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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bridezilla?

106 replies

Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 13:00

Right, a bit of back story. Me and my partner have a baby and all in all we have 4 children. His ex had a child when they split that isn't his and he never sees, but the child calls his mum nan. We are getting married and his family have invited his exis child.. and that's fine, I just don't want the child in family pictures that should be special. I get the child is just a child but I don't want someone me and my partner don't know in special pictures that are going to be hung up in our home. I know his family will probably feel different, but he agrees. What do I do ? The child also called our baby there sibling the first and only time they met and that really hurt me and I know my other child who is the same age really isn't going to like the whole situation. Please halp 😣

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 30/08/2018 13:39

Just to check I've got this roughly right:

Child 1 - either yours with Man A, or your DP's with woman A
Child 2 and 3 - Your DPs with woman B
Child 4 - yours and DP's together.

Child 5 - Woman B's with Man B.

So child 5 is related to children 2 and 3 but not to any other, and not to you, or your DH, or his family apart from child 2 and 3?

If that's correct (I appreciate the order of children 1-3 might be off!) then nah, I don't think you should be expected to invite child 5 or include them in photos.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 30/08/2018 13:39

Surely it wouldn’t be that hard to have “nan” take the child for a snack after a few photos and you can finish the rest. Still seems pretty unpleasant for the older kids to not have their little brother/sister included as part of their family every time they see the photos.

viques · 30/08/2018 13:45

What does the child call your partner . If the child was of an age to have been thinking of your partner as daddy, and calling him daddy, then from the child's point of view that's who he is in the child's mind.

If this is the case then Someone,( and that someone is your partner, with the agreement of Child's mum and the rest of the family) needs to talk to Child ,and explain that although when he lived with Child's mummy he was called daddy , he isn't really his daddy and while Child will always be very special to him now Child is getting bigger he would like Child to call him by his first name like a grown up friend.

TerracottaDream · 30/08/2018 13:47

So this child was born subsequent to your partner’s relationship with this woman, so was never a stepchild?
FFS! Don’t invite her! She won’t even know you. This family is doing this child a massive disservice. Put your foot down now!

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 13:48

No his 2 of his children are and yes, will be at the whole day. I have told his mum that cousin is fine because I understand children want to be involved and iv just accept this is the way it is if I like it or not but it's these bloody pictures 😂😂 me and my partner fined the whole thing awkward tbh but really don't want to upset anyone. I think I will have a word with the photographer but my child isn't going to understand. Thanks everyone, I didn't think about having a word with the photographer xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 13:49

The child was born 2 years after they split

OP posts:
viques · 30/08/2018 13:50

Have just read some later posts and it appears your dp is the father of Child's siblings. well no wonder he thinks of his as his daddy and your child as his other siblings.

Forget my previous post, if as an adult I cant work out your baby/mummy/daddy/baby/mummy family then sure as hell a six year old won't.

Cindersdonegood · 30/08/2018 13:50

It's OP's stepchildren's half-sibling.

So no more than a relative of relatives.

I can't understand why the child is coming at all. I never knew my stepbrother's half sisters because they were a completely separate family.

OP, give the photographer a list of specific names for each photograph you want (they would appreciate that as photo taking is bedlam with people not knowing who's to go where and when. Like Uncle Bob is off at the Bar, Grandma is out for a cheeky cig, mum's chatting to great aunt Margaret...). Nominate a relative wrangler to help out.

Have a few pics including the child and just don't buy them. That's all. If your DH's family really want one then they can purchase one from the photographer through you.

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 13:51

He's was never there when the child was born and the child just calls him by his name

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 30/08/2018 13:54

The relationships matter a lot to what is the right thing to do.

If DH has two children who are 17/18 and they have a half-sister who is 6 then that is quite different to him having one 8yo with a 6yo half sister.

In one scenario, in daily life they will feel more distant and more "half". In the other they would feel closer and more like full family, especially if his ex has done a good job of blending the families.

I'd get DH to talk to ex and MIL to agree how you will all describe the girl's position in the family. It seems rather confused right now. I'd recommend she is described as "nan's goddaughter".

eniledam · 30/08/2018 13:54

So 2 out of your 4 children are your DP's and his ex's? And she's had another child with another man, meaning this child is a half-sibling to those 2?

If that's the case, then I think YABU. It's not nice to exclude a child from a big family event that their half-siblings are at.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 30/08/2018 13:56

If I am reading it correctly, this child is a half sibling to your partner's children?
And DP's mum has embraced this child as a grandchild, and s/he calls her "nan".
It might be nice to get a photo of all the "grandchildren" as your DP's mum would appreciate that. I would do that, and include this child in the "wider family" pictures, but also have a range of photos that the child isn't in. It is a complicated family dynamic, and a sit down with the photographer to explain should keep everyone happy.

Labmum · 30/08/2018 13:58

You could massively trim down your formal photos and have a more reportage style coverage and just quietly slip off for some family shots with your 4 children at the same time you go to do your couple shots?

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 30/08/2018 13:59

Hi.
I am amazed by peoples responses to be honest. People think OP is mean to not want DH' ex's daughter in her wedding pics when the child isn't his, was born after they split and doesn't have a relationship with them? I find it entirely strange that DH family thought inviting her was normal at all? This isn't about being mean to a child, they've put OP and child in an awkward position. Yes their half siblings will be there but this is their other family not this childs family. If my DSC mum invited my little boy to her wedding I would absolutely say no and all of the family including DSC (Who I am very close to) would think it was weird!
As it has already been done then there isn't much OP can do except keep her out of family pics (she could suggest a pic of the child with siblings and not buy but give option for grandmother to buy?)
Definitely speak to photographer and get DH to explain to family that it's not their place to invite anyone to their wedding!

