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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DPs family are behaving appallingly to innocent children

91 replies

Barnab · 30/08/2018 15:53

7 years ago I was what people on here would describe as 'the other woman' . I say that although there was no 'affair' as such but DP left his then partner to pursue a relationship with me. Their relationship was as good as over and his ex says the same, i wasn't span a line. They were plodding along for the sake of the children which was doing more harm than good. After they split she admitted to cheating, neither of them were happy it wasn't all one sided.

Fast forward to now we have a DC of our own and another on the way, we are planning to get married within the next couple of years.

Our relationship is a good one, his relationship with his PFB DC is as good as it was before he left if not better

However, family flatly refuse to acknowledge my DC's existence always hoping DP would 'see sense' and go back to his ex despite the fact he wasn't happy there. For them it was all about keeping up appearances and to hell with any personal happiness of his. All of his family bar one have never wanted to meet DC1 and act as though they don't exist. Our DS had an operation when he was a young baby and certain people on that side of the fence thought that was absolutely hilarious, making that crystal clear via social media. I have had to block them.

DP's siblings are still close to his ex and refer to her as their sister in law (although DP and ex never married). I respect their choice to stand by somebody they see as family but should our DC really suffer because of how they feel about me?

Surely they can separate their feelings for me from their own flesh and blood?

Absolutely prepared for a flaming on here but my sympathy lays with our DC not myself. I'm OK with being told I'm a terrible person but my DC are innocent and its them I feel for in this situation

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 30/08/2018 15:55

But why do you want them to have a relationship with your children? Given their attitude it’s unlikely to be a positive relationship

CloudCaptain · 30/08/2018 15:55

They sound very childish. I personally would be very pleased to have nothing to do with them. I hope you don't spend any time with them.
Forget them.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 30/08/2018 15:57

Seems very harsh to me. What does you it husband to be say about their behaviour?

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 15:59

Its upsetting because his family have a relationship with his older children but have chosen to treat ours with complete contempt

I wouldn't want to foster a relationship between them whilst they are behaving like this but so wish they weren't so things could be civil and move forward for DC

I don't understand how people can be venomous toward a child because of who their mother is especially a child who is a relative

OP posts:
Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 16:00

DP says our DC are not missing out and to trust him on that which I do but it still saddens me. I hate to see children treat differently and our DS will start asking questions soon enough

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 30/08/2018 16:03

Honestly you can’t chabge other people but you can change how your respond to them.

In your shoes I would try to think of them as dead.

Does this mean they aren’t coming to your wedding? Do they even talk to your partner

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 16:07

They have very little contact with my partner, in fact his brother and sister have blocked him

His mother doesn't give a shit about him only his ex partner

Absolutely zero chance of them attending the wedding

He has one relative who has met DS but they work away so we see them very little, still I'm grateful they've chosen not to jump on the band wagon

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 30/08/2018 16:07

From what you say you weren't the other woman.
He was in a relationship.
It ended.
He started a new one with you.
(That's what everyone sensible says on here. If someone is unhappy in a relationship they should end it and start a new one. Of course you'll get some who'll claim any relationship was the other woman but that's their issue)

He sounds good. He stands for his family unit and isn't worried about getting involved with his wider family who insist on voicing their opinion on who he sleeps with.
Keep the focus on your marriage, your DC and his DC from the previous relationship and let the rest of them whinge about whatever they like.

girlwithadragontattoo · 30/08/2018 16:14

Idiots! What is the relationship like between the children?

Touchnotthiscat · 30/08/2018 16:14

You sound better off without them OP. What a mean bunch of people. I hope you have a lovely family on your side of the family. Flowers

thecatsthecats · 30/08/2018 16:16

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Children don't need Grandparents. They don't need aunts, uncles, or anything of the sort.

They need loving, supportive people who care for them, however they know the child. A child who doesn't know their grandparents/relatives only tends to feel the lack if the lack is pointed out to them and encouraged by adults.

I have nine blood aunts and uncles, plus all the partners. If quantity were what mattered, I would be doing very well.

I would seriously look at the love your child DOES have, not look for it through blood.

