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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DD's grandparents take her out

85 replies

Mondaymorningmood · 29/08/2018 10:27

DD recently turned 1, her dad has never been involved but his parents have come to see her a few times. When they do they spend most their time making comments about me, my parenting and how I was apparently the one to ruin mine and ex's relationship and push him away. He moved a few hours away right after DD was born. But they barely know a thing about our relationship so it's hardly something they should be commenting on. I had to step out of the room last time they came because I was about to cry at everything they were saying. Now they're asking if they can take DD out, considering I've only met them a handful of times and they've nothing but insult me everytime WIBU to say no? I probably am but one of main reasons is that they think DD is too clingy because I do too much for her and carried her around too much when she was younger and that leaving their children to it worked fine. Making me worry about how well they'll actually look after her because pretty much all i know about them is what my ex told me and it wasn't positive to say the least

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 29/08/2018 12:46

Do not them take her out alone. They sound like ungrateful rude twats who will, down the line, enjoy telling your DD all about your faults when you're not around (and maybe when you are). This will make her confused /sad/angry. She does not need that. Keep them away.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 29/08/2018 12:48

Unsupervised access could lead them to the road of a solicitor and claiming gps rights.
Ease off the contact is my advice.
They raised a twat, don't let them influence you precious dc.

SilverLining10 · 29/08/2018 12:51

If they can insult you in front of her, imagine what they will get away with when you are not there.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 29/08/2018 12:56

My children are not allowed to see their only grandparent because she is vicious. She cannot keep a civil bone in her body and would try to poison the children against me. She has said as much to us. My husband supervised but she didn’t want to see him. (Her own son)

Dh’s grannie was lovely and supportive of us. She was invited to everything, stayed over on Christmas Eve as I know she got so much pleasure at spending time with the children. You reap when you sow in this life!!

PieAndPumpkins · 29/08/2018 12:57

Hell to the no. Your post fills me with anxiety. Never leave your baby alone with people you do not know or do not trust. You don't know these people. Who gives a shit if their son was the 'sperm donor'?
I understand you feel like SOME family in your child's life is better than none, but please think that through. In my experience it's absolutely not the case. They sound vile and not at all like people you would want influencing your child as they get older.

pigsDOfly · 29/08/2018 13:00

These people are adding nothing to you or your baby's lives and are being rude and nasty to you into the bargain.

At a year old if she's seeing them every couple of months she won't know them and allowing them to take her out on their own is tantamount to handing her over to complete strangers. When she's distressed at having to go with these strangers they'll interpret that as being your fault for making her 'too clingy'.

If you feel you must allow them to see her I think MaryandMichael's idea of meeting them somewhere like a cafe is sensible, you can have supervision but walk away when you choose.

Stop letting them into your home as this allows them to decide when to leave and end the visit.

Take control of the situation and if you're not happy with the way they talk to you walk away and tell them why you're leaving. They have no compunction about being rude to you, you can be equally forthright.

Coyoacan · 29/08/2018 13:02

Kind grandparents are brilliant, but unkind ones are worse than none at all. I had only one grandmother and I have mostly bad memories of her. I would have been better off without her in my life.

mothersanonymous · 29/08/2018 13:02

I would tell them to wait until she's older (possibly a LOT older)

MrsChollySawcutt · 29/08/2018 13:09

I think you need to have la sit down chat - you and the GPs without your DD being present and set some ground rules. It sounds like you are happy for them to build a relationship with their GD.

That's great, but they need to know that you won't stand for being bad mouthed in front of your DD. That has to stop now, before she is old enough to understand. Contact is at your home with you or your parents present until you feel there is sufficient trust in the relationship to warrant more privileges.

All of this is non-negotiable and if they can't be civil and polite then you will stop hosting access.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 29/08/2018 13:14

I don’t think having a relationship with them is going to benefit DD at all, they’ll be badmouthing her Mum & going on about how her Daddy loves her really...🙄

Do her and yourself a favour and put a stop to them seeing her. They’ve brought it on themselves, so don’t feel bad.

M3lon · 29/08/2018 13:15

yanbu.

You don't have to allow unsupervised access to grand parents yet.

I would politely point out to them that they should focus their parenting advice on their own son first.

PorkFlute · 29/08/2018 13:20

Yabu to even allow them to visit and insult you. What exactly will your child gain from having such horrible people in her life criticising her mother all the time.
You need to stop contact and don’t answer the door to them now while your child isn’t still young enough to forget about them. The gps have no legal right to see her and have done nothing to make it seem like a good idea to maintain a relationship with them. Do you really want them telling your dd when she’s older about how you drove her dad away?

