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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be shocked and hurt by this?

131 replies

MrsJamesKeziahDelaney · 30/08/2018 09:36

Hi everyone. I could really do with some advice and feedback please, on whether I'm overreacting to this situation.

I will try to explain, with a bit of background and so as not to dripfeed.

A family member has been visiting from abroad. We see her every 10 years approx and so I have met her a few times only in my adult life. She is in her 50s. For the purposes of this, I will call her Kate, (not her real name). I am living back at home at the moment, due to complex mental and physical disabilities (I have previously lived independently for several years). My parents and I get along pretty well most of the time. I have OCD and am a hoarder, which is something I am always trying to deal with and change, with varying degrees of success or failure. My clutter and hoarding has NOT spread beyond my bedroom, the rest of the house is unaffected, my room is clean, but is very cluttered and hoarded up and 'messy'.

The visit with my relative from abroad has been going well, we've all been making big efforts for it to go well and I thought we had 'turned a bit of a corner' in how we are all getting on well and finally getting to know Kate better. (She is staying for 2 weeks).

Fast forward to late last night. Everyone has gone to bed except me, I am relaxing on the sofa watching a film (with my lovely dog) and my dog is laying in a really funny position suddenly, with legs in the air, 'smiling' and snoring. Cute. I notice that my dad's digital camera is on the mantelpiece, so I think I will take a quick snap of dog in the funny pose (we often do this and use whichever camera or phone is laying around nearest). Switch camera on, it doesn't seem to work how it usually does, so I end up fumbling with it and the display screen pops up, with the photos that have been taken showing. I can see there are a few cute pics of our family pets I haven't seen before, so I am just scrolling through those, smiling at the funny pics, when I am horrified to discover a photo of the inside of my bedroom. And another and another etc....

I realise in horror (and after a bit of confusion wondering why my dad has taken pics of my room) that this camera actually belongs to Kate. She has taken 6 or 7 photos of the inside of my bedroom, all from different angles, zooming in on details of the worst clutter and piles of stuff etc. I can see the date displayed across the screen on these pics and can see it was a day when (unusually), I was out of the house all day. So she must have waited until everyone was out and has taken the pics secretly and without mentioning it to or asking anyone.

I feel so shocked and hurt and upset! Obviously, the condition of my bedroom is not ideal, but I am trying to deal with it, Kate has never spoken to me about hoarding etc and as the rest of the house is lovely (and the room she is staying in), it isn't affecting her visit in any way. So I'm left thinking why has she taken several detailed pics, behind my back and in secret!? If it's out of genuine concern, why not talk to me about it? Sadly, I think it's more likely that these pics are for her 'records' and are just something to mock me with and have a good laugh with her family when she gets home.

I think that taking secret photos of someone else's bedroom is a horribly sneaky, deceptive thing to do and is a real invasion of privacy and breach of trust. I haven't a clue what to do now or say to her. I want the photos deleted and an explanation/apology, but for the sake of my parents don't want to make a scene.

Am I overreacting in thinking this invades my privacy, or do people agree that this was a shitty thing that Kate has done? Sorry this is so long and rambling, I've been up all night fretting and teary about it and have had no sleep. I would really appreciate people's thoughts. Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 30/08/2018 10:08

Show your parents before you delete them, as she might deny it

WhatchaMaCalllit · 30/08/2018 10:08

I'd have the camera turned on and with the preview of one of the photos on the screen when Kate arrives in the kitchen for breakfast. I'd have to raise it with her why she thought it was acceptable to go into your room and also why on earth she thought it was remotely acceptable to take photos of what is a manifestation of a difficult condition that you're trying to deal with? Would she do this with someone who cuts themselves? Take photos of their scars? Why? I would demand that she delete the photos now (and if she's backed the camera up to the cloud that she deletes them from the cloud too). If she can't come up with a reasonable explanation as to why she did this, and it would have to be bloody good excuse, she is to pack her belongings and move out for the remainder of her visit.

Sierra259 · 30/08/2018 10:08

Another one saying show your parents the photos, delete them and then ask Kate to leave. What she has done is completely unacceptable and must feel awful for you.

WhiteCaribou · 30/08/2018 10:09

Don't delete the photos before you have shown your parents. If you do it's your word against hers and she could deny she ever took them. I would show your parents and let them deal with it as she is a guest in their home (I know it's your home too but presumably they own it/pay the rent etc)

Babdoc · 30/08/2018 10:09

I would show your parents the pics, so they know exactly what kind of person Kate is, then delete them without saying anything to Kate herself.
She will realise she’s been rumbled, but she won’t know which of the three of you know about her despicable behaviour, and she will be treading on eggshells for the rest of her visit. She won’t be able to ask without admitting her guilt.
Then make sure your parents never invite her back.

fieryginger · 30/08/2018 10:11

Please come back and tell us what you did, op.

I'm hoping you showed your parents and asked for an explanation as to why she invaded your privacy. There can be no doubt that she took them to mock you, I hope she deletes them, I hope you ask her to delete them. She was out of order.

alifromtheforest · 30/08/2018 10:12

That's an absolutely ghastly thing to do and a total violation of your privacy. You poor thing.

