Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re My DM and Chipgate?

104 replies

FuckUDailyMail · 30/08/2018 00:30

We went out to dinner with my DM this evening, me thinking it will be nice for her to see her only DGC and catch up because she never visits us and we're always going to her home. It was a buffet due to her raging on about it but I thought it would be reasonably good for picking at bits for a child that's doing BLW.

DM has her food and and starts putting stuff aside for my DD to which I said, "Don't give any yet, I'll be back in a minute." I go to get a plate that me and DD can share and come back to see that DD has something around her mouth. I was a little worried about DD possibly having been sick as she has a food allergy and we're trying to reintroduce it. DM says "No, I gave her a chip."

At this point I got annoyed and told her that I'd specifically said not to give DD anything yet (DD wasn't in her high chair yet, had no bib on and has real form for smearing food everywhere of late when she was as tired as she was) and she needs to respect what I say as a parent. DM says "it's just a chip" and I remind her of instances where she has done this with other things* and continues to do so by making excuses like "Oh I did it but I only did it X amount of times" or "on X occasion but not usually". She will downplay any circumstance she has defied my wishes but continue to tell me about it as if it's to make a point. Whilst I'm glad I know because I'd be angrier if she lied, I'd rather she doesn't do it at all. I reminded her it annoys me as much when my in laws do it and she started saying "would you say this to your DH's parents?" But when I said "no, I'd expect my DH to talk to them about it because he's their son," she went on saying "but would he though?" This was in front of DH and she knows we have big issues about this. Every conversation with me putting my foot down as s parent she makes me feel as though I'm awful about it, I end up snapping because it's always shrugged off with a 'yes, yes, get over it' attitude.

Now I'm starting to think maybe I should let this and other instances slide? There was an awful atmosphere at dinner after and DM ended up saying if we were going to hang around at the table, she was ready to leave but we could stay. On one hand I do feel bad and want to say something but not sure what I should be apologising for.

  • Like Me and DH have an issue with DM sharing photos of DD and wanting to post them on Facebook when we've explicitly told her not to. When she found out I had on a couple of occasions (shared with only a very select few that I'd chosen), she started making comments about not being able to do it and then I found out she had been sending her photos to lots of people because she let slip.
OP posts:
TidyDancer · 30/08/2018 06:47

Agree with @Magair tbh. Sounds like you used this as an excuse to have a go.

Twotailed · 30/08/2018 06:49

This sounds like a lot of drama for the sake of a chip. I understand where you’re coming from but I think you would relax more and have a better time if you let these things slide unless they’re actually dangerous or really bad for your baby.

Havaina · 30/08/2018 07:11

Is this really about Chipgate or is this about DM never visiting you at your house?

Does she say why she won't visit you? Are you expected to visit her or is she not fussed?

Is she one of those grandparents who want to take lots of pics to show to others what an involved granny she is?

Or are the rules about what she can and can't do quite strict at your home hence why she doesn't visit?

AnnieAnoniMoose · 30/08/2018 07:12

It’s not about the chip.

It’s about constantly disregarding your right as a parent to make decisions about/for YOUR DD, undermining & criticising you. It’s important to nip this in the bud before DD gets any older.

You’re in control here, she doesn’t visit you, so just stop visiting her. Eventually she’ll ask why and you can say because you’re tired of her not listening to you, undermine & criticising you and making pointed comments about things you’ve confided in her about. Then don’t say anything, let her fill in the uncomfortable silence. If she apologises, fine, if she starts moaning or telling you you’re wrong, then simply say ‘Mum, this is exactly why I haven’t been to visit, speak to you later, I’m going now’ And hang up.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2018 07:12

Bollocks to "just a chip" - chips in certain places now have wheatflour coverings on them to make them "extra crispy" and remove them from the diets of people who have wheat or gluten intolerances. Chips used to be "just chips" but not any more!

But that's all an aside. She ignored your direct instructions and failed to respect your wishes because she doesn't respect YOU. She wants to do what she wants to do and she's not going to let you stop her.

Bit like the grandparents who fed a 3yo child a walnut whip when the parents were out of the room because they "didn't believe in" her walnut allergy - that led to a hospital visit. But it was "only a walnut whip" - doesn't fucking MATTER, if there are allergies involved!

And it STILL boils down to total lack of respect for what you say.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 07:16

You sound like a nightmare OP.

Your baby doesn't have an allergy to chips does she? If she had your DH would have jumped in to stop DM giving it her.

GoatYoga · 30/08/2018 07:19

Does your child have a potato allergy? If not then it sounds like an overreaction on your part.

As an aside the people I know with life threatening allergies tend to avoid buffet type restaurants because of the risk of cross-contamination.

QueenOfCatan · 30/08/2018 07:23

I get where you're coming from OP. It's not "just a chip", it's yet another time where she wants to make a point about how your decisions as a parent aren't important and that she has no respect for you as a parent. If you haven't experienced it it seems like something minor but when everything is considered together it's another fucking dig and it's exhausting.

We have a child with allergies too and this kind of behaviour culminated in MIL giving our milk allergic toddler a fucking quaver at the park over the summer despite our only rule being "do not feed the child". She's now in a massive sulk two months later and still hasn't actually apologised for it, just made many excuses. For me it was the straw that broke the camels back and I did snap at her as she was getting in my face about it too.

You also need to start stepping in with the in laws. I've left it to DH and he's also not dealing with it effectively and the stepping all over us has continued, deal with it from both sides or you'll find yourself seething whenever you see them.

