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Original poster

To think DPs family are behaving appallingly to innocent children

91 replies

Barnab · 30/08/2018 15:53

7 years ago I was what people on here would describe as 'the other woman' . I say that although there was no 'affair' as such but DP left his then partner to pursue a relationship with me. Their relationship was as good as over and his ex says the same, i wasn't span a line. They were plodding along for the sake of the children which was doing more harm than good. After they split she admitted to cheating, neither of them were happy it wasn't all one sided.

Fast forward to now we have a DC of our own and another on the way, we are planning to get married within the next couple of years.

Our relationship is a good one, his relationship with his PFB DC is as good as it was before he left if not better

However, family flatly refuse to acknowledge my DC's existence always hoping DP would 'see sense' and go back to his ex despite the fact he wasn't happy there. For them it was all about keeping up appearances and to hell with any personal happiness of his. All of his family bar one have never wanted to meet DC1 and act as though they don't exist. Our DS had an operation when he was a young baby and certain people on that side of the fence thought that was absolutely hilarious, making that crystal clear via social media. I have had to block them.

DP's siblings are still close to his ex and refer to her as their sister in law (although DP and ex never married). I respect their choice to stand by somebody they see as family but should our DC really suffer because of how they feel about me?

Surely they can separate their feelings for me from their own flesh and blood?

Absolutely prepared for a flaming on here but my sympathy lays with our DC not myself. I'm OK with being told I'm a terrible person but my DC are innocent and its them I feel for in this situation

OP posts:
Shampooeeee · 30/08/2018 16:49

They sound like awful people with no morals.

You should stop defending yourself. Life is complicated. Married people fall in love with other people. Relationships break up. People move on. Be kinder to yourself.

CassandraCross · 30/08/2018 16:50

As category12 said, if you don't refer to your dp's family your children won't. If they do ask questions as they get older prepare some age appropriate responses.

LostInShoebiz · 30/08/2018 16:54

You were the OW in an emotional affair.

Think how you’d feel if a close work colleague or hobby friend of DP suggested he might leave you for her. Wouldn’t be quite so clear cut, would it?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 16:55

I find it very odd that your DH's siblings have blocked him and his own mother only sees his ex partner but not him.

They obviously feel he has wronged her. I think there's more to this story tbh. It doesn't make sense.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2018 16:55

Easy to say OP but everyone whose saying you and your children are better off without them is right.

Try and draw a line in your head and your heart and remember it’s their loss and it would probably be worse if they tried insisting on being involved while also being nasty about you and your partner.

I feel for you both but you have so much to be grateful for so focus on that. Enjoy your rest of your pregnancy and your wedding will be wonderful, it’ll be your family, you, your husband and your two beautiful babies. You only want kind lovely supportive people in your lives. Sadly DPs relatives aren’t those people for you.

How old are his children with his ex? Sounds like that’s a whole other thing but hopefully you can build a relationship with them and between them and their siblings.

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 17:02

I accept it became an emotional affair, but nothing was acted on whilst he was with his ex. I made it clear to him nothing would happen whilst he was in a relationship and he didn't behave inappropriately by suggesting we meet up or spend nights together.

He did tell me he had developed feelings and I said it was mutual but nothing could happen whilst he was still attached, he then chose to leave her and live alone. I waited a month or so before we began 'dating' and we weren't 'official' for a several few months.

He did tell his ex that he had feelings for somebody else and so he was leaving, I accept to a lot of people that makes me the other woman although their relationship was not going to get any better despite counselling, individually and through and relate.

It was far from ideal but this was seven years ago, I don't think its the norm for our subsequent children to be alienated for this long as a result of him choosing to leave a relationship where he was unhappy.

He has never abandoned his children and kept regular contact irrespective of his ex not supporting blended families, which I do understand if I see it from her POV but it isnt about any of us its about the children

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 30/08/2018 17:03

So he left one lot of children and then went on and had more children with someone else. And you wonder why the pre existing family and children don’t want to have anything to do with the new children.

