To be p*ssed off that no option for cohabiting/long-term relationship exists on maternity notes?

[BillieBryson]

I'm newly pg with DC#2, and today had my booking appointment with midwife. Perhaps it's the hormones, but I felt particularly enraged this time round when I forced to choose 'single' as my marital status as the only other option was 'married'. I've been with OH for 12 years FFS! Why, in 2018, when a considerable proportion of couples choose not to marry, is there no recognition of this? Doesn't this also artificially inflate statistics for single mothers (not that there is anything wrong with that of course)?

That is a ceremony. What other contract do you have to perform a ceremony by reading a script? Normal contracts are just sign on a dotted line.

Signing up to the armed forces. There's probably a few examples actually.

Theresnodisneyending couldn’t have put it better myself! In life, there is always a need for boxes. People must sometimes be allocated a box. One of the things you must learn is that the bureaucratic world doesn’t need to bend for you and your particular situation.

It reminds me of my father, who becomes increasingly irate at having to identify as ‘white European’ because he doesn’t feel that this is an accurate enough denomination. 😂

"When I had my first, the midwives refused to refer to dh as husband. They referred to all fathers as partners and got arsy when I asked it to be noted that DH was my husband. In my early pg with ds2 the midwife booked me in at home and asked if the baby had the same father as ds. I found it very hurtful and again when I objected to the manner of asking there was an arsy "right on" attitude."

"It was more than 20 years ago now but as a person who as a child suffered all sorts of quiet disapproval due to my mother's irresponsible behaviour that was outrageous in the 60s, and having determined that my family life would be very different, I found it very hurtful and it tainted my enjoyment of my pregnancies."

Ffs really? A midwife asking if the second dc has the same father really spoilt your pregnancy?

The optician asked me if my dc has the same father when they had their eyes tested. Not because she was judging but because it might have meant she needed to ask more questions in relation to their fathers medical history (in relation to his eyes.)

Professionals see so many different people they really couldn't give two hoots about your marital status or whether your dc have different dads. They are merely filling out a form and asking so they can ask the correct questions in relation to medical history or legal status. They aren't going back to their desk thinking "oh my, her dc have different dads" or "she isn't married "

No Theres you get over yourself. Don't tell my near 30 year cohabiting relationship and 3 children means fuck all.

It's a legal question - they don't care what your living arrangements are, they just need to know who is the baby's next of kin in the event that you, er, died. The fact that you live with your partner doesn't give him any rights to your children, so you might want to think about that .

@P3onyPenny but legally it doesn't mean anything. You have no legally recognised relationship. In the eyes of the law you may as well be strangers.

This ^^

tbh, i'd be wanting the midwife to focus on delivering my baby rather than worrying about the status of my personal relationships (apart from legal issue of course). i'm not sure why cohabittees are getting so angry ... its nothing to do with the midwife apart from legal question.

Why the anger. Why can't everyone's feelings be respected?

No need for first names afaiac, Mrs Air should have given the midwife all she needed to know along with my wedding ring and the wedding photos in my drawing room where she booked me. DS was 22 months. Can you get divorced and remarried that quickly? Or is it commonplace for midwives to assume the majority of women get themselves knocked up on a regular basis without the aim to orovide security for their existing dc.

I suppose it was ok a couple of days before my wedding when I went to the family dr because i'd forgotten my contracptive pills to say "you're more responsible than your mother then". HCP's can't have it every way they want and be rude at every turn just because they're HCPs.

Asking a clinical question is not rude.

What your GP said was extremely unprofessional.

That has nothing at all to do with a midwife asking you an important question.

It’s not very common for married women to have babies at short intervals fathered by different men, but once you add AID, rape by third parties and affairs together it’s not a negligible number.

Do you not see the link between being an hcp and the concerted effort to subordinate the patient starwars. The midwife's role is to provide a safe delivery in a respectful manner. It is not to be impolite. Remembers midwife who on an open ward with a curtain between me and a family of 4 when i was in labour loudly laughing and telling me it wasn't her fault it hurt it was because my cervix was had to be walked forward because it wasn't in the right place. Braaa haaa. Who cares who knows intimate details. Felt like more of the same - utter disreapect for one's dignity. In 1995!

What is wrong with saying, "we ask all patients this question, for the followi g reasons". Would that not be better? Do you really expect all women to know those reasons? It eas worse because it was in my home.

What exactly is so shameful offensive about having children with more than one person? Because that's what you are continually implying.

I don't think so. I was one of those children and took the "hit" twice. Once as a child and quite unnecessarily as an adult.

I specifically chose not to live my life that that because I didn't want to go thrpugh it again and didn't want my children ever to have to experience the nurse/teacher type judgement. Look miss I did it right, only to be knocked down again. When were you born starwars? Perhaps you don't remember what it was like in the 60s.

If you want to be treated the same as a married woman, get married.

Haven’t you seen the news in the last few days, or followed numerous Mumsnet posts?

What is it you're trying to say Nip? Because your last two posts are incredibly cryptic.

I wonder if then long term cohabiting couples should be able have a legal contract (similar to marriage) to give legal status

Already exists. It’s called marriage.

Don't tell my near 30 year cohabiting relationship and 3 children means fuck all

Legally, it doesn't. Shrug. Don't get mad love, get married. Or not. But the system says, your relationship means fuck all in the eyes of the law.

Well if you find them cryptic starwars perhaps you should dig deeper into your intellect. If you read my previous posts I'd have thought it was blindingly obvious.

And it's Mrs Air, because I'm married.

I think it just means if the baby or mother need to have a decision made on their behalf, at birth a married father has access to certain legal rights whereas an unmarried doesnt automatically.

I cant remember the specifics, but i knew enough at the time that the person most qualified to mzke any tough decisions was dp rather than my mother, so got married - didnt want to even entertain a scenario where my mother could have a claim on our newborn if i died in labour.

No nip. You have said that being asked if your children have the same Father was so traumatic for you it tainted your pregnancies.

And I'm asking exactly what it is that is so shameful, offensive or distressing about the idea that someone has children with different Fathers?

Being married doesn't make you a Mrs. Some women use it without being married, others don't use it when married. It would therefore have been inappropriate to presume.

It's a legal question. You are single. Just because you live with someone or you have sex witha lover or have 5 lovers if you did or lived with 8 men you are still single.