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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel sad about being no one's priority

81 replies

pixiie · 29/08/2018 16:58

I have been waiting in a cafe for 30 mins for my friend to arrive. We planned this very last minute but I came straight from work. She has cancelled a number of planned visits recently. She has now just text me saying she is meeting her friends at 630 so won't have time to meet me.

My other friend was going to plan a spa weekend as I am moving away next week. She was talking about it for ages. Then she messages me saying that her other friend is going to visit her this weekend, but if i still wanted to we could do something. I feel so uncomfortable, its obvious shed rather be with her friend

For context I split up with a really dickheadish prick in January, physically and mentally abusive. One of the things that still rings in my head is him saying "youre just not a priority to me". So maybe I am being sensitive. I've never really had millions of friends, I probably have about 5 close (well what i considered close) friends. I just feel so lonely sitting here on my own again, I would do anything for my friends but I feel like tjey wouldn't notice if I died.

Aibu or more specifically over sensitive or would you be upset about the above?

OP posts:
stressedoutpa · 02/09/2018 18:38

Op, I think it is good to think through what you would have done in that situation.

So.... your friend is moving to London. You've arranged a day out at the spa. She pitches up and you follow through and have a lovely day. You do that because you're a decent friend who doesn't bale at the last minute. Expect the same level of treatment from your friends. Anything less than that isn't good enough.

Start being consistent with how you expect friends to treat you and ditch the ones that fall short. Some time soon you will have a few nice supportive friends.

Havaina · 02/09/2018 19:10

I would not have gone to see her after she texted you to say you can 'still come if you want'.

Your first instinct was right, she wanted to be with the other girl.

She sounds flakey and a user. You deserve much better friends than these.

Don't contact her again. If she calls you, get closure by telling her what a shitty friend she is, then block and delete her.

InezGraves · 02/09/2018 19:31

Sorry, pixie, I sounded a bit hectoring!

Your posts just reminded me of my mother, who is lovely but unassertive, puts herself out endlessly for people BUT because she has zero self-esteem, never challenges anything, or lets it be known that she might have needs or problems or priorities of her own, people metaphorically don’t see her, and assume she’ll go along with any kind of second rate treatment/last-minute cancellations but can be called upon to help out with grunt work.

She’d have behaved exactly as you did, and been half-conscious of resenting it, but never spoken up, and been bitter about it afterwards.

She’s produced three very non-pushover daughters, who are all reacting against the way she is, but to be honest, it was a toxic way to grow up, as she was and is very down on female self-confidence. Because she can’t say what she wants —she’s afraid of rejection and making people dislike her, and her ‘logic’ is that if she says yes to everything, takes every hour-long venting phone call while her dinner goes cold on the table, then no one has the ‘right’ to dislike her — she resents anyone who does say ‘No, that doesn’t work for me.’

It’s made her very lonely, and while of course part of the problem is inconsiderate people — whose crap ness shouldn’t be sidelined — they can only behave that way because she lets them.

I’m saying that at such length to just say, Don’t fall into this trap. I bet your confidence took a knock after the end of your relationship, but you’re worth way more than acting as a kind of unpaid lady in waiting. Look into assertiveness courses, or books (maybe someone on here can recommend one), and value yourself.

lavendersunflowers · 02/09/2018 19:33

I disagree with most of these replies Flowers

Where friends are concerned, unless they are single with no parents or siblings and have no children or their own, you won’t be a priority. And that’s ok. You can still be friends with them.

Havaina · 02/09/2018 19:48

lavendersunflowers

You're spectacularly obtuse. And I suspect you may be a shitty friend. Flowers

lavendersunflowers · 02/09/2018 19:50

No, not at all and I’m not trying to be obtuse - the opposite. I’m surprised you have taken my post that way.

I am a long time single parent without any family so I do know what it’s like not being anyone’s priority. But I also know that’s the reality. I’m not anyone’s priority so I do just try to make the best of it. Otherwise, I’d be extremely lonely.

Havaina · 02/09/2018 19:54

Sorry if I've misunderstood you, lavender

I don't think OP is saying she needs to be the most important person in her friends' lives.

I think by 'priority', she means that her friends should value her and treat her like they would want to be treated.

I expect my friends to prioritise their families over me but if they make plans with me, I wouldn't tolerate them repeatedly flaking on me or making me feel like a third wheel with another friend.

stressedoutpa · 02/09/2018 20:02

lavendersunflowers what the hell are you talking about? Have you actually read the thread.

So it's okay for the Op's friend to not turn up at the coffee shop then text to say she's not coming at the eleventh hour when she's been sitting there for 30 minutes? Or the other friend to pull out of a spa day because she has arranged to see another friend? Yeah, that's okay because she shouldn't expect to be a priority in their lives...... Confused

lavendersunflowers · 02/09/2018 20:12

No I get that hav and I don’t think I conveyed myself very well. All I can honestly say is it sucks and I want to give op a massive hug. I don’t think she should put up with any crap but unfortunately IME if you don’t have a young family you do get this sort of stuff. I’ll stop now!

Havaina · 02/09/2018 20:15

lavender i hope you are the #1 priority for someone very soon Smile

stressedoutpa · 02/09/2018 20:28

lavendersunflowers, I think you need to start valuing yourself a little more too.

What does 'not having a young family' got to do with it? I don't have one and I don't have this problem because I edit people out early on who show any signs of being unreliable flakes. Life is too short to hang around waiting in coffee shops for 'friends' who might not turn up.

bigKiteFlying · 02/09/2018 20:49

but if you are being similarly mistreated by multiple people in your life, you should address how you are dealing with it, as the only behaviour you can change here is your own

^^This.
I was nearly 30 before i allowed myself to get annoyed and show it and then it was because my child would be missing out not that I was hurt and disappointed.

