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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by DH’s confession

99 replies

Bumbledop · 28/08/2018 09:22

This is my first post here, I’m a bit of a lurker really! This is something I wouldn’t discuss with anyone in RL, but feel the need to get off my chest.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, together for nearly 30. We have two DC together. We are happily married and I love him very much. I won’t bore anyone with how this conversation came about, but he has told me that about 8 years ago he had a bit of a flirtation with a woman he worked with.

He says she was naturally flirtatious with everyone not just him, but that ina night out she made a serious pass at him. He was embarrassed as he felt it had all just been harmless fun up til then. I know these things happen, but what has upset me is that he admitted that he found her attractive.

He says it’s normal to find other women attractive, but I’m feeling fat and unattractive now! He reminded me that I also find other men attractive and will joke about it, but that’s more men on the telly IYKWIM.

I know he didn’t have an affair, I think she scared him half to death when she made a pass. He’s a good man really.

Would you be upset by this??

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 28/08/2018 12:26

Check with him that is all there was.

If it’s true, then this isn’t terrible. I’ve been cheated on, this is not cheating. Might be one of the good guys!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/08/2018 12:31

Fancying someone off the tv is not the same as finding a work colleague who also has made it clear that she finds you attractive and that has made a pass at you.

DH doesn't care that I think Cillian Murphy hot, fuck he even agrees that he's a good looking man himself. But if I worked with him and he made a pass at me then I'm sure he'd be a bit more than concerned!

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 12:35

Why would he be concerned great duck, if you said no? Does he not trust you?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/08/2018 12:43

I wouldn't trust myself where Cillian Murphy was concerned 😛

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 12:53

I wouldn’t be concerned if DH told me at the time.

I would if I found out 8 years later.

Isleepinahedgefund · 28/08/2018 12:57

I think the fact that you now feel fat and unattractive because he told you he found someone else attractive speaks volumes as to your self esteem, and this is what you should pay attention to.

Rebecca36 · 28/08/2018 13:02

I wonder why he felt the need to tell you about something after so many years which, on the face of it, amounted to nothing.

Of course people occasionally find eachother attractive, that's natural, but if they don't act on it, why 'confess' it? I would find that difficult too so you're not being unreasonable but it does seem odd that he mentioned it.

Keep your antennae up but do try to move on. It's probably nothing and he is a prat.

kateandme · 28/08/2018 13:10

is other stuff going on for you right now that your not quite feeling full of confidence.sounds like this is playing on other things maybe?this isn't me having a go.but if its on a long list of things that your getting down bout a the minute then it will be why it constantly going round in ur head.
talk to him.he might tell you to not be daft or he might listen and reassure.but I think you need to get it off your chest and he will be the best person to answer and reassure you.and knows you best enough to know what to say when you react like this.
we all react differently to things but you need help in raiotnalising it all out.

kateandme · 28/08/2018 13:16

do people think its ok to flirt with someone else then.yes there is being attracted to others but flirting.what kind of flirting?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/08/2018 13:23

If the situation was a current one where a female colleague had made a pass at someone's husband and he admitted to finding her attractive, would posters being saying its fiiine there's nothing to worry about?

Of course they wouldn't.

BarbarianMum · 28/08/2018 13:28

But if it were current you'd not know if he was going to take it further or not, in this case we know he didn't. Or do you think he's lying?

HeckinGoodDoggo · 28/08/2018 13:30

Something’s eating him up from the inside op.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/08/2018 13:33

I'm talking about the consensus from you and others that it's ok to for married people to find work colleagues attractive and that they find that person attractive because they made a pass at them.

1forAll74 · 28/08/2018 13:55

I would not be upset by this at all. Men and Women will find others to be attractive to them at some points in life. You are happily married, and it just came up in a conversation with your husband re this. For what it was, it is all in the past.

My late husband used to tell me about Very attractive girls/women,who he had worked with,or met in life, I never minded this at all..And he never minded at all, if I told him about my crush on the fit milkman,or kitchen fitter etc ha ha. , you should always be able to speak about things in life to your partner.

Original poster

Bumbledop · 29/08/2018 12:28

I replied yesterday, but it vanished! I must have done something wrong!

