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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I'm being hypocritical but AIBU

105 replies

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 10:18

Am so prepared to get slated for this.

Old flame of mine recently got married. We were never officially together but we slept together multiple times over the course of a few years. Anyway we have stayed in touch, just as friends.

When he got engaged to their now DW, he carried on messaging me, telling me how much he wants me etc. I was in a bad place (no excuse at all) so went along with it. Phone sex, sexting, meeting up for sex. This went on for about a month until I came to my senses and saw what an absolute bitch I was being. Ended it. We remained friends, JUST friends. Just messaging occasionally, asking eachother how we are etc. He is now married. He got married 2 weeks ago and has recently messaged me, trying it on again. I rejected him. He confessed he had been cheating on her the entire time, and has a mistress who he has seen 4 times since he married his DW and he was on honeymoon for a week of that 2 weeks.

I cannot help but feel absolutely awful for his DW. She knows that he was sexting me a while back (but doesn't know the rest) and banned him from talking to me but he has carried on. One part of me thinks I need to tell her because she cannot spend her life with a cheating husband. But the other part of me knows what a hypocritical little fuck I would be, as I was the other woman 18 months ago.

On a scale of one to ten, how fuming would you be if the woman your husband used to cheat on you with, messaged you to let you know that he was now cheating on you with somebody else?

OP posts:

Pinkandproud · 28/08/2018 12:03

I would tell her. In a way it doesn’t really matter what the motivations are. There are plenty of women on here who have the shock finding out their OH is cheating, and some who suspect but never had the evidence... I bet they wished they knew years ago instead of wasting years of their lives. And definitely before having children.

Original poster

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 12:04

Thank you @Pinkandproud xx

OP posts:

Artichoke18 · 28/08/2018 12:06

I agree with Jux whatever OP's deeper motives if she has any proof he is still cheating she should send it. Much easier to leave a child free marriage after a few months than finding out when she's pregnant or 10 years later. If it was just one pre marriage fling I wouldn't say that but for a serial cheater, well he won't get better will he

daisychain01 · 28/08/2018 12:08

So where are you in your life, Ruby? Are you content with how things have panned out for you?

If so, then why do you allow any of this past crap occupy any waking thought and crowd your head space, I just don't get it. Life is complex enough without adding extra layers of drama.

Move forward, cease all contact, it really is that simple, even if you try to convince yourself it isn't. Just.Let.Go.

You probably won't take this on board because it doesn't suit your narrative, a constant need for attention focussed on you. But if you want to stop wasting your life on non-value add emotion, that's what you need to do.

From today.

PieAndPumpkins · 28/08/2018 12:09

I didn't want to read and run, so just my quick thoughts.

I would message her and screen shot the texts, just say you were young and stupid and you deeply regret your behaviour. You are in a relationship yourself and have nothing to gain from this interaction, other than clearing your conscience in letting her know who she's married to before children come into the mix etc. You will block the cheating git DH and never interact with him again. Best of luck to her, so sorry once again.

picklepost · 28/08/2018 12:16

they sound quite well matched actually. he cheats, she knows it - and accepts it. are you missing being involved?

Notonthestairs · 28/08/2018 12:17

I dont think your motivations matter - send her the information and then block him and walk away. In her place I would want to know before I had children or made further plans for my/our future.

Roussette · 28/08/2018 12:17

How can you go from being friends for years, sleeping together on occasion, getting on really well - so much so, he confides in you about other women... to wanting to dob him in.

I don't get it. You must feel aggrieved because you're the last person who should be doing this, you were the OW after all. Not only would his DW have to deal with you but having to hear this from you of all people would be awful. Because she knows about you, she will be aware of what he's like. You must hate him now for some reason

Walk away. Cut him out your life. Start again.

Original poster

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 12:20

@daisychain01 content, happy with DP. Suffer from bipolar and am struggling to find meds that work for me at the moment so guilt is probably related to my chronic over thinking due to not being on meds that work for me. Think I'm going to stay out of it - fall out no worth it for my mental health.

OP posts:

TiffinBox · 28/08/2018 12:21

Block his number and move on.

PerfectPenquins · 28/08/2018 12:26

If you have proof then I would sen the screenshots. Then block her if you wish but give her a chance and send the evidence so she can choose what she wants to do after that.

AgentJohnson · 28/08/2018 12:26

For someone who has supposedly grown up a lot since being the OW, by not blocking him, you’ve shown you’ve got a fair amount of growing up still to do.

Original poster

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 12:28

@AgentJohnson he was blocked 3 days ago, but thanks

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMoose · 28/08/2018 12:30

I’d apologise (again?) then, say that since you been ‘just friends’ he’s told you about the ow (dumping him in it for still talking to you). Explain you’ll know it’ll look like sour grapes, but it’s not, you’re done with him, but that you thought she deserved to know he hasn’t changed and that he’s cheating - attach the proof.

She needs to be told. STI’s, possible pregnancy, etc etc but also because she will (I’m pretty sure) be able to get the marriage annulled should she wish to.

It wouldn’t bother me to hear it from you anymore than anyone else.

Get tested by because you don’t know where else either of them have been...and going by his record, he has probably been around more than you know.

Lweji · 28/08/2018 12:30

I would agree that she should be told.

However, she caught him sexting, banned him from contacting the OW, and happily married him. This suggests to me that she doesn't want to know.

Original poster

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 12:33

@AnnieAnoniMoose haven't slept with him in a long while so I'm safe thank god (was tested shortly after I stopped sleeping with him)

But thank you for your advice, I appreciate it

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 12:38

don't want to end their marriage, just think I owe it to her to let her know her husband is cheating on her before they bring kids into it

What do you feel the impact will be of telling her if it's not to end her marriage?

Veterinari · 28/08/2018 12:40

I think it’s sad that there are women in this thread who would rather leave another woman exposed to the risks of STDs, and wasting her life/bringing kids into a marriage with a cheat, than suggest the OP outs him as ‘it’s not her place’

They seem to be the same people who also don’t believe that a person can reflect on and learn from their previous poor behaviour.

Do you seriously think that writing the OP off as a bad person for the rest of her life and leaving the DW in ignorance of the extent of the kind of man she’s Married is a nice thing to do?

Justmuddlingalong · 28/08/2018 12:42

The wife knows what he's like. She still chose to marry him despite knowing. But she knows.

PieAndPumpkins · 28/08/2018 12:43

Completely agree @Veterinari. I actually believe at this point OP owes it to this woman to finally be mature and considerate of someone else. Blocking the cheating bastard three lousy days ago was minimum 18 months too late.

viques · 28/08/2018 12:52

Their relationship is sweet fa to do with you.

I think you need to spend a little bit of time reflecting on your own connections with this cocklodger. I can see what he gets out of it, a bit of cheap phone sex and an occasional shag but I am at a loss to see why you are hanging on to this sad little excuse for a "friendship" . Have a bit of pride in yourself, find a better way to boost your self esteem and go out and find your self a grown up relationship.

Original poster

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 12:56

@viques if you had read the post you will have seen that I haven't slept with him in well over 18 months.

OP posts:

M3lon · 28/08/2018 12:57

Agree with vet. Send the recent exchange, apologise for not having blocked sooner, tell her you have now blocked.

Original poster

Ruby37 · 28/08/2018 13:02

@M3lon thank you for the advice.

OP posts:

OctaviaOctober · 28/08/2018 13:05

It's up to you. I can't help but feel an element of jealousy may be involved. She knows you were "sexting" but not that you actually had sex with him, but now you want to tell her he's having sex with someone else?

I'd say tell her if you want to, as long as you're sure he won't get aggressive with you. But she won't thank you.

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