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 16:20

His older DC (there are three of them) don't have much if anything to do with our DS if I'm honest, their mum flatly refused both to DP and myself to allow them to spend any time with us as a family.

He was told if he tries to bring them around DS and myself during contact times then that contact will stop. This is a separate issue that is being taken through court, but that's another story. DP sees them regularly regardless and they know they have a half sibling

OP posts:
ChipsNotDaddy · 30/08/2018 16:24

His older DC (there are three of them) don't have much if anything to do with our DS if I'm honest, their mum flatly refused both to DP and myself to allow them to spend any time with us as a family

Are you sure you weren't the other woman? Like, absolutely sure?

It sounds like they all hold a lot of contempt if they broke up the way you describe.

When you say he ended the relationship to pursue one with you, did you give him any indication the feeling was mutual before he left them? Because it's a hell of a risk to take.

How did you meet?

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 16:24

This has been dragging on for years and despite the post I'm just about ready to say fuck the lot of them but it does sting as I despise my children being treat so poorly

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 16:29

Sounds like yours and their version of events don't match OP and for whatever reason they believe you were the other woman. They've kept a close friendship with DH's ex so obviously like her. They are choosing her above your children.

You can't make them have a relationship with them so I would try and put it behind you and move on.

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 16:29

We met through a hobby club and were platonic for around 8 months before any feelings developed, there were no extra curricular meets or sneaky phonecalls and any of the usual affair type behavior but it did become clear as time progressed that there were feelings. He said his relationship was an unhappy one and hadn't been right for years and he wanted to leave, I said well come back to me when you're single. He then left her.

Like I said I'm totally fine with people saying I'm the other woman as it does somewhat feel like that, leaving her and then he and I get together. They may have plodded on another year or more if he hadn't have met me, but the relationship was over for both of them as far as love was concerned.

OP posts:
niknac1 · 30/08/2018 16:37

Your children are better off without these people, they could have cultivated a relationship with your child so I say better left alone.

category12 · 30/08/2018 16:38

They sound like shitebirds you and your dc are better off without.

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 16:41

I do agree I suppose our DC are better off without them, but what do you say to a child when they begin asking questions about why they don't know any of daddies family?

OP posts:
Theresnodisneyending · 30/08/2018 16:44

There's nothing you can do about this - you've, by the sound of done, done absolutely nothing wrong. You can't control how other people think of you, and it's not them that matter, in the end.

ChipsNotDaddy · 30/08/2018 16:44

I said well come back to me when you're single. He then left her

That is probably why they don't like you then i'm afraid.

As soon as you said that, I would say you became the other woman.

How long after that did he start things up with you, did he move in right away?

Regardless of what he did in his relationship, I do think they are behaving badly. He is an adult and he makes his own choices.

TBH I can understand why you are upset by this but it doesn't sound like anything will change so perhaps just try and move on.

CassandraCross · 30/08/2018 16:45

OP: DP says our DC are not missing out and to trust him on that please do this, they don't want to be a part of your children's lives and you should not try for them to be. Think about it, if they did become involved they would without a doubt pour poison into your children's minds about you.

It would be better all round for non of you to have contact with your DP's family, they will bring nothing but misery to your lives. Have zero contact with them, your children will not benefit at all from knowing them.

Neither you nor your children need to have any relationship with such miserable, toxic people.

Racecardriver · 30/08/2018 16:45

I won't lie. I would be deeply disappointed if my sons grew up and had children only to leave them but I wouldn't see that as a reason to ignore children resulting from subsequent relationships. I would judge any woman who would get together with a man like that though.but not liking the way parebhts have behaved is in no way an excuse to treat children that way. If anything you are probably lucky that these people aren't involved in your life.

category12 · 30/08/2018 16:46

They probably won't - that's an adult expectation you're putting on them. Their normal will be what you have. When they're older, they might become interested in the extended family and be able to make contact on their own if they want.

Nesssie · 30/08/2018 16:47

He was told if he tries to bring them around DS and myself during contact times then that contact will stop. This is a separate issue that is being taken through court, but that's another story. DP sees them regularly regardless and they know they have a half sibling

Get court ordered contact, and then introduce the children and to hell with the rest of the family.

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