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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sick with guilt and shame that I cause my ds injury

118 replies

BirthdayBlueBo · 27/08/2018 15:26

I won’t go into specific details in case I become daily fail fodder.
A week ago I stupidly misjudged how slippy a fall was and caused my toddler to fall and it slashed his head open.
I feel sick - he’s fine in himself and although the hosp did a great job and managed to glue it - will still be a huge scar across his head.
I feel so sad that his beautiful face is forever changed due to my stupidity.
Everyone keeps telling me to pull myself together but every time I look st my boy I feel guilty

OP posts:

Bumbumtaloo · 27/08/2018 21:33

I have a scar on my face from an accident when I was 5. It’s hardly noticeable now apart from when I point it out.

Dd1 knocked herself out when she was around 18mths old, I still feel sick when I think of it and I can hear the thud in my head. She was absolutely fine, big egg shaped bruise on her forehead for a couple of weeks but no lasting damage. A couple of months before she broke one of her front teeth playing with DH, nothing we could do about it until she lost her baby tooth. At times we both felt guilty looking at her tooth but it actually became part of her and in a weird way she misses her broken tooth.

StateOfTheUterus · 27/08/2018 21:42

if he likes Harry Potter when he's older, he'll be pleased to have a forehead scar like his hero. 😊

violet0805 · 27/08/2018 21:47

I did something like this... we made footprints out of talcum powder one Christmas Eve leading out of our kids room and down the stairs (upstairs was carpet, downstairs was laminate) my dd was 2 at the time. She walked down the stairs through the talcum powder... in socks.... took one step on the laminate floor and went flying backwards and cracked her head on the bottom step. She ended up with a golf ball size lump and we spent 3 hours up a&e on Christmas Day..

I felt awful but accidents happen. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Toddlerteaplease · 27/08/2018 21:57

As a PP said, it can't be that bad or the hospital would have asked plastics or Max Fax to stitch it rather than glue it. They tend to be very very careful when it comes to facial lacerations and do their best to minimise scarring.

Toohot12244 · 27/08/2018 22:02

Ive got a good few war wounds from injuries as a child.. i am 31 now!
These include a scar on my chin from burning myself when my dad was in charge... and a scar on my eye from when they both were and I tumbled down the stairs!
They are barely noticeable now but I relished the stories as a child... it’s life! Growing up.. being a kid... don’t beat yourself up!

TooManyPaws · 27/08/2018 22:06

As a toddler, I managed to get into the kitchen - barefoot so silent on the tiles - and tumbled forward just as a cupboard door was being shut. Half my lower lip had to be sewn back on. Two adults (apart from the one in the kitchen) were looking after me. People don't notice it now unless I point it out.

Lindy2 · 27/08/2018 22:09

It was an accident.
You made normal busy mum decisions (like we all do everyday) and unfortunately an accident happened. You didn't deliberately cause the accident and didn't know it would happen so you didn't do anything wrong. A person can only be blamed for causing an injury or accident if they knowingly or deliberately did something to cause it.
The scar will fade I'm sure. If it only happened recently you are probably still in a bit of shock about it.
My DD broke her leg at age 2. It was an accident but I also felt so guilty it happened in my care. It took several months to not feel like that and move on from it. I was very over protective for a while too until I realised that we couldn't carry on like that. Please be kind to yourself. Accidents happen to everyone.

incywincybitofa · 27/08/2018 22:14

Head and face injuries always bleed more
But do take on board, it's healing will be amazing, perhaps to the disappointment of your son, because nothing is as exciting to many a small boy as a cool scar.
Trust me my son spins also sorts of stories about his many scars. x

SinkGirl · 27/08/2018 22:14

When my sister was a toddler she ran into a glass door which shattered and she cut her face open between her eyebrows and down the side of her nose. You honestly can’t see the scar now unless you look for it.

