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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect partner to want to love with me now I'm pregnant

79 replies

poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:22

My partner Andy I have been on and off and more recently off when I found out I'm pregnant ( I'm 6 weeks :) )
We've discussed it and he has said he wants to make it work as a family but on the basis that I move into his house . I've lived there before and it didn't work out as I couldn't cope with the nearly 3hr round commute Andy it wasn't part of the reason we broke up and I moved out as I was miserable and grump all the time 😏
I want us to move somewhere closer to work and start over somewhere where we can both be happy... he seems really unflexibke on this and when probed seems it is because he is unsure if it will work out long term so doesn't want to uproot his life.
This fills me with fear and I don't want to uproot my life ( again!) to move back to his house if he doesn't think it will work.... I'd rather focus on us doing something where we are both taking 'risk' and both have to make effort or I'd rather start to build my own life with the baby straight away.

Obviously what is best for the baby come first which is why I w t us to try and be together somewhere we will both be happy, but I'm not willing to move into his if he doesn't think it will work and dhoesn't have confidence as it'll destroy me if we break up again - especially now the stakes are so much higher.
What should I do!!!

OP posts:

LoisCommonDenominator84 · 27/08/2018 16:00

HeckyPeck Did I say it is unfair to raise a child as a single parent? I said in this situation. It is one thing to deliberately get pregnant knowing that you will be raising them alone. Of course it’s fine to have one parent. It’s quite another story to bring a baby into an unstable on-again, off-again situation with a largely disinterested father who doesn’t appear able to make any compromises for the woman he knocked up, and a mother who seems at risk of making decisions that are not in her best interest in order to win his favour.

Merryoldgoat · 27/08/2018 16:00

It’s not about what he SAYS - it’s what he DOES that matters.

And people aren’t saying terminate because being a single parent is terrible, they’re saying it because trying to co-parent with a feckless cunt will grind you down and if you can avoid it you should.

BewareOfDragons · 27/08/2018 16:00

I want us to move somewhere closer to work and start over somewhere where we can both be happy... he seems really unflexibke on this and when probed seems it is because he is unsure if it will work out long term so doesn't want to uproot his life.

You want to compromise where you both have to give to make this work. He doesn't want to give up anything and is already assuming it won't work.

End it. He's not interested enough to make it work. I'm sorry, OP, but he's telling you that. He wants you to do ALL the heavy lifting in the relationship, and if it fails, you can do ALL the heavy lifting again to end the relationship and move out and go away. Don't even start the process. Just tell him you'll let him know how much his monthly contributions will be when the baby arrives.

Loopytiles · 27/08/2018 16:01

In your shoes I would worry too and would probably have the baby and be a single parent.

I would plan around being single. Plan to live somewhere as near work and support (if you have any) as possible, save as much money as possible, live somewhere as cheap as possible! Asap.

How long has the relationship been? Why was it on/off?

Original poster

poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 16:03

He's fundentally a good person and capable of being kind and loving. the issue is more just compatability and us noting being able to give each other what we need. Last time we broke up he said he felt lonely in our relationship. I'm very affectionate with him and try my best to give him what he needs ... I think it's more that there is no spark and we struggle to have a laugh together .

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 27/08/2018 16:03

I would end the relationship and try to stay friendly for the sake of co-parenting (assuming you are going ahead with pregnancy). Of course it makes sense for both of you to consider the possibility of it not working but at the same time you both would need to commit to try and making it work. He seems to be only committing to you trying to make it work without any effort on his part. This cannot ever lead to a happy one term relationship.

December2018 · 27/08/2018 16:03

I come from a single parent family and my mum has done an awesome job! My mum is an absolute angel and I love her to bits were inseparable!
I'd fuck Andy right off and put your baby first and concentrate on you two...
But that's just me....

You don't need a man to be a mum, get rid!

December2018 · 27/08/2018 16:03

You don't need a man to be a mum, get rid!

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 27/08/2018 16:04

You want to compromise and begin a fresh start, he wants you to fit in with his current life. You want to have a baby and commit to a life together, he doesn't want to "uproot" anything (and, lets face it, there's nothing in the world guaranteed to turn your world upside down than the arrival of a baby). Either it ends now or it ends later, but it's not going to be a long-term thing.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/08/2018 16:05

Really??
I wouldn't really try and force yourself into 'working:, if he has so little invested /is so completely meh about the pregnancy....

I would seriously considering what you want to do with the pregnancy.... You have several weeks to decide I think...

I wouldn't want to force someone into an arrangement they're not 100 % committed to....

Why would you waste your life on someone so undeserving of you!

Original poster

poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 16:06

I was happy in the relationship as I don't think I have the same expectations as him, it doesn't bother me if we have an argument or a shitty week as long as we are 80/20 good and want the same things and enjoy the same things and look after each other ( which we do/did)
He is 38 and 2/3 years out of a difficult divorce where they were only married for 6 months before breaking up which I think has scarred him
He's suggested we go speak to a councillor...

OP posts:

ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 16:06

@heckypeck,

I agree, I have been a better parent to my kids than my TWO parents were to me because they understood nothing about nurturing a child's confidence and sense of self etc...

However, OP, I think you still have time to put a bit more effort in to finding somebody. If you're worried about never having a child, set up a dating profile and be really honest about what you want.

