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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad about being no one's priority

81 replies

pixiie · 29/08/2018 16:58

I have been waiting in a cafe for 30 mins for my friend to arrive. We planned this very last minute but I came straight from work. She has cancelled a number of planned visits recently. She has now just text me saying she is meeting her friends at 630 so won't have time to meet me.

My other friend was going to plan a spa weekend as I am moving away next week. She was talking about it for ages. Then she messages me saying that her other friend is going to visit her this weekend, but if i still wanted to we could do something. I feel so uncomfortable, its obvious shed rather be with her friend

For context I split up with a really dickheadish prick in January, physically and mentally abusive. One of the things that still rings in my head is him saying "youre just not a priority to me". So maybe I am being sensitive. I've never really had millions of friends, I probably have about 5 close (well what i considered close) friends. I just feel so lonely sitting here on my own again, I would do anything for my friends but I feel like tjey wouldn't notice if I died.

Aibu or more specifically over sensitive or would you be upset about the above?

OP posts:

Heartshapedfairylights · 29/08/2018 22:18

Oh OP! I couldn’t read and run. I have felt like you in the past.
I didn’t think I was anyone’s number one, two, three or even four.
However, I realised that it was down to the group I was associating with. They made me feel shitty by picking me up and dropping me whenever it suited.
Well, I dropped them. I deleted them from my life and I have never felt better. I only have room for genuine people in my life, even if that means I only have a couple of decent friends. Quality over quantity.
You’ll find some lovely friends after you move. Dump the flaky f*%ckers and make some room in your life for some nice people.

Hissy · 29/08/2018 23:39

Oh love, that nasty little excuse for a man said that thing only to hurt you, nothing more, don’t read anything more into his words than that. He’s gone, you’ll rise again

While I was recovering from the 10yr abusive relationship I was in, one of the things I learned/realised was that in allowing him to tear me down I’d become less important in my own life, and that by putting others before me all the time, I was establishing an order. My family put me last, my friends we’re all pretty much lost due to the isolation I’d suffered, only a very few make what I thought were incredible efforts to be kind to me. I really wasn’t used to it at all

I learned that in order for others to consider us as a priority sometimes, we have to put ourselves there first. Otherwise it’s “ah, she won’t mind..” when actually she very much would mind

You have to put yourself on the list of priorities so that others know you need to be on their list of priorities too.

Original poster

pixiie · 02/09/2018 09:37

Thank you for all your replies, I've just read through them now.

So I ended up visiting my friend. Irs 2 trains away, and about 3 hrs traveling door to door.

We were meant to go the spa obviously, but her and her friend were hungover, so I didn't get to hers until 3. Then she told me she needed to go and get her eyebrows done. By the time we got back it was 7. Then her friend needed to drop off a suitcase at her new place so we all got in the car and did that- an hour there and an hour back.

She then made me walk to the shop on my own to get snacks. We watched a film and went to bed.

I'm now about to get the train home.

I feel like shit. To me it was very obvious she was just fitting me in as not to upset me.

Woild anyone say anything to her? I'm so annoyed woth myself

OP posts:

Original poster

pixiie · 02/09/2018 09:55

Oh and obviously really petty but I slept on the couch whilst my friend and her friend slept in her bed.

So from about midnight to now ive been on my own. I woke up at 6, so just really wanr to go home. But she's not up yet

OP posts:

rememberatime · 02/09/2018 09:55

Oh... I recognise lots of these feelings too. it is easy when you already feel put upon and let down. to take normal actions in a negative way.

If you had been feeling positive about your friendship, yesterday's day out and movie and snacks would have been fun and you'd be heading home this morning feeling fine about it all.

I am not making excuses about your friend - cancelling an event like a spa day is inexcusable - but I feel that maybe she was put in a difficult position too as she had another friend who wanted to see her. Try to see how that might have made her feel torn.

That said - if your friendships make you feel negative, they probably are not the right friends for you. It is perfectly OK to have friends who you see now and then, but who are kind of give and take. Then you have a close friendships or two who are special and who you can always rely on. It sounds like you need to focus on finding one of these types of friendships. If you had that one person who is always there, you wouldn't feel so let down by the more casual friends.

rememberatime · 02/09/2018 09:58

But - I would get up, get showered, take them a cup of tea and excuse yourself.

Don't think twice about heading off and making the most of your day. The sun is shining - don't worry about being polite. Make the most of weather and do something you enjoy.

CMOTDibbler · 02/09/2018 10:05

I'd be really upset too - she'd arranged to do something with you, and then instead you spent 4 hours getting her brows done, 2 hours dropping off a bag for the other person and instead of a spa trip you watched a movie.
Tell her that you were really upset, and then move on with your lovely new life in London

LoniceraJaponica · 02/09/2018 10:08

"I woke up at 6, so just really wanr to go home. But she's not up yet"

I would just leave now. She is far too selfish to deserve any more of your time. She begaves like this because she can get away with it.

