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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by DH’s confession

99 replies

Bumbledop · 28/08/2018 09:22

This is my first post here, I’m a bit of a lurker really! This is something I wouldn’t discuss with anyone in RL, but feel the need to get off my chest.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, together for nearly 30. We have two DC together. We are happily married and I love him very much. I won’t bore anyone with how this conversation came about, but he has told me that about 8 years ago he had a bit of a flirtation with a woman he worked with.

He says she was naturally flirtatious with everyone not just him, but that ina night out she made a serious pass at him. He was embarrassed as he felt it had all just been harmless fun up til then. I know these things happen, but what has upset me is that he admitted that he found her attractive.

He says it’s normal to find other women attractive, but I’m feeling fat and unattractive now! He reminded me that I also find other men attractive and will joke about it, but that’s more men on the telly IYKWIM.

I know he didn’t have an affair, I think she scared him half to death when she made a pass. He’s a good man really.

Would you be upset by this??

OP posts:

YearOfYouRemember · 28/08/2018 10:31

Don't let this become bigger than it needs to be. Tell him how you feel about what he has said and then learn that people can only make you feel what you allow them too. Don't let him make you feel shit. He fancied someone. Allowed. He's admitted what happened. Fine. He confessed he found her attractive. Idiot.

81Byerley · 28/08/2018 10:39

I think how you are feeling is entirely reasonable, I'd probably feel the same. It's normal to be jealous, but it's also normal to find other people attractive. You need to talk it over with him. He needs to know how unsettled it has made you, and it sounds like you need a bit more reassurance from him. It sounds like your self esteem needs a bit of a boost.

Orchiddingme · 28/08/2018 10:48

All his responses are entirely normal, but I also get that it's hurtful to hear. That's why I don't mention any handsome attractive men at my work to my husband, because I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm pretty sure he also find other women attractive, it would be odd if he didn't, but it's difficult when it gets personal like this. In short- he's not wrong, you are not wrong either! Don't let it spoil what you have though.

AgentJohnson · 28/08/2018 10:48

Don’t let how you currently feel about yourself influence your response. If you feel fat and frumpy, do something about it.

waterrat · 28/08/2018 11:02

IF you believe him and he honestly had a flirtation with a woman he found attractive but pulled back as soon as he realised she was coming on to him - then he is a good and honest man.

It would be a dull life if the moment we got married the whole world lost its attraction. Be realistic - there are still good looking people out there!

And we are all human - if someone attractive is flirting then it is natural to enjoy it - I think flirting gently is allowed within a marriage though I personally would NOT want to know about it!

What I would hope is that my husband would never let another woman actually think he preferred her or really had a thing for her as that is disrespectful.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/08/2018 11:05

I think that conversation would have hurt most women's ears, but here's the thing, he stayed loyal, because he loves YOU.
Time for you to vamp yourself up OP, not for your DH, but for yourself, you sound a little bit unhappy at present. I suggest you go out and treat yourself, to a new you ! 🌸

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 11:06

It’s really hurtful that he didn’t tell you at the time.

Agree that passing comment on attractive people on TV is different from RL.

Also, it seems unlikely that a colleague would make a pass unless your H had already crossed boundaries in some way.

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 11:07

Flirting at work when in a relationship is grim, and disrespectful to your partner.

MirriVan · 28/08/2018 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PercySugden · 28/08/2018 11:22

Going to go against the grain here and say that in a committed relationship, nobody should find anyone else attractive. I have been married nearly 30 years and have never fancied anyone else. I would be extremely upset if DH had. I know he finds celebs on TV attractive and even that is very hurtful as I age.

I understand where you are coming from OP.

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 28/08/2018 11:30

If he wasn't attracted to her it would have been easy to say no.

He was attracted to her and said no.

I think you need to find a way to let it go. Let yourself be upset, let it out them move on. Don't let this come between you, it's a non event.

in a committed relationship, nobody should find anyone else attractive this is unrealistic.

ParisNext · 28/08/2018 11:34

You should be pleased you have such a good husband! His blushes show he uncomfortable he felt. True liars don't blush! You must not make something of this as it was not his fault. The workplace is full of different types of relationships. It is normal to find people attractive whether you are married or not; getting married isn't a physical change in your body just a commitment to not do anything about it!