Also build yourself up. This will have been a sad experience so be really kind to yourself. You have the power to make a decision that is right for your WHOLE life though.

Loopytiles · 27/08/2018 16:06

No spark or laughs sounds dire!

Can he be counted upon to pay maintenance?

ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 16:07

Do you want the same things though!?

A shitty week might not matter if you do genuinely want the same things.

Does he want the same things though?

Does he already have children?

PatriciaHolm · 27/08/2018 16:11

I think it's more that there is no spark and we struggle to have a laugh together .

Then how is this a relationship? Its not, and hasn't been for a long while.

You said your relationship was off when you found out you were pregnant. The baby is the only reason either of you (well, him at least) are even trying now, and that is doomed.

Be honest OP, would you be pushing a relationship with him if you weren't pregnant?

ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 16:11

uh oh.

OP.

Not much of a spark, you struggle to have a laugh together, he won't compromise for you, he's not showing much enthusiasm for your new lives together (?) READ IT BACK!!

I'd be dubious about the suggestion to see a counsellor. That definitely bides him a bit more time but if you are going to decide whether or not to keep the baby then the last thing you need is to be fobbed off with suggestions to see a counsellor.

He says he feels lonely in the relationship but you sound very loving and like you are trying so I'm guessing that he feels you are not compatible. He only ever saw it as short term.

If I was in a relationship with somebody who was RIGHT FOR ME and who was attentive and more than willing to compromise then I wouldn't be lonely in the relationship. he says he is lonely. Either that's a way of makig you try try try harder. Or, he just knows something that you know, ie, that you're totally incompatible in the long term.

Merryoldgoat · 27/08/2018 16:13

No spark and no laughs? That’s what gets you through the tough times!

It doesn’t sound like he’s awful so he might not make your life shit if you coparent, but is that what you rally want? To be chasing after someone to love you for the next god knows how long?

Original poster

poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 16:16

He has no children
I think we do want the same things - but if I make brutally honest with myself he just doesn't want it with me . I try to rationalise it that he has unrealistic expectation if what's a relationship is like and that he is still damage done from divorce ect
I would think he could be relied on fir support with baby but he's broken my trust beforehand .
Last time we agreed to be back together I stressed that I wasn't messing around and it wasn't all or nothing and we both had to be committed to making it work long term and less than three months later he was raising doubts

OP posts:

thegardenfairy · 27/08/2018 16:18

First no man is going to love you more just because youre pregnant with his child. He seems very flaky tbh. Think about how you will manage if the benefit system collapses. Will you be able to afford to raise your child without financial support from the father or the government?

Don't diss it. There are too many fathers shirking their responsibilities now as they think the government has a never ending pot of money. The money pot has to run out soon.

agnurse · 27/08/2018 16:19

IMHO, moving in together solely because you're pregnant is one of the WORST reasons to move in together.

What if something happens to your child? Even if nothing does happen, eventually your child will grow up and leave home. What's holding your relationship together at that point?

Have the baby. You're pregnant now, you may not be able to get pregnant later - especially if you have an abortion. (Depending on the method used and any complications, some women are unable to become pregnant after an abortion, and even if they can, they may have a higher risk of preterm birth. Not to mention that the risks of pregnancy for you and baby increase if you're over 35.) If you're not sure you can raise a baby alone, you might consider placing the baby for adoption.

Original poster

poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 16:24

FYI - I would be ok financially with or without him , it's more the emotional and practical support I need

OP posts:

deepsea · 27/08/2018 16:24

Keep the baby if you want to and if he loves you he will come through on your terms.

IF he loved you he would not want you to do a three hour commute pregnant with his child would he? Consider the impact this would have on you and your baby. It is very selfish of him. He could keep his place and come and move in for six months and see how it works out.

You definitely need to plan your life so you can manage entirely independently without him (home/finances/help) and if he comes through great, and if he doesn't also great.

Life is not a disney film op, you might want him to love you, and maybe he does in his own way but it is not certainly nowhere near enough if he happens to be a selfish uncaring partner only interested in himself and his future.

Focus on your future, and your baby and ease out of your relationship

Gemini69 · 27/08/2018 16:26

So you make all the moves and the extra time commuting to and from work... and all the risk...

what exactly is he putting in ? ZILCHO

crosstalk · 27/08/2018 16:27

OP Go see a counsellor. See what s/he suggests and brings out of you both. He may be wondering if the baby was a genuine error or planned.

Meanwhile - check your financial situation out. How would you manage as a sole parent? could you keep the rent/mortgage payments up? how are you placed at work? is there good local child care which you could afford if you went back to work? He sounds as if he might contribute reasonably willingly.

Sorry if I missed this, but do you have any family around? would they be happy to help? is your job transferable?

Good luck OP. But work this out quickly. Abortions are not lightly to be undergone in any circumstances and no, there's not a guarantee you'll meet someone later on and be able to have a child in your thirties or forties.

deepsea · 27/08/2018 16:27

If you don't think you can cope emotionally (and it is bloody hard at times, but not impossible) I would consider a termination and you may be better finding a relationship that fulfils all of your needs.

It is entirely possible for you to have everything you want, and the happy ending just not with this man.

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