To think DPs family are behaving appallingly to innocent children

[Barnab]

7 years ago I was what people on here would describe as 'the other woman' . I say that although there was no 'affair' as such but DP left his then partner to pursue a relationship with me. Their relationship was as good as over and his ex says the same, i wasn't span a line. They were plodding along for the sake of the children which was doing more harm than good. After they split she admitted to cheating, neither of them were happy it wasn't all one sided.

Fast forward to now we have a DC of our own and another on the way, we are planning to get married within the next couple of years.

Our relationship is a good one, his relationship with his PFB DC is as good as it was before he left if not better

However, family flatly refuse to acknowledge my DC's existence always hoping DP would 'see sense' and go back to his ex despite the fact he wasn't happy there. For them it was all about keeping up appearances and to hell with any personal happiness of his. All of his family bar one have never wanted to meet DC1 and act as though they don't exist. Our DS had an operation when he was a young baby and certain people on that side of the fence thought that was absolutely hilarious, making that crystal clear via social media. I have had to block them.

DP's siblings are still close to his ex and refer to her as their sister in law (although DP and ex never married). I respect their choice to stand by somebody they see as family but should our DC really suffer because of how they feel about me?

Surely they can separate their feelings for me from their own flesh and blood?

Absolutely prepared for a flaming on here but my sympathy lays with our DC not myself. I'm OK with being told I'm a terrible person but my DC are innocent and its them I feel for in this situation

Block his family. Nowt to be gained there.
Go through the courts regarding the silly situation with the children. Often on Mumsnet I hear posters telling OPs that during their contact time it is nothing to do with exp what and who they see. The children's views obviously must be taken into account, but if they are willing I don't see why your DH cannot see all his children sitting round the same dinner table!
I don't think the exp is quite as 'on board' as you think. She may well have her reasons, right or wrong, they are valid. The courts will decide (sadly). But just be aware, she may not be as accepting of the circumstances of their break up as you think. Keep your cards close to your chest.

• they are valid to her

His oldest children do want a relationship with our son and unborn when she arrives, the eldest texts her dad and asks how DS is regularly. The twins don't have phones but do talk about DS during contact time with their dad. They absolutely want a relationship.

To be honest all I want is for the children to be treat the same seeing as my DS is not the scapegoat for my 'wrongdoings' but it is clear that's not going to happen and I have to accept that, as much as I'm angry people can be so pathetic as to take a problem with a parent out on the child.

DP has a good case for overnight access and there are no concerns other than her not wanting us to 'play happy families' as she put it, he will get his increased access, she won't like it and then there will be more crap to contend with no doubt.

I understand people have feelings but seven years is taking the piss, she has a boyfriend now might I add.

Your DC won't be too bothered if you answer any of their questions briefly and airily. It'll just be their 'normal'.
If they see you getting in a state about it that's what will upset them.

So you OH left his young family and moved in with you of course there is going to be incredible bad feelings esp when u had more children together.

You can't say their relationship was doing more harm than good to the children. You weren't there.

@Dishwashersaurous Actually they were being cruel to our son, they were laughing amongst themselves on public social media about the fact he had to have an operation during the first few months of his life. It was unrelenting spite

Then why on earth are you wasting energy in wanting them to see your children.

To me this isn't about your children's best interests. It's about you getting your own way.

I too am in a similar situation OP & its shit so i feel for you.

I met my now DH 3 months after he split from his exP. They had a history of splitting & getting back together so everyone thought it was one of their 'breaks'. When it became clear it wasn't they made it clear how they felt about me. I've been treated awfully & called names, but the most awful thing, like you is they have no relationship with our 18 month old DS- like he means nothing.

It has caused so many problems I couldn't even begin to tell you

Ultimately it is their choice & their loss, but I do know how hard it is.

PM if you like.

Does his family know she cheated on him?

@Wheresmybloodykeys

So sorry you're in the same position, I'm going to PM you

You're stubbornly refusing to see that having a relationship with your DCs means condoning and accepting your relationship with your DP.
You chose to be the OW. Your DP chose to have an affair. Those decisions have consequences.

Barnab, I won't pillory you for being the OW, it happens. There isn't much fairness about this as your DP also had an affair (with you) yet his life isn't much disrupted and he gets to see everybody. So expect the tarnish of OW to spread everywhere but on him.

If you're partners now then he should be taking a proactive role to secure you and your children into the relationship with him, you're his family now as well - and if others don't want to see you/your children then that's not going to give them extra time with him because he'll be spending a fair amount of time with you and your children.

Do, for your own sake, get off social media. It's a scourge on society and you don't need it - block them all.

Lying the DH's siblings and mother have either blocked him or have little to do with him, so his life isn't perfect.

GreatDuck his life may not be perfect but as usual, some posters here are fixated that OP was OW. I'm not bothered about how he's being perceived but OP posted this below and for that reason, she should make sure that she/her children cannot access whatever social media she saw this on:

Actually they were being cruel to our son, they were laughing amongst themselves on public social media about the fact he had to have an operation during the first few months of his life. It was unrelenting spite.

Your DP will probably be given better access and overnight visits for his first DC. Bear in mind what a PP said, divorced children often say what they think each parent wants to hear. And I speak from personal experience.

You really can't force things with your DP's family if they've been NC for this length of time however. It sounds very entrenched. My uncle's second wife fell out with her SIL and stopped seeing her (then) 3 year old granddaughter. She has never seen the younger granddaughter and they will be in their 20s now. I found this bizarre but she's determined.

Focus on your DS's relationship with your parents and family instead.

Posters are fixating on the OP because it's her that wants her dc to see their siblings and for the other family members to accept them, her DH has said they're better of without the wider family and from what I've read I agree with him.

I'm not entirely sure of the real motives to why the OP can't let this issue go but dare I say I don't think it's altruistic.