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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re My DM and Chipgate?

104 replies

FuckUDailyMail · 30/08/2018 00:30

We went out to dinner with my DM this evening, me thinking it will be nice for her to see her only DGC and catch up because she never visits us and we're always going to her home. It was a buffet due to her raging on about it but I thought it would be reasonably good for picking at bits for a child that's doing BLW.

DM has her food and and starts putting stuff aside for my DD to which I said, "Don't give any yet, I'll be back in a minute." I go to get a plate that me and DD can share and come back to see that DD has something around her mouth. I was a little worried about DD possibly having been sick as she has a food allergy and we're trying to reintroduce it. DM says "No, I gave her a chip."

At this point I got annoyed and told her that I'd specifically said not to give DD anything yet (DD wasn't in her high chair yet, had no bib on and has real form for smearing food everywhere of late when she was as tired as she was) and she needs to respect what I say as a parent. DM says "it's just a chip" and I remind her of instances where she has done this with other things* and continues to do so by making excuses like "Oh I did it but I only did it X amount of times" or "on X occasion but not usually". She will downplay any circumstance she has defied my wishes but continue to tell me about it as if it's to make a point. Whilst I'm glad I know because I'd be angrier if she lied, I'd rather she doesn't do it at all. I reminded her it annoys me as much when my in laws do it and she started saying "would you say this to your DH's parents?" But when I said "no, I'd expect my DH to talk to them about it because he's their son," she went on saying "but would he though?" This was in front of DH and she knows we have big issues about this. Every conversation with me putting my foot down as s parent she makes me feel as though I'm awful about it, I end up snapping because it's always shrugged off with a 'yes, yes, get over it' attitude.

Now I'm starting to think maybe I should let this and other instances slide? There was an awful atmosphere at dinner after and DM ended up saying if we were going to hang around at the table, she was ready to leave but we could stay. On one hand I do feel bad and want to say something but not sure what I should be apologising for.

  • Like Me and DH have an issue with DM sharing photos of DD and wanting to post them on Facebook when we've explicitly told her not to. When she found out I had on a couple of occasions (shared with only a very select few that I'd chosen), she started making comments about not being able to do it and then I found out she had been sending her photos to lots of people because she let slip.
OP posts:
randomsabreuse · 30/08/2018 08:48

With food allergies it's not just the chip it's what else is on the plate. DD has egg intolerance and we still are careful about cross contamination as we have had issues in the past.

HolidayHelpPlease · 30/08/2018 08:49

To all the people saying ‘it’s just a chip, who’s allergic to potatoes?’
Potatoes are coated in a flour to make them crispy. Can be wheat or rice flour, and can contain soy. They are also then deep fried. You don’t know if the fryer was exclusive or if they were frying alongside other items such as breaded cheeses, other veg etc
You also don’t know the oil they were cooked in (could be anything, even peanut), and the chips themselves can have may contain warning from the factory for literally anything. That’s at least 5 potential allergens on the chips off the top of my head!
No one should feed anything to an allergic child without double checking with the parents. Allergies are hard work, exhausting and bloody scary!

trojanpony · 30/08/2018 08:49

Like Me and DH have an issue with DM sharing photos of DD and wanting to post them on Facebook when we've explicitly told her not to. When she found out I had on a couple of occasions (shared with only a very select few that I'd chosen), she started making comments about not being able to do it and then I found out she had been sending her photos to lots of people because she let slip.

Did you post about the Facebook photos recently?

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 08:53

No one worried about allergies eats from a buffet this. If the chip "resting against" something is an issue, how do you know what it was resting against before you saw it?

HidingFromMyKids · 30/08/2018 08:55

I understand its not about the chip. Its the lack of respecting your wishes as the parent and then the innocent wide eyed look after you've brought it up.

However I am curious about the food allergies as my DD at 4 still can't tolerate a miniscule amount of the allergens so there is no way she could eat at a buffet with lack of ingredients and massive cross contamination. Unless you had brought a safe pack up like I have to and I've missed that part.

Iamnotacerealkiller · 30/08/2018 09:00

for those of you saying 'its just a chip' this is utter ignorance. chips are cooked in vats of oil and in most places the vats are not specialized so there is the potential for contamination from other food. many many restaurant chips also have a coating to make them crispy which can contain corn/flour so is a trigger for a gluten intolerance for example.

i also seriously doubt the dm thought 'well potato allergy is very rare so i will give her a chip'as that will be safe'. she just wanted to feed her something/undermine op and didn't think of the consequences. what if it was something that contained gluten or dairy?

