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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm being hypocritical but AIBU

105 replies

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 10:18

Am so prepared to get slated for this.

Old flame of mine recently got married. We were never officially together but we slept together multiple times over the course of a few years. Anyway we have stayed in touch, just as friends.

When he got engaged to their now DW, he carried on messaging me, telling me how much he wants me etc. I was in a bad place (no excuse at all) so went along with it. Phone sex, sexting, meeting up for sex. This went on for about a month until I came to my senses and saw what an absolute bitch I was being. Ended it. We remained friends, JUST friends. Just messaging occasionally, asking eachother how we are etc. He is now married. He got married 2 weeks ago and has recently messaged me, trying it on again. I rejected him. He confessed he had been cheating on her the entire time, and has a mistress who he has seen 4 times since he married his DW and he was on honeymoon for a week of that 2 weeks.

I cannot help but feel absolutely awful for his DW. She knows that he was sexting me a while back (but doesn't know the rest) and banned him from talking to me but he has carried on. One part of me thinks I need to tell her because she cannot spend her life with a cheating husband. But the other part of me knows what a hypocritical little fuck I would be, as I was the other woman 18 months ago.

On a scale of one to ten, how fuming would you be if the woman your husband used to cheat on you with, messaged you to let you know that he was now cheating on you with somebody else?

OP posts:
stillnotTheDoctor · 28/08/2018 10:34

Tbh. If I was her I'd think it was a case of sour grapes.

stillnotTheDoctor · 28/08/2018 10:34

If she knows he was sexting you she's probably aware she's married a cheating git.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 28/08/2018 10:37

Why are you still friends with this guy?

SassitudeandSparkle · 28/08/2018 10:37

So now he's married it is essential for you to do the right thing, OP. Strange timing, and you've been messaging him anyway Hmm

Goth237 · 28/08/2018 10:38

I don't think YABU. Yes, of course she's going to be annoyed and may turn that on you, but you seem to be aware of that possibility. I think you should tell her. You'll get people come on and say that it's none of your business and honestly, I think these are the people that have something to hide themselves. But I think she absolutely needs to know. Maybe you could make a second account on Facebook and take some screenshots of the messages he's sent you (with your name blurred out) and show her? Find some way to let her know that her husband is an arsehole slimeball! And you should also cut contact with him- he sounds absolutely awful and not someone I'd want to be friends with. He's got no boundaries. Good luck OP.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/08/2018 10:40

Your shock at his behaviour is a bit late, surely?

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 10:43

I'm curious also to your motivation here. So you were happy to be involved with him 18 months ago, to be complicit in the cheating till he married her, now you suddenly want to tell her?

Is there some bitterness or jealousy here that he didn't pick you?

StealthPolarBear · 28/08/2018 10:44

You need to stay the hell out of their lives

Veterinari · 28/08/2018 10:46

I actually son’t Think it matters what the op’s Motives are.

The wife is married to a serial cheat. She deserves honesty and the opportunity not to waste years of her life with this creep. Tell her.

OutPinked · 28/08/2018 10:47

I was told by the OW once and I did think she was some bitter old flame at first until I confronted my ex and discovered it was the truth. I then thanked her profusely for the heads up and I’m so glad she did it. He ended up alone, neither of us stayed with him.

It could go either way really. You could tell her and send evidence of his messages but she could still convince herself you’re some jealous, bitter twat. Or you could save her from years of betrayal and potentially dragging children into the mix.

MissusGeneHunt · 28/08/2018 10:48

If I were her I would want to know, but probably not from you (with all due respect). Kind of adds insult to injury.

LittleMissMarker · 28/08/2018 10:48

No you do not need to tell the wife. She already knows in general what kind of man she has married, just as you know what kind of man he is.

What you need to do now is to end your friendship with the husband. No more contact at all. You will be his string-along (or one of his many string-alongs) for as long as you stay in contact with him and lap up whatever he tells you about his marriage and his affairs. Keep out of his life and out of his marriage, yes it is their trainwreck but it doesn't have to be yours. Move on with your own life. Staying in contact with him is doing you nothing but harm.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/08/2018 10:50

She knows that he was sexting me a while back
Sounds like his DW has an inkling.

musicalxo · 28/08/2018 10:50

I got a feeling she knows she married a cheater, but I would tell her nonetheless.

Antigon · 28/08/2018 10:51

It sounds like you think you think what you did was not as bad because he was only engaged. I think what you did was just as bad as what the mistress is doing.

However, the biggest scum here is the married man.

If he's seeing his mistress 4 times in one week then his wife will soon work out what kind of scum he married. She doesn't need any help from you, you've no need to try and salve your conscience by telling her anything. If you want to do anything remotely helpful, stop texting him, even if it's 'just friends'.

Loonoon · 28/08/2018 11:03

I would block him now, delete her number too and mind your own business from now on. What she does and doesn’t know about her DH is between him and her. It’s absolutley nothing to do with you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/08/2018 11:04

Stay out of it.

HesterShaw1 · 28/08/2018 11:11

God, that there are men like this :(

Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 11:12

Bluntness100 - I ended it with him, not the other way around. I do not want him.

I was very happy for him that he got married, I thought he had changed and I was happy for her too as she deserves to have a husband who is loyal to her. But now I've found out he is cheating on her again, after he promised he wouldn't last time she found out (about me).

I know I was a terrible person in the past, and I should never have been the OW but I'm trying to change that now and be a better person.

I just don't want it to get to the point of there being kids in the mix, and her finding out in 10 years time and being in an even worse position than she is now.

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePanties · 28/08/2018 11:17

I ended it with him, not the other way around. I do not want him.

But you stayed friends with him.

I know I was a terrible person in the past, and I should never have been the OW but I'm trying to change that now and be a better person.

Trying to be a better person by staying friends with a guy who cheats on his fiancée with you.

If you truly gave a shit about her or being a good person, you would have ended the "friendship" with this guy long ago, and you wouldn't be in this situation.

By all means, send her a message, but don't expect her to believe you.

Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 11:21

@TheHulksPurplePanties we were friends for a long time. To be honest we are more acquaintances now, we speak so rarely it's just exchanging messages every few months catching up.

I'm not friends with his wife, nor have I ever been.

I wasn't doing anything wrong by answering him when he asks how i am every 6 months or so, but I can see from the replies it would be better if I was NC.

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/08/2018 11:22

If you were really concerned about her, you should have told her the full extent of the affair before she got married. Not now.

Of course he didn't change. You ended with him. He was happy cheating, so he continued with someone else.
Did you think you were special?

Oakmaiden · 28/08/2018 11:23

Do you actually know her? As in, from before your "ex flame" got together with her?

StealthPolarBear · 28/08/2018 11:24

Get on with your own life and stay out of their drama

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/08/2018 11:24

It sounds like you are wanting to come clean now because he has found someone else (mistress not DW).

Did you think you were his only bit on the side.

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