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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be shocked and hurt by this?

131 replies

MrsJamesKeziahDelaney · 30/08/2018 09:36

Hi everyone. I could really do with some advice and feedback please, on whether I'm overreacting to this situation.

I will try to explain, with a bit of background and so as not to dripfeed.

A family member has been visiting from abroad. We see her every 10 years approx and so I have met her a few times only in my adult life. She is in her 50s. For the purposes of this, I will call her Kate, (not her real name). I am living back at home at the moment, due to complex mental and physical disabilities (I have previously lived independently for several years). My parents and I get along pretty well most of the time. I have OCD and am a hoarder, which is something I am always trying to deal with and change, with varying degrees of success or failure. My clutter and hoarding has NOT spread beyond my bedroom, the rest of the house is unaffected, my room is clean, but is very cluttered and hoarded up and 'messy'.

The visit with my relative from abroad has been going well, we've all been making big efforts for it to go well and I thought we had 'turned a bit of a corner' in how we are all getting on well and finally getting to know Kate better. (She is staying for 2 weeks).

Fast forward to late last night. Everyone has gone to bed except me, I am relaxing on the sofa watching a film (with my lovely dog) and my dog is laying in a really funny position suddenly, with legs in the air, 'smiling' and snoring. Cute. I notice that my dad's digital camera is on the mantelpiece, so I think I will take a quick snap of dog in the funny pose (we often do this and use whichever camera or phone is laying around nearest). Switch camera on, it doesn't seem to work how it usually does, so I end up fumbling with it and the display screen pops up, with the photos that have been taken showing. I can see there are a few cute pics of our family pets I haven't seen before, so I am just scrolling through those, smiling at the funny pics, when I am horrified to discover a photo of the inside of my bedroom. And another and another etc....

I realise in horror (and after a bit of confusion wondering why my dad has taken pics of my room) that this camera actually belongs to Kate. She has taken 6 or 7 photos of the inside of my bedroom, all from different angles, zooming in on details of the worst clutter and piles of stuff etc. I can see the date displayed across the screen on these pics and can see it was a day when (unusually), I was out of the house all day. So she must have waited until everyone was out and has taken the pics secretly and without mentioning it to or asking anyone.

I feel so shocked and hurt and upset! Obviously, the condition of my bedroom is not ideal, but I am trying to deal with it, Kate has never spoken to me about hoarding etc and as the rest of the house is lovely (and the room she is staying in), it isn't affecting her visit in any way. So I'm left thinking why has she taken several detailed pics, behind my back and in secret!? If it's out of genuine concern, why not talk to me about it? Sadly, I think it's more likely that these pics are for her 'records' and are just something to mock me with and have a good laugh with her family when she gets home.

I think that taking secret photos of someone else's bedroom is a horribly sneaky, deceptive thing to do and is a real invasion of privacy and breach of trust. I haven't a clue what to do now or say to her. I want the photos deleted and an explanation/apology, but for the sake of my parents don't want to make a scene.

Am I overreacting in thinking this invades my privacy, or do people agree that this was a shitty thing that Kate has done? Sorry this is so long and rambling, I've been up all night fretting and teary about it and have had no sleep. I would really appreciate people's thoughts. Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
MorseandLewis · 30/08/2018 12:10

Bit odd that 2 people who haven’t seen each other for years have the same camera

Or indeed even have a camera these days.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/08/2018 12:11

I think you need to be up front with Kate.

Tell her you took some photos on her camera believing it to be your DF's. You then looked at some photos on it and realised it belonged to her and not your DF and apologise for this.

Then tell her the photos you saw were ones of your room and ask her why she took them and who she planned to show them too. Make it clear that this is a massive invasion of your privacy and ask her to delete them. Hopefully she will see reason and do this in front of you.

If she doesn't i think it would be reasonable to ask her to leave but i guess you would need to have your DP's on side for this to happen as it is their home.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/08/2018 12:14

Morseandlewis My DP's still have a small camera as my DM doesn't like to use her phone to take pictures. My DH also has a camera but a bigger one as he takes photos as a hobby. I don't think using a camera is that unusual.

elessar · 30/08/2018 12:15

Clearly it's a gross invasion of privacy but you also invaded hers by flicking through the camera.

Maybe you genuinely didn't realise it wasn't your dad's but it's a relatively flimsy excuse as you did notice it didn't operate the same - it should have been pretty obvious at that point.

She was definitely wrong to do what she did though and you should confront her and ask what she was doing and why she took the photos.

ADastardlyThing · 30/08/2018 12:16

What she did was awful but unfortunately there is no high road for you in this as the Walter White style explanation makes it sound like you knew it was her phone either before or while you were messing with it, so you have invaded her privacy also but she was much worse. But I don't think there is any way you come out of this looking totally innocent, question is are you that arsed? I probably wouldn't be tbf.