Yes it would be great if they could forget the hurt, distress and pain he has caused and move on but it’s not surprising if they can’t. He says that the relationship was effectively over but you have no idea if she felt like that.

How would you feel if tomorrow he told you that he was leaving you for someone else and then had a baby with new woman. You would probably struggle to be civil

Dishwashersaurous · 30/08/2018 17:05

Just seen the update

You waited a month after he had left his partner and children. A month

Surely you should have waited years to allow the children to adapt to their parents separating before the father had a new partner

A month is nothing

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 17:07

His older children are 11 (twins) and 13 so although they are almost old enough to make their own decisions they don't go against their mother's wishes

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 30/08/2018 17:08

So his children were six and four, really small when he left them

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 17:08

I accept it's absolutely shit in some peoples eyes but its not about the adults its about the children, why should they be treat poorly because of who their mother is?

OP posts:
Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 17:11

I fully expected to be told I'm awful but our DC aren't and its them being treat badly.

I don't care what they say about me but children, really?

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 30/08/2018 17:11

If only the world were that easy...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 17:11

Sorry OP but his relatives are under no obligation to see your children. You seem very persistent in wanting them to.

I would guess the ex partners version of events is very different to yours too OP.

GlitterGoddess · 30/08/2018 17:12

They sound like horrid people that you are better off not having in your children’s life. It’s hard and nasty but I suppose that’s life and you can’t change other peoples views.

I have a inkling that they may have been told some lies? Or at least different sides of the story, to turn them against you. Any ‘adult’ that understands relationships do fizzle out and fade away, wouldn’t hold a grudge for this long if they believed it happened like you said (platonic until he left his ex, then became romantic with you only when it was 100% over)

Have you tried asking DP to reach out to them and maybe set up a meeting so you can discuss the situation? Without the children there obviously, so everyone can get things off their chest? For the sake of the children.

ShadowHuntress · 30/08/2018 17:13

I won't lie. I would be deeply disappointed if my sons grew up and had children only to leave them
But he didn’t leave his children, he left his wife. He sees his children regularly. Although that doesn’t excuse the affair. They way you started was wrong, and you know that, but 7 years down the line they should not still be holding grudges. Especially as there is a half sibling involved. I do think you should just go nc with the lot of them. It’ll be the best decision for all of you

Dishwashersaurous · 30/08/2018 17:13

So his existing children should be forced to spend time with the source of their mothers upset and distress?

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 17:19

No his older children shouldn't be 'forced' to spend time with the cause of their mother's distress however they also shouldn't be robbed of a relationship with sibling's because of their mother may or may not feel. I'm perfectly OK with not having a step parent relationship with their DC if their mother is against that which I do understand, but why project onto the children?

His DC know about our DC and ask about our son and unborn baby, they WANT to be a part of their lives

OP posts:
Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 17:21

It is for that reason that DP is seeking a formal contact order because the children's wishes are not being taken into consideration, they are not distressed about having siblings and they would like to know them

OP posts:
WhereIsMyDressingGown · 30/08/2018 17:21

Our DS had an operation when he was a young baby and certain people on that side of the fence thought that was absolutely hilarious

Wtf? Why you or your DH would ever entertain any kind of relationship with his family after that is beyond me.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 17:22

Their mother doesn't want her dc to have a relationship with them or you. It's her call.
You need to accept this and leave them to get on with their lives. You got their father which is what you wanted.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2018 17:24

No, it is not “her call” Hmm

The children have a right to a relationship with their father.

Original poster
Barnab · 30/08/2018 17:25

@AnneLovesGilbert exactly!

All five (included unborn) childrens rights to have a relationship with their siblings are being overlooked because grudges are still being held SEVEN YEARS later

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 30/08/2018 17:30

You need clear court ordered access arrangements
And you also need to accept the consequences of your actions. His family may never accept your children. The passage of time doesn’t always dull pain

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 17:33

The children have a right to a relationship with their father.

They do see him don't they OP?

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