Vandree · 29/08/2018 13:24

My DM has spent 7 years building up a good relationship with my nieces DM and my niece. She would always ring and see how dn was and if they needed anything, it led to being able to take dn out for dinner and so on. If dn wanted to go home or if her mum wanted her home she was dropped home no questions asked. Now my dn has her own room in my parents house for sleep overs and she has even just had a sleep over with me with her cousins. It has taken a long time to build up the relationship to a stage where her mum felt comfortable with us. Do not let them take her, they haven't built a relationship with you why would they get to take your daughter?

notacooldad · 29/08/2018 13:24

So they are the best parents who brought up a son to have a child and never see it?!
Many parents bring up their sons well but some men still end up like this.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/08/2018 13:30

Ps One year old babies are meant to be “clingy” and prefer their Mums.

This ^ - as Nona rightly points out, it is an appropriate stage in their development - it stops them going off with complete strangers (I nearly added "in the wild" to that sentence, but you know what I mean . . . )

Perhaps if they'd lavished more early care and attention on your ex when he was an infant, he would have grown into the sort of mature adult who could have sustained a relationship. (Pure speculation, I know - I don't know anything about either of you.)

Don't let your baby go with them - it sounds as though they will take the opportunity to enforce their own child-rearing strategies.

And chuck them out the next time they criticise you - the cheeky sods!

AmyRhodes · 29/08/2018 13:38

Not sure about leaving your DD with them, but lots of people saying "don't see them at all." I agree they sound awful, but the only responsibility you have is to your child.

Picture your DD saying when she's 10 or 16, "Did my grandparents want a relationship with me, and you stopped them?" Then make your choice.

You obviously have every right to tell them not to be rude to you.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 29/08/2018 13:40

I'd also be concerned that they might be trying to establish that they have a relationship with the child (as pp have said) which would enable them to get court-ordered access later on.
If they care so much about their grandchild, all they had to do was be nice to her mother occasionally. They clearly can't manage that, so I wouldn't be trusting them with unsupervised visits.

Are you living with your parents because you are still quite young? Is that part of the reason for the awful attitude these people have towards you do you think? Could your own parents help you with that, by being there and standing up for you, or supporting you while you stand up for yourself?

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2018 13:42

You don't have to see them at all.
Say no.
If they want contact with your DD they can do so when their son can be arsed to spend some time with her.
Until then, YOU have no obligation here.
It's up to him.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 29/08/2018 13:49

Family isn't always good for you OP. I'd be telling them no, they've proved that they can't keep a civil tongue towards you and she barely even knows them. Cut ties.

I have tonnes of aunties and uncles that I'm not related to. My kids will have uncle S whom I met in college. Family isn't always blood. She doesn't need these people.

Original poster

Mondaymorningmood · 29/08/2018 14:08

I'm 18 but I'm not sure if that's why because my ex's mum had her oldest at around the same age

OP posts:

Weepingangels · 29/08/2018 14:14

Try not to doubt yourself. These people are unpleasant. You know it and your ex didnt rate their parenting either.

Honestly i would stop helping a relationship with her and them. They sound poor role models. I would meet them if you choose too somewhere public and neutral and i would make a point of leaving at the first insult. Setting the example to your child that you dont allow rudeness or insults.

NonaGrey · 29/08/2018 14:46

Monday they are riding roughshod over you because you are young and because they think you will be too polite or too intimidated to stand up to them.

One thing I have learned with age is that you can say anything to anyone if you say it politely, firmly and calmly.

They want to see your DD. That puts you in charge. You are in control, you just have to take the reins.

I know it’s hard, practice makes it easier.

Piffle11 · 29/08/2018 15:36

No no no!! They do not get to turn up every now and again, bitch about you, AND take DD out. You don't know these people - you say so in your OP - so without them making a HUGE effort with you and DD, they don't get to take her. No-one in their right mind would expect you to agree to this. And if they do continue to visit, I would strongly suggest you are not alone: have someone with you who isn't afraid to tell them to shut up (if you don't want to). It is not up to you to try and make this relationship work - it's up to them.

KC225 · 29/08/2018 15:38

I am going to against the grain here and say perhaps give them another chance. But go along with with Mrscholly's suggestion. Write them a letter email as say 'no its not appropriate for them to take out the baby at this point in time'. Suggest meeting up or establishing some ground rules where the ex, your past relationship or parenting skills are not called into question. Perhaps suggest, your mum can host the visit if they would prefer.

I see from uiur update your are 18. I think you have shown incredible maturity to allow the parents of your absent ex to visit. But alas, I feel they are taking advantage of your young years and undermining you. I. doubt if they would be sat here saying that to a 35 year old woman. Give them one more chance, if they blow it then they lack your maturity and compassion.

Good luck OP.

KC225 · 29/08/2018 15:40

Gosh sorry for all the typos -fat fingers on rickety transport and pressed send before edit.

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