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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by DH’s confession

99 replies

Bumbledop · 28/08/2018 09:22

This is my first post here, I’m a bit of a lurker really! This is something I wouldn’t discuss with anyone in RL, but feel the need to get off my chest.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, together for nearly 30. We have two DC together. We are happily married and I love him very much. I won’t bore anyone with how this conversation came about, but he has told me that about 8 years ago he had a bit of a flirtation with a woman he worked with.

He says she was naturally flirtatious with everyone not just him, but that ina night out she made a serious pass at him. He was embarrassed as he felt it had all just been harmless fun up til then. I know these things happen, but what has upset me is that he admitted that he found her attractive.

He says it’s normal to find other women attractive, but I’m feeling fat and unattractive now! He reminded me that I also find other men attractive and will joke about it, but that’s more men on the telly IYKWIM.

I know he didn’t have an affair, I think she scared him half to death when she made a pass. He’s a good man really.

Would you be upset by this??

OP posts:

Frogscotch7 · 28/08/2018 09:25

He’s an idiot for saying he found her attractive. That’s the only thing that would bother me. If he had half a brain he’d say she’s not my type and that would be the end of it. So yanbu.

Thehop · 28/08/2018 09:25

No not at all. He’s right, it is normal to fancy people. He’s obviously very devoted to you, you really must work through this and get past it

TheDogAteMyPants · 28/08/2018 09:25

Not really. Married men and women do find other people attractive. I’d only be worried if he’d acted on it. Sounds like he thought the flirting was harmless and what she did with everyone, and when it transpired it wasn’t, he ran a mile.

Ihavethepower · 28/08/2018 09:26

No. I wouldn't expect my partner to find me to be the only attractive woman in the world. It would be odd if he did!

Sunnyshores · 28/08/2018 09:28

So a woman he found attractive made a pass at him - and he said no. Think yourself lucky you have such a decent husband!

staffiegirl · 28/08/2018 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonysSnicket · 28/08/2018 09:34

I think he was just trying to be totally honest, tbh. I'm sure I would be a bit upset but he's right, it is normal to find other people attracted and he clearly rejected her advance so I don't think I could hold it against him.

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2018 09:37

No, I wouldn't. Just because you're married doesn't mean you don't find other people attractive. A woman he found attractive made a pass at him; he turned her down. Sounds like he loves you. I'd be very flattered and happy to hear that.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 28/08/2018 09:39

Honestly, no, it wouldn't bother me at all. We both talk about who we find attractive, male and female, and I find other people attractive all the time, because I'm not dead. It was years ago, he didn't even come slightly close to cheating, and he sounds, if anything, terminally honest!

Attraction isn't a zero sum game - the fact he found someone else attractive doesnt mean he doesn't think you're hot stuff. If you'd like to feel better about yourself, by all means take action to make that happen, but let this one go.

RainySeptember · 28/08/2018 09:43

Well a similar thing happened to my xp. Except he shagged her, embarked on an affair and was ultimately asked to leave.

So, whilst you're not going to be thrilled by the revelation, I don't think you should be disproportionately upset : he had his chance and said no. He's one of the good ones surely?

And so what if he found her attractive. You say the conversation 'came about' so I assume he didn't just blurt it out to upset you. You're being a bit unrealistic if you don't think that he finds other women attractive I think.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/08/2018 09:46

As my dear old mum used to say, being married doesn't stop you being attracted to other people, but it should alter what you do about it.

Frogscotch7 · 28/08/2018 09:54

It’s one thing to find other people attractive (and normal, I agree).

It’s another to say we flirted...she made a serious pass....AND I found her attractive. Duh. Even if it’s true, why tell your wife that? Is she supposed to feel grateful?

MagicFajita · 28/08/2018 10:01

I also don't understand why he's told you this op , I find that suspicious.

If it was nothing and was so long ago , he surely has no reason to tell you now.

Kittykat93 · 28/08/2018 10:03

Why the hell is he telling you 8 years later?? This happened to me a couple of years ago - a guy fancied me at work and made a pass which I rejected. I told my partner straight away, but also made it very clear I had no feelings and he was not my type at all. Telling you he found her attractive seems like he's trying to make you jealous for some reason? It's just odd.