When I was 18 I almost amputated my arm - it was as bad as a cut can get before you lose a limb and goes 3/4 if the way round my arm. I had an obscene number of stitches. For the first year or so it looked awful - red, angry and tight so there was a big groove in my arm. Within five years it was the same colour as the rest of my arm and no longer pulled in. Most people don’t notice it. And I think its actually quite cool.

You need to give yourself a break. My twins have so many bumps and falls and accidents - it’s pure luck we’ve avoided A&E so far. One of them falls and bangs something about 10 times a day. He has about 20 bruises right now. Be kind to yourself! I know it’s traumatic when something you do causes them to hurt themselves (when they were smaller I put one of them down on the sofa and he crawled straight off the edge and his body flipped and bent weirdly as he hit the floor - I still feel sick when I think about it) but it was an accident.

thejeangenie36 · 27/08/2018 23:25

Please try to forgive yourself OP.

As I've said on your other thread DS fell and had a bad scar on his head at a similar age and in quite similar circumstances. Three years on the scar has faded, such that it can't really be seen unless you look hard. My son thinks it's cool.

Golde · 27/08/2018 23:37

Loads of kids have scars caused by accidents (which this was)

Have you heard of the silicon dressing pads? They are amazing at reducing scarring if used properly.

Dorfl · 28/08/2018 01:51

Have you someone you can talk to OP? Maybe you could speak to your HV or Gp about the level of your anxiety?

It is normal to be upset and worried. But it was just an accident and many people have shared how normal it is. It would be more worrying if you weren't bothered!

Be kind to yourself. What your son needs, more than anything, is a loving, caring Mum - which he obviously has - who does activities with him - you took him swimming - and gets appropriate care for him when needed - you took him to A and E.

You're doing this. My Dh has a job involving critical decisions affecting lots of people in very serious potentially dangerous situations. He says that keeping the dc alive is much more stressful!

Original poster

BirthdayBlueBo · 28/08/2018 08:18

Thank you all I hope I can move forwards as I don’t want the kids to pick up on my anxiety around the accident - ds is happy and ok I need to focus on that.
I haven’t been back to where it hall yet- Dh has and thinks I need to in order to get closure and move on so maybe I will give that a try.

OP posts:

Original poster

BirthdayBlueBo · 28/08/2018 08:20

Have heard about the silicon sheets does anyone know how long I need to wait until I use treatment on the wound?

OP posts:

BillywigSting · 28/08/2018 08:51

I went tumbling down our very steep stairs when I was about 7 with my mum and the cat. Have a tiny tiny scar on my lip that can only be seen if I pull my lip up and point it out.

My mum felt awful about it for ages, but for me it was just a cool story to tell, especially the bit where I came into school at break time and my best friend stopped everyone from hounding me.

Dp has a very long very nasty scar that runs the length of his entire forearm that he acquired by falling a small plastic kids chair and breaking his arm very badly. Again, just an accident that could have happened to anyone.

Dc also slipped off a chair when put for lunch with dp and has a scar on his face where he was caught by his glasses, but that too was just one of those things. It was a slippery chair. Nothing would have happened had he not been wearing glasses.

And me, when dc was a few months old, before I thought he could roll over (having never showed any signs of it) rolled right off the changing table when I went to fetch another nappy. That felt pretty awful but he was fine ten minutes later. Even the doctors in the hospital (hit his head so got him checked out) said that it happens to the best of us (and told me their tales of unfortunate accidents with their own child)

Like pp have said, guilt does seem to come with the territory but we really all have these stories and it doesn't make you a bad parent.

It's a massive learning curve and accidents happen to us all.

hungryhippo90 · 28/08/2018 08:59

Listen, it happens.
I took my DD to the park, I bribed her to go on the zipline because I thought it would be a fear conquering moment.
In my mind she would really enjoy herself and be proud of overcoming that fear, until she fell off,
I picked her up, ah you’re alright!! I already felt like shit I’d steered her in the wrong direction, then she started talking about her arm which was cut, so I dealt with it at home.