Oldraver · 30/08/2018 12:17

I think I my of 'lost' the whole SD card...like someone uip thread said...let her know just what an invasion of privacy is like

BarbraDear · 30/08/2018 12:18

Show parents the pictures.

Delete said pictures.

Tell Kate she is a nosey cunt and to stay out of your room.

ADastardlyThing · 30/08/2018 12:18

*camera, not phone, makes it even harder to believe you didn't know it wasn't your dad's unless by massive unlikely coincidence they have the same model.

ADastardlyThing · 30/08/2018 12:20

And FFS dont delete all the pics that would be very twattish and might impact people other than her. Her privacy has already been invaded too don't forget.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/08/2018 12:22

Show your parents and then either delete them or confront Kate and make her delete them. What a nosey bitch she must be. I can think of no good reason for her to do this.

2littleguineas · 30/08/2018 12:22

I agree that's a huge invasion of your privacy and also very disrespectful to your parents who are generously hosting her.

I hope you're ok and this hasn't affected you too much.

mikeyssister · 30/08/2018 12:24

My first thought was that she was taking photos to help someone else. My second thought was even if that was the case I'd be gutted.
My third thought was you should tell your parents

Every other thought is why anyone gives a shit about why you were going through her camera, that's not what you were asking.

Alpacanorange · 30/08/2018 12:25

I would not say anything. 10 years between visits is along time and I could cope with the anxiety of being blamed for the fall out.
The memory card however would disappear. Forever.

Alpacanorange · 30/08/2018 12:26

Could not

Whipsmart · 30/08/2018 12:30

A lot of people are suggesting your parents may have asked her to help you with the hoarding - how on earth is secretly taking photos going to help anyone? Hmm

It's a horrible invasion of privacy - I agree take some shots of the pictures wth your own camera, delete and tell your parents. If you wanted to make her squirm, perhaps re-enact the original scenario, but in front of everyone - "Oh, look how cute the dog looks, I mist take a photo.... oh, that's a nice one you took, dad, wait, what's this?" See how she reacts to that!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2018 12:36

I'm outraged on your behalf - what an invasion of privacy! Shock

I think I'd have hidden her camera, waited for her to ask for it back and then looked through the pics in front of her - then you could have said "in the moment" "Oh! Why on earth do you have photos of my bedroom, what were you doing in there?!"

Paddley · 30/08/2018 12:42

I have a camera, if I left it in the living room of family I was staying with, I would half expect them to have a look, there could well be pictures on there that would be relevant to them. A camera is not like a phone.

I would delete and say nothing.

Put a large notice in your room, GET OUT KATE

Easytobuild · 30/08/2018 12:45

I really understand where you are coming from I really struggle with this, I wish I could keep it to the bedroom like you have managed to Sad If someone did this to me I would be really really upset. From your perspective, I think its worse because this is the only private space you have and it's been invaded, you didn't invite her in she sneaked about when no one was home showing she knows she's in the wrong!

I hate confrontation so I would have tried to take photos for evidence then deleted them straight away or delete them before she leaves if I could without suspicion because 1. If she checked before she leaves or checks at home she might just think the camera didn't work and she's not exactly going to call you out on it because it will let the cat out of the bag what she's been up to when everyone's out. 2. She may realise but then can she really have a go about you invading her private pictures on her camera? when she invaded your private space first! Then I would tell my parents but that's just me.

I hope your parents are understanding of where you are coming from her invading your space and taking photos is not on.

confusedmomm · 30/08/2018 12:48

Id be livid tbh. take a photo of the camera with photo from your phone as proof and delete them off the camera

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/08/2018 12:59

Ask her what the fuck she was doing in your bedroom!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/08/2018 13:05

You need to confront this piece of work, and delete the photos, all of them.
If someone abused my hospitality, by hurting a member of my family, they would be asked to leave.
You can do something about this OP, so do it.
I hope you are feeling much better soon Sweet.🌺

mintich · 30/08/2018 13:28

I'd delete them. Whats she going to say? Where are the photos I took of your room?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/08/2018 15:00

No over reaction OP... I'd be furious...

I wouldn't confront her...it sounds as if you're not going to see her much again... Such a breach of trust doesn't deserve a chance for a possible embarrassed apology... She knows she shouldn't have done it unless you'd agreed. Why on earth would she take this (is she a psychologist /psychiatrist??then with permission) unless to laugh /poke fun.?? There is no other explanation....

I'd delete her entire card of all her pictures.. What a pity all her holiday photos... And look innocent...

CrabbityRabbit · 30/08/2018 15:56

What an awful invasion of privacy. Why was she even aware of what your bedroom looks like?

YY to showing your parents then 'accidently' delete ALL her photos.

OneStepSideways · 30/08/2018 16:10

I'd take the SD card (make sure you delete any backed up copies from the camera's memory too) and say nothing. When she asks where the card is feign ignorance but in a way that she knows you know.

I would be livid in your shoes but reluctant to confront since she's your parents' guest. But I would 'find' the card after she'd gone and show them what's on it.