To think you have no idea how hard it is being a parent until you become one

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Just that really I know for some people this won't be the case. But most new mothers I know well enough to speak to about it have agreed it was a complete shock how hard it actually is. I often think people get accused of scare mongering when they try to warn expectant mothers. I probably thought this abit myself before I had DD.
Have to add I love my DD more than anything. I'm not saying this because I regret her in any way. But looking back I do feel like I genuinely went into shock when I had her. Afew people told me it is hard but I was completely unprepared for how hard it was especially at the start.

I was on my knees for 9 months with sleep deprivation with my first. It really affected my mental health and until I sorted sleep training I felt undone. I was unprepared for the drudgery, loneliness, boredom but also wonder and total and complete love. I felt like I’d lost a huge part of myself to motherhood which was a complete shock.

My second was a comparatively easy baby but a wild child who tests my patience daily. My life pre kids was all about work, drinks, travelling, nice food. Weekends were very chilled. I initially really missed those days but 9 years on they are a fond memory but not a longing.

I think that’s right. As they say, “I was an amazing parent... and then I had kids”!

Nothing can prepare you for the way your life explodes. It’s all so extreme. The emotions are extreme; the tiredness is extreme; the change in routine is extreme; the loss of self and independence; the inevitable arguments with your partner...

What I have found is that, whilst I thought having one was an enormous life change, in fact it’s having DC2 that has really made that change. I can’t believe now that I found having one baby difficult, compared to one baby and one stroppy independent toddler! People did tell me that, and I did listen, but it still didn’t prepare me fully.

And i’m sure people who’ve had multiple births or who have more DC than I do would say how much more things change again!!

What scared me was having my ds who was 7 when I was pregnant with dd and wondering how on earth I could love another child as much as I loved him.

I remember speaking to my mum about it ( I'm one of 3 ) and she said it's very normal
to feel like that and everything would be fine. She was right of course and it was love at first sight with dd. They're now 15 and 7 and very different but I love them totally equally and couldn't imagine worrying over it.

Also mine were both amazing sleepers.
I literally did no night time feeds. It was bizarre as i knew it was quite unusual with ds so was fully expecting dd to be up all night.

It's only now that I'm getting payback!
ds is often awake later than me which means there's never truly any peace. Dd doesn't settle until around 9 and sleeps like a baby which is great during weekends and holidays but school mornings are the bane of my life, she has to be dragged out of bed of a morning and takes an age to wake up.

They're amazing kids and I wouldn't change a thing but roll on next week when my sanity returns when they go back to school

Totally agree. My first DC is nearly three weeks old and I'm feeling totally overwhelmed and on overload. I knew it would be hard but not quite how hard it would be and agree that no one really tells you this (or they forget themselves!) and how awful sleep deprivation is.

I already suffered from anxiety since my teens and this has increased so much since he arrived, even now I'm staying up after he has gone down after a feed just to make sure he is still breathing. He has been choking whilst feeding and I convinced myself he had pneumonia rather than maybe I just have a fast flow. I love him to bits but I also miss the sleep and the lie ins I had just a few weeks ago! everyone says it goes so fast and the newborn stage is wonderful but to be honest I can't wait till he is less fragile so I'm not on red alert every time he farts

scared

As mentioned above your post,mine are 7 and 15. I still check that they are breathing

The things we do....

For me I found the newborn stage easy(or maybe I’ve blocked it out!), I think the challenges presented to you kind of adhere to your own strengths and weaknesses. For me I found about 9-18 months the most stressful. The constant moving, and needing entertainment that never seems to quite hit the mark, the dangers they put themselves in every five minutes... I think that was my point of thinking oh god this is so bloody hard!! Everyone warned me that I’d be dying of sleep deprivation and exhausted by a newborn, but it didn’t happen like that for me, I just sort of ebbed and flowed with the baby, even when I had the next ones. I seemed to be able to do that quietness and level of neediness, but didn’t feel isolated or anything, I would scoop the baby up and go out. It was the crawling and kind of wanting stuff but then them not being able to communicate that was hard for me. Other mum friends would say things like ooh I love it when they can finally crawl around and start walking, but for me it was absolute hell. I also find the first year of primary school stressful, the navigating the way your child responds to it, the pressure from the teachers/school, dealing with the other sometimes bonkers parents.... aggghh!

Funny that people are saying it causes anxiety. On one level, it took mine away.

I used to be terrified of flying. Now I all I care about is if the plane goes down, will DD be unaware as much as possible (by my being there) or able to grow up happy (when I fly for work alone)? I had a small cancer scare soon after she was born and completely freaked myself out because the only thing that I cared about was the thought of DD growing up without a mother. Not a speck of worry about myself. And I'm a VERY self-centred person.

I'm not an intellectually selfless person, but having a baby turned me into a more emotionally selfless one.

Actually I was shocked by how easy looking after a baby/children was, and I had three children under age three. I'd had years of my mum bleating on about how hard having children is.

I found you could imagine how hard (or not) aspects of having children could be. What was hard to imagine was the relentlessness of it. So you could imagine 1 or 2 nights of no sleep and having to function during the day, but not the weeks and months of that.

Do you think money and time makes the difference? As in, if you can still affford all your choices (hobbies, travel, to give up work/work PT/stay full time) and you have childcare on tap (live in help or similar)?

