To think you have no idea how hard it is being a parent until you become one

[curlywurly4857483]

Just that really I know for some people this won't be the case. But most new mothers I know well enough to speak to about it have agreed it was a complete shock how hard it actually is. I often think people get accused of scare mongering when they try to warn expectant mothers. I probably thought this abit myself before I had DD.
Have to add I love my DD more than anything. I'm not saying this because I regret her in any way. But looking back I do feel like I genuinely went into shock when I had her. Afew people told me it is hard but I was completely unprepared for how hard it was especially at the start.

Yes I don't believe anyone can know how hard it is. You can say it but there's no way that that person can get every single little thing that changes and in what way it affects you till it happens to them. It's one of those things that you have to find out for yourself

You are all wording/explaining it so much better than me. I agree I don't think I listened when it was said or maybe it just isn't possible to truly understand until it happens.

Yanbu

It’s so hard. No one warned me. But I doubt I’d have believed them if they had.

I had a much much littler brother and sister, so while I had not experienced at first hand what was required I had seen my mum shackled to them for years on end. That's what it looked like from the outside, like being shackled to a kind of dead weight just dragging you down. It took me a long time to decide to have a baby myself as I was old enough to realise when watching my mother just how hard it was. I found it surprisingly easy. I think my expectations were low!

I think in our society, we rarely watch while someone else raises a baby because we live in small nuclear family bubbles and don't see what it takes.

The practical stuff was easy. I had seen it and done it years before. The drudgery was relatively easy, if tiring. I'd changed nappies and rocked babies to sleep and been woken up in the night repeatedly and given bottles and coaxed a child to try just a little and had the stupid arguments about what colour socks etc so many times that it was kind of second nature (and I swerved most of the arguments with a bit of experience).

The anxiety was something else! I had no idea that happened at all. Absolutely mindblowing.

@RedLemonade - that's exactly my experience. And what I try to 'warn' people about - that the love is so intense its almost like pain. I really thought I knew love but I didn't, not like this.

I never realised how much alone, quiet time I needed because I naturally got enough.

The loss of independence is tough, that you can't just pop out for 15 minutes for a minor errand.

I remember a friend with her then toddler commenting about having to adjust to the child's pace. Several years later I found myself agreeing as it took half an hour to shuffle 400m at tired two year old pace.

I'd be tempted to upgrade a few features, but I certainly wouldn't send them back for a refund

I think the opposite actually, everywhere I hear (social media, friends, family) it is how hard parenting is, how exhausting, full on it is. But it is like anything, you can imagine how hard something is but until you are living it you can never be prepared.

Reminds me of when my younger sister said in her pregnancy that she was totally ready as she had "helped" with mine so knew all about babies....

The loss of independence is tough, that you can't just pop out for 15 minutes for a minor errand

I really miss being able to nip anywhere. I’m sure the teenage years will be hell but I least I will be able to nip out for a pint of milk easily.

What drives me mad is that my two are very shy. So most people think they are quite and well behaved. The little monkeys save it all up for when we get home.

Babies are exhausting. Exhaustion aside though, I didn’t find babies too hard. I have a teenager now. That is a whole different level of hard....

I had two friends that had kids quite young at around the same time. It was eye opening to say the very least.

Just the level of "work" of it all, exactly like a job, but you never get paid and no breaks

It totally shattered my illusions of beautiful clean biddable children and days full of laughter and love because of course I knew everything I wouldn't be doing so my children would be perfect.

One of my two friends really struggled and the less said about her sad story the better the other absolutely rocked it as a Mum and yet she still became overwhelmed at times.

It certainly was a cautionary tale for me and I put off having kids til it was right. I still don't know when if ever that time will come but the rose tinted spectacles are definitely off.

Is it partly such a shock because we women are finally getting a taste of autonomy (at least in my generation), of success in the wide world, travel, romance, of freedom and rights and equality? You get a bit used to being that person. Then you have a baby.

All those things are impossible for the first months of child rearing. There’s no logic, certainty, your experience counts for nothing, your job is soooo boring and monotonous. It’s ‘never about you’, there’s never a break or a reward. No wonder it’s a shock!