Ceecee18 · 30/08/2018 07:26

It's obvious it's not about the chip OP, it's about her constantly undermining you. My mom was the same, constantly trying to get things with DD done her way, trying to give her bits of food at 4 months (despite me explaining we were waiting until 6ms), trying to get me to put her to sleep on her side, it was exhausting to be around her. And I don't trust her to babysit. You need to have a chat with her and nip this in the bud, as your DD gets older it'll just become about bigger things.

Grandparents aren't your minions, they build their own relationships with their grandchildren. Stop trying to manage that.
But the grandparents should have enough respect for the parents to listen to what they say in regards to their children. They've already had their go at parenting.

NordicNobody · 30/08/2018 07:26

I'm with you OP, it's always "just" something with people who don't respect your choices. "Just a chip", "just a joke", just just just. And it's small and you feel petty so you let is go. But then where does it end? If she's babysitting and you say no to smacking will she give her "just a tap"? If you're militant about car seat use will she "forget" but it's ok because it's "just around the corner"? Would she pop out "just for a few minutes" and leave your child unattended. It's not about the chip, it's about her undermining you and proving you can't trust her. My father does exactly the same, and now if he asks for alone time with my son I say quite bluntly "no, because you've proven I can't trust you to respect my wishes". That's how it is. You want to be a disrespectful dick? You lose the right to unsupervised time with my child.

longwayoff · 30/08/2018 07:26

Remind me to ask you to dinner. Choose your battles, this is ridiculous.

Amanduh · 30/08/2018 07:28

Maybe she ‘undermines’ you because you’re obsessively controlling. Sending photos to people and gave your daughter a chip? Yab ridiculous

emelsie · 30/08/2018 07:33

You do sound like a bit of a control freak

CantankerousCamel · 30/08/2018 07:35

I would never leave a child without food (that I had approved of) with an adult who had received their food.

I might say ‘only give DD this or this from your plate ma’ and then run off but the kid was probably hungry and going for stuff. Do you want a temper tantrum or one less chip in the world?

Sorry but I just think you’ve completely overreacted to nothing here and been pretty damn cruel to your mother.

safetyfreak · 30/08/2018 08:00

You totally overreacted and you sound like a precious parent, also having a go because your mum wanted to share pictures of her to people she knows.

This is a pretty common thing to do, want to show off your grandchild so why is she not allowed to show friends etc pictures of her grandchild?

What is so special about your daughter that no one can see her apart from the few people YOU pick? who does that anyway, seriously...

Maybe she doesnt want to go to your house as she feels uncomfortable there and feels she can do no right? You sound like an control freak. I hope your daughter a bit kinder to you one day when your an doting gran.

Theresnodisneyending · 30/08/2018 08:00

My DM is like this. Fucking overrides my parenting all the time. I can't confront/discuss like an adult about it as she starts to deliberately sniff very loudly then will start crying like a child, and then shouts that "I'm having a really hard time right now!!". All I can say is something like "mum, I said no", and she'll start to fucking cry/tell be not to 'pick' on her.

It's ended up that I no longer take the children round to her much (she lives a long distance away, but anyway) nor facetime her much anymore as I can't stand having my authority as a parent condescendingly overridden just because she thinks she knows better than me.

Theresnodisneyending · 30/08/2018 08:02

To the other posters who just don't get it - it's not about one fucking chip. It's death by a thousand cuts.

Powerless · 30/08/2018 08:26

This is my mother in a nutshell.

Yesterday my child had TWO Kinder Eggs

Powerless · 30/08/2018 08:27

OP I'm TOTALLY with you on this xx Thanks

Powerless · 30/08/2018 08:28

I'm with you OP, it's always "just" something with people who don't respect your choices. "Just a chip", "just a joke", just just just. And it's small and you feel petty so you let is go. But then where does it end?

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 30/08/2018 08:34

Well said safetyfreak

JiltedJohnsJulie · 30/08/2018 08:37

If you are that worried about the allergies OP, why on Earth are you feeding your baby from an open Buffett anyway?

Bestseller · 30/08/2018 08:42

The chip thing is ridiculous, FB bit more understandable.

If you can be this controlling and behave this badly in a restaurant, you can in public, I'm not surprised DM doesn't visit your home.

LittleCandle · 30/08/2018 08:42

Yes, it was just a chip, but what people often don't realise about food allergies, the child might be ok with the chip, but what about the food the chip is resting against? I had a similar issue with MIL, who always wanted to give DD1 something from her plate if we were out for a meal. She always ate fish and chips when out (long backstory, but MIL was rather odd) and DD1 is allergic to fish. She couldn't understand that because the chips were on the same plate as the fish, and she had been touching the chips with the same knife and fork that touched the fish, DD1 couldn't have it!

If the child in question here did not have allergies, I would say the OP is being precious. But because I have experience of my child almost dying from eating something that had been fine on first try, I think OP was quite right. And my XH was fucking useless about her allergies, and never bothered. He wanted to give her Smarties on Christmas Day 'because its Christmas' and was always put out when I said no, as they would kill her on Christmas Day, the same as every other day in the year.

Ansumpasty · 30/08/2018 08:44

Unless your child has a potato allergy then you need to stop being so uptight. She didn’t have a bib on-not the end of the world.

Life is short. One day your mum will be gone and you will pass this restaurant and think, ‘remember that time I completely ruined the night because my mum gave my child a chip?’

Swipe left for the next trending thread