mrs doesn't = married.

AnEPleaseBob · 01/09/2018 19:16

Don't tell my near 30 year cohabiting relationship and 3 children means fuck all

Its not us telling you that, its the law. It does mean fuck all, legally.

P3onyPenny · 01/09/2018 19:42

I legally own a house with my partner, I'm legally named as the sole beneficiary on his insurance polices, I'm legally named as his sole beneficiary on his private pensions, I'm legally named on his will and I'm legally named as a parent alongside his name on the birth certificates of our children.

Don't love me. It's rude and incredibly patronising. I have no intention of getting married. I'm not single and haven't been for nigh on 30 years. The fact the law is to dumb to recognise that is neither here nor there.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 01/09/2018 20:16

@P3onyPenny I'd say the opposite - the law is not dumb, it's intelligent enough to realise that someone who has willingly entered into all those joint contracts has therefore made a choice not to enter into another type of joint contract - specifically marriage - and will respect that in the case of your relationship breaking down or of your death.
There are valid reasons for people to choose this path, and by recognising common law partnership as equivalent to marriage, it would take away the choice NOT to be treated as married.

P3onyPenny · 01/09/2018 20:18

I object to being called single when I'm not.

LeftRightCentre · 01/09/2018 20:22

You can object all you want but legally, you are single.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 01/09/2018 20:27

I legally own a house with my partner, I'm legally named as the sole beneficiary on his insurance polices, I'm legally named as his sole beneficiary on his private pensions, I'm legally named on his will and I'm legally named as a parent alongside his name on the birth certificates of our children.

None of which makes the slightest difference to the legal status of your relationship. Which will mean not just fuck all but the square root of fuck all when in a number of circumstances. It's important to understand the difference.

Notmorewashing · 01/09/2018 20:34

Why would you not just get married I don’t understand it’s embarrasing !

CatchEmAll · 01/09/2018 20:35

Penny you seem to want the same recognition as a married person being a single person. I say "single" as in the legal term "single."

If you want all the rights and legal recognition as a married person then why not just get married?

It makes no odds to anyone else if you are married or not but obviously you won't have the same rights and entertainment as a married person if you don't get married.

You can live with someone and shag their brains out every day for 50 years but you still won't have the same rights as a married person.

CatchEmAll · 01/09/2018 20:36

Entitlement not entertainment Grin

SemperIdem · 01/09/2018 20:39

Penny

You are legally single. You can rail against it as much as you like, but that is a fact.

It doesn’t mean your relationship is lesser to you, your partner or the average person. But in the eyes of the law...it is.

LeftRightCentre · 01/09/2018 20:41

I wouldn't want martial rights thrust on me because I chose to live with my boyfriend. When I had my last the hospital staff referred to my husband as 'your man' and when I asked why they said there were so many patients whose boyfriend was not the father of the baby they'd just given birth to. Always makes me laugh on threads about men staying overnight in postnatal wards and posters going on about how the 'DP's (guess none of them bother to get married first) were only going to be interested in their newborn child. Ever stopped to consider he might not even be the dad? Especially when you get so many who start up about problems with their 'DP' and it turns out to be some man du jour they've known about 5 minutes.

AnEPleaseBob · 01/09/2018 20:47

I object to being called single when I'm not

YOU ARE!!

KERALA1 · 01/09/2018 20:56

Gosh some sensitive souls around - we took our dd to a and e today asked if our family had a social worker and questions clearly there to establish whether or not we had broken dds finger ourselves. If a poster being asked whether her second baby had same father as her first traumatised her pregnancy I can't imagine the effect those questions would have!

RedAndGreenSeen · 01/09/2018 21:07

Btw, they know there is a man involved because you are up the duff

^ Grin one of the funniest posts on MN ever!

NipInTheAir · 01/09/2018 21:15

I was never asked questions like that when my dc were small. Our local hospital used to have notices all over telling patients to whom the donation cheques could be made. If that's how they now behave to patients I hope they have taken them down.

Ginger1982 · 02/09/2018 08:22

Penny if you've no intention of getting married stop moaning about not having the same legal status. Unfortunately you are classed as single.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/09/2018 09:03

Btw, they know there is a man involved because you are up the duff

Just because someone has a penis doesn’t make them a man😀

P3onyPenny · 02/09/2018 09:10

I can moan all I like thanks. There are other boxes on some forms,the legalities of marriage are still blindingly obvious, a third box doesn't detract from that. Times change,paperwork can and should do too.

CraftyGin · 02/09/2018 09:26

Just because someone has a penis doesn’t make them a man😀

Legally, it does (assuming over 18).

CraftyGin · 02/09/2018 09:27

I can moan all I like thanks. There are other boxes on some forms,the legalities of marriage are still blindingly obvious, a third box doesn't detract from that. Times change,paperwork can and should do too.

...when you rule the world.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/09/2018 09:53

*Just because someone has a penis doesn’t make them a man😀

Legally, it does (assuming over 18)*

You have missed the bit where women can have penises and if you state otherwise woe be tide you