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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect partner to want to love with me now I'm pregnant

79 replies

poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 15:22

My partner Andy I have been on and off and more recently off when I found out I'm pregnant ( I'm 6 weeks :) )
We've discussed it and he has said he wants to make it work as a family but on the basis that I move into his house . I've lived there before and it didn't work out as I couldn't cope with the nearly 3hr round commute Andy it wasn't part of the reason we broke up and I moved out as I was miserable and grump all the time 😏
I want us to move somewhere closer to work and start over somewhere where we can both be happy... he seems really unflexibke on this and when probed seems it is because he is unsure if it will work out long term so doesn't want to uproot his life.
This fills me with fear and I don't want to uproot my life ( again!) to move back to his house if he doesn't think it will work.... I'd rather focus on us doing something where we are both taking 'risk' and both have to make effort or I'd rather start to build my own life with the baby straight away.

Obviously what is best for the baby come first which is why I w t us to try and be together somewhere we will both be happy, but I'm not willing to move into his if he doesn't think it will work and dhoesn't have confidence as it'll destroy me if we break up again - especially now the stakes are so much higher.
What should I do!!!

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 27/08/2018 16:34

Poppy, every single post you've made smacks of you being completely deluded. You're recently pregnant. If he had an ounce of decency in his bones, if he cared remotely for you, he would be doing everything he coild to make you feel secure and loved. Instead you're left the likes of "he is unsure if it will work out long term so doesn't want to uproot his life". This man does not give a shit about you and doesn't even care enough to try and hide it.

amusedbush · 27/08/2018 16:40

I wouldn't bring a baby into this shitshow - blunt, but that's how I see it. This man doesn't love you and it sounds like you want the rosy picture of a family but you're not going to get it with him.

He sounds lazy and selfish and I think you're right - he doesn't want all of this with you. He is telling you that through his actions, or inaction.

fairgame84 · 27/08/2018 16:41

A baby adds so much more stress and pressure on a relationship. If you are crap together now then you are unlikely to survive the stress of a baby.

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 16:42

Counselling might be good. Together and separately.
Decide if you want this baby no matter what. If so go ahead and coparent if you can, but be prepared to go it alone. See how it goes.
Don't have the baby to keep the man. Don't move in with him because you are pregnant.
Maybe the relationship will flourish and develop, maybe not, with or without baby, keep the two issues apart for now.

SendintheArdwolves · 27/08/2018 16:45

I think we do want the same things - but if I make brutally honest with myself he just doesn't want it with me

I try to rationalise it that he has unrealistic expectation if what's a relationship is like

May I be honest? All your posts sound like you are saying:

"I know he doesn't love me and we don't really make each other happy. But I'm prepared to spend the rest of my life pretending that this relationship is enough for me - all I need is to make him pretend to be happy as well. Maybe if we both pretend hard enough, we'll be happy. Well, happy ish. Happy enough. Or if not happy, then less unhappy than being alone, surely?"

OP, if his "expectations" are that he be in a relationship with someone he's crazy about, they make each other laugh, can't imagine life without each other and want to do everything they can to make each other happy, then that's not "unreasonable". That's "what a relationship should be like". Your idea that you should just settle for a pretence of happiness with someone who you don't really click with but could learn to tolerate is just....heartbreaking.

Dump this guy. If you want to keep the baby, keep the baby. And hold out for your next boyfriend to be someone who really likes you for you, and who you really like as well Flowers

HappyHedgehog247 · 27/08/2018 16:49

I’m a single parent and DC and I are happy. I think the relationship and the baby are two separate decisions x

Glumglowworm · 27/08/2018 16:49

This relationship is doomed. Get out now and save yourself years of heartache.

As you’re so early on in pregnancy, I would suggest considering whether or not to proceed. Don’t think of the baby as the key to your crappy relationship. You need to decide whether you are prepared to raise this child alone, and dealing with its shitty father into the bargain.

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 16:50

Don't rush to out his name on birth certificate, see how it pans out, you can give him parental responsibility later or he can go to court for it.

justchangingagain · 27/08/2018 17:00

He's not into you, he's not into the baby, he only managed six moths of marriage previously.

This relationship is doomed, doesn't exists properly, it's going absolutely nowhere it's a dead relationship.

You won't change him, the baby won't change him he doesn't want any of it.

Leave now and plan your future.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2018 17:01

What TooTrueToBeGood said at 16.34 with bells on. This man does not give a shit about you and doesn’t even care enough to try and hide it.

Sorry. I agree with everyone else. You need to make a decision to have the baby as a single parent knowing this may be your only chance to have a child. Otherwise have a termination.

