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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be shocked and hurt by this?

131 replies

MrsJamesKeziahDelaney · 30/08/2018 09:36

Hi everyone. I could really do with some advice and feedback please, on whether I'm overreacting to this situation.

I will try to explain, with a bit of background and so as not to dripfeed.

A family member has been visiting from abroad. We see her every 10 years approx and so I have met her a few times only in my adult life. She is in her 50s. For the purposes of this, I will call her Kate, (not her real name). I am living back at home at the moment, due to complex mental and physical disabilities (I have previously lived independently for several years). My parents and I get along pretty well most of the time. I have OCD and am a hoarder, which is something I am always trying to deal with and change, with varying degrees of success or failure. My clutter and hoarding has NOT spread beyond my bedroom, the rest of the house is unaffected, my room is clean, but is very cluttered and hoarded up and 'messy'.

The visit with my relative from abroad has been going well, we've all been making big efforts for it to go well and I thought we had 'turned a bit of a corner' in how we are all getting on well and finally getting to know Kate better. (She is staying for 2 weeks).

Fast forward to late last night. Everyone has gone to bed except me, I am relaxing on the sofa watching a film (with my lovely dog) and my dog is laying in a really funny position suddenly, with legs in the air, 'smiling' and snoring. Cute. I notice that my dad's digital camera is on the mantelpiece, so I think I will take a quick snap of dog in the funny pose (we often do this and use whichever camera or phone is laying around nearest). Switch camera on, it doesn't seem to work how it usually does, so I end up fumbling with it and the display screen pops up, with the photos that have been taken showing. I can see there are a few cute pics of our family pets I haven't seen before, so I am just scrolling through those, smiling at the funny pics, when I am horrified to discover a photo of the inside of my bedroom. And another and another etc....

I realise in horror (and after a bit of confusion wondering why my dad has taken pics of my room) that this camera actually belongs to Kate. She has taken 6 or 7 photos of the inside of my bedroom, all from different angles, zooming in on details of the worst clutter and piles of stuff etc. I can see the date displayed across the screen on these pics and can see it was a day when (unusually), I was out of the house all day. So she must have waited until everyone was out and has taken the pics secretly and without mentioning it to or asking anyone.

I feel so shocked and hurt and upset! Obviously, the condition of my bedroom is not ideal, but I am trying to deal with it, Kate has never spoken to me about hoarding etc and as the rest of the house is lovely (and the room she is staying in), it isn't affecting her visit in any way. So I'm left thinking why has she taken several detailed pics, behind my back and in secret!? If it's out of genuine concern, why not talk to me about it? Sadly, I think it's more likely that these pics are for her 'records' and are just something to mock me with and have a good laugh with her family when she gets home.

I think that taking secret photos of someone else's bedroom is a horribly sneaky, deceptive thing to do and is a real invasion of privacy and breach of trust. I haven't a clue what to do now or say to her. I want the photos deleted and an explanation/apology, but for the sake of my parents don't want to make a scene.

Am I overreacting in thinking this invades my privacy, or do people agree that this was a shitty thing that Kate has done? Sorry this is so long and rambling, I've been up all night fretting and teary about it and have had no sleep. I would really appreciate people's thoughts. Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
MorseandLewis · 30/08/2018 10:40

Did you parents know? Maybe they asked her for help or for an external view? maybe they want her to address it on their behalf?

Living with a hoarder is very hard. We effectively had to have a family intervention because the health of my GPs was at risk due to their hoarding adult child.

Yes, I know that I am projecting- but also giving another possible viewpoint.

Gersemi · 30/08/2018 10:40

Send the photos to yourself so you have proof before you delete them off the relative's camera. Certainly get a lock for your door. If I were your parent, I suspect I'd be asking her to leave immediately.

HavelockVetinari · 30/08/2018 10:40

Bloody hell what a horrible thing for her to do! Definitely show your parents and then delete.

billybagpuss · 30/08/2018 10:41

Hope you are ok OP and manage to deal with this, I too would show your parents.

cobwebsinthebelfry · 30/08/2018 10:41

Show your parents and then delete the pictures,I'd also take a picture of yourself with a sign saying Kate stay out of my bedroom!

Can you imagine the look on her face when she see's that picture? Grin

^^ exactly right. And Kate doesn't get invited back in the future.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/08/2018 10:43

The dark side in me would actually delete her entire memory card, actually. She can learn what a creepy invasion of privacy feels like first hand.

You and I must share a hive mind BadderWolf This is exactly what I would do - and I would do it now. OP you may not get a chance to get hold of the camera again - delete what you want to delete now while you have a chance.

Hoarding is an addiction like another - it isn't easy to cope with. You are doing your best in your own way and own time. It is shameful behaviour on her part. Shameful!

BewareOfDragons · 30/08/2018 10:44

I think there's a name change fail on here, OP.

If would talk to your parents and then delete the pictures, if you think they'll support you. If not, just delete the pictures and tell her to stay out of your room.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 30/08/2018 10:48

What relationship is she to you/your parents?

When do you think you’ll see her again?

I’m sorry you’ve been so upset by this. If you’re upset, you’re upset...it doesn’t really matter what her intention was.

However, if someone picked up my camera/phone/iPad and started flicking through the photos I’d be livid. I know you thought it was your Dad’s and you are happy to share (all good), but when you noticed it wasn’t working as normal, you should have checked.

I take photos of all kinds of things, so being completely honest, I’d possibly have taken photos of your room too, I wouldn’t have asked for fear of upsetting you, but I wouldn’t share them with anyone else either.