3 years on she tells everyone we meet I did it to her, all I can squeal is I took her to the park!

Don’t worry. He will be alright.

Original poster

BirthdayBlueBo · 28/08/2018 09:24

Thank you just need to work out how to stop replaying it in my mind that would be a start.

OP posts:

hannah1992 · 28/08/2018 09:35

Hi. My 2 girls have had plenty of minor injuries. I had plenty of them too as a child.

I fell out the living room window when I was about 4 cracked my head on the plant pot that was underneath it and gave myself concussion.

When I was a teen I asked my mum to chuck me the bottle of pop of the side. There was about a quarter of a bottle left. She threw it to me I didn't catch it it but he in the eye and gave me a black eye.

We laugh about it now. It's just one of them funny stories.

Stop beating yourself up. It's ok to feel guilty! You wouldn't be normal if you didn't but accidents happen.

For context when my dd who is now 7 was about 4 she walked behind me while I was hoovering and i elbowed her in the nose. She still remembers it now but doesn't hold it against me (Although she might when she's a teen 😁). It happens feel guilty because we all do but love on from it.

NoelEdmondsbeard · 28/08/2018 09:45

When I was a kid I was with my mum and was playing on a metal park bench. I attempted to headbutt the metal frame as I had been watching World of Sport wrestling so ran and dived at full force. Didn't end well.

I still have a scar but it made me feel a bit unique, made me feel lucky as an inch in the other direction and I may have lost sight in my left eye and if anything made me feel sorry for my poor mum. I was a crazy unruly young child and if anything episode showed how overactive I was and what she had to cope with.

So please dont blame yourself. Pretty sure your child never will.

LadyFlumpalot · 28/08/2018 09:49

When I was a baby my mum was carrying me around the house in the night to get some wind up when she heard sirens, being nosy she leaned into the bay window to see the end of the street and stuck my face straight into a decorative cactus.

A few years ago I was swinging DS in the kitchen (god knows why) when I dropped him and he smacked the back of his head on the tiled floor. Absolutely fine, luckily - but only by luck.

Don't beat yourself up, it wasn't on purpose and you'll never do it again.

Sodor · 28/08/2018 10:04

Honestly woman get a grip! So what he slipped on a wet floor and split his head. It'll heal, he won't remember and the scar will barely be visible in a year or 2. Are. You going to make such a fuss everytime he trips, or falls off his bike or bangs his head on a cupboard corner. Are you never going to let him compete in any sport (all with real risk of A&E worthy injury)? You're doing your son more long term damage by being so precious over him. Put it into perspective and move on.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 28/08/2018 10:17

When I was 12, I fell out of a tree, and a branch gouged a wide shallow wound in my arm. It was a bit over an inch long and half-an-inch wide, and I was incredibly proud of the scar that resulted.

That scar is now completely gone and I can't even find it on my arm.

Original poster

BirthdayBlueBo · 28/08/2018 14:36

I’ve always been over cautious if anything I’m known for being extra careful. Today I saw a mum with a toddler halfway up a path next to a busy road without a care even before this I wouldn’t have done that. Now I’m going to be even more cautious I do feel sorry for the kids I don’t want to suffocate them but I’m scared of the consequences.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 28/08/2018 14:40

You need to get help for the anxiety. It's normal to feel a bit guilty but not to be replaying the incident like PTSD. You need to sort this.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 28/08/2018 14:50

I say this with the greatest of kindness. You are going way over the top. I understand it. You are very anxious. I know you want to protect your children. We all do. But you may end up behaving in a way that is counterproductive.

There is healthy risk management and there is micro management.

What you don't want to do is micro manage everything to the point that your children cannot assess danger and mitigate for it without you there. You simply cannot foresee every possible outcome.

No one wants their child to be hurt but you are at risk of preventing from learning viral life skills if you allow a simple accident to control your life in this way.

Your reaction is not healthy. Is there anyone you can talk to help you or manage this anxiety better?

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