I second showing the photos to your parents and then ask her for an explanation with them present.

allypally999 · 30/08/2018 10:12

I am a little strange myself and not always sure what is the right thing to do but I'd have deleted them instantly. Maybe share with parents first though. If it was an attempt to "help" you surely they would have been involved and it would not have been done behind your back? We all seem to agree on this and the fact you are not over-reacting. On the positive side (I am an optimist) I don't think she will be coming back so yay! I hate visitors

getupdressandshowup · 30/08/2018 10:13

I Like OhHolidays idea. Like lots of funny face selfies. Can you take photos of her stuff in your parents house too? I would definitely show my parents the photos she has taken on her camera. It invades your privacy massively and is not OK. It is not a common area e.g. lounge or garden. She did not take those accidentally. She sounds nasty. for you. You sound nice.

DisgustedofSouthend · 30/08/2018 10:15

that is awful, have it out with her op. once you have deleted them, why on earth is it her business?

Blueemeraldagain · 30/08/2018 10:16

Can you take a photo of the display screen with your phone? I would want those photos gone ASAP but can understand you wanting to show your parents.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 30/08/2018 10:18

You say the photos were taken when you were out but that doesn't mean your parents were. Or that they don't know about the photos being taken. Is it possible that they are aware and have asked her for help with your situation?

Beaverhausen · 30/08/2018 10:19

Ask her if you can borrow her camera in front of her and then show your parents with her standing there. No doubt your parents understanding what you are going through will take her to task for the invasion of your privacy and for obviously wanting to go and show the rest of the family and embarrass you. Make her delete them and explain to her that abusing someone with mental health issues speaks volumes of the person.

Please do not let such an insignificant petty person upset you, you are doing the best you can. Also make her delete those photos and explain to her that she is not to step foot in your personal space again.

eggsandwich · 30/08/2018 10:21

I would also delete the pictures and by doing that when she next access her camera to look at the pictures she’ll see the ones of your bedroom have been deleted, the good thing is she won’t know if it’s your parents that have seen them and deleted them or you, either way it will make it very uncomfortable for her to stay in future.

I would also tell your parents once her visit is over what she had done.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 10:21

I would confront her tbh.

lola006 · 30/08/2018 10:22

Oh OP, I’m so sorry! I struggle with privacy issues (I’m really, really private...just how I am) and people, other than my husband and kids, going into my bedroom really frustrates me. My MIL knows this and always finds a reason when she’s visiting to go in there (laundry, hair dryer, whatever). That feeling of someone being in space when they know they shouldn’t be is not pleasant.

As pp’s have said, I would speak to your parents and confront this woman. If she did this because she knows someone at home in a similar situation, she could have asked your parents or you for advice/suggestions/empathy outright. The fact she did it in secret when you weren’t in makes me suspect it was malicious as well. I’m so sorry again.

Rebecca36 · 30/08/2018 10:22

That was a dreadful thing for Kate to do. To even go into your room was bad enough, never mind photographing it.

As her why she did it, tell her how upset it has made you (hanging on to the camera), then delete the photographs. I'd want her to leave but that's up to you.

Somanymistakes · 30/08/2018 10:24

The way you talk about her is interesting. Talking about "turning a corner" and all of you really making an effort to make her visit successful.

Is she a very confrontational or difficult person? Why is she so hard to deal with?

Re: photos of your room
Show your parents her camera and tell them how upset you feel.
Ask them if they knew why she did it
Discuss this with them - I would definitely want the photos deleted in front of you and your parents. I would confront her as a group. Not to be intimidating but so she doesn't try to turn this onto you or make you feel upset and try to wriggle out of it.

It may be your room but as your parent I'd be beyond pissed off that someone was possibly judging my house and my child.

ElspethFlashman · 30/08/2018 10:26

Take snaps of the photos with your phone, for proof.

Then delete.

Delete before you talk to your parents as they may be funny about you deleting them and you don't need that argument, or for it to become a thing. If you have already deleted them then the deed is done.

Kate may not even notice till she returns. But even if she does, she won't say anything.

Do you have a lock?

Timeoftheseason · 30/08/2018 10:27

What a nasty person she is. A bedroom is usually a private space for the
occupant(s) and those invited in.

Fairenuff · 30/08/2018 10:29

Photograph the pictures with your own device as proof.

Delete them off her camera.

Tell your parents.

RabbitsAreTasty · 30/08/2018 10:30

I would show my parents and delete them.

If I were feeling evil and didn't think parent's would back me up, then I would delete the photos of my room and maybe take a few photos of Kate's holiday washing pile or pants or such like. Something nice and intrusive. Then sit back and say nothing. Nothing at all.

If you do the evil plan, take a video on your phone of scrolling through the photos on her camera, in case she makes a fuss and denies starting the let's be a nosey parker game.

RabbitsAreTasty · 30/08/2018 10:31

Rogue apostrophe... Parents would back me up.

Gazelda · 30/08/2018 10:36

I wouldn't be nervous about any confrontation ruining the rest of her stay. Kate has already made the rest of her stay unpleasant for you.
She's shown herself to have no boundaries or respect. I suspect she planned to show the pics to others to mock you (although anyone decent would only think negatively about Kate if she showed them).
Either delete them, or show them to your parents and ask Kate to delete them.

I think it would be a mistake not to tell your parents, she has betrayed their hospitality and invaded the privacy of a member of the household.
I hope she leaves very soon and that she never receives a return invite.

deepsea · 30/08/2018 10:39

Tell your parents, delete the photos and ask her to leave. This is not on at all.

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