To not let DD's grandparents take her out

[Mondaymorningmood]

DD recently turned 1, her dad has never been involved but his parents have come to see her a few times. When they do they spend most their time making comments about me, my parenting and how I was apparently the one to ruin mine and ex's relationship and push him away. He moved a few hours away right after DD was born. But they barely know a thing about our relationship so it's hardly something they should be commenting on. I had to step out of the room last time they came because I was about to cry at everything they were saying. Now they're asking if they can take DD out, considering I've only met them a handful of times and they've nothing but insult me everytime WIBU to say no? I probably am but one of main reasons is that they think DD is too clingy because I do too much for her and carried her around too much when she was younger and that leaving their children to it worked fine. Making me worry about how well they'll actually look after her because pretty much all i know about them is what my ex told me and it wasn't positive to say the least

YANBU. Not because they sound like vicious twats, but because you barely know them! Don't let your DD go off with relative strangers, especially when your gut feeling about them is a bad one. You're being emeritus letting them see her with the way they're acting. I wouldn't trust them.

being generous that's meant to say

What are you letting this arses near your child. They will still speak like this to you, when your child is old enough to understand. Do you want your child to think this is the way her mother, and by extension she, should be treated? They are big entitled to see your baby and contrary to what some will tell you, being grandparents dies not give them a right.

They are *not

Your baby is meant to be “clingy” aka have an attachment to you!

I’d not let them but they don’t sound very nice!

So they are the best parents who brought up a son to have a child and never see it?! Don't let them undermine your parenting.

No you aren’t being unreasonable.

If they come to your home and insult you, politely stand up for yourself.

“You are being rude, please don’t say that again”

“If you are going to insult me I’m going to have to ask you to leave my home”

If they want a relationship with your child it has to be through you and they have to make an effort to form a relationship with you first and build your trust. It’s their responsibility, not yours.

A relationship with her Father’s Family is a good thing for your DD but not at any price.

You hold the power here, not them. Bear that in mind.

Ps One year old babies are meant to be “clingy” and prefer their Mums.

Not unreasonable and I'd be insisting on ground rules. Their own allegedly innocent son has F all to do with his child- so regardless of why and who broke the relationship- he's a shot dad. I'd also be explaining to them that until they can respect the mother- who is facilitating visits with strangers (to you) then the answer is no. If the abuse and rudeness continues, then all visitation will be stopped until they grow up. It's great you're ensuring a relationship the grandparents, but that should never be to your detriment.

I think I’d want to try and allo my children to have a relationship with their grandparents but.....not at a year when attachment needs are at their peak and not when they were being offensive.
I would not be stepping outside in my own home. I would be making it clear that I expected guests to be polite and respectful and until that happened they would not be having charge of my child.
I’d also maybe try and explain to them how it felt to be abandoned immediately after giving birth and what sort of cowardly man does that.

No chance

Don’t think I’d allow that and tbh, I’m not seeing any benefit to this relationship.

I wouldn't let them near your kid. Saying that as a grandad.

Absolutely not and quite frankly if they behave in a toxic fashion you need to be quite clear they're not welcome .

Point out to them that allowing them to see your child is already a concession given that their (perfect) son has told you many things about what awful parents they were. Then let them take it up with him.

How dare they come to your home and insult you. You have been far too accommodating. If they want a relationship with their grandchild they should be building a relationship with you. Until that happens I would stop them coming into your home. There are loads of neutral places to meet for an hour or two. And your DD is too young to go off with strangers you don't trust.

You are in control here, please don't let them treat you like this.

Are you worried they would hurt or molset your child?? Is that the insinuation?

Just say no, if they say why not just say firstly I don’t know you well enough and secondly I don’t agree with your parenting style and the comments you’ve made about me in front of my child and as she gets older you will only confuse her and she will be upset at you makIng derogatory remarks about her mother.

Possibly say as you were not respectful to me on your previous visits I feel that it is in my child’s best interest to stop these visits and communication with you at this present time and to let her decide when she is older if she would like you to be part of her life.

So for now goodbye.

Tell them straight that they are being far too judgemental and that they do not know all the circumstances. Also that it is very upsetting for you and at the end of the day, achieves nothing. They may not realise quite how they are coming across and it might wake them up.

It's quite normal for a one - and a two year old - to be clingy to their mum.

If your relationship with them improves, in time they can become more involved and even helpful but at the moment you set the ground rules.

YANBU, Tell them to grow up and take their rose tinted glasses off, and if you do let them come round to see her again do not let them slag you off tell them the home truths! you have a hard enough job to do to bring up your child alone you don't need the negativity.

You need to lay down some boundaries sharpish – they are welcome to see their DGC, but if they persist in criticising you and questioning your parenting you'll put a stop to their visits. If they go nuclear, cut off all contact.

You don't have to see them at all. It does your baby no good to be around people who upset you, you're the most important person in her life. You owe them nothing and they have no rights either.
I'm a granny by the way. I see my role as to support mum in her choices and her parenting. Mums need support, not this kind of horrible stressful stuff.

No.

I guess i just felt if she wasn't going to have any sort of relationship with her dad she could at least have one with her grandparents. They are the type of people to say what they think and truely believe that they're right. So i just gave up arguing, put up with them for a few hours and i wouldn't have to see them again for a few months. Which only made them become ruder because they realised i wasn't fighting back like they seemed to want me to

I'd explain that you are willing, in principle, for them to have a relationship with your daughter but only when they can speak to you with respect. Ask them how they would feel if you spoke to your daughter about them like that and see what they say. They probably won't say anything but it might possibly make them think.