Is it possible that previous generations of women (and elsewhere in the world even today) had such low expectations of what their lives would be like that baby care just didn’t seem so hard? That a bit more or less drudgery wasn’t such a big thing? That a chubby, gurgling baby actually was at least some kind of ‘success’ and ‘fun’ in their day?

My idea of ‘fun’ and ‘success’ are very very different, because of my path through life and the workforce. And baby care ain’t it.

I’m fascinated by this topic, and I’m increasingly sure that it isn’t that babies are getting harder, it’s that life for (urban, western) childless women has gotten so much better!

I think that's really true @Skittlesandbeer right up til even as far as the 80s as a woman you had two jobs

Get someone to marry you
Be a good housewife and have a baby

By doing this you had succeeded in life, and that success was based upon how well your husband was doing

The film Mona Lisa Smile illustrates this really well. Julia Stiles character gets an offer from a prestigious uni, Yale I think, and turns it down in favour of marriage and motherhood

Her fiancé speaks about how he will boast that HIS wife was CLEVER ENOUGH for Yale which just about sums it up. The last 40 years have been massive for women, but the lie is that you can have it all because you really can't. A man can, but for a woman somethings got to give.

The Twitter account Man Who Has It All is really amusing in this respect

It's more isolated these days. In the early days I could have days of no adult conversation until DH got back from work, or worse, none if he was away.

I did baby groups, but at many of them people just turned up in exclusive packs and it was impossible to start conversation. That was the most crushing kind of loneliness.

Most people would have had local family, close neighbours and friends with children.

I found my PT days didn't work around other peoples', and other friends didn't have babies well syncronised around mine

These days, a daily school run at least grounds me a bit with society a couple of times a day, and I get real me time in the middle

DustyMaiden

I found it really easy except for the anxiety

The anxiety is fucking dreadful so i am guessing you found it pretty difficult!

In the sense that you don't know what anything is like until you do, yes. And in the sense you don't know the future - eg, a divorce or GP death could make it harder. Also in the sense that each dc is different, so even if you are a mum of 3, you don't know what dc4 will be like.

YABU to think no one told you. That's literally all people tell you! I only once read a thread on here in which someone said they liked parenting - I was shocked, as I had never heard or read anything like this.

With dc1 i found it much easier than i expected- mat leave genuinely felt like a year off. I stupidly put it down to my natural maternal skills. Then dc2 arrived and it us SO much harder than i expected. I feel just about broken with sleep deprivation and e everything is so much more challenging- I'm hanging on by my fingernails if that. So much depends on the temperament of your children and external factors like family support, good partner etc

And on mn everyone tells you, but i didn't come on here until i already had dc and by then it was too late!!

I didn’t have any anxiety, and now I’m feeling quite anxious that maybe I don’t love my kids enough ;-)

I was however completely floored by the never getting a second to yourself and not being able to control anything about your day aspect. I don’t think you can be fully prepared for how that feels until you have been through it.

I think the more selfish you are the harder it is. As a single parent also think a relationship makes being a mother harder as there are just pressures from another source. When the child is your everything its easier

True - to a point.

Maybe not so much 'hard' but how much it changes you.

But that's true of many life experiences.

We don't really know what it's like to be a driver, have a full time job, be responsible for a home until we're actually doing it.

I felt similarly about being a nurse. The first time there was an emergency situation I had to deal with post training it was (in my head) like "fuck! I'm the one that's gotta deal with this!" You know like those memes "I need an adultier adult please! I'm not ready for this adulting!"

When I had dd even though it was emcs, she was in scbu initially etc it was after exh had gone back to work and I had to go out of the flat with dd ON MY OWN to do an errand, that involved crossing a dual carriageway. I was shaking! But it had to be done, I was her mum I couldn't not do the errand so...

I think many parents experience similar, especially again when there's emergencies. Her first asthma attack I dealt with fine, but the eve after once she was in bed and the panic was over, I sat on the sofa and just burst into tears!

I too had to not only stop watching the news for a while immediately after having dd, but certain adverts! Any for charities or involving babies, ugh I'd be a total mess!

Also - I have to say - the never properly sleeping deeply EVER again. I asked my mum when I was pregnant when you start sleeping 'properly' again - she was 53, I was 28, bro 26 and sis 22 at the time - she said 'I'll let you know' 😉😱

Dd is now 17 and I can attest I still have half an ear out, half an eye open at all times. Even when she's not home.