3stonedown · 30/08/2018 14:01

I can see why your worried... Photographer shouts out "bride and grooms children" and this child pops up in it too. I have been your step-children. I wouldn't have expected my half sisters to come to my mums wedding! Or treat my other half sibling as their sibling...weird set up. It's a shame they have been invited already as I wouldn't feel comfortable uninviting a 6 year old. Just make sure it's clear to your photographer they aren't to be in the close family pictures.

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 14:02

The dynamic of this, he has 2 teens with his ex and 2 years after they split she had another child and I have a 6 year old and we have a baby together and ino it really confused me as I don't understand where the child's place in all this is but personally I wouldn't invite my child step sibling, and havnt xx

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 30/08/2018 14:06

Who has invited the child then?

ReanimatedSGB · 30/08/2018 14:08

I don't understand why some people are so pissy about excluding ex partners from the entire family (unless the ex was/is seriously toxic). OP may not know this child, but there is presumably some relationship between the child and those of the DP's kids who are half-siblings, when those DC are seeing their mother and grandmother.
It sounds like the DP's family are the sort of people to whom anyone with a slight or former connection is 'part of the family', whereas OP perhaps is from a small family herself and therefore a bit more hung up on blood-relationships rather than longterm connections.

I would suggest that you learn to be a bit more welcoming and a bit less jealous, or you're going to have a rough time in years to come, OP. Families whose attitude is 'the more the merrier' tend not to be thrilled at people trying to barge in and exclude others.

Confusedbeetle · 30/08/2018 14:10

For the wedding and the photo, yes bridezilla. It really doesn't matter if the child is there or in the photos. Even if there is no blood relation he/she has been accepted by Nan (as you say, big-hearted) Try and be big-hearted yourself. It is not the child's fault he wasn't sired by you husband. This child is part of the extended family and should be accepted as such. Need cause you no pain. You don't even have to have her in your life, a wedding is not the be all of life, its just announcing a marriage. I think in your heart you know this as you used the term in the title. Having said that, this should have been ironed out ages ago and not assumed by the family. Be kind, you will feel better for it. Weddings can be hugely divisive in a family. Dont let yours be one of them

Original poster
Kittykat12345 · 30/08/2018 14:12

His mum invited and my partner feels uncomfortable with the situation aswell as he doesn't like his ex but I'll have a word with the photographer and come to some arrangement where everyone is happy.

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 30/08/2018 14:12

And more to the point, it will be hugely awful for the child when her siblings are welcome. Just treat this child as a child of a guest you have invited, easy. Dont separate out one child from her family

onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 14:12

TBH this is the kind of shite you get when you try to blend families. What I am getting is that your partner has 2 to his ex, you have one (or two) together or one is yours.
You aren't going to be able to sort out this kind of messy situation into a neat little box. It's too late for those kind of traditional expectations.
IMO it is lovely that your future MIL has included a child into the family, probably, for the benefit of 2 of your 4 children, ie, your partner's children. To them, this is a half sibling. So YABU to think this is a kid who is totally unrelated. The child IS part of your family, if you consider your partner's children yours.
I could say, why have your partner's children in the photos with your family, as they aren't your blood. Similarly if any of those children aren't joint, your future MIL could argue that your kids don't go on the photos of her side of the family.
IMO if you expect anyone to give a shit about your wedding you include them in it. Nobody really cares about your perceptions of perfect, they are supposed to be there to support you in your relationship. That works both ways. Stop being bloody precious it's a little kid. Or get married in a registry office with 2 witnesses.

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 30/08/2018 14:12

The problem isn't this photos IMO, the problem is that this child hasn't been welcomed as part of the family.

She may not be related to you, but she's related to your DH's children, and therefore should be welcomed.

I'd let her be in the photos and see it as a chance to build bridges. I think your "this child has nothing to do with me" attitude stinks tbh.

I recently attended a wedding where the bride's mother and father had both remarried and had other children.

Her parents' generation don't always see eye-to-eye (both "mothers" of the bride kept their distance from each other!) but the adult children all know each other well and are friends, even the ones with no blood relation, as they were encouraged to see each other as family growing up, despite ill feeling among the adults.

I'd say this is an opportunity for you to reassess how you and your DH are treating this child, and be the bigger person.

CornishMaid1 · 30/08/2018 14:13

I can understand why DP's mum did it and that is nice she treats the three the same.

Speak to the photographer and DP's mum. Have group photos and when you come to 'family' photos, do any involving DP's mum, get one of DP's 2 and their half-sibling and perhaps one of them all with DP's mum. DP's mum can then take half-sibling off and leave you to have your family photos with just your 4 children.

He/she is still sibling to your stepchildren so I can understand the child being involved. Just be glad that the family didn't invite the ex as well!

witchy89 · 30/08/2018 14:13

Most weddings that I have been to have had photographers who have a list of people who need to have their pics taken with the bride and groom, if you explain the situation to your photographer they can call people to come and have pics done for you, saving any embarrassment. You can still have the child included in some pics, and then some without.

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