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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be shocked and hurt by this?

131 replies

MrsJamesKeziahDelaney · 30/08/2018 09:36

Hi everyone. I could really do with some advice and feedback please, on whether I'm overreacting to this situation.

I will try to explain, with a bit of background and so as not to dripfeed.

A family member has been visiting from abroad. We see her every 10 years approx and so I have met her a few times only in my adult life. She is in her 50s. For the purposes of this, I will call her Kate, (not her real name). I am living back at home at the moment, due to complex mental and physical disabilities (I have previously lived independently for several years). My parents and I get along pretty well most of the time. I have OCD and am a hoarder, which is something I am always trying to deal with and change, with varying degrees of success or failure. My clutter and hoarding has NOT spread beyond my bedroom, the rest of the house is unaffected, my room is clean, but is very cluttered and hoarded up and 'messy'.

The visit with my relative from abroad has been going well, we've all been making big efforts for it to go well and I thought we had 'turned a bit of a corner' in how we are all getting on well and finally getting to know Kate better. (She is staying for 2 weeks).

Fast forward to late last night. Everyone has gone to bed except me, I am relaxing on the sofa watching a film (with my lovely dog) and my dog is laying in a really funny position suddenly, with legs in the air, 'smiling' and snoring. Cute. I notice that my dad's digital camera is on the mantelpiece, so I think I will take a quick snap of dog in the funny pose (we often do this and use whichever camera or phone is laying around nearest). Switch camera on, it doesn't seem to work how it usually does, so I end up fumbling with it and the display screen pops up, with the photos that have been taken showing. I can see there are a few cute pics of our family pets I haven't seen before, so I am just scrolling through those, smiling at the funny pics, when I am horrified to discover a photo of the inside of my bedroom. And another and another etc....

I realise in horror (and after a bit of confusion wondering why my dad has taken pics of my room) that this camera actually belongs to Kate. She has taken 6 or 7 photos of the inside of my bedroom, all from different angles, zooming in on details of the worst clutter and piles of stuff etc. I can see the date displayed across the screen on these pics and can see it was a day when (unusually), I was out of the house all day. So she must have waited until everyone was out and has taken the pics secretly and without mentioning it to or asking anyone.

I feel so shocked and hurt and upset! Obviously, the condition of my bedroom is not ideal, but I am trying to deal with it, Kate has never spoken to me about hoarding etc and as the rest of the house is lovely (and the room she is staying in), it isn't affecting her visit in any way. So I'm left thinking why has she taken several detailed pics, behind my back and in secret!? If it's out of genuine concern, why not talk to me about it? Sadly, I think it's more likely that these pics are for her 'records' and are just something to mock me with and have a good laugh with her family when she gets home.

I think that taking secret photos of someone else's bedroom is a horribly sneaky, deceptive thing to do and is a real invasion of privacy and breach of trust. I haven't a clue what to do now or say to her. I want the photos deleted and an explanation/apology, but for the sake of my parents don't want to make a scene.

Am I overreacting in thinking this invades my privacy, or do people agree that this was a shitty thing that Kate has done? Sorry this is so long and rambling, I've been up all night fretting and teary about it and have had no sleep. I would really appreciate people's thoughts. Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:

headbangez · 30/08/2018 11:25

My own father did something similar to this. He stayed for a week and is a messy bugger himself. I was going through depression and was overwhelmed by a lot going on at that time. My flat was a mess and he had actually contributed to that mess. About 6 months later whilst visiting his home I accidentally came across a pile of photos he had taken of my flat without my knowledge. It hit me hard that he had done such a thing, why do that to your own daughter? It was to be used against me, to shame me to my other family members. I approached him immediately and he looked embarrassed and laughed it off. I left soon after taking the photos with me. I learned a lot about him that day and it opened my eyes to a lot of horrible things he is capable of.

In your situation the trust is now gone. It sounds like you don't see this person often (be glad for that) so they can't hurt you regularly. You must feel hurt that it was all going so well then you discovered their dark side. It was fake. I hope your parents back you up and protect you. This behaviour is disrespectful and I think you are justified to ask Kate directly what the purpose was of taking those photos. It's a direct invasion of privacy. Good luck x

EvaHarknessRose · 30/08/2018 11:28

I expect your parents may have confided to her about their worries about you, or their feelings about the behaviours your OCD and hoarding cause. It doesn’t excuse the photos.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 30/08/2018 11:28

Waiting until you were out and nosing around your room (Possibly the house too?) was wrong.

Definitely tell your parents what you found on the camera (Show them if possible) as they may have had things hidden away and might want to check they’re still ther and just be aware that Kate could have gone through their personal things.

Delete the photos yourself if possible but if you can’t then you or your parents must insist that she does. Let her know that you all know she has been nosing around while you were out. Hopefully she’ll apologise and be very red faced about the whole thing. That should be enough to stop her gossiping about your room with anyone else.

Pringlemunchers · 30/08/2018 11:30

I don't really understand, who's camera did she take them on ? Why do you think it was kate ?

Whisky2014 · 30/08/2018 11:33

This seems like a strange thing to say, no?
Why would a visit not go well? We're you expecting it to not go well? What do you mean "turned a corner"...has there been previous bad experiences?

Tbh I would just say you picked up her camera thinking it was your dad's and noticed she had taken pictures of your room and ask why. Doesnt have to be done in a big dramatic way. Just ask

Whisky2014 · 30/08/2018 11:34

And yy maybe your parents know. Maybe they asked her for help. Could that be possible?

Pringlemunchers · 30/08/2018 11:35

Sorry just read the bit about it being Kate's camera ?!!

