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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bridezilla?

106 replies

Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 13:00

Right, a bit of back story. Me and my partner have a baby and all in all we have 4 children. His ex had a child when they split that isn't his and he never sees, but the child calls his mum nan. We are getting married and his family have invited his exis child.. and that's fine, I just don't want the child in family pictures that should be special. I get the child is just a child but I don't want someone me and my partner don't know in special pictures that are going to be hung up in our home. I know his family will probably feel different, but he agrees. What do I do ? The child also called our baby there sibling the first and only time they met and that really hurt me and I know my other child who is the same age really isn't going to like the whole situation. Please halp 😣

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 30/08/2018 14:43

Is it true that you didn't actually invite the child to your wedding?

Did you put the child on the guest list and send her an invitation?

If she wasn't invited, then all the relationships and photos talk is just noise. Only invited guest come to weddings.

You and DH own the guest list.

Redken24 · 30/08/2018 14:47

It's quite easy to understand.

Child has been invited that is ex wife's child with another person. So yeah this child is the stepchildrens sibling and is related to them but the OP isn't keen as she hasn't invited them.
I am not sure what I would do but agree the kids would probably like a nice photo together and you probably won't see much of them on the day.
Probably I would have thrown a complete shit fit a few years ago but in the grand scheme of things is a child that you don't really know in a few pics that a big deal? I had to invite my own "blood" relatives to mine who had never given me the time of day for 26 years.

Mushroomsarehorrible · 30/08/2018 14:53

I got married recently and no, you're not being a bridezilla at all. I would have a few cursory photos with the child / your children and then have photos with just your children. Get the photographer to call people over / tell people they are no longer needed. Simple as that. You don't have to use the photo of the child in it for framing, etc. Just do it for effect.

Why do people think they can butt into other's weddings I really don't know. I had people trying to interfere. I just ignored them Grin

eggsandwich · 30/08/2018 14:54

I’m a bit late to this thread so sorry if someone’s already said this, but why are your partners family inviting anyone that’s up to you who to invite or not, sorry but you need to have a word with your partner about this assuming he said she could come and forgot to discuss it with you first.

To be honest I think it’s worst having her there and not wanting her in any pictures, I wouldn’t be happy.

kaytee87 · 30/08/2018 14:55

Oh but op your future mil was being very unreasonable to invite someone to your wedding without checking.

My mum & step dad paid for my wedding but still checked with me who they wanted to invite.

Winchester89 · 30/08/2018 14:59

This is really weird. To the posters saying this child is part of OP's family.. erm, no, they aren't.
I have a stepson and a daughter, and stepson has a sibling from his mum and her new partner. Now we all get on very well, and have on occasion spent time all together (stepsons events etc) But, stepsons sibling wasn't invited to our wedding, and certainly wouldn't have been included in our family photos?

This child in the OP is not her family, not even her soon to be husbands family, so no, they shouldn't be invited let alone in the pictures.

MrsICantSayMyName · 30/08/2018 15:05

This family dynamic is a madness 😔

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 15:19

Ino, there is a lot I don't agree with but I just have to accept his family isn't like mine and try and compromise so me and my partner are happy and so is everyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 15:47

And my child will be in the photos because that's my child and his children will because that's his children. I'm not saying I want the child to not be in any photos, just the special ones and my child and his family will be related by marriage, his ex is child isn't related and my partner never brought child up.

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 30/08/2018 15:49

Definitely give your photographer a set list of photos you want taking. Just as your parents won’t be in all of them neither will all the children.

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 15:50

No. Not my child or his, his exis child that was born after they split up.

OP posts:
Hisnamesblaine · 30/08/2018 15:52

Your being very reasonable allowing the invitation to go ahead. Why would the ex want her child to go!? Weird set up? Plus the child could just have a nice day out with her OWN parents that day. She really is young enough to not care all that much.

