Re My DM and Chipgate?

[FuckUDailyMail]

We went out to dinner with my DM this evening, me thinking it will be nice for her to see her only DGC and catch up because she never visits us and we're always going to her home. It was a buffet due to her raging on about it but I thought it would be reasonably good for picking at bits for a child that's doing BLW.

DM has her food and and starts putting stuff aside for my DD to which I said, "Don't give any yet, I'll be back in a minute." I go to get a plate that me and DD can share and come back to see that DD has something around her mouth. I was a little worried about DD possibly having been sick as she has a food allergy and we're trying to reintroduce it. DM says "No, I gave her a chip."

At this point I got annoyed and told her that I'd specifically said not to give DD anything yet (DD wasn't in her high chair yet, had no bib on and has real form for smearing food everywhere of late when she was as tired as she was) and she needs to respect what I say as a parent. DM says "it's just a chip" and I remind her of instances where she has done this with other things* and continues to do so by making excuses like "Oh I did it but I only did it X amount of times" or "on X occasion but not usually". She will downplay any circumstance she has defied my wishes but continue to tell me about it as if it's to make a point. Whilst I'm glad I know because I'd be angrier if she lied, I'd rather she doesn't do it at all. I reminded her it annoys me as much when my in laws do it and she started saying "would you say this to your DH's parents?" But when I said "no, I'd expect my DH to talk to them about it because he's their son," she went on saying "but would he though?" This was in front of DH and she knows we have big issues about this. Every conversation with me putting my foot down as s parent she makes me feel as though I'm awful about it, I end up snapping because it's always shrugged off with a 'yes, yes, get over it' attitude.

Now I'm starting to think maybe I should let this and other instances slide? There was an awful atmosphere at dinner after and DM ended up saying if we were going to hang around at the table, she was ready to leave but we could stay. On one hand I do feel bad and want to say something but not sure what I should be apologising for.

• Like Me and DH have an issue with DM sharing photos of DD and wanting to post them on Facebook when we've explicitly told her not to. When she found out I had on a couple of occasions (shared with only a very select few that I'd chosen), she started making comments about not being able to do it and then I found out she had been sending her photos to lots of people because she let slip.

If you are so uptight about anyone except you feeding your daughter surely it would be better to stay in and cook meals yourself until it's sorted out? Cheaper too.

It's quite interesting OP that you've stated your DM 'never visits' you.

Perhaps you need to ask yourself why that is?

You do come across as hugely uptight and very controlling I'm afraid.

Yesterday my child had TWO Kinder Eggs

Oh dear god the horror!!!!!

You're catastrophising wildly eg the chip will get smeared and it will be a disaster. In reality, if clothes get dirty, you wash them. If chip gets on the table, you wipe it.
If you have a myriad of petty rules for people who interact with your DD, people will not be able to tell which rules are actually important.
Having a child is a long lesson in letting go. You need to relax. You can't maintain a life at this level of anxiety and it will start to negatively impact your DC. Have you spoken to your HV or GP about how you feel?

Yesterday my child had TWO Kinder Eggs

OMG!!!!!!!!

Did you induce vomiting or just call an ambulance?

Haha Sweatyfretty- great minds and all that!
I hadn't seen your post when I posted.

I think your being a bit overly precious and have exactly the attitude that leads to food problems. You were concerned it was on her face as “ she has form for this”.Well in my experience all toddlers have form for this. It’s normal and how they learn to eat properly. A bit isn’t essential to eating habits and a dress washes just as easily as a bib. It was only a chip and you overreacted enormously.

Quite apart from the chip issue which is clearly ridiculous, why are you so precious about pictures? Do you think your child's soul will be stolen? There's a reason why there used to be those twee little albums called "Grandma's Boasting Book". It's what grandparents do - the minute you say you have a grandchild, the other person immediately asks to see a picture.

Loosen up, OP, you and everyone else will be happier.

OP please re-read your post and understand that you are being ridiculous, and learn to loosen up. I feel sorry for your baby, can't imagine the level of micro management they will experience as a toddler

YANBU

Yes, a chip's just a chip, but this isn't about chips. It's about GPs not respecting your parenting. You were very clear, and your DM ignored it.

Well that sounds like a fun meal! You parent differently from your mum - neither of you will get it 100% right.

