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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about being no one's priority

81 replies

pixiie · 29/08/2018 16:58

I have been waiting in a cafe for 30 mins for my friend to arrive. We planned this very last minute but I came straight from work. She has cancelled a number of planned visits recently. She has now just text me saying she is meeting her friends at 630 so won't have time to meet me.

My other friend was going to plan a spa weekend as I am moving away next week. She was talking about it for ages. Then she messages me saying that her other friend is going to visit her this weekend, but if i still wanted to we could do something. I feel so uncomfortable, its obvious shed rather be with her friend

For context I split up with a really dickheadish prick in January, physically and mentally abusive. One of the things that still rings in my head is him saying "youre just not a priority to me". So maybe I am being sensitive. I've never really had millions of friends, I probably have about 5 close (well what i considered close) friends. I just feel so lonely sitting here on my own again, I would do anything for my friends but I feel like tjey wouldn't notice if I died.

Aibu or more specifically over sensitive or would you be upset about the above?

OP posts:
ChampagneCommunist · 29/08/2018 17:16

I'd message back with a sarcastic comment and move on. Sometimes people are prats. This is one of those times.

Good luck with your move; don't look back.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 29/08/2018 17:21

I’m so sorry op, after what that twat did to you it must really hurt. I don’t really have any practical advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone. I left an abusive relationship where I was beaten and told how worthless I was on a daily basis. He distanced all of my friends and family and when I eventually managed to leave I was left with very few friends because he had made it so impossible for me to have any. It does get better. I know how much it hurts and how lonely it feels but with time you will grow in confidence and make new friends. I promise, it will get better x

MrsMozart · 29/08/2018 17:24

You're probably feeling sensitive, but that doesn't alter the fact that your friends are being arses.

Maybe time to start finding some new friends.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/08/2018 17:25

Find new friends. Seriously no one deserves to treat you like shit

Immigrantsong · 29/08/2018 17:27

Oh OP i have been there with the friends situation. I am not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt, because it really does BUT I decided it was much better to be alone rather than be with cunts like that in my life. These people aren't really your friends, they are acquaintances. If they were friends, they wouldn't behave like this. What I do now, is to completely focus on my family and my only social life is through a couple of friends and meet up (the social app). This way I still get to go out but without all the let downs of flakey fake friends. I do sometimes feel bad I don't have more friends, but I have so much more than most people that I feel content with my lot in life.

SilverLining10 · 29/08/2018 17:28

Yanbu. Going through something very similar myself. Its very hurtful that people think you're the type that it's ok to disappoint or let down.

SpottingTheZebras · 29/08/2018 17:30

I don’t think you are being over sensitive at all. I think your ex was unnecessarily cruel by saying that but your friends are really letting you down right now.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 29/08/2018 17:34

So sorry, OP. That is awful of your friends and I understand how hurt you feel.
I am going to say this and duck for cover, but have you had any support for the abuse you went through in your relationship? Is it possible that this situation has worn down your self esteem to the point that your friends can feel comfortable putting you bottom of the heap? (I say this as I think I have been there, and while I do not excuse the behaviour of others, I realise now that I didn't have the self confidence to do anything other than enable it).
Good luck with the move. I trust that you will meet some new friends who will prioritise you more.

Sonders · 29/08/2018 17:35

When you ditch people who drain your emotions, you make room for people who enhance your life. The sunken costs fallacy applies to so many sour friendships, where you hang on to disrespectful people who make you feel shitty because you've invested so much time and emotion previously.

I'd be upset in your situation, as I was in your situation not too long ago. Honestly once I got rid of people like your friend, life got easier. Just reply and say not to worry, you'll find something more fun to do this evening, and then never bother again.

YourHandInMyHand · 29/08/2018 17:40

It was in the year or two after I left an emotionally abusie shit bag that I started to look more closely at most of my "friendships". I changed how I looked at things, made myself my priority not pleasing and being there for every bugger else, and only put in to friendships what the other person did. Some obviously died a death as soon as I stopped being so passive and putting up with being treated like a B plan.

I know it sounds cheesy but I'd take some time to be a really kind friend to yourself. Start some new hobbies, groups or classes if you can, and just stop chasing people who don't chase you.

It took me a long time to end up with a small circle of amazing friends and then to consider letting a lovely man into my life too. For quite some time I enjoyed just suiting myself and doing whatever I pleased. Smile

Mintylicious · 29/08/2018 18:11

You poor thing OP - it’s so hard when people let you down.

I was in a similar situation once. Can you ask yourself honestly: because of your crap relationship, do you think you let friendships lapse a bit? It would be very easy to do with someone controlling. Much easier to let friendships lapse than to have constant arguments.