Beeziekn33ze · 27/08/2018 17:06

If you don't feel you're compatible there's not much point in trying to keep this on/off relationship going. As he said he feels lonely in it and his marriage was so brief I don't think he's ready for any kind of commitment.
It's tough for you but you have one big decision to make about your pregnancy. Many single mothers are wonderful parents and bring up happy well-adjusted children. If you feel having a child is the most important thing for you and that you are ready for the responsibility then go for it but you must be realistic.

Original poster
poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 17:16

I'm really torn if I want to do it alone . Was really hoping that he would want to move and want to make a go of it.
I think I could push him into it ( moving and trying to be together) but doesn't feel like the right thing to do , as I do actually want him to Ben happy. Which makes me think it might work for a year or so, if that... so yes I know I need to make a decision based on being a single mum but just not sure that's what I want . I haven't told anyone so no one to talk it through with! Hence posting here to try get my thoughts straight I guess.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/08/2018 17:19

Pregnancy advisory services might be helpful.

make the decision on the assumption you’ll be single in the near future.

Scout1774 · 27/08/2018 17:32

Terminating the pregnancy and ending the relationship are two separate issues.

Many children are brought up by single mothers/fathers. If they are loved and cared for, that's all that they need.

serbska · 27/08/2018 17:35

I wouldn't bring a baby into this shitshow - blunt, but that's how I see it. This man doesn't love you and it sounds like you want the rosy picture of a family but you're not going to get it with him

+1

Laureline · 27/08/2018 17:43

I wouldn’t have a baby In these circumstances. No, having an abortion is not easy, but neither is the alternative.

I would also dump the guy, and try and date a lot and find someone else. You still have time - don’t chain yourself to an unlivable situation.

KN2212 · 27/08/2018 17:55

OP - Firstly I’m sorry things aren’t working out the way you’d like but It’s important that you acknowledge your circumstances for what they are.

A baby brings stress that can cripple a loving established marriage, it certainly won’t ‘fix’ an already struggling on off relationship.

That being said if you’re worried about timing and in a position emotionally (and financially) to support a child and provide a home then try to enjoy your pregnancy on that basis. Make it about you and your child and not about him.

PLEASE don’t expect this guy to be any different than he was before ‘because’ of your pregnancy. That’s not how it works and I’ve seen so many women left disappointed and disalusioned. He may be throwing you a rope (offering to move in out of obligation or guilt -either way) but trust me if he felt the right way about you then you would have had a committed relationship earlier.

Try to have enough self respect not to clutch at straws. It sounds a little like you’re scared that times running out so you’re trying to hold onto a guy who isn’t interested enough to treat you the way you deserve.

It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your pregnancy and child but just please accept that if he didn’t love you before the baby he categorically won’t love you after/ because oh it.

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than trying to force the correct emotions (during such a important life step) from a guy who just doesn’t want to give it.

If you decide that you want to continue with your pregnancy I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can be strong enough to face it without this guy x

Original poster
poppy8410 · 27/08/2018 18:02

@KN2212 thank you

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 27/08/2018 18:30

And remember that you have the choice not to be a single parent if you don’t want to. Parenthood is really hard sometimes, and it’s hard with a loving supportive partner.

juneau · 27/08/2018 19:22

I haven't told anyone so no one to talk it through with

British Pregnancy Advisory Service www.bpas.org/

Marie Stopes www.mariestopes.org.uk/

OctaviaOctober · 27/08/2018 20:22

He would rather the woman pregnant with his baby take the risks in uprooting her life than him. He would rather see you have a three hour commute than inconvenience himself.

Of course I can't say for sure, but he may not be a great involved father. I would proceed as if though you were going it alone, make your decisions on that basis. If he does step up it's a bonus, but don't rely on him.

Whocansay · 27/08/2018 20:31

I think you should face facts. The relationship you have is not going to work. You were on and off before you got pregnant and I can tell you that having a baby does not make a relationship easier! It doesn't sound like either of you are in love with the other.

I suggest you call it a day, and find a way to co-parent. Lots of people manage it quite happily.

Tistheseason17 · 27/08/2018 20:44

He will love the baby but not you.

Be prepared to be a single mum.

It's not all about being financially stable. It's about children growing up around a stable family (together or not). Is arguing like you do going to provide this?

Sounds like you thought this was your last chance at 34yrs old. Rubbish. Better to wait and be a family with someone who adores you back. I had a child at 40.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/08/2018 20:52

Another saying the relationship is going nowhere and actually I don't think it would be sensible for either of you to uproot your lives to "give it a go". It's obvious that you both know this relationship isn't going to last so it would be really stupid for either of you to give up your job or home when in all likelihood you won't be together long term.

I know it's not what you want to hear poppy but if you want to continue with the pregnancy then you need to work on the basis that you'll be a single parent.

Jessiemay88 · 27/08/2018 21:07

Theres a lot of people suggesting 'ending the pregnancy' here which is not something she even asked for advice on..heaps of you. Shes asking for relationship advice. My parents were not together and i turned out fine.