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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re My DM and Chipgate?

104 replies

FuckUDailyMail · 30/08/2018 00:30

We went out to dinner with my DM this evening, me thinking it will be nice for her to see her only DGC and catch up because she never visits us and we're always going to her home. It was a buffet due to her raging on about it but I thought it would be reasonably good for picking at bits for a child that's doing BLW.

DM has her food and and starts putting stuff aside for my DD to which I said, "Don't give any yet, I'll be back in a minute." I go to get a plate that me and DD can share and come back to see that DD has something around her mouth. I was a little worried about DD possibly having been sick as she has a food allergy and we're trying to reintroduce it. DM says "No, I gave her a chip."

At this point I got annoyed and told her that I'd specifically said not to give DD anything yet (DD wasn't in her high chair yet, had no bib on and has real form for smearing food everywhere of late when she was as tired as she was) and she needs to respect what I say as a parent. DM says "it's just a chip" and I remind her of instances where she has done this with other things* and continues to do so by making excuses like "Oh I did it but I only did it X amount of times" or "on X occasion but not usually". She will downplay any circumstance she has defied my wishes but continue to tell me about it as if it's to make a point. Whilst I'm glad I know because I'd be angrier if she lied, I'd rather she doesn't do it at all. I reminded her it annoys me as much when my in laws do it and she started saying "would you say this to your DH's parents?" But when I said "no, I'd expect my DH to talk to them about it because he's their son," she went on saying "but would he though?" This was in front of DH and she knows we have big issues about this. Every conversation with me putting my foot down as s parent she makes me feel as though I'm awful about it, I end up snapping because it's always shrugged off with a 'yes, yes, get over it' attitude.

Now I'm starting to think maybe I should let this and other instances slide? There was an awful atmosphere at dinner after and DM ended up saying if we were going to hang around at the table, she was ready to leave but we could stay. On one hand I do feel bad and want to say something but not sure what I should be apologising for.

  • Like Me and DH have an issue with DM sharing photos of DD and wanting to post them on Facebook when we've explicitly told her not to. When she found out I had on a couple of occasions (shared with only a very select few that I'd chosen), she started making comments about not being able to do it and then I found out she had been sending her photos to lots of people because she let slip.
OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/08/2018 00:33

It’s a case of pick your battles surely? It was a chip.

Original poster
FuckUDailyMail · 30/08/2018 00:42

This is what I'm thinking in hindsight but at the time I'm ashamed to say it just annoyed me at the fact it's a regular thing. Every occasion she does something small (although not usually this small) adds up to a bigger picture of her not listening and ignoring our wishes. We've ignored quite a few things and I wonder if she will just do what she wants when DD stays in future.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 30/08/2018 00:49

You sound quite controlling, your child is just that, a child, not a highly classified government secret. It was a chip not a bottle of vodka, get over it

karyatide · 30/08/2018 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/08/2018 01:01

If a person is a self-obsessed bully, it will always be 'only' something that appears small but is actually part of the death of a thousand cuts. It's the constant picking away and pushing and poking and trying to get a reaction that is so exhausting. My sympathies, OP.

EmUntitled · 30/08/2018 01:03

If the chip was a one off thing, I would say YABU.
However if its the latest in a long line of deliberately disregarding requests about your child, you're probably not unreasonable.
Unfortunately in your mums head she will probably rationalise it that you had a big bust up about a chip and were being ridiculous, so I doubt if anything will change.

TrippingTheVelvet · 30/08/2018 01:15

I agree with Reanimated. It sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Stillme1 · 30/08/2018 01:31

Some food allergies can lead to very serious health problems. I know several people who stick rigidly to certain foods in order to maintain health. In some cases a chip could cause serious problems.
This is a very young child because of the high chair being mentioned so the child will not be able to understand what they can or can not eat so it is the responsibility of the adults around the child to make sure that the child is safe within the allergies.
I think you need to speak clearly to DM and tell her that the child must not be given any foods without your knowledge.

