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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD's grandparents take her out

85 replies

Mondaymorningmood · 29/08/2018 10:27

DD recently turned 1, her dad has never been involved but his parents have come to see her a few times. When they do they spend most their time making comments about me, my parenting and how I was apparently the one to ruin mine and ex's relationship and push him away. He moved a few hours away right after DD was born. But they barely know a thing about our relationship so it's hardly something they should be commenting on. I had to step out of the room last time they came because I was about to cry at everything they were saying. Now they're asking if they can take DD out, considering I've only met them a handful of times and they've nothing but insult me everytime WIBU to say no? I probably am but one of main reasons is that they think DD is too clingy because I do too much for her and carried her around too much when she was younger and that leaving their children to it worked fine. Making me worry about how well they'll actually look after her because pretty much all i know about them is what my ex told me and it wasn't positive to say the least

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 29/08/2018 11:08

Urgh, YANBU they sound awful.

I agree with the others who recommend polite boundary setting. "Please stop saying that, you aren't aware of all of the facts" and "I'd love you to have a relationship with DD but not while you're openly undermining me/my parenting" would be a good start.

Good luck.

Oldraver · 29/08/2018 11:08

I dont think you have nothing to loose by being very honest with these rude people. There is no relationship to harm as it sounds like they haven't even bothered to be polite to you.

I would tell then straight you would be willing to facilitate and relationship with DD on the condition that they are polite to you. I

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of GP's (on MN) who think it ok to be rude to the childs mother

Juells · 29/08/2018 11:09

Wouldn't let them across my threshold. Don't answer phone or texts and don't open door if they come knocking. Fuck 'em.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/08/2018 11:13

NadiaLeon I don't think OP is insinuating that at all. I think what she is saying is that her DD barely knows them (which is the main point really) and they don't parent the same way as she does so she doesn't trust them to care for her DD properly.

All in all i think you are justified in saying no to this OP.

MaryandMichael · 29/08/2018 11:16

No. No unsupervised access. Meet them in a café somewhere. As soon as they start being rude, you and your dd leave.

postcardsfrom · 29/08/2018 11:17

No chance. In fact I would end the relationship with the right now, given their attitude towards you. They have no 'right' to see your child legally so if they start squawking about it being unfair tell them that. Oh, and babies are supposed to prefer their mothers over some randoms they've met a handful of times...

postcardsfrom · 29/08/2018 11:23

Im my experience grand parents are fantastic for so many things but baby advice isn't usually their forte, it was a loooonnnnggg time ago that they look after babies and there's a lot of oh my kids were walking a 6 months, potty trained at one, reading a two kind of nonsense. You forget. Even I've forgotten a lot of the baby stage and it was only a few years ago - you remember the really bad bits and they really amazing bits and that's kind of it...

Nanny0gg · 29/08/2018 11:27

Either they treat you with respect or they don't see her (probably shouldn't anyway) And no, they don't take her out.

Are your parents still around?

Jaxhog · 29/08/2018 11:30

Wow! I'm surprised to let them visit again after the first insult.

If they believe in 'straight talking' then give it to them straight. Either they are polite to you when they visit or they don't visit. They certainly don't get to take her out! Your child deserves family who support her and her mum, she doesn't need family who bad mouth you.

Original poster
Mondaymorningmood · 29/08/2018 11:38

Are your parents still around?
Yeah, i still live with them

OP posts:
ambereeree · 29/08/2018 11:43

Just say: i don't have to let you see MY daughter. They'll get the hint and wind their necks in.

PerfectPenquins · 29/08/2018 11:45

I wouldn't be having them anywhere near you and your child, what the hell is wrong with them. Tell them to F off until they learn some manners and apologise.

LeighaJ · 29/08/2018 11:45

They are basically strangers to you and your daughter and rude ones at that.

Would you let people you'd both only met a few times take her out alone if they weren't blood related to her?

makingmammaries · 29/08/2018 11:49

YANBU. They need to respect your parenting boundaries. End of.

zzzzz · 29/08/2018 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Graphista · 29/08/2018 12:03

Be very careful - the legalities on grandparents rights are changing. Even as they currently stand if grandparents have an established prior relationship with the grandchild/ren they can use that as a reason to get court ordered unsupervised access when the DC are older.

At the moment you don't have to allow access to your child at all. Personally given how they're behaving I'd be telling them to get lost!

YourHandInMyHand · 29/08/2018 12:14

I was about to post the same as Graphista has.

They don't currently see her often enough to take her out alone and they are rude and unpleasant. I'd knock the visits down even more to either twice a year or never. I'd not want there to be a possibility of them legally fighting for access down the line. Given they seem to be seeking out discord I'd not put it past them.

Whatsthisbear · 29/08/2018 12:19

I wouldn’t even let them visit if they behaved like that! You WNBU to say no to taking her out, or even visiting her again

DollyWilde · 29/08/2018 12:21

Depending on the circumstances which led to your ex having no contact, OP, I'd be inclined to tell them that they would now be having their contact on ExP's time, not yours. When they point out that ExP doesn't have contact time, tell them that's up to him to sort. They don't sound like a positive addition to you or your daughter's life.

Jux · 29/08/2018 12:23

YANNNNNNNNNBU!

It's not really your responsibility to ensure your dd has a relationship with ex-ILs, and they are so rude that I really think you shouldn't bother.

If they talk like that in front of you then they will almost certainly going to do it when you're not around, if not worse. His parents, his problem.

Definitely say no and try to drop them completely. Better no GPs at all than GPs who slag you off.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2018 12:26

If this were your dd being spoken to in this manner, what would be your advice? One day soon your dd will see these people being vile to and about you. She will copy them, believe herself to be inferior to them or longer term dislike them.

If you let them out alone, I can hear the sort of conversation. “How did someone so cutesy as you end up with such a horrid mummy”. (Cue blow raspberries on tummy) “Yes, your mummy’s horrible, isn’t she.”

I agree with everyone else. Reduce contact considerably to protect your dd from their toxicity and ensure they can’t claim grandparent rights.

Takfujimoto · 29/08/2018 12:28

Second what Graphista said.

What do your parents think about it?

ZigZagZebras · 29/08/2018 12:33

YANBU at all. My DC3 is 10 months and had always been with me or DP, he's a baby there's no need for him to be alone with anyone and no benefit to him.

You're also under no obligation to leave your DC with anyone at any age, unless you are confident that they will be happy and safe.

zzzzz · 29/08/2018 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slimmingsnake · 29/08/2018 12:43

Nope