I know I'm being hypocritical but AIBU

[Ruby37]

Am so prepared to get slated for this.

Old flame of mine recently got married. We were never officially together but we slept together multiple times over the course of a few years. Anyway we have stayed in touch, just as friends.

When he got engaged to their now DW, he carried on messaging me, telling me how much he wants me etc. I was in a bad place (no excuse at all) so went along with it. Phone sex, sexting, meeting up for sex. This went on for about a month until I came to my senses and saw what an absolute bitch I was being. Ended it. We remained friends, JUST friends. Just messaging occasionally, asking eachother how we are etc. He is now married. He got married 2 weeks ago and has recently messaged me, trying it on again. I rejected him. He confessed he had been cheating on her the entire time, and has a mistress who he has seen 4 times since he married his DW and he was on honeymoon for a week of that 2 weeks.

I cannot help but feel absolutely awful for his DW. She knows that he was sexting me a while back (but doesn't know the rest) and banned him from talking to me but he has carried on. One part of me thinks I need to tell her because she cannot spend her life with a cheating husband. But the other part of me knows what a hypocritical little fuck I would be, as I was the other woman 18 months ago.

On a scale of one to ten, how fuming would you be if the woman your husband used to cheat on you with, messaged you to let you know that he was now cheating on you with somebody else?

@Veterinari thank you. You are right. I will tell her. Also, thanks for not being rude. I'm not doing any of this for my own gain, I just think it will get so much worse the longer she is married to him, and if she had kids etc. I know I have been immature and a shitty person in the past by sleeping with a man in a relationship but I am trying to move past this now, and I just want to do the right thing.

ruby37 well congratulations on your restraint! I still don't see what you get out of this "friendship" with a frankly unpleasant person, and stand by my comments about sorting your life out emotionally. You really have no need for this person to be in your life, there are better friends out there.

As she knows you've been sexting and probably guessed more went on
She obviously lives with him now and knows his character
She wouldn't believe you if you told her so if I were you I'd stay away.. and stop messaging.. sooner or later you will end up having sex again
Move on and find a man who's available

You're bonkers - not to mention being seriously unethical - to still be 'friends' with him.

I think he sounds like the type to gaslight, love bomb and use emotional persuasion.l etc etc.
If he has so little guilt that he can see his mistress 4 times since the wedding 2 weeks ago then I'm sure he can sweet talk the wife and be so utterly convincing.

He has probably convinced his DW the sexting was a mistake, a one off, banter gone to far bla bla bla and that's as far as it did or ever would go.

We all know from many threads on here that some men are capable of this so why are so many so quick to condemn the wife as someone who has stupidly gone in to it turning a blind eye?

Vet good point about stds and I have changed my mind, agree with you. There are people who love stirring up drama, but whatever the ops motivations, telling him is the right thing

Thanks for all your comments/opinions. I am going to tell her, simply due to the real chance of them having kids/him giving her an STI. Especially thanks to those of you who were polite. I've had enough mumsnet-ing to last me the rest of my life I think.

I wasn't very polite

I think that in the scale of OW, OP is getting some unduly harsh responses here given that she is neither:

• justifying the relationship
• excessively defending her own part in it
• claiming any sort of grand emotional nonsense happened in the first place

She did a shitty thing, but I think some people' are desperate to see some grand evil or bitterness or jealousy because it's easier than realising that betrayal can be so shabby and ordinary.

I'm with the camp that thinks it doesn't matter why the OP wants to tell. The potential outcomes are:

• OP doesn't tell. Wife never finds out, husband never gives her an STI, they have kids and somehow scrape together a happily ever after.
• OP doesn't tell. Wife finds out another way, maybe after they've had kids.
• OP does tell. Wife sticks with him, has shitty life with a cheater.
• OP does tell. Wife leaves (may or may not be mad at OP), gets out before she has kids but is free to choose a better life.

Only two of those outcomes have a happy ending. The first is incredibly far fetched and has a foundation of lies and secrecy. The last is incredibly painful for the wife, but gives her a hope in hell of avoiding the first three.

OP has no responsibility, and there are many more factors at play here, but in NONE of those scenarios it matters what the OP did.

Why are you still friends with this guy?

My thought exactly. Telling her anything will just prolong the agony. I would cut off contact with both of them and move on.

Three whole days ago, I didn’t realise self righteousness needed so little time to develop.

Unless you have proof he is cheating on her, don't say a thing about it. It could be a story he has made up to get you back or make you jealous, or just because he thinks it makes him look good.
What you should do is confess to the DW that you slept with her husband and that he has asked you to start up your affair again.
Or just keep out of it and save your phoney sympathy for someone else

I also think you should tell her, but only with irrefutable evidence (otherwise it's just an unpleasant headscrewing exercise for her).

Send any evidence you have on your first communication so she doesn't have to reply to you. Keep it short and factual and not about you waffling on apologising.

Then stay away from this man and his messages for ever more (and anyone like him). You can be much better than this

I agree with telling her. Provide what proof you have. Apologize for your part in the deception he’s played on her and wish her happiness in whatever path she chooses.

Tell her that if she has questions she has 48 hours or message you with them. After which you will block her and will never contact or bother her again.

Good luck. And please keep searching for the right meds for your BP. There are new meds out there that are working wonders. Peace.

@SleepWarrior I've messaged her the screenshots of him confessing to me, I've apologised for the fact he has done this and just said I felt I had to for her sake. She has now blocked me, I don't know what will happen next. I blocked him a few days ago as I was uncomfortable with his advances. Hopefully it works out for her. Thanks for your advice x

So his messaging you 'every 6 months or so' to ask how you are has now become 'his advances'?

@Antigon if you read my post you will have read that recently he started trying to sleep with me again etc - before then it was just every 6 months or so :) thanks for your input, please read next time you comment!

Well done. Now put them both out of your mind and get on with your real life.

Hope the meds get sorted soon.

Who cares what the OPs motives are for telling this poor woman, she has a right to know and if you don't want to tell her ask someone else to. Trust me I'm sure she would rather know than be taken for a mug for months or years, possibly starts a family etc and then be left devastated with kids aswell as a divorce to go through. He is a cheating scumbags and doesn't deserve to get away with what he is doing.

You’ve done the right thing. What she chooses to do now is up to her, I wouldn’t block her back as she might have some questions once she has digested this.

Try to make sure you’ve blocked him everywhere, because if she tells him he’s going to be furious.

Then try to put it all behind you. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and move forward.

Make sure your DP is a good man and that you really love him, if you don’t, then break up with him and move on before either of you does something regrettable.

Life’s difficult enough without BP, BP is very challenging, I hope you can get your meds sorted 🌷

Well done. And you have now cut all contact with them (I'd also block the wife to make sure) and can put it all behind you.

although annie makes a good case for not blocking the wife...but don't initiate contact again...

I think you did the right thing.

Ruby

Think I'm going to stay out of it - fall out no worth it for my mental health

Glad you can separate yourself, and definitely keep trying with your BP meds. Your health is by far the most important thing, your peace of mind is precious and priceless.

Well done for telling her - right choice. Make sure you have blocked them both, never have any contact with him again. Move on with your life. Whatever the poor wife decides to do she at least isn't in the dark. Now it is firmly in her hands, and in the 'not your business' pile. No point looking back now, only forward.