Burlea · 02/09/2018 10:09

What a horrible person she is. Don't stay any longer, leave and enjoy your day. Block her number from your contacts.
You can and will make new friends.

Happydaysalone · 02/09/2018 10:19

You deserve better OP and you should respect yourself more. Telling yourself or us you are unlikeable becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and people pick up on that vibe.

I've just joined the Claw thread in Relationships. Come say hi there

Original poster

pixiie · 02/09/2018 10:21

It upsets me as this friend is someone i consider being close.

I just dont know how people can justify that being an acceptable thing to do. I am like a spare part.

OP posts:

LoniceraJaponica · 02/09/2018 10:32

"It upsets me as this friend is someone i consider being close."

It would upset me as well. Sadly, it looks like she doesn't conider you a close friend, or she takes you for granted because she always gets away with treating you like this.

stressedoutpa · 02/09/2018 11:06

She then made me walk to the shop on my own to get snacks.

My rule is to phase out anthing or anyone who makes me feel shit. I only bother to do things or see people who make me feel good about myself. It wasn't always like this but life is much better sticking to this rule.

stressedoutpa · 02/09/2018 11:08

I'm pretty surprised that you even went.

Leave and get on with your day. No need to apologise. She didn't apologise about the spa day.

If it was me I probably wouldn't be seeing this 'friend' again.

Immigrantsong · 02/09/2018 11:30

OP please start trying to look into the way you are choosing to deal with these so called friends, as you seem a bit co dependant (I am too on a similar journey, so please don't take offence). Look at your childhood, relationships and overall behaviour and try to see why you put up with such poor form from others. What your friend did was truly shitty so think about things.

Original poster

pixiie · 02/09/2018 13:53

Before I left I told her I was upset. She said she didnt know what to say and she thought it was fine because I had been talking to her and I laughed last night. She has now turned her phone off, as she rang me and I rant back to voicemail.

I do have massive issues with codependency. I think my friend knows full well I will feel bad right so she's playing on it by switching phone off.

I'm massively trying to not cry on the train home

OP posts:

LoniceraJaponica · 02/09/2018 13:56

I'm so sorry. She sounds like a first class bitch. Even the most self confident of us have had "friends" like this. I would block her on social media and move on. IMO no friend is better than a frenemy.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 02/09/2018 14:00

I feel a bit like that sometimes. Hope you get it sorted

ElspethFlashman · 02/09/2018 14:06

She is a shit shit shit shitty friend.

You were her guest. For fucks sake. She is an arse hole.

What was that quote "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". So dump her ass. Stop giving her an opportunity to be so cavalier to you.

I'm raging for you. Fucking raging.

Frogscotch7 · 02/09/2018 14:08

Go to London and leave these bitches behind. There are better people out there. Start as you mean to go on and don’t allow people to treat you like shit. It’s not you!!

MrsMozart · 02/09/2018 14:23

Oh OP. A handhold.

What about looking into an assertive course or similar?

As for your friends... They should hope they don't one day get dumped from a great height.

Original poster

pixiie · 02/09/2018 14:49

This is a common theme in so many of my friendships. Whenever i do say anything I get radio silence.

I'm starting to convince myself that im an attention seeker who has upset people because I need attention all the same. Surely moving to London is worth a proper goodbye? Or am I too sensitive? Am I too needy? I know if the roles had been reversed I would have made a fuss of her.

A shame, I can't see her backing down over this

OP posts:

InezGraves · 02/09/2018 15:01

OP please start trying to look into the way you are choosing to deal with these so called friends, as you seem a bit co dependant

Agreed. That is not one whit to dismiss their rude and inconsiderate behaviour, but if you are being similarly mistreated by multiple people in your life, you should address how you are dealing with it, as the only behaviour you can change here is your own. For instance, did the hungover friend tell you not to arrive till 3 in the afternoon? If so, it must have been obvious before you left home that the chances of you going to a spa were virtually nil. When she said she had to get her eyebrows done, didn't you say 'But I came to go to the spa?' And when it became clear that 'going to a spa' meant driving for two hours because of someone else's suitcase, didn't you say anything? And no one can 'make' you walk to the shop for snacks on your own.

Assertiveness course? It sounds as if your self-esteem has been so ground down by your ex that you have become very passive in your friendships with some not very considerate people.

Immigrantsong · 02/09/2018 15:50

@inezgraves agreed.

Original poster

pixiie · 02/09/2018 16:30

@InezGraves

Thanks for posting. I'm going to really take your points on board. Of course these things were obvious to me but I don't think I ever had seen them in black and white.

I guess I don't feel like i can call someone out until something bad has happened. It's like a sliding scale where someone can be like 50% dickhead but I'll just think oh it cojld be worse. So yesterday I thought well she could have said dont come. And then it takes a build up of things to occur.

OP posts:

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