A pp said 'watch out for teen stage' I was not prepared to have at THREE a skilled and completely inflexible debater! Tantrums I expected, confusion, questions ... But omg one time she tied me in knots over whether it was bedtime or not seeing as it was still light!!

I had been a nanny before having dd, so kinda thought I knew most of it (ha!) what I really was unprepared for was dd doing it her way RIGHT from the beginning. I thought I was clever 'deciding' to be a laid back mum who wouldn't be led by routine etc and ended up with a child that INSTANTLY craved a routine (woe betide me if a nap or a feed was even a few minutes late), also for how independent dd would be. She was wanting and capable of doing things for herself way before I was ready for her to - drove us both nuts! Early walker, early talker, first word 'no' 🙄 2nd word 'don't! No was to a food she didn't want to eat, don't was to tell me not to do a thing with a toy she wanted to do it herself!

Glaciferous - my mums the eldest of 6, she initially didn't want to be a mum at all. Having seen how hard her mum had it (more than 6 pregnancies too so the heartache that comes with losing babies too was something she wanted to avoid). I was an accident and my parents are Catholic so...shotgun wedding put paid to that idea! But she had it easier than my gran for many reasons among them the nhs, changes to maternity laws, mod cons...

Delilah - apparently there's a saying something like "perfect parents are the ones who haven't had kids just yet"!

Yes to the loss of independence too. Exh was sent on deployment when dd was about 4 months old, simple things like not being able to pop n get milk for a cuppa cos baby was down for the night - argh! (Did I mention what a stickler for routine she was?)

I think it depends on the baby, DC1 was a dream - still is 9 years later.

Until I had DC2 I thought everyone complaining was doing something wrong

Everyone says how hard it is though. There are so many memes, articles, books and threads on here about how hard parenting is. People just don't believe it.

^
This, really.

Or people don't read MN. And I always think people overestimate how hard stuff is... Oh, an MBA? Well easy. Uh... No.

Same with parenting.

Delph - yes my sister thought she was miss 'perfect mum' as her first two seemed such a breeze - then she had dc3!! Fractious, poor sleeper and COMPLETELY fearless! (Bit like my bro there, I don't know how my mum copes!) full pelt running, climbing, jumping off high objects, swinging off the bloody chandeliers! And stubborn! Totally does it their own way which is usually in direct contradiction to what needs to be done. Completely oblivious to the word no unless they're saying it.

I know it would be hard and many MN posts have made me realise quite how many things change/disappear/give way when DC arrive- but as I'm currently childfree I know I have no idea how hard, how I'll feel, how my life will change and what my personal Waterloo will be. I don't pretend to know or expect to know, as much as I try to be supportive to friends with DC.

I know it scares me!!! However, there was a thread recently by someone who was utterly fed up of doom & gloom predictions being smugly flung at her before she'd even given birth. I did feel a bit for her as I think she felt like she wasn't going to be allowed to enjoy any of it or find any aspects easier than predicted without people crowing "just you wait!!!". I could see both sides.

Gosh yes!

I was warned but it was the work involved in having a baby that people talk about...nappies, feeding, potties etc. None of that was an issue for me. Looking after babies isn't easy but its doable - 1 year in I thought I was a natural which surprised me. Even though I was tired from night wakings/early mornings which went on for 5 years(2 kids) it was still fine & DH & I talked about how we were progressing & how much easier it will be when (fill in the blank here).

I was totally unprepared for the emotional side of having children though. Having them grow & remind you of your own mortality daily. Having them argue with you. Having them whine til you wish them away (my kid just moaned because I can't read Japanese!) whilst it kills you that anyone could feel that about your kid. Having them make you realise that perhaps you weren't a perfect kid. Having them turn you into the family dogsbody despite having done everything right at school, uni, work etc. They are my heart walking outside my body and yet sometimes...

...and then other times I realise that there is no way I could deal with the not knowing what it would be like to be a parent if we hadn't had them. And no way I would give up those moments when you are someone elses whole world.

Swings & roundabouts. Metaphorically & literally.