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AIBU?

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Original poster

I know I'm being hypocritical but AIBU

105 replies

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 10:18

Am so prepared to get slated for this.

Old flame of mine recently got married. We were never officially together but we slept together multiple times over the course of a few years. Anyway we have stayed in touch, just as friends.

When he got engaged to their now DW, he carried on messaging me, telling me how much he wants me etc. I was in a bad place (no excuse at all) so went along with it. Phone sex, sexting, meeting up for sex. This went on for about a month until I came to my senses and saw what an absolute bitch I was being. Ended it. We remained friends, JUST friends. Just messaging occasionally, asking eachother how we are etc. He is now married. He got married 2 weeks ago and has recently messaged me, trying it on again. I rejected him. He confessed he had been cheating on her the entire time, and has a mistress who he has seen 4 times since he married his DW and he was on honeymoon for a week of that 2 weeks.

I cannot help but feel absolutely awful for his DW. She knows that he was sexting me a while back (but doesn't know the rest) and banned him from talking to me but he has carried on. One part of me thinks I need to tell her because she cannot spend her life with a cheating husband. But the other part of me knows what a hypocritical little fuck I would be, as I was the other woman 18 months ago.

On a scale of one to ten, how fuming would you be if the woman your husband used to cheat on you with, messaged you to let you know that he was now cheating on you with somebody else?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 11:26

I have to say you do seem to suddenly care very deeply for this woman you've never met and whose husband you shagged.

Are you single?

Sparklesocks · 28/08/2018 11:28

I don't think you should have him in your life. He sees you as an option that he'll occasionally tap up for sex.

And I think it's best you leave them alone.

Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 11:28

@Oakmaiden no I don't, literally never even met the woman.

@Lweji nope, never thought I was special. I was just young and naive. Thought it was exciting at the time, grew out of it sharpish.

@Oliversmumsarmy didn't bother me whether I was his only OW or not. Just now feel bad for the woman because he promised her he would stop but he hasnt.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 28/08/2018 11:29

I would want to know.

Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 11:30

@Bluntness100 I just feel guilty I suppose. I will admit, at the time I didn't care about her, and it's not necessarily about even caring about her now because I don't, I just feel bad for her.

And no, I'm not single.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/08/2018 11:30

Just block him. Don't kid yourself that you're worried about his wife being shat on. It's not so long ago that you were doing the shitting.

LuvSmallDogs · 28/08/2018 11:32

Sounds like you’re a bit gutted you weren’t special and he’ll happily replace you with other women to cheat with. Just stay away from them both.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/08/2018 11:32

None of this is on you op

You don't owe him nor her any loyalty, you can't police his morals so dont bother
Block him and move on

DolorestheNewt · 28/08/2018 11:33

I think perhaps you need to examine your motives a bit more. If I were considering doing this, I would suspect that I wouldn't really have her best interests at heart, I'd just be shit stirring for the sake of a bit of drama, so I would probably hold back. But I'm not judging you by my own low standards, I'm just saying that would be me.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/08/2018 11:34

Feeling awful for the wife now is nothing more than your own guilt and quite possibly resentment at how easily you were replaced because it hammers home the fact that you were just a convenient shag, nothing more.

You could do with being a bit more discerning when choosing your "friends" IMO. Your standards are low if you consider someone who's a liar and a cheat to be a friend.

Say nothing, move on and stop contact. This will eventually blow up and when it does it'd probably be better for you if you're no longer part of his life.

bringbacksideburns · 28/08/2018 11:34

Keep your mouth shut.

Concentrate on your own relationship and block him off everything.

He's a dickhead.

Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 11:35

@DolorestheNewt I get what you're saying. I wouldn't be involved in the drama because I have nothing to do with them at all irl. Think I might just leave it, think it will be more hassle than it's worth. She will find out in her own time, I imagine.

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 28/08/2018 11:35

tell her.
acknowledge to her that it might seem a bit self-serving for you, and that you'd understand if she thought you were just doing it out of bitterness/jealousy.

but tell her anyway.

she can then do what she wants with the information.

DolorestheNewt · 28/08/2018 11:38

She will find out in her own time, I imagine. Yes, I suspect so!

Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 11:44

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe I know I was just a convenient shag. Luckily he was the same for me, so its not a big deal.
Yes the guilt is for what I did, I only ask because I think I would want to know - even if it did have to come from the other woman.

I'm not bitter about it, I was happy he was happy.

OP posts:
Jux · 28/08/2018 11:45

I'm not bothered about your motivation. I think that if she knows now then it'll save her a lot of heartache in the future. Do they have children? Best get it over with.

Send her screenshots of his texts, especially the one where he admits he has a mistress and has already cheated on her since the wedding.

She'll hate you forever, mind, but that's understandable really, isn't it?

Gersemi · 28/08/2018 11:49

Given this man's attitude to casual sex, she may need to get tested for STDs.

puzzledlady · 28/08/2018 11:50

I would be questioning your motives here. Sorry Op. sounds like you’re bitter and a bit jealous he married someone else.

Antigon · 28/08/2018 11:50

I was happy for her too as she deserves to have a husband who is loyal to her.

She deserved a fiancé who was loyal to her too.

But now I've found out he is cheating on her again, after he promised he wouldn't last time she found out (about me).

Promised who? Her? You sound insufferable OP.

mowglik · 28/08/2018 11:56

I disagree that you should stay out of it, if anything you owe it to her to tell her before she gets further embroiled with this man, esp before they have kids.

No one deserves to be born into a messed up relationship like this.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 11:58

I'm not bitter about it, I was happy he was happy

And yet now you wish to end his marriage.

Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 11:59

@Jux no kids, yet. Don't know if they are planning on them. My guilt probs comes from my dad cheating on my mother, and her not finding out til my brother and I were 9 and 6 respectively. Ah, sweet sweet daddy issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 12:00

@Bluntness100 don't want to end their marriage, just think I owe it to her to let her know her husband is cheating on her before they bring kids into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 12:00

@Antigon I agree - I shouldn't have been OW. Im not defending myself.

And he promised her he wouldn't cheat on her again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 12:01

@puzzledlady I wouldn't want to be married to him.

OP posts:
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