I'd suggest a few rules which are absolute red lines and let the rest (bibs, mess, etc) slide. Talk to her sensibly and say again what you've said here - acknowledge if you can she did an ok job with you (if she did!) but it's your turn now, no back seat driving.

It wasn't clear from your op what your child is allergic to - if it is chip related (meaning cooking oil etc etc) your husband should have stepped in immediately and he's a knob for just sitting there.

Nor is it clear whether she's shared photos on FB or by email or whatever. I'd didn't love the GP sending photos all over but I did recognise that it wasn't the hill to die on.

Parenting is a long old hike.what seems really really important at one stage will seem incredibly insignificant a few weeks/months/year's later - pick your battles.

Unless your DD is allergic to chips YABU. And YABVU about Facebook photos, why can you post them but not you’re DM? That’s really petty. Sounds like you’re a bit PFB and need to lighten up. Feel sorry for your DM she just wants to be a doting GM.

I never understand the parents who wont let anyone post photos of their children on their facebook.

I've had a child with restrictive multiple allergies, and the phasing in stage can be awkward for people to grasp because it can seem inconsistent that they can have cheese but not ice cream for example.
Being concerned that a child is potentially being fed an allergen without supervision is reasonable. Saying that, at a buffet, anything could be cross contaminated anyway. The chips are likely to be just a deep fried potato, potentially with traces of gluten/ milk/ egg from other foods fried in the oil. At a re-introduction stage that should be low risk as the proportion is low and proteins are altered by the high temperatures.

However mixing up allergen concerns with micromanagement over high chairs and smeared faces mixes legitimate concerns up with the trivial and reduces the whole lot to trivial.

For some people there are legitimate child protection concerns over sharing images of children which doesn't seem to be the case here. So it's a fairly minor parenting preference.

The tone of the OP is quite controlling and micromanaging. The OP may be like that because her DM is and DM is "just" asserting herself over OP, or DM might "just" be trying to get on with being a grandparent. There's not enough information here to call on how unreasonable anyone is being in the big picture.

If the baby’s dad was sitting there while the grandparent gave the chip and he didn’t jump in then I would say you are being a little unreasonable. Your mum is excited to give the baby some food and the baby was probably moaning for it.

It was a chip. Is the child allergic to chips? Of course not. This was a power battle and you brought up all the other grievances. Choose your battles, there are a few about photos lately. This is a new one. To me it is reasonable to ask not to post on social media, but tricky if you post them yourself. In Italy, it is illegal to post a picture of a child under the age of consent. Think about what you are asking, is it reasonable? I don't think the food one is, but I wont go into allergies. It is reasonable to ask them not to give sugar or salt. Manage your meetings if you can't be civil. You need to think about your relationship with your mother

Grandparents should follow the rules set by the parents if they want a meaningful relationship. It’s not difficult. It’s not “just a chip”. It’s disrespectful and goady to give a child food when you were told quite clearly not to. YANBU.

You know she does this stuff all the time and can't be arsed to visit. Why are you leaving yourself open to it then getting angry? Don't give her the opportunity in the first place.

Rabbits, So that the hapless other parent/MIL/grandparent can be chastised and Put-In-Their-Place, of course. What other reason would a parent keep putting the blocks in place for a 'disaster'?

I honestly think this is why some women actually have children when I read these boards. Or if not the actual reason, a definite perk.

I agree with Rabbits.

@Godowneasy @SweatyFretty

Let me introduce you to SARCASM and Diabetes

ChipsNotDaddy Because I seriously question my DM's judgement and that's based on my own childhood, I'm not saying it for the fun of it. Although, many people's adult family members don't like their photos shared on social media without their consent anyway so why should my request as DD's mother be ignored?

I think I did overreact as I did have a chip on my shoulder but as my DH has said DM did not listen and makes a habit out of ignoring our requests, thinking her as a GM and being my mother trumps our parental decision-making. Many people have called her controlling, at least twice to her face that i have been witness to (both times not nastily but said with genuine concern) and I think what has resulted is a struggle that we shouldn't be having. Yes, she also doesn't understand my DD's allergies and cross contamination which she showed during that meal when she tried to feed her something she shouldn't have had.

Thanks for the responses though, I think picking my battles and LC are the way forward.

@FuckUDailyMail If your husband was there at the table, why didn't he stop her giving the chip?

It was just a chip ...