Aprilshowersinaugust · 30/08/2018 09:00

No reason dd has to be with her unsupervised at all. Dc don't have to stay at dgm house.
My dm doesn't see her dgc at all partly due to her thinking she knew best for my dc.
Being a dgm is a privilege not a right.

Sounds like you are right to rant op.

phoebemac · 30/08/2018 09:01

Your baby doesn't have an allergy to chips does she? If she had your DH would have jumped in to stop DM giving it her.

This is a really good point, your DH was there so surely he would have stopped DM doing anything to endanger your DD? What is your DD allergic to?

I don't think this is about a chip, it's about your relationship with your DM.

strawberrisc · 30/08/2018 09:03

Just when I think I’ve learned all the acronyms. What is BLW?

Furiosa · 30/08/2018 09:05

I have a friend withe a dairy allergy who can't eat some brands of chips as they contain lactose.

Sorry to burst the ''It's only a chip'' idea.

Havaina · 30/08/2018 09:08

Strawberr - BLW is baby led weaning (baby feeds themselves rather than being spoon fed)

catherinedevalois · 30/08/2018 09:11

Well that was a pleasant meal! I'm surprised everyone stuck it out after the tirade. What was dh doing from the time the chip was administered, through the point about his parents 'getting away with it' until the relief of getting home? If he sat there nursing a beer then he doesn't support your style of parenting and you need to talk about a compromise. If he does support your style of parenting he needs to pull his parents up about it and also needed to have thrown himself in front of the offending chip.

Havaina · 30/08/2018 09:11

It sounds like OP's baby has one food allergy, not multiple.

We don't know if baby is allergic to potatoes/wheat/lactose, OP hasn't said.

If baby is allergic to above then DM was very lax and unreasonable but OP hasn't said. Baby may be allergic to strawberries or all we know.

LaurieMarlow · 30/08/2018 09:16

If you are that worried about the allergies OP, why on Earth are you feeding your baby from an open Buffett anyway?

This.

I get that your DM is annoying, mine did similar stuff to this. But you need to pick your battles.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 30/08/2018 09:17

Strawberr - BLW is baby led weaning (baby feeds themselves rather than being spoon fed)

What used to be called being given finger foods.

StepBackNow · 30/08/2018 09:19

I think you need to loosen your stays a bit, OP.

EssentialHummus · 30/08/2018 09:23

I agree with a PP on page 1 - this is nothing to do with the chip, it's to do with the mum routinely disregarding what OP wants wrt her daughter, and then acting all wide-eyed innocent about it. And I'd react the same as you, frankly.

GoatYoga · 30/08/2018 09:24

for those of you saying 'its just a chip' this is utter ignorance. chips are cooked in vats of oil and in most places the vats are not specialized so there is the potential for contamination from other food. many many restaurant chips also have a coating to make them crispy which can contain corn/flour so is a trigger for a gluten intolerance for example.

I think the point we are trying to make is that nothing is safe from a buffet for a person with an allergy - If the allergy was that severe then they wouldn't have been there in the first place.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/08/2018 09:24

I agree with Magair's post. A child isn't 'property' but if you treat them that way then don't be surprised if that's accepted and there's no further interest.

OP your first post was chock full of control and ownership and I wouldn't persevere for a close relationship with you. I'd try to have one with my grandchild but not with you hovering.

The allergies thing is bogus really because a grandparent would know what a child was allergic to, the same as the parent does, because an effective parent would share that information - best interests of the child and all that. There's a balance.

HarrietSchulenberg · 30/08/2018 09:25

What's the allergy, OP, and was it affected by the chip?

Ansumpasty · 30/08/2018 09:27

The op said the baby has a food allergy that they’re reintroducing. Can’t be a serious allergy otherwise they wouldn’t be introducing it and they wouldn’t be eating a buffet.
People forget and swap tongs etc- I doubt it’s a risk someone with a serious allergy like peanuts would take. Plus, you don’t reintroduce true allergies, do you? I could be wrong, I just only know of people with good allergies that can never be introduced

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/08/2018 09:27

GoatYoga Indeed they wouldn't.

But this is another hobbyhorse for some to challenge their parent/MIL's inadequate parenting with and a perfect opportunity to display their own.

Ansumpasty · 30/08/2018 09:27

Food *

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 09:32

OP did your DH get a bollocking for sitting back and watching your mum feed the chip then?

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2018 09:32

It does sound like you're petty and controlling. And as is the norm in threads like this, when people point it out the response is always "oh but usually it's so much worse"

What gran doesn't want to share photos of her grandkid. Your husband was there and had no issue with the child having a chip. Did you have a go at him too?

You clearly have significant issues with your mother which is making you behave terribly,. Try to seperate them from her role as a grandparent.