Witchend · 30/08/2018 01:33

I'd say if you issues was allergies, then yes you were right to stand firm. But on the basis it was just you didn't want her smearing it around, I think it probably wasn't the time to make a fuss.

agnurse · 30/08/2018 01:35

There have been cases where GPs refused to believe that food allergies were a real problem and said "It's only just a bit of something and they need to be exposed to fix the problem". Sometimes those "little bits of something" have nearly killed children and resulted in hospital stays.

If DM won't listen to boundaries, then she doesn't get to see DD. It's THAT simple.

Stillme1 · 30/08/2018 02:10

Agnurse - that is a bit extreme to say that DM cant see the child at all. A more moderate response would be that the DM is never to give food to the DC. Maybe the DM does not understand the allergies. It would be an idea to explain the full situation. And I am a person who knows a lot about extreme allergies.

SalemBlackCat · 30/08/2018 02:12

If your husband was there at the table, why didn't he stop her giving the chip?

CSIblonde · 30/08/2018 02:30

This is about you & your mum in a battle for power & control. If you're winding each other up this much its a tense, stressful atmosphere that does no one any favours. I'd make visits short and on neutral ground & no food if that's often the fuel to the fire.

HereBeFuckery · 30/08/2018 02:36

Was your DM aware of the allergy? Is it a potato allergy? Is it serious enough to be life threatening?
If yes to all three, YANBU.
If no, then YABU. Grandparents aren't your minions, they build their own relationships with their grandchildren. Stop trying to manage that.

thebewilderness · 30/08/2018 02:42

What do you think children learn every time they see this kind of interaction between adults. One person asks another to wait, they'll be right back and that person disregards them and does as they please.

If your mum won't respect your wishes with regard to your daughter and insists on doing things her way you will have to reduce her opportunities to create these kinds of in your face conflict scenes.

Hertha · 30/08/2018 02:51

Sounds like she’s been chipping away at you for quite some time.

Or maybe you have a chip on your shoulder.

Sorry.

nocoolnamesleft · 30/08/2018 03:06

I do hope Hertha isn't implying that the OP is a chip off the old block?

Sorry.

CantankerousCamel · 30/08/2018 03:28

How many kids are allergic to potato?

It’s like the most inert food ever. You sound like a nightmare OP.

karyatide · 30/08/2018 04:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 30/08/2018 04:57

Tbh, I have an issue with my DD over the way that she will speak to me, but takes shit from her In-Laws, so I can see why she would say that.

However I wouldn't go against a Parent with a child so young. But, I'd also say to you to pick your battles.

faeriequeen · 30/08/2018 05:14

You sound very controlling. Was the issue that your mother disobeyed you? Is that really how you want your relationship to be.
And the Facebook photos thing is just nonsense.
Like PPs have said, pick your battles.

Ihavethepower · 30/08/2018 05:42

She was right, just a chip.

AlmaGeddon · 30/08/2018 06:31

Is DH a bit of a wooss? Sounds like it is unlikely he will stand up for you with a domineering DM like your DMIL.
There are often threads about DMs trying to form loving DGP relationships for their DCs. I don't think it is something you can force. You can make it easy for the DGPs to spend time with the DCs but other than that I don't think there is too much you can do. I would settle for visiting MIL in her home. She might be more interested when DD can talk and even when DD is older and independent.

Magair · 30/08/2018 06:39

Imagine going out to dinner with your family, everyone's busy getting buffet food, kid mithering for food, chairs being rearranged, drinks being delivered etc and giving your DGC a chip to give you all a minute to settle and wait for her food, then getting told off about that..... and then when you point out it is only a chip getting reminded of all the other things you've done wrong and the times you've disobeyed your DD like when you sent a picture to your mate Susan.

It just sounds really tense and controlling and like you don't trust your mum to be part of a loving extended family.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/08/2018 06:43

OK, it was only a chip and unlikely to do any harm (as far as she knew), but what was so hard about waiting a couple of minutes until the mum came back? What's the bloody rush? Was it the last chance she would ever get to feed her grandchild a chip, and would her relationship with her grandchild forever suffer from this lack? Rather unlikely. So why not just be polite and wait as asked? That's the issue, not a mere piece of potato.