Poloshot · 30/08/2018 15:54

Tell your mother in law he child isn't invited, he's not family or anything to do with either of you

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 15:54

And yes invites was sent but his mum invited her. I'm upset as she didn't ask me or my partner but had talked to his ex and asked if she could before letting us know. If we was asked I would of said yes but we wasn't expecting this tbh.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 30/08/2018 16:01

It could be worse. I have my DSis's violent XH in my wedding video, the camera focusing on him at the moment where DH and I are saying our vows. He's in quite a few of our photos as well. It makes me not want to watch the video or look at my album at all. Sad

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 16:07

Get him cut out of them. I didn't think weddings could be this stressful x

OP posts:
peppersprayfirstapologiselater · 30/08/2018 16:09

Why is the kid even coming? Speak to his family and un invite them... why on Earth are they inviting people to your wedding?
That'd annoy me so much

peppersprayfirstapologiselater · 30/08/2018 16:15

I think you're making a way bigger deal out of this than it needs to be... either uninvite the random kid because it's your wedding and you can... or don't have the kid in any photos because why one earth would they be in any??? Put your foot down!

SoozC · 30/08/2018 16:22

I don't think you're being unreasonable not to want the child in photos of you, your DH and your children. The kid isn't your child or his. The fact the child is a half-sibling of his two children is neither here nor there.

My brother has a step-daughter. She has a half-sister and they grew up together with my SIL and her now-ex. When I married recently I did not invite the half-sister. She is very close to my brother and his whole family but it didn't even occur to me to invite her; she is absolutely no relation to me whatsoever.

OP, I think you're being lovely in saying the child can be at the wedding and even in some photos. But do hold out for the child not to be in photos of you, DH and your children. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Give the photographer a list of names, they can call it the names of your family, take some photos, then can slot her in if anyone kicks up a fuss but you just don't buy those photos.

fuzzyfozzy · 30/08/2018 16:22

If someone inserts the child into a photo, smile and then ask for 'another photo please' (without said child) it's not unheard of for close family to have quiet photos to be taken too

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 30/08/2018 16:23

Uninviting the kid would be really, really bad etiquette.

Yes, it's the OP's wedding but it's this kid's childhood and her family - what message would that send to her? Why would any adult want to be that much of a bitch to a child, seriously?

Take some photos with her in. Make a fuss of her. Take one for the granny with all the kids, that's a really nice idea. And take some with just the kids you live with. No big deal.

But, also, please examine your attitude towards this child. You and your DH are standing in the way of this child having a relationship with their siblings by not facilitating them being part of family occasions. Grow up. You're the adult in this situation. Do some adulting.

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 16:32

The child lives with his children so it's not affecting there relationship, I carnt uninvite but I didn't invite in the first place. When this child's dad picks her up every weekend and takes her on holiday his children don't go. She spends time with her dad so I would of preferred his children to share this special day with there dad.

OP posts:
DextroDependant · 30/08/2018 16:32

I don't know why people are finding this so complicated.

Ok has one child

Her dp has 2 children.

They got together and had a child of their own.

Meanwhile her dp moved on and had a child with someone else. So that child is not related to the OP or her DP.

OP you are not being unreasonable. My son's dad's ex is getting married in February.
My son's dad and his ex had a child together. This is my son's half sister.

I do not expect my son to go to the wedding. My son is not related to his dad's EX or her new partner. When their child comes over to play that doesn't make her my son's sibling. Yes, they are both related to the same sister bit that doesn't make them related to each other.

TheDarkPassenger · 30/08/2018 16:36

I don’t think you’re being bridezilla but honestly I don’t really understand this whole predicament.. my sons got a sister on his dads side and she’s very much part of our (extended?) family, wouldn’t have it any other way tbh! Life is so much nicer if children have got lots of people around them. We’re a hugely blended family and sometimes I lose track of who’s related to who. We all call my step sons mums (so my partners ex partner) parents ‘grandma name and grandad name’ and my step son calls my parents ‘nan and grandad name’ it’s just a much nicer life!

Isawthelight · 30/08/2018 16:36

The problem isn't this photos IMO, the problem is that this child hasn't been welcomed as part of the family

My DPs ex, who he has 2 DC with, has just had another baby. I can't ever imagine a time when that DC will be a part of our family, why would it? The baby has a mum and dad and all their family. Why is that so strange?