To think DPs family are behaving appallingly to innocent children

[Barnab]

7 years ago I was what people on here would describe as 'the other woman' . I say that although there was no 'affair' as such but DP left his then partner to pursue a relationship with me. Their relationship was as good as over and his ex says the same, i wasn't span a line. They were plodding along for the sake of the children which was doing more harm than good. After they split she admitted to cheating, neither of them were happy it wasn't all one sided.

Fast forward to now we have a DC of our own and another on the way, we are planning to get married within the next couple of years.

Our relationship is a good one, his relationship with his PFB DC is as good as it was before he left if not better

However, family flatly refuse to acknowledge my DC's existence always hoping DP would 'see sense' and go back to his ex despite the fact he wasn't happy there. For them it was all about keeping up appearances and to hell with any personal happiness of his. All of his family bar one have never wanted to meet DC1 and act as though they don't exist. Our DS had an operation when he was a young baby and certain people on that side of the fence thought that was absolutely hilarious, making that crystal clear via social media. I have had to block them.

DP's siblings are still close to his ex and refer to her as their sister in law (although DP and ex never married). I respect their choice to stand by somebody they see as family but should our DC really suffer because of how they feel about me?

Surely they can separate their feelings for me from their own flesh and blood?

Absolutely prepared for a flaming on here but my sympathy lays with our DC not myself. I'm OK with being told I'm a terrible person but my DC are innocent and its them I feel for in this situation

I thought that he saw the children but she didn’t and nor does new child

I'm NC with my family (for abuse reasons not an affair/OW situation)

My kids have never seen my family (they are ages 12-17). They trust my judgement that this is for the best. I've said that they are free to contact them but I personally don't want to be involved and it's my job as a parent to make that decision. The decision has meant that the cycle of abuse ended with my generation. My kids are untainted by the shit.

Your children will only feel rejected if they pick up on the fact that you see your IL's behaviour as rejection. If you are breezy about things "They are too busy to meet up" or whatever then your kids won't see it as a big deal. You seem to be desperate to get them to approve but they don't so let it go. If you don't come to terms with this then the situation will cause your children to feel like they are missing out when they are not.

I think that GPs who maintain a good relationship with their former DIL are the most likely to keep a good relationship with the grandchildren after a split.

The ILs probably don't see snubbing you as punishing your children. You WERE an emotional affair and while the parents may not have been happy, kids sometimes have an awful time coping with divorce and a grandparent will be sad for the grandchildren. It's not practically possible to have a relationship with your kids but not you (I mean plural your h and you)

I would listen to your h and let it go. They don't like you and there's nothing that you can do to change that. Enjoy life with your h and kids and stop trying to get them to accept things.

DP sees them regularly regardless and they know they have a half sibling

What's this referring to then?

I kind of understand they are upset I’m close to my SIL and my brother had yet another affair only was much more open about this one wanting my DN to meet other woman’s kids etc. I was really upset and didn’t really have any thought about OW one way or the other as I’m NC with my brother due to his alcoholism. But I was devasted for my SIL who has had to put up with an awful lot from him. But we are all entitled to be happy and his family are being unreasonable as you have been together so long and have DC

Yes they do see him twice a week on the same two days weekly but he's not to take DS with him when he sees them or have them all together despite his older children clearly wanting a relationship. He has never let his children down or abandoned them at any point.

Sorry I misread that post

They sound utterly repellent. Be thankful your children dont have to know them.

It doesn't sound as though you're concerned about the DCs tbh. It sounds as though you thought your DP's family would eventually forgive and forget that you were the OW but that hasn't happened. And now you're using your DCs to try to pressure them into accepting you even though they've made it quite clear they don't want a relationship with you.
From your DCs' pov they are better not having a relationship with GPs who hate their DM. They would end up stuck in the middle. The only way for that relationship to be healthy would be if the GPs pretended they liked you . . . but they don't.

Your son doesn't need to be accepted by them. He presumably has a relationship with your own parents. Does he also have one with his other grandparents?