Anyway, thank you for all your replies, reading them all has been really helpful.

I think that the posters who said he was one of the good guys are right. I’m certain now that he is telling the truth. We had a long chat last might (hours!) and I’m feeling a lot better. We have decidedly we need more time together, the kids seem to have take over and we need to reclaim us! I’m wondering how many other couples find this?

SassitudeanSparkle - there was definitely some quizzing on my behalf! Probably a bit too much, but he looked guilty! He had a rabbit in the head lights kind of look. It scared me and I really did think the worst for a bit!

QueenAravis - I loved your term ‘terminally honest’ he really is! And this is one of the things I mentioned to him last night. There are times when I could do with a little less honesty!!

Thank you everyone, you were a great help. I didnt tell DH that I posted here, but some of your responses really helped last night when we were chatting, so thank you all

OP posts:

Original poster

Bumbledop · 29/08/2018 12:29

Oh and yes, I do need to work on my self esteem! I’m working on that

OP posts:

babyno5 · 29/08/2018 17:29

I completely get why this has rocked you OP but you have a good man who clearly adores you so turn it around and remember you have something she wanted so you’re hotter than her!
Sometimes we forget our OH’s might be attractive to other people and it shakes us when this is tested. 💐 xx

ishallwearsunflowers · 29/08/2018 17:33

In my opinion being faithful doesn’t mean you never find anyone else attractive, just that you don’t act on it. A bit of flirting is fine but it sounds like he distanced himself asap when needed.

He probably should have told you about it at the time and I imagine it would be something you laugh about together by now. The fact that he kept it secret for so long makes me think perhaps he wished for more at the time?

user1486250399 · 29/08/2018 17:40

One flirtation in 30 years is incredible. Go be happy in your lovely marriage and pay it no more mind. She is clearly nothing compared to you.

Icanttakemuchmore · 29/08/2018 17:41

Op I'd be worried if everyone didn't find other people attractive. It's just life, no one walks around blindfolded. He told you in conversation because you quizzed him as to why he blushed and went quiet. So she made a pass at him and he turned her down. She was window shopping and he wasn't for sale and he told her so. Good on your faithful husband. Keep hold of him as he sounds like a keeper. And you should know after nearly 30 years.

Theresnodisneyending · 29/08/2018 17:51

My husband did this. Told me how he was really attracted to one of the women he was training with in the past in a really honest way. Stabbed me in the heart. He's never even told me he's attracted to me. Terminally honest is right.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/08/2018 17:55

I'm probably the only one who doesn't see a remarkable difference between telling your partner that you fancy someone at work as opposed to telling them you fancy someone off the tv. Why say it at all? It makes people feel differently about you as the only difference being that you can't do anything with somebody off the tv as you don't have access to them? Grow up!

Some of the comments that some posters make about tv men and what they want to do to them makes me feel sick. It's not ok in my book - keep it to yourself if you're partnered. Urgh.

That's it really, if you're in a relationship then be respectful. You badgered him a bit there OP - if you trust him then you could have avoided this upset as he wasn't going to tell you about this non-event (which it was).

Sallystyle · 29/08/2018 18:19

Finding other people attractive is normal but it would sting a bit knowing he found a work colleague attractive and was flirting with her, to the extent she thought it was OK to make a pass. That was probably some good flirting going on there. I don't think many women would just make a pass without them believing there is mutual attraction on both sides. I would think it was very disrespectful to me and our marriage.

Finding someone attractive is just human. Flirting with a colleague who you find attractive on a night out is just stupid and disrespectful.

Strongmummy · 29/08/2018 18:20

Of course it’s normal to find other people attractive in RL; we’re not robots. Biologically it’s actually normal to act on those instincts , however society dictates that this is not morally correct (altho some couples enjoy open relationships).

However he DIDN’T stray and that is what counts. Your own insecurities about your looks need addressing however.

Tinkobell · 29/08/2018 18:35

I'd feel annoyed and a bit threatened by the situation for sure, you're only human right? BUT he didn't act on it and that's that. It is history now, don't let it eat you up. He probably flashed her a few smiles but no more.

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