In that case I really liked the people enough to think about managing them better ie I met them places I could start looking round myself rather than waited for them to turn up, invited others along as well to things at our house.

Looking back, it come from my upbringing my parents were always insisted I must be wrong about being invited or it must be pity last minute invite to do things – so being dropped and stood up seemed normal even expected when it happened to me. Doesn't now.

pixiie · 02/09/2018 23:20

I've just had a message where she's told me she thinks im being childish and because i didn't tell her at the time I was unhappy shes unsure what my problem is. She says when im ready to apologise shell happily come and see me before I go

OP posts:
pixiie · 02/09/2018 23:27

Oh and that her life doesnt revolve around me

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 02/09/2018 23:40

Delete the self absorbed bitch out of your life. Block her number and social media. You are worth more than this.

She should be apologising to you.

ThinkingCat · 02/09/2018 23:43

Forget her. Come and make some lovely new friends in London!

stressedoutpa · 02/09/2018 23:47

Op, I would just let her go. She said she was going to plan a spa weekend and she hasn't followed through. You have made all the effort to get there and everything has revolved around her and this other girl. I think you're right to feel upset. Now you are the one who has a problem, is childish, her life doesn't revolve around you, etc. etc. Talk about add insult to injury!

She should be the one apologising NOT YOU!

You gave her the benefit of the doubt by going to visit her and look how it has turned out? No more chances. Block her and move on.

Chickenwings85 · 02/09/2018 23:56

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for you. It's never nice feeling that way, I've been there myself. Maybe you could try making some other friends, widen your circle a little?
I'm in the south east, if you're nearby maybe we could meet up and have a coffee/tea/hot choclate/whatever you fancy.

FetchezLaVache · 03/09/2018 00:05

I read once that the people who are your friends are not necessarily the best people for you, but just the people you happened to meet first. Most people acquire the number of friends they are comfortable with, then they have enough friends, so they don't bother so much with new people they meet.

I would say, reading your OP and subsequent responses, that you will never, ever have friends who prioritise you in the way you would wish until you learn to prioritise yourself. Read back, see how dreadfully these fuckers are treating you! Would you treat anyone like that, yourself?

I'm guessing no.

You sound like a fantastic friend, one who is loyal and prepared to put yourself out for the people you care about. You don't sound like you're getting a lot of that back. Maybe London will be your chance finally to find the friends you actually deserve. I hope so. All the best, OP.

Pinkandproud · 03/09/2018 00:05

Ugh she’s the bitch! What a cow. Don’t apologise!

Whereabouts in London are you moving to? Smile There are always lots of opportunities to make friends here, you just need to find them! You are well rid of your current so-called friends.

Parentingsortof · 03/09/2018 00:06

I posted a similar thread to this.

Sadly they are not your friends, maybe you were friends once, but now your someone they will fit in when they have a gap.

Now if you are truly happy to have that kind of relationship and have her as a aquaintance then fair enough.

You said about issues with co-dependancy. In the nicest possible way there is no place for that in adult friendships. People will have other friend groups, work friends and partners.
I can't think of anyone who would be with even one or two people all the time as an adult.

What these people did was wrong, but maybe use it as a learning curve. Learn to love yourself and anyone that comes into your life can only enhance it.

When you move try meetup.com it's a great way to socialise without the pressure of becoming friends.

Myself I have 2 good friends and have not met anyone else I would consider a friend for years. Lots of people I know and aquaintances but that's it.

A strong friendship like a strong relationship is hard to find

Thinkingofausername1 · 03/09/2018 09:13

I haven't heard from some people I regarded as friends all summer. I'm not the easiest person to get on with, but I would drop anything for anyone that needs something. So, my priorities will be changing this term towards people. People just unfortunately don't regard you as you regard them Sad

Littlemissdemeanour · 03/09/2018 09:31

I totally understand where you’re coming from, and I’ve been there.

I cut her out, and every one consequently made me feel that way. Plain blocked.

It hurt me a lot at first, and I can’t lie it’s not lonely - it is. But I have to admit, being alone is better than being unhappy, and I no longer have the wavering self doubt and esteem issues these so-called friendships offered me.

I don’t have any magical advice for you, but I would cut completely, and block. You’ve the opportunity for a new city, a new start. Embrace it, chalk it down to experience, and don’t indulge this woman any further. FlowersCakeBrew

InezGraves · 03/09/2018 09:42

because i didn't tell her at the time I was unhappy shes unsure what my problem is

Her text is remarkably unpleasant, and you in no way owe her an apology, but her point about telling her at the time (while she's obviously only using it to justify herself) isn't a bad thing to take away as a lesson for the future, pixie.

No one wants to be the self-obsessed person who is continually thinking 'What am I getting out of this?' but for someone who is as unassertive as you are, asking yourself at regular intervals on a day like the crappy one you had with her at the weekend 'Is this working for me?' might not be a bad thing.

you will never, ever have friends who prioritise you in the way you would wish until you learn to prioritise yourself. And absolutely to this from Fetchez.

I agree you sound very nice, and I was a Londoner until six years ago. I hope you will be able, gradually, to surround yourself with people who are decent to you.

pixiie · 03/09/2018 15:58

Thank you for all your replies. A lot of helpful advice to think over. I know for a fact that in the past when I would receive texts like that I would have backed down completely, got upset and apologized. But I know in my heart I have done nothing wrong.

One of my other friends has surprised me with a lovely lunch today at a nice restaurant. I briefly told her what had happened and she said it was typical of a response from someone who always gets there own way. She said the full text was cringeworthy. Anyway, we are now off to the cinema.

Again, thanks so much for the advise. I really do think this is the wake up call I needed about so-called friends.

OP posts:
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