Gottagetmoving · 28/08/2018 10:04

What on earth was his motive in telling you this?
There was no need to unsettle you after all this time.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 28/08/2018 10:11

Neither are unreasonable.

He's not unreasonable for finding her attractive. I think we often forget finding one person attractive doesn't make another person less attractive.

However, it's perfectly reasonable it's upsetting to you because let's face it we do just want our partner to have eyes for us.

I think he's probably learnt a valuable lesson about flirting and you've learnt that he may find other women attractive, but it's you he wants to be with.

RufflingFeathers · 28/08/2018 10:16

I'm not sure why people think it's so bad that he said he found the lady attractive.
I'm not surprised he didn't mention it straight away - he probably had very conflicted emotions in response to it.
None of us are robots - we're all vulnerable to temptation, but we do have a choice about how we respond to it and it sounds like your DH responded honourably.

You could go back to him and ask why he didn't feel able to tell you earlier, but I wouldn't be overly perplexed that he was attracted to someone else.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/08/2018 10:17

There's a difference between finding someone attractive off the TV or walking down the street even and someone you work(ed) with who made a pass at you!

Of course you were upset by this ridiculous confession.

lurkingfromhome · 28/08/2018 10:18

Not unreasonable for finding her attractive. Very unreasonable to have told you. Who would not find that hurtful? What was it supposed to achieve?

There is quite a big difference between fancying men/women on the telly and having a laugh about it, and fancying people in real life who have just made a pass at you. I think there is such a thing as too much honesty - being honest and open does not give you a licence to be hurtful and unkind.

OutPinked · 28/08/2018 10:19

I’d be most concerned by him randomly coming out with this after almost a decade, why the sudden guilty conscience?

He also made a mistake admitting he found her attractive. He should have said she wasn’t his type but again, he should have told you at the time...

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 28/08/2018 10:20

You can look at the menu, you can't sample the dish, that's the rule in our relationship. I would be lying to DH if I said I never found another man attractive, and I think its a bit unreasonable to think he may never find another woman attractive.

That being said I don't think you are BU to feel the way you do, especially as he didn't mention it at the time, it makes it something bigger than it is.

Original poster

Bumbledop · 28/08/2018 10:27

Thank you for all your replies. I will respond properly later.

I can understand why a lot of posters are finding it odd that he should have told me after nearly a decade. We were talking about unusual names, she has a name I have never heard before and mentioned her because of her name. He went really quiet and blushed!!! I just knew something had gone on so he had to tell me to stop my imagination running riot which it did!! He didn’t mention it before because he didn’t want me to worry about him working with her.

OP posts:

SassitudeandSparkle · 28/08/2018 10:27

Were you quizzing him, OP? I'm getting a vibe that you might have been pressing him for an answer or have started the discussion yourself. If you did, was there a reason for that (not necessarily that you were feeling suspicious) because you seem to feel that it reflects more on you than him - saying you feel fat and unattractive when your DH rejected this woman completely.

Or - is it a reverse?

SassitudeandSparkle · 28/08/2018 10:29

Cross post there I see how it came up now. Slight quizzing but I can see why.

Blobby10 · 28/08/2018 10:30

My darling Grandma used to say "just because you have plucked the fairest flower, it doesn't mean you can't admire those in other people's gardens".

You are both human and it is natural to find other people attractive! its even natural to flirt but when you are in a strong and happy relationship like you sounds like you are with your DH then that's as far as it ever goes.

I wouldn't be bothered about the time delay - surely it means he didn't consider it of any importance! If he had come home from his night out and said "wow Ms X came on to me" would you have been extra suspicious and certain that something had happened between them?

Please don't allow your own feelings of self-loathing see things that aren't there and jeopardise something which very few of us are lucky enough to experience. (from a slightly envious 50 year old divorcee after 20 years of marriage who is wondering if she will (or even wants to) grow old and grey with anyone)

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