If the answer to that is no, you’ve always been reliable/never cancelled/made an effort to be available, then these just don’t sound like great friends. Go and have a brilliant time at the spa by yourself - take a lovely book and just enjoy being pampered - and you can gradually meet new people who will prioritise you.

If it’s a harder answer then you will need to think how you can start to rebuild things now that the dickhead is out of your life.

💐

gottastopeatingchocolate · 29/08/2018 18:16

You know, OP, re-reading, it is possible that your "other friend" is genuinely asking if you are OK with the extra person. If you are comfortable with it, why not respond that yes, you'd still like to do the spa weekend, and the visitor is more than welcome to come along... see what happens?

stressedoutpa · 29/08/2018 18:21

How horrid for you.

Don't reply and delete her from your contacts. Seriously, who needs 'friends' like that?

As for the spa weekend, I'd give that a miss too. There are lots of lovely people out there. Focus your energies on finding them. You don't need to put up with the odd few crumbs of friendship they chuck at you.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 29/08/2018 18:23

I would reply and tell her you've been waiting 30 minutes for her. Hopefully she'll squirm a bit then i would just cut her off.

KM99 · 29/08/2018 18:43

Make yourself your number 1 priority. Take care of yourself, do things you want to do, treat yourself like you would anyone you love.

I'd be very firm in my responses to these people who are being so rude to you and give them no more chances.

Ariclock · 29/08/2018 18:48

I would definitely text that friend telling her that you have been waiting half an hour for her and that you're disappointed. Make her squirm as the poster above said Flowers

Shouldershrugger · 29/08/2018 18:50

I wouldn't even dignify it with response. People like that aren't your friends. You deserve much better. Especially after everything you have been through. I hope you'll be ok. If you're ever in London, let me know. I'll take you out for a drink. I've been where you are now and I was alone. It was a very vulnerable stage of my life. Things will get better. Lock those assholes off xx

Nikephorus · 29/08/2018 18:54

I would definitely text that friend telling her that you have been waiting half an hour for her and that you're disappointed.
Sod disappointed, go with pissed off! 'Seriously? I've been waiting here for you for 30 mins and now you blow me off even though we only made these plans last minute? FFS!'
And for the second one 'you obviously have other priorities so just forget it'.
Make them feel guilty (if they're capable) and then look to make some decent friends.

luckycat007 · 29/08/2018 18:55

It doesn't just happen to you believe me.

A good friend is hard to find. Bin the lot of them, I couldn't be bothered with all that carry on.

Abitlost2015 · 29/08/2018 18:56

They are not very good friends and you deserve better. You sound lovely, don’t waste any time with people who cannot appreciate you.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 29/08/2018 18:57

An opportunity to make new friends now there is a vacancy!
I have no friends at all!! It's hard but better than being with the wrong ones.

Cakefairy1978 · 29/08/2018 18:58

Ditch the bitch. You are much better than than that!! I've cut people out of my life before and I'll do it again if necessary life is too short. You got rid of a dickhead partner and take strength in that many don't and stay years and years. You are much much stronger than You Think!! Get out, join a gym club hubby etc and get talking to people. hugs x

Original poster
pixiie · 29/08/2018 21:14

I just feel so sad, its like theres something annoying about me where people are only willing to see me for short amounts of time on their terms. Havent contacted either of them. Rubbish with confrontation.

I'm moving to London and scared that my shit personality will make me even more unlikable in such a lonely place:(

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 29/08/2018 21:45

Oh OP, it's not you, it's them! Honestly, they're not great human beings to treat somebody in this way. It's just horrible to agree to meet up with a friend and then dump them for 'better' offer; genuinely nice people wouldn't do that.

Moving to London could be great. It CAN be lonely, but it doesn't have to be. There are lots of opportunities to do things and meet people, and there is absolutely no reason to start imagining that you are somehow less interesting or likeable than everybody else. I'm sure that you have some great future friends just waiting to meet you.

Shrekless · 29/08/2018 22:04

I haven't read all the comments but just wanted to add my thoughts as this used to happen to me a lot.
I sometimes wonder if it was because I never made a fuss?? I wouldn't say I was a push over as such but people would often drop me if they had a better offer and I never felt (and still don't but I'm past caring now) like I was a priority. Looking back, I allowed people to get away with it with a "okey catch up soon then!" (Because I never wanted to shame/guilt them mammy issues ) Instead of a " well ok but I'd had been looking forward to this so I'm pretty disappointed" or something similar. I never voiced my disappointment so I think people either thought I didn't care or I was the easy one to let down. There was never a come back for them and they didn't have to feel 'bad' for doing so.
If I had let them know and therefore made them face the fact they had let their friend down and all the emotions that would come with that, then I think it would have happened a lot less.