To think you have no idea how hard it is being a parent until you become one

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Just that really I know for some people this won't be the case. But most new mothers I know well enough to speak to about it have agreed it was a complete shock how hard it actually is. I often think people get accused of scare mongering when they try to warn expectant mothers. I probably thought this abit myself before I had DD.
Have to add I love my DD more than anything. I'm not saying this because I regret her in any way. But looking back I do feel like I genuinely went into shock when I had her. Afew people told me it is hard but I was completely unprepared for how hard it was especially at the start.

Recently had a discussion with my sil who doesn't have children. She works 50hrs a week and apparently nobody is as tired as her and my life is a breeze because I only work 30 hrs. I tried to explain how she only has herself and dh to think about. I just couldn't get her to understand the emotional and organisational energy is takes to have 3 teenagers. We agreed to disagree

I moved in with my girlfriend and her two little girls (then 2 & 6, now 4 & 8) two years ago.

I did and still do my best to split the work. Obviously emotionally it was a few months before I could really 'fill in' with the little one, but in terms of the housework, packed lunches, all the day to day stuff.

And yes, my girlfriend was and is grateful, but those things were NOTHING compared to the utter newfound joy she felt at having someone to distract them so she could actually get FIVE WHOLE MINUTES to pop to the toilet and pee in peace without being disturbed

Apparently her ex would just tell them to go into the toilet and ask her if they wanted anything whilst she was peeing...

She's currently pregnant with no. 3, so I'll get to fill in the missing part of the experience and see what those sleepless newborn nights are like....

I think newborn stage becomes easier - in comparison to later stages! But at the time with the first (and in my case only I couldn't have any more) it seems tough.

Everyone has a stage they find the most difficult, mine was approx age 7-9, that was partly down to issues dd had with a teacher (who was a bullying cow!) around this point too though.

Travelledtheworld so sorry for your loss

Aftereights - dd needed a small procedure when in scbu, the scream when the cannula for the anaesthetic was being sited made me nearly pull the anaesthetist away! Exh had to physically hold me back! it was a visceral instinctive reaction!

Effyouseekaye (other usernames are so much cleverer than mine 😂)
I remember having a conversation with a friend similar to Ross in friends "I knew I was having a baby I didn't realise the baby was having me!" Moment - about a month before the birth having the ridiculous 'realisation' of 'oh shit! I'm gonna have to be someone's mum! I hadn't thought past dealing with pregnancy/birth there's an actual baby in there!' She had 4 and found it hilarious! Not in a mean way but 'yep wondered when you'd hit that point' 😂😂

JillCrewesMum - often we don't know if we have a sick/disabled child until years later but it still affects our and their lives. Dd wasn't Dx until high school (MANY years of trips to gp with what we now know were CLEAR indications but we were fobbed off, I initially thought dd was a combination of unlucky/clumsy).

SerenDippitty - I had 2 mc before dd, wasn't able to have more after, am very grateful I have her. I've friends who haven't been able to have DC or who went through years of fertility issues first, plus a few who are publicly 'child free by choice' but made the choice for deeply personal traumatic reasons. It's an awful comment to make and not one I'd ever make but I've been there when others have made such comments and winced (and in some cases jumped in to tell 'em to wind their neck in!). I'm very sorry for the pain of fertility issues it seems you are experiencing.

An MBA is a damn sight easier than 2DC with an ASD/ADD and anxiety diagnosis. Third DC is a darling but hard work because of her age.

An MBA is two years and you are done. DH did his in 3 because he was PT and worked throughout. I work FT and welcome the break from parenting. I'm a better mother for working.

I've had to really fight hard to keep my career. I was laid off when my eldest was 9 months old. The sexist bastards are the ones who have missed out. Even now as a CFO of a small business I'm under immense pressure from DHs employer to stop working. I'm the anomaly in terms of income and promotions when it comes to parenthood. In 7 years since becoming a mother I've tripled my income.

Parenting properly is very hard, much harder than anything else I've done.

I agree with people who said we are warned but until you experience it you have no idea what it actually means. I remember thinking that sleepless nights would be hard but nothing more difficult than the all nighters I pulled when at uni. And then I had a baby who woke every 45 minutes 3 weeks in a row before settling down to a staggering 2 hours in a row! And i thought I was going to die. I'm genuinely thinking about not having another baby because people say the second is harder to adjust to and I struggled so much with my first even though she's actually a very counter baby and I dodged colic and things that can make it harder.

Contented not counter

@Graphista I am sorry for your losses, glad you have your DD, and thank you

I listened to everyone who said how hard it was. As a result (so far) it is way way easier than I expected. But DD is still very young and I'm fully expecting it to get more difficult

I adopted my DDs so my story is a bit different, but yes, I identify with a lot of what you're all saying. It is exhausting: we had a 1 year old coming to live with us so we didn't have the sleep deprivation to the extent that you've had with newborns (although DD2 has always had more sleep issues so we haven't entirely escaped this!).