If your relationship progresses to marriage perhaps your partner's family will think differently and you'll have a decision to make. If they don't come around then perhaps their relationship with your partner will be affected.

Either way, your son will do quite nicely without seeing people who don't want to know him. If they don't accept you (which I suspect is what this thread is about) then he'll never get to know them. If they're that judgemental and unkind then it's better that he doesn't ever see them.

What JessicaJonesJacket said really... don't use your child(ren) as leverage because this isn't about them, it's really about you.

Its not about me, other than the fact I'm hurt by my DC being treat like shit because of choices me and DP made

I don't care to have them in my life but I don't think children should be punished for their parents decisions, should they?

Our DC are clearly better off without them but I absolutely resent the fact people can be cruel to children because of who their mother is

Their mother doesn't want her dc to have a relationship with them or you. It's her call.

It isn’t. The children have two parents, and what happens on their time should be up to them. Ovaries don’t give someone increased parenting rights or responsibilities.

But they are not being cruel to your children. They are choosing not to engage. That’s different from cruelty

I am sorry your child does not have a right to a releantionship with his half sibling if they dont want one you cannot force it. What you must not do it attempt to force the issue this is not going to end with a happy blended family.

You partner and their dad has hurt his children greatly moved on quickly had new children while in there eyes abandoning them. And now you want them to play happy families. 2 days a week if nothing compared to full time you get to have with there dad and if they dont want to share there dad on the only 2 days they get to see him i dont blame them tbh.

You and him made the bed and you will need to sleep in it. If your DP other children don't want to go agaisnt there mothers wishes its sadly tough on you. It sadly does not look like it will ever be a happy blended family.

Just don't think a ultimatium of they see you all or not at all (it will back fire and they will simply refuse to see there dad which would be a shame and would irrpeatable harm to their relationship.

Just move on accept that your child wont have a good releationship with your partners family.

Why yes people have the right to be happy but if that happyness causes pain to others they will have to deal with said consequences (in this case not wanting to spend time with the OW and his new children)

@worridmum

If the children want a relationship with their half sibling surely it's unreasonable for the mother to stop that. She may be hurt but is it really in her children's best interest to forbid it and threaten to block contact with their father?

Do they? or is it that the OP partner is saying they do, to make the OP feel better. Would the OP like it if his previous children told him they dont want anything to do with the OP or the new children and her partner could be possbily feeding the OP a white lie.

How upsetting would it be to the OP if his children from previous reletionship did not like her at all and did not want anything to do with their half siblings would that make the OP feel happy or would it be better for her partner there dad to say that they do in fact want a relentionship rather then causes problems. (How resentful would the OP become if the children did not in fact want to spend time with her or her DC and if that was the case, the human reaction would be to incourge her partner to spend less time with is previous children as it would hurt the OP every time he went to see them if she could not play happy families)

And as the children are so old what they want would be given much more weight especially the 13 year old.

Does his family know his ex had admitted to cheating.

Obviously, to his family you ARE the "other" woman and that will never change.Ex-wife is still part of their family.
Move on.You made your bed....

@Dishwashersaurous Actually they were being cruel to our son, they were laughing amongst themselves on public social media about the fact he had to have an operation during the first few months of his life. It was unrelenting spite.

@worridmum I agree two days a week is nothing but those aren't the terms DP wants, he would like overnights on weekends but is being refused that by the children's mother. He is now taking the matter to court where most judges will make it absolutely clear that unless there is a risk to a child, which there is not, It is wrong for resident parent to refuse overnights on the basis that DP has a new (seven year long) relationship and subsequent children. You see it all of the time, mother's saying "you are not having my kids around other women" only to be told in court that its simply not grounds for refusal and ex partners relationship status has no baring on his right (or the children's rights) to have a full relationship without restrictions put upon them because of how resident parent in this case mother may or may not feel.

Unfortunately for mother's (and father's) who think like that.. family law doesn't take into consideration the fact one party holds a grudge that bares no relevance to child care.