Trampire · 30/08/2018 11:36

I agree that she's taken them so she can show other people back home and ridicule you/criticise you. It's horrible.

I would show your parents and then delete them. I wouldn't confront her, but that's just me. I would be angry yes, but tally she's going back with no photos.

Btw, as a hoarder, well done for keeping it within your room and trying to tackle it. That must be tough for you.

Trampire · 30/08/2018 11:36

Tally = happy.

Lalliella · 30/08/2018 11:39

OP your post wasn’t long and rambling, it very clearly explained what happened. Also you weren’t being nosy, please ignore PPs who are saying that. PPs saying this about OP - do you really think this is going to help OP’s mental state and view of what is normal behaviour?

What Kate did was a gross invasion of your privacy and you are not over-reacting to feel the way you do about it. I’m sorry to hear it has upset you so much, when all you are trying to do is live your life in your way and deal with your condition the best you can. for you.

I agree with PPs who said to sit down with your parents and Kate, say you are very sorry you picked up Kate’s camera by mistake thinking it was your dad’s and you saw the photos. She will probably be mortified. Then you should say very calmly that you would appreciate it if she doesn’t go in your room again. I think the situation will sort itself out after that. Good luck OP

Mintylicious · 30/08/2018 11:40

Whatever her motive, she’s gone about it in a despicable way that is a huge breach of trust.

And it’s hard to give her the benefit of the doubt when she’s kept it so secret. Even if she were planning to try and talk about it with you - like it’s any of her business - the fact that she sneaked around to take photographs suggests that would be more about her ego than it would be about you.

I think you need to show your parents and agree with them how you’re going to tackle her. Then you’re not doing it alone 🤞🏻

Artichoke18 · 30/08/2018 11:40

It is an invasion of your privacy but that's how your room looks to an outsider. How did she know about it? Your parents may be struggling with it and confided in her.

ravenmum · 30/08/2018 11:41

So these hoarder programmes on TV, do most people watch them to laugh at the hoarders? I thought it was out of fascination at how differently other people live. (They sound as fun as watching paint dry to me :) )

gingergenius · 30/08/2018 11:46

Agree with pp - get it out in the open with your parents and Kate and then insist they are deleted

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 30/08/2018 11:48

SIL took a picture of my clutter. Like you, I discovered it by accident. I simply deleted the photo and didn't mention it.

SIL is an arse for doing this.

However - my clutter is visible, not hidden away in a room. It's another level to go into your room and invade you privacy like this. I'd show them to your parents before deleting them.

mikeTV · 30/08/2018 11:48

Op - how would you feel if it turned out your parents have asked for Kate's help to help you with your hoarding?

Fromage · 30/08/2018 11:49

What Kate has done is awful.

I think it's good advice to take pictures with your phone as proof and then delete Kate's pictures. Then I think speak to your parents and go from there.

I'd be angry enough to sneak, with her own camera, into Kate's room and take some pictures of her stuff- inside her laundry bag, any personal items - and leave them on her camera. Shows a) how horrid it is to know someone was sneaking about your personal space but b) shows you have no intention of doing anything with the photos, as they will be on her camera, not yours.

I hope your parents back you up. What a truly awful thing to do. If someone had a physical health condition - for example, a colostomy bag - would she have taken photos of the evidence of that, too? Would that be OK? Obviously not - she's ignorant to the effects of an mental health condition and needs educating. Primarily, not to be such a bitch.

I'm angry on your behalf - and very sorry this has happened to you.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/08/2018 11:51

That is completely out of order. Definitely show your parents and then delete them. Hopefully your parents would be willing to confront her about this (if you were my child I would ask her to leave).

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 30/08/2018 11:52

This is an invasion of your privacy and just plain mean. Would she have taken photos of you lying in a bed, with drips and tubes and a heart monitor? Or having your chemotherapy? You have an illness. Point this out to her and shame her for what she did.

JustJoinedRightNow · 30/08/2018 11:53

Use your phone to take a photo of the photos showing up on the digital camera so you’ve got proof. You can then show this to your parents and even if she suspects something and deletes them you’ll have definitive proof they existed.

This is a gross invasion of your privacy OP and I would be livid if the same thing happened to me. Really makes you think twice about being hospitable and allowing people to stay in your home.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 30/08/2018 11:54

Oh, and she should pack her things and get a taxi to the airport.

ChipsNotDaddy · 30/08/2018 11:56

Ask her if you can borrow her camera in front of her and then show your parents with her standing there

100% this. It puts her right on the spot.

She has clearly taken the photos to show friends or family.

Her actions are much worse than any hoarding problem you may have.

You need to confront this or you will stay upset.

Who knows, there might be a perfectly plausible explanation...

recklessruby · 30/08/2018 11:56

It's awful. A complete invasion of your privacy and rude to snoop around someone s house when you're a guest.
Show your parents and maybe together confront Kate and delete pics.
You're not hurting her by the way you live and I say that as a minimalist clean freak who lives with a messy dd with a crammed bedroom.

Lizzie48 · 30/08/2018 11:59

You wouldn't have to look all that closely to see the state of the OP's room, bedroom doors do tend to be open at times and a nosy individual would very quickly discover the hoarding.

It's telling that there are always posters who manage to mate the OP unreasonable. This is clearly not the case here.

FilledSoda · 30/08/2018 11:59

She reminds me of my narc 'd'm.
When I was a child we had family stay with us for a holiday. Their daughter was 15 or 16 and my m regaled my df and I with all the information she had read in this girl's dairy.
Even as a kid i was shocked ,she couldn't see what the problem was.

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