The thing with adopting is that you've spent so long fighting to have a child (we went through infertility first), and convincing Social Services that you can be trusted to be parents, that when the reality happens, you can find yourself exhausted and overwhelmed. But you don't feel able to express this as you're still under the microscope until the Adoption Order is granted.

You certainly are warned that it will be hard, SS rightly prepare you for that, but I think the reality is that you can't know what being a parent is like until you are one.

I thought it would be much harder and less enjoyable. My friends with kids moaned non stop. Now I find it's loads of fun and nowhere near as hard as they said.

SerenDippitty - thank you.

Lizzie - adopting is not something I have personal experience of but I have relatives who've adopted. From that perspective I think it's probably that adoption is just as hard but partly for different reasons. Congratulations to you on becoming a mum

FaerieQueen - yes for all our moaning there's loads of good stuff too EVEN in the teen years 😂 else why would we do it? But...that's a different thread.

Honestly, it’s threads like this that make me question whether I actually want to have children.

Angelo I hope it doesn't put you off entirely, if the title had been about the wonderful aspects of parenthood people would be quick to fill it. The way I see it is for me personally the baby stage is more hard work than actual fun. But that in these first years I'm laying the groundwork for fun (and more hard work!) for the future. I personally qm looking forwarf to the teenage years as my mum said tjat was the part she found best as in between the strops she saw me develop into a woman and began to see me as an adult with independence rather than a helpless child. Like anything where you're thrown in at the deep end I imagine it starts off incredibly hard and then either gets easier or you develop more strategies and get more rewards back that make it worthwhile.

Teenagers are harder than babies.

Mine didn't sleep for 2 years. It felt like I have lost my mind. Can't imagine anything being harder than that...Have a teenage SD and the teenage drama/arguments/selfishness is nothing compared to the never ending sleep depravation that makes you want to die...

You can deal with A LOT when you are rested..

You could say that about anything though. You have no idea how hard commuting and full time work is until you experience it. You have no idea what bereavement feels like until you experience it. You have no idea how hard involuntary childlessness is unless you've been there. You have NP idea what it's like to be diagnosed with cancer unless its happened to you.

There are lots of things in life that have to be experienced to be fully understood.

I underestimated how much sleep deprivation would affect me, I found the newborn stage easy but as the lack of sleep accumulated I paid for it. I've had bad insomnia off and on for years but that is nothing compared to almost 2 years with not a single full nights sleep. I feel like I've gone a little insane and dropped about 100 IQ points since having DD. I love her more than anything but we are not having anymore DC, I couldn't do it again

Not at all, I was a very confident expert in all aspects of parenting before I had kids.

Luckily, I had boundless energy and hubris to share my pears of wisdom to all and sundry before I was too knackered by actually having kids to remember my own name.

Gina ford is a prime example of the woman I was!

It is a big shock, was for me, but I don’t think anyone can know what it’s like unless you’re actually a parent.
I had quite an unsettled first baby though, if my 2nd has been my first it would’ve been less of a shock/immediate life change. Weirdly at about a year or so first became easy and second became toddler from hell!!

The amount of people that warned me how hard it would be was incredible. It filled me with worry that I’d made a terrible mistake and had ruined my life when they gleefully told me I’d never sleep again, never be able to take a shower, drink a hot cup of tea etc. I actually found it a lot easier than anticipated. I have a very easy baby who has always slept well and is very chilled out. I wish people hadn’t warned me so much when I was pregnant as it put a real downer on the pregnancy.

I really don’t find it hard at all but maybe it will be when he gets older? I just look at him and can hardly bear how much I love him! It’s insane!

I wish people hadn’t warned me so much when I was pregnant as it put a real downer on the pregnancy.

I suppose it depends on your personality - I haven't found it as bad as people say (though I have found it tough at times), but I think it's helped a lot that I had low expectations! For instance, he slept for 4.5 hours in a row last night and I am ELATED because I was fully expecting not a single respite from the 2 hour wake-ups for months. However, a pregnant friend told me the other day that 'on average they sleep through at 8 or 9 weeks' which made me a) want to laugh and b) think she might be in for a disappointment unless she gets very lucky! (I was also a bit annoyed because she strongly implied that I had done something wrong with my seven week old's sleep!)

For me talking to DM helped as it turns out I had exactly the same temperament as DD. I was worried she was going to harm herself not sleeping 14 hours a day.

Still not sure about second baby. My DM admitted you do inevitably have to leave babies to cry for long periods when you have a toddler, I appreciated her honesty more than all those well meaning comments about how second babies are always magically easier.