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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect partner to want to love with me now I'm pregnant

79 replies

poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:22

My partner Andy I have been on and off and more recently off when I found out I'm pregnant ( I'm 6 weeks :) )
We've discussed it and he has said he wants to make it work as a family but on the basis that I move into his house . I've lived there before and it didn't work out as I couldn't cope with the nearly 3hr round commute Andy it wasn't part of the reason we broke up and I moved out as I was miserable and grump all the time 😏
I want us to move somewhere closer to work and start over somewhere where we can both be happy... he seems really unflexibke on this and when probed seems it is because he is unsure if it will work out long term so doesn't want to uproot his life.
This fills me with fear and I don't want to uproot my life ( again!) to move back to his house if he doesn't think it will work.... I'd rather focus on us doing something where we are both taking 'risk' and both have to make effort or I'd rather start to build my own life with the baby straight away.

Obviously what is best for the baby come first which is why I w t us to try and be together somewhere we will both be happy, but I'm not willing to move into his if he doesn't think it will work and dhoesn't have confidence as it'll destroy me if we break up again - especially now the stakes are so much higher.
What should I do!!!

OP posts:
GreenPimpernel · 27/08/2018 15:24

End the relationship, which has zero future, and decide whether or not you want to continue with the pregnancy.

ThatchersCold · 27/08/2018 15:25

I’d tell Andy to jog on. Doesn’t sound like he’s in it for the long haul so I’d live wherever your support network is.

Singlenotsingle · 27/08/2018 15:29

Quite right. You'd be risking your whole future if you move in with him. It doesn't work. You know it doesn't.

Loopytiles · 27/08/2018 15:30

Don’t do anything that makes it more difficult for you to work full time with your current employer.

Plan for being a single parent, as this seems the most likely outcome if you continue with the pregnancy.

Loopytiles · 27/08/2018 15:32

It won’t “destroy you” if you break up. It’ll be shit, but you’d deal with it.

Original poster
poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:33

Yeah. This is what I feared people would say.... hard when you know that's probably the right thing to do but desperately wish it would be different .

Do you think if he agreed to moving somewhere closer to work that it would mean he was committed? Or just the same old and not likely to work?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 27/08/2018 15:36

It's not going to work. Call it a day and decide whether or not you want to be a single parent.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 27/08/2018 15:37

Given that your relationship was already on/off, adding the stress of a baby into the mix, plus the ‘risk’ you mention of uprooting and moving in together, the relationship will be tested to its limits.

Think hard about whether a baby is the right thing for you at this stage on your life, boyfriend or not. Even in a stable relationship this would be a tricky time. With yours, it sounds like the chances of the happy family you’re after are slim to none.

If you weren’t pregnant would you be trying to make it work? Moving house etc? Or would you be cutting your losses and hoping to find someone more suitable who is as invested in you as you are in them?

ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 15:37

You cannot do a three hour commute when you're pregnant.

I would think about whether you want to go down the road of single parenthood or not very carefully now, You're only 6 weeks.

He's obviously not prepared to compromise or inconvenience himself in the slightest.

He might agree to move somewhere in the future but tbh by then you'll have gone through the pregnancy alone. He isn't with you. He's not moving in with you right now.

You sound like the driving force behind an attempt to get him to move somewhere that works for you both.

If you didn't ask him to, he'd just stay where he is though right.??

so what he wants, what he really really wants is to just stay right where he is and for you to live alone while you're pregnant.

Original poster
poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:38

I should also add that I'm 34 so I do wonder if not no where with this pregnancy then there may not be another chance with someone else ... thank s for your thoughts

OP posts:
LoisCommonDenominator84 · 27/08/2018 15:40

I’d end the relationship and the pregnancy. It would be very selfish and unfair to bring a baby into such an unstable relationship and living situation.

happypoobum · 27/08/2018 15:46

I'd tell him to get stuffed. If you want the baby then of course keep it, but you would be foolish to expect any support from the babys father, other than financial support if CMS can get it from him.

brokenharbour · 27/08/2018 15:46

Of course you can do a 3 hour round trip commute when you're pregnant, I do a four hour one! Obviously it's not fun but it's entirely possible.

That said there are many other reasons not to move in with him by the sounds of it.

Original poster
poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:47

Do you think I should give it a go if he agrees to move, or do you think it's still doomed? Driving myself crazy with whether or not that changes things?! (100% decided I won't move to his)

OP posts:
ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 15:47

If you feel like it'd be a weight off your mind to have this baby now rather than face the possibility of never being a mother then I think it's worth it for you.

But you could go hell for leather searching for a partner for about four years (living life and having fun along the way) before approaching a clinic at about 38?

d rather go hell for leather dating for the next four years and see if you can meet somebody who is really there for you and if not, go to a donor clinic.

There is so much sacrifice and commitment and responsibility involved in parenthood. This man will make you resentful in a way that having a child with a donor wouldn't (jmo - i know others may strongly disagree)

ps, in response to a pp, I don't know that I agree that it's unfair to a baby to have it just because you will probably end up being a single parent. Unfair to you more like. If you can manage to keep your job and if you have the support of sister/friend/parent then you will be ok. Children don't need two parents. They need one good one. Often two parents with a different outlook on parenting will bicker so much.

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2018 15:48

That typo in the title is telling. You want him to love you now you’re pregnant. He won’t.

ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 15:49

How enthusiastic is he about moving? Would you really have to prepare a 'case' and talk him in to it? or does he see that the situation needs to change if you're a couple facing parenthood?
Is he acting like he's preparing for fatherhood? (or is it like this is something that is happening to YOU)

Original poster
poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:49

Thank you @foreverjung

OP posts:
Original poster
poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:50

I feel like I would need to make a case for the move . But he is saying the right things about wanted to be a present father

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 27/08/2018 15:50

I’d end the relationship and the pregnancy. It would be very selfish and unfair to bring a baby into such an unstable relationship and living situation.

Don’t listen to this OP. I was raised by a single parent & I still had a happy childhood!

Original poster
poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:51

And agree with the typo comment.... I'm the kind of person I usually pity at the moment , hoping that it'll all work out and we will get stringer and he will love me ... I know how pathetic that sounds

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 27/08/2018 15:55

He has already told you the truth, so listen to him. Stop trying to resolve it and make it work as he clearly is not flexible or committed for the future. Why get pregnant with this man in the first place?

juneau · 27/08/2018 15:55

Tell him that the only way you'll live with him is if he agrees to compromise and move somewhere that at least partially suits you both. If he's unwilling to meet you halfway (both physically and metaphorically), then I'd tell him that this on again, off again romance is permanently off. Then decide whether you want to continue this pregnancy as a single parent. But I fear that you're going to be a single parent anyway, so can you it alone? Do you have the financial and emotional support and resources?

Merryoldgoat · 27/08/2018 15:58

Really the key is what is his character?

How will he act when things get tough? Does he treat you with kindness, respect and patience?

My guess is that the two of you have a turbulent and difficult relationship and are only reuniting for a baby. A baby in that mix will be utterly hideous.

If you want the baby then you should have it but plan to do it without him.

Remember though, you’ll be tied to him forever. It’s a long time.

The relationship board is full of women posting about 5 years down the line from where you are now - cautionary tales.

FWIW I’d dump him and end the pregnancy and ensure I made better choices (partner-wise) in the future.

hmmwhatatodo · 27/08/2018 15:58

Andy has cold feet.