I just wonder as some of my friends who are/were very high earners or married wealth seem to have it easier (apart from the worry!), but I don’t know if anyone else has seen this?

My first baby died when he was three weeks old. That was the worst thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. So when my colicky daughter was born a year later, and would scream for up to four hours at a time, I was exhausted, but just so greateful that she was alive.

Fantastic DH who would cheerfully take over at any point in the night, made the difference really.

After my brother had his first child he came round to mine, say down and apologised to me. He had given me ridiculous advice on how to parent my dd.

His words were 'apparantly, I was far better at parenting before I had kids. God I was such dick'

We both laughed. I think it's true. We all have an idea of how it's going to be and it's often not like that.

YAnbu. I consider myself fairly competent. I had ds late, and found the baby years relatively easy, I became a single mum when ds was 3.5 and I coped with juggling full time work/childcare/buying & freshening up a tired house.
But I was completely unprepared for having sole care of a lively 4yo while I had proper flu for 10 days. I can usually manage, but with no family support, nothing prepared me for that.
Ds is a happy healthy cheerful soul and I know I am lucky, but I’m a lot less complacent now. Teenage years next

Yes, becoming parents is this weird process whereby we each seem to think what's happened to the rest of the world won't happen to us... that we are going to do it our way and the millions of people who have had children before ARE ALL DOING IT WRONG.

I think it must be evolutions way of ensuring we procreate.

Sorry Travelled there aren't words.

Scaredsection - no one really tells you this (or they forget themselves!) and how awful sleep deprivation is.

The point here is that people DO tell you but no one wants to either hear or believe it so they don't listen. Believe me, you never forget, but a new mother also probably won't believe me now either that things don't always get easier. Sure things change and baby starts sleeping, but along with that comes a whole new wealth of challenges you didn't even know were challenges until you had a toddler / child / teen etc. This is why parenting communities are so important, so you know you're not alone in feeling the way you do

Travelled I'm so sorry for your loss, there really are no words

@travelledtheworld I’m so sorry for your huge loss.

@RedLemonade As a very recent mother to my first baby I am experiencing all that you describe so well. The ‘whisper’ away from grief sums it up well.

@brightlightssmallvillage ‘my heart outside of my body’ is a beautiful way of describing it..

Travelledtheworld I am so sorry for the loss of your first baby. It's unimaginable. Congratulations on your new baby, and for getting through the colic. Hope it eases up soon!

What I wasn't prepared for was how ridiculously protective I'd be. Not that I acct on it, but I get irate at silly situations because I don't want ds to be upset. For example if he goes to play with another kid and they don't want to play I'm gutted that he might be upset. He had blood tests that he needed when he was a baby, and although he needed them when they were taking them and he was crying the irrational part of my brain wanted to punch the nurse for hurting him, even though the rational part of my brain new it was necessary. Obviously I didn't do that haha. I wasn't prepared to have this tiny human encompass all my emotions like that

It is hard of course at times and you have to roll with it and be ready to change. And most of all I agree with the poster who said about the relentlessness of it. Not just as babies either. Even with teenagers, when you’re into completely different territory.

I think if anyone asks then yes briefly say to be prepared for that. It’s something you have to find your way with. But only if they ask. And try to be positive about it too.

But I’m not so sure about warning expectant mothers. It can come across as the voice of doom if they hear too many awful stories. I remember being pregnant with dd1 and feeling utterly sick of being told all the time how hard everything was going to be. It was so negative and crucially, unasked for. It worried me to some extent so wasn’t particularly helpful.

Most people do know it will be hard at times. They won’t know specifically until they’re in the middle of it and have to find their own way through. That’s when they need support, not a deluge of scare stories when they’re pregnant. Much of what I was told definitely would happen, didn’t. Lots of things I wasn’t told about, did.

When I had 3 five and under I knew nothing would ever feel hard again, and it hasn’t.

They are now teenagers and it hasn’t been hard at all. It was much harder when they were tiny, as much as I loved them. So don’t be scared of teenagers! Mine are lovely.

I found the work life balance difficult, having no family around and a long commute. I also found childcare expensive. None of my friends/family members listened and were telling me how they'd have three kids etc... I actually found it quite obnoxious if i'm honest. As if they knew better and would cope do much better. And then they had kids and couldn't believe the nursery costs and the fact you have to leave work at 5.00pm to be in time for pick up.

@Travelled I am so sorry for your dreadful loss
@Brightlights I love your post :)

I find the loss of personal recovery time the hardest thing. I think this will improve as they get a bit older. And I realise what an impatient, judgemental person I am when the chips are down, and I don't want to put that on them.

That's the current challenge. A year ago though I was just thinking "If I could only get 7 hours sleep straight, reliably, I would never be unhappy ever again!!"

I don't think I found it hard in regards to caring for my baby. That came though when the second arrived!

However, I don't think anyone can prepare you for the emotional shock and I'm pretty sure no one can fully understand that unless they are a Mum. It's the anxiety about everything I found hard, suddenly life had danger everywhere, and the constant worry about whether they were okay etc. Also, the fact that your freedom is immediately diminished is also a massive shock, it's a HUGE change to your life.