People have taken photos of my house, definitely not showing it in it’s best light, nor me, as I’m renovating it and at times it’s looked like a complete shit tip with stuff everywhere (personal stuff rather than paint etc as it’s all in one room or whatever).

I’d be properly pissed off if someone deleted photos on MY camera, I’d far rather (in this situation) that you told me what’s had happened so I could either reassure you or delete them.

However, in your situation last night I might have deleted them, acting first, thinking after.

You have both breached each other’s privacy. She acted more deliberately than you, but that doesn’t mean it was malicious.

It would depend on the people involved whether I told my parents or not & whether I deleted them or not. Only you can decide what’s best.

I hope you can get help with your hoarding. It always comes from a emotional root, it’s just not always easy to identify and even then, not easy to change for most people, although some do have a lightbulb moment and just stop. Best wishes for getting to a ‘better place’ 🌷

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 10:52

BewareofDragons where's the NC fail?

golddustwomen · 30/08/2018 10:54

Show your parents and then delete.
Complete breach of privacy and frankly a total dick move to have a laugh at your expense.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/08/2018 10:55

I think you have both breached each others privacy if i am being honest.

She should not have been taking pictures of your own privates space.

You should not have been scrolling through the pictures on her camera. Unless the camera was identical to your DF's camera you should have noticed it wasn't the same camera.

I would think twice before confronting her. Possibly speak to your DP's first to get their advice?

MipMipMip · 30/08/2018 10:56

Seconding a P.p. with regard to checking if there is cloud storage.

But yes, shoe parents and delete. Then confront. Shocking behaviour.

BewareOfDragons · 30/08/2018 11:01

I may have misread 'rogue apostrophe fail ' comment as a response to someone with that user name ... Grin Great user name potential there, though...

Grizistheshiz · 30/08/2018 11:07

So you invade your house guest’s privacy by flicking through her pictures, but she’s terrible for invading your privacy and taking photos of a room in the house she’s staying in?

You shouldn’t have sneaked a peek at her camera. If you mention it your family will know you were being nosey and you’ll cause a big drama over nothing. No one will believe you didn’t know it wasn’t your camera. That is just nonsense to justify being nosey.

Bite your tongue, don’t cause your parents any family trouble by your nosiness! They won’t thank you for it.

Brambleboo · 30/08/2018 11:11

She has thrown your family's hospitality right back in your face. I'm not surprised you are upset, OP. You have every right to be. A person's bedroom is their private sanctuary. No guest should ever enter a bedroom, other than the one they're sleeping in, unless invited.

I really do think you should let your parents know. Then you, or your parents if you'd prefer, ask Kate about the photos, asking for them to be deleted completely.

HesterMacaulay · 30/08/2018 11:12

Delete them and not say anything. If she chooses to challenge you she has to admit to taking them in the first place.

ravenmum · 30/08/2018 11:12

OP made it clear she thought it was her dad's camera.

Sooo tempting to take some pictures of her underwear, never mention a thing and avoid her on her next trip in ten years' time. Obviously that would mean you were just as bad as her, but at least you can think about how much she deserves it!

Whatever the state of your home, she shouldn't be going into your private room without asking. I wouldn't assume she meant to actually laugh at you - maybe just to show to others and say "See, a real-life hoarder". But even that would be well out of order, obviously.

My serious advice would be, if you can, to say that you accidentally looked at her photos and saw that she'd take shots of your room. And that perhaps she doesn't understand what it's like to be a hoarder, and would she like you to say how it feels?

It sounds like she has a very superficial relationship with you and does not think of you as a real person with real feelings and a real right to privacy. I know I've been guilty of that with some people in the past (though without being unpleasant to them), and have felt bad when they have made me wake up from it. She could do with some educating.

Magicstar1 · 30/08/2018 11:15

I would delete them and say nothing. If she asks where they've gone you can tell her she'd no right to be in your room. And put a lock on your door.

HesterShaw1 · 30/08/2018 11:18

How horrible OP :( YANBU at all. A real betrayal of trust and privacy.

And for what it's worth, I think you explained the situation you're in perfectly Flowers

ravenmum · 30/08/2018 11:19

I don't get the advice to delete and say nothing. That would create a dreadful atmosphere. Sounds like OP wanted to have a relationship with this woman, plus she's there for two weeks.

cricketmum84 · 30/08/2018 11:20

I thought it was a really good account of what happened OP - not long or rambling at all.

I wouldn't delete the photos just yet. I would sit Kate and your parents down together and calmly tell them all what you have found - your parents will more than likely ask her to delete the photos at that point.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person at all :(

ApolloandDaphne · 30/08/2018 11:20

The OP also says that the camera doesn't work the way it usually does so she was aware something was different about it. Instead of looking at it and think 'oh this is not DFs camera' she decided to look at the pictures on it. I think fault certainly lies both ways.

ravenmum · 30/08/2018 11:22

I realise in horror (and after a bit of confusion wondering why my dad has taken pics of my room) that this camera actually belongs to Kate.
It is very clear that (according to OP) she only realised it was not her dad's after seeing the photos.

thebeesknees123 · 30/08/2018 11:22

I think she needs calling out on this. If you delete and say nothing, she'll never be put in a position where she's forced to explain herself, which will take some doing even if she thinks you looked at her camera deliberately

OzymandiasFanClub · 30/08/2018 11:24

Forget her sneaky snooping- that's outrageously bad mannered- but turn it into an opportunity for you to try and move forward with your recovery.