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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by DH’s confession

99 replies

Bumbledop · 28/08/2018 09:22

This is my first post here, I’m a bit of a lurker really! This is something I wouldn’t discuss with anyone in RL, but feel the need to get off my chest.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, together for nearly 30. We have two DC together. We are happily married and I love him very much. I won’t bore anyone with how this conversation came about, but he has told me that about 8 years ago he had a bit of a flirtation with a woman he worked with.

He says she was naturally flirtatious with everyone not just him, but that ina night out she made a serious pass at him. He was embarrassed as he felt it had all just been harmless fun up til then. I know these things happen, but what has upset me is that he admitted that he found her attractive.

He says it’s normal to find other women attractive, but I’m feeling fat and unattractive now! He reminded me that I also find other men attractive and will joke about it, but that’s more men on the telly IYKWIM.

I know he didn’t have an affair, I think she scared him half to death when she made a pass. He’s a good man really.

Would you be upset by this??

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 29/08/2018 18:39

I'm sorry but I don't see the problem.

He found a woman attractive but didn't have an affair with her?

Count your lucky stars.

We see attractive people around every day - I love people watching! - doesn't mean we have to run after them.

I hope you find your self-confidence and not let it depend on a man in your life.

Jeepy · 29/08/2018 19:21

30 years is a LONG time, there are ups and downs. Try not to stress about it. As it was such a long time ago, and it was out of his mind, perhaps he forgot the reason he didn't tell you in the first place, was because it would upset you. Our brains don't always co-operate and it's made you feel like it was recent. Tell him you need to feel love and reassurance .

TeddybearBaby · 29/08/2018 19:43

I think it’s because you’re feeling vulnerable yourself. Have you always suffered from low self esteem? I think it’s ‘normal’ to feel a bit threatened / shocked by this. But I also think it’s been made worse by how you view yourself....... maybe have some counselling - get that self esteem up! Sending my love 💐

Smudge100 · 29/08/2018 20:20

Personally i think he mentioned it after so long because he did in fact have a physical fling with her and feels the need to confess, though not completely and not so as to damage his own situation.

Tetri · 29/08/2018 20:25

I know you can't help how you feel but...
You're together 30 years, very much in love and happy with 2 kids, please don't let the fact that he once found someone attractive ruin this. Yes, he probably should've mentioned it at the time but it probably would've made you paranoid.
It's completely normal to find other people attractive as long as you never do anything about it.

woodfires · 29/08/2018 20:29

Yes OP I reckon it is very normal to have to refocus on each other as people and not co-parents from time to time. I'm glad you are feeling better after talking.
You have every right to feel irritated but it's not worth feeling more than that. My DH used to be a shocking flirt he calmed down a lot when one of the work colleagues ended up outside his door with almost no kit on claiming she had been locked out of her room. He'd never really thought through that some people might read his flirting as more than it was. I think the fact he was blushing suggests he isn't a seasoned liar.

puffyisgood · 29/08/2018 20:49

sounds like next to nothing & potentially a good sign that he's owning up.

Ineke · 29/08/2018 21:24

Think it is normal that both in a relationship should find others attractive. Harmless and natural, and as he did not act upon his attraction, even when flirted with, shows how committed he is to you I think. It's a little tactless to tell your partner that you find such and such attractive, unless you are both telling each other this and comparing tastes. Why this should come up in a conversation so many years later is strange, maybe he needs his ego boosted a bit, and like wise , I am sure that you do now. Ask him his motivation for telling you this.

Blackpoolforever · 29/08/2018 22:17

It was 8 (EIGHT!) years ago, for heaven's sake. How long ago did he confess this? Don't we all fancy people,. real or on TV, films etc.? I covet George Clooney but that does not make me unfaithful to my husband. I got "quite close!" to a colleague but did nothing and I was not unfaithful then. Forget it, and get on with enjoying life, being with him and your lovely children.

Icanttakemuchmore · 29/08/2018 22:18

Ineke you need to read the full thread. He didn't offer the info.

BarnabyBungle · 29/08/2018 22:36

Personally i think he mentioned it after so long because he did in fact have a physical fling with her and feels the need to confess, though not completely and not so as to damage his own situation.

That’s a highly paranoid and potentially very damaging assumption to make! There are all sorts of possible reasons for coming out with it other than some kind of half-baked confession of an affair. Unless there’s form, there would be a very high change that any accusation of an affair after this would be a false accusation.

fizzthecat1 · 29/08/2018 22:49

I'd question his motivation for telling you this. It sounds like he's trying to brag / make you jealous. He wants you to know an Attractive woman fancied him!! He sounds like a bit of a prick to be honest.

PhilomenaButterfly · 29/08/2018 22:53

No. We don't blind ourselves when we enter a relationship.

Sommelierrrr · 29/08/2018 22:53

Don't know what's got into some posters here tonight op. He sounds lovely and honest and one of the decent ones indeed [

runningscare · 29/08/2018 22:56

Sounds like a good man and you share an open and honest relationship with him.

nearlythesummer · 29/08/2018 22:57

If that’s all that happened, I really wouldn’t worry or think about it again.

dorisdog · 30/08/2018 08:33

I wouldn't be happy to hear that my partner had been flirting with a colleague to the point where they made a pass at him. It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker, but I'd deffo want to have an honest conversation about what the boundaries are in our relationship, if that was my situation. Also, I want to know a bit sooner than eight years. I realise you had to tease it out of him, but I'm guessing he wanted to tell you for some reason, otherwise why raise her name after all this time.

manicmij · 30/08/2018 09:26

Years ago I had a neighbour who was bordering on depression and pregnant. Kind of took an interest in her inviting her for tea, chat, walks etc. I never saw her husband. After baby was born they moved and I was invited to visit for cuppa. This time her husband walked in and when I saw him I felt the blood drain to my feet. To me he was absolutely stunning. Would I have had an affair, NO. There is a difference in finding someone attractive and becoming involved. Your DH seems normal and cares for you.

Icanttakemuchmore · 30/08/2018 09:41

Crikey some posters really want to stir things that aren't really there. The op has a goodun there. Don't spoil it by putting things in her head that needn't be there. She's been with him for 30 years.

Leapfrog44 · 30/08/2018 10:02

No I would not be upset. You should be bloody proud of him for trusting you enough to tell you. Get over your insecurities and pull yourself together. Treasure your husband because men like that don't grow on trees.

My (now) husband made a similar confession about once having 'bad intentions' and was taken aback when I was not upset. I was pleased he was brave enough to tell me and this strengthened my trust in him enormously.

dorisdog · 30/08/2018 13:18

Sorry op. I'd missed your update when I posted. Glad you had a good chat with him and it's all good.

Original poster

Bumbledop · 30/08/2018 13:30

Thank you Doris dog and thank you everyone for taking the time to post.

I can understand why some posters feell there was more to this, so this hasn’t worried me. It’s not possible to explain a 30 year relationship in a few sentences or even one conversation really! What has been really helpful has been the posts saying that he’s a good un! It’s been lovely to be reminded of this and I guess the fact that I was unsettled and in a bit of a spin is because I love him.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Goldilocks3Bears · 30/08/2018 16:41

It makes sense if he didn’t tell you while they were working together as you’d have turned into a psycho every time he went to work. I say that lovingly btw.

I think it’s nice that he feels he can tell you. Please accept that complement from him and don’t turn it into a negative thing.

Workplace flirtations are great if they don’t go too far. He sounds like a good egg.

Original poster

Bumbledop · 30/08/2018 21:47

Thanks Goldilocks! I think that’s exactly why he didn’t tell me!

OP posts:

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