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 11:46

Flirting with a colleague he was attracted to and lying by omission for many years isn’t “being a good husband”!

Jux · 28/08/2018 11:54

Cleave thee only to thyself doesn't mean stop all brain activity. You are being an immature idiot.

BarbarianMum · 28/08/2018 11:56

It's a marriage not a police state Loopy. He doesn't have to come home and debrief the OP every day about who he met and found attractive or that the serial flirter in the office (we have one too) flirted with him.

BarbarianMum · 28/08/2018 11:58

And thinking that someone wont make a pass at you unless youve "asked for it" is really naive.

waterrat · 28/08/2018 12:04

Just because some people go through 30 years without finding anyone else attractive - how can you commit to never thinking someone else is good looking?! We can't control who we find attractive.

To be honest - maybe he didn't behave his best but in 30 years I think people can make minor mistakes.

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 12:05

Someone making a pass is (usually!) a rare event: unreasonable not to disclose it. Why lie by omission if there was nothing in his actions to hide?

OP’s H has (many years on) admitted to having flirted with the woman. The most likely explanation in this specific case is therefore that the woman genuinely thought something might happen, until OP’s H rejected her advances.

LuluJakey1 · 28/08/2018 12:07

It is normal to find other people attractive sometimes. Sometimes you can develop osmething called 'limerance'. I was besotted with a bloke at work who was younger than me, very flirty and I was overwhelmed by how attractive I found him.
I didn't tell DH but he knew - I had mentionitis and he has made a few remarks about him.I would never have risked our marriage for it but I was obsessed. I would wonder what living with him would be like, every glance and word assumed significance. He definitely fancied me - but not seriously. He would email me songs, quotes and things to read, jokes, come to see me in my office, have 'ideas' for us to work on things, make a beeline for me on nights out. It kind of existed absolutely separate from my marriage, almost like it wasn't real at all. Nothing happened, (I would never have let it but I was flattered) and it wore off thank goodness when I went on maternity leave. It was painful to think I was never going to be with him but when I next saw him when DS was several months old, I couldn't imagine how I had been so besotted, or at all attracted to him.
DH has referred to him as 'Mr Fancy Lad who you had a little crush on'.

Beaverhausen · 28/08/2018 12:12

I have to agree with some of the ladies here, if we all took offence to our partners eyeing up someone more attractive or mentioning that they think someone is pretty what is the use of being in a relationship.

I am ok looking but even i think to myself sometimes "mmmm the things I could do to you".

Our partners will look we can not dictate who they or we can look or find attractive as it will then make for a very unhealthy relationship. You need to be a lot more secure in yourself the problem is not with your partner. You should give him kudos for being offended that she assumed it was more than just a bit of flirting.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 12:12

Do you normally suffer with low self esteem and jealousy?

Of course it's normal to find other people attractive. Getting married doesn't mean you're suddenly dead below the waist and can't see past the ray of sheer sexiness that is your partner for the rest of your life.

I'm surprised anyone would think that their spouse could never find any human attractive other than them. It's either hopeless naivety, deluded wishful thinking or mind boggling arrogance.

ILoveHumanity · 28/08/2018 12:16

Ask him if he finds you attractive and what he loves about u and that shall make u feel better

I’m sure he finds you wayyyy more attractive and it goes well beyond looks too . Which is why he loves you.

If you are worried you are insecure about your looks then it mivht be affecting your confidence and just remember that confidence is the most attractive thing about a partner

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 12:17

I have been married nearly 30 years and have never fancied anyone else. I would be extremely upset if DH had. I know he finds celebs on TV attractive and even that is very hurtful as I age

That's actually a little concerning. Of course he has been attracted to others, but to be very hurt he finds some celeb attractive is a whole different level of insecurity. 💐

bumhead · 28/08/2018 12:18

Not sure why so many posters think he deserves a rosette for not fucking this other woman. The reality is he isn't SUPPOSED to.
He admits he flirted with her, got drunk with her and fancied her.
She had good reason to think he'd be up for it.
Maybe he should think about not putting himself in that situation with other women again. Perhaps that should be standard.

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 12:25

Nothing wrong at all with fancying other people in RL.

Lots wrong though with acting on it by flirting with them.

Lying by omission about someone making a physical pass is also not on, except perhaps where a spouse has form for major jealousy issues.

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