It has been seven years, this isn't a passing fling.

I absolutely resent the fact people can be cruel to children because of who their mother is

The point that your h tried to make that it's not cruelty if your son doesn't know them or their opinions.

Btw, many children of divorces tell each parent what they think they want to hear. I wouldn't be surprised if they told their mum that they are not interested in your ds and told their Dad that they are interested in him. This usually happens when they know that their parents disagree on something.

Sadly if the children do not want too no court in the land will order them too. I saw this with my friends children they really really did not want to spend time with the OW and the new children. (The mother encouraged them but the children made it perfectly clear to the dad they wanted nothing to do with there half siblings (The dad was pretty rich but spent far far more on his "new" children then his previous ones)

It was blindingly obvious too because of bad luck the 2nd of the OW child shared a birthday with the oldest of the old child. The dad got his oldest a second hand bike (that was pink his son was a 11 year old boy...) while he got his "new child" whom was 8 a PSP , a 3DS and a ninetdo WII despite his oldest asking for some of that he got him a £20 girls bike and was outraged that he refused to use it despite making him be there when his new child opened presents he wanted and his "present" was shit in comparison.

After that his old children all started to refuse to go to his and be second class children.

In the end it came to light it was the OW doing saying his children got presents from there mum and it would make them spoilt brats if he gave them good presents on top of this.

I would completely agree with not allowing dc from the previous relationship to meet a new partner for at least a couple of years, but being in this situation seven years and two new dc later is ridiculous.

A family friend left her first husband due to an affair. It was an awful, nasty breakup, entirely family friend’s fault and the husband was understandably devastated. They had two dd’s. Over the years, ff went on to marry the man she cheated with and had another dc. This was over twenty years ago.

To this day dd’s are not allowed to mention their new sibling or any aspect of their life involving their dsf or dm while with their df. Eldest dd has her own child and at the christening df is still making things awkward by refusing to be in any family photos with ex-wife. Even more recently, youngest dd receives masters degree at a very prestigious uni. Df consents to attend the actual graduation, but not the meal organised by uni afterwards as her other family will also be present. Rather than leave after the event, he skulks around saying that he has come a long way to spend time with dd on her special day so both dd’s spend the entire meal taking turns to pop outside and check he is ok. The only people being hurt by this ridiculous behaviour and his refusal to move on are the girls, who are so conditioned to expect it that they don’t even blink. I dread to think what will happen if either of the girls marry, and I often wonder if this is the reason why neither of them have bothered.

Op, I think your dh and pp’s are right re the gp’s and other family. It’s their loss and I would leave them to it. The dsc’s mother has undoubtedly been wronged by dh and op, but she has no right to take this out on the dc. She cannot stop her dc seeing their siblings and I would continue to pursue the issue through the courts.

But your newborn son can’t read and isn’t on social media. It’s cruel yes, but it’s not cruel to him it’s cruel to you

My dc lost all of their grandparents and only see their auntie and uncle at Christmastime. They really couldn’t care less, they don’t know any different. This is your expectation not theirs. Don’t make it an issue and it won’t be one.
You are well shot of such a horrid family. Their loss.

I don't see that you're going to get what you want here. Yes it's been 7 years and the children all have a right to know their siblings but the ex wife is clearly going to make things difficult. Your dp might say the relationship was dying but she clearly felt differently. It must be extremely hard to have your partner leave you and start up a new relationship a month later - it looks very suspicious even if you say you did nothing until then. People who feel profoundly betrayed and rejected don't skip off into the sunset with no issues and then play happy families in the way you're wanting.

Hopefully your dp will get increased access through the courts and the children can get to know eachother. That is the right course of action. But don't have any expectations beyond that. If your children ask why there is no contact with your dp's family you explain simply that they aren't kind people and sometimes in life it's healthier to have no contact. Laughing about a baby needing surgery is vile.

They sounds disgusting, Your child is better off without them.