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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH friendship with colleague

78 replies

marmite12345 · 27/08/2018 13:45

I'm for genuinely honest opinions. My DH has worked with female colleague for a number of years - of course that's normal and fine. I've never met her because his work is 1.5/2 hours away so he frequently stays over. My problem is the number of social things they seem to do together. Never just the two of them, different people but always her. She is single. I'm talking skiing holidays, corporate event e.g races, gigs etc. Then there are the helpful lifts she's happy to give just to him - not quick trips but long journeys (she was going anyway???). Then there's what seems to be constant texting/funny Facebook comments/tags etc. I mentioned this to my husband a few weeks ago and of course he went mad with me - saying she was the same as male friends etc. I told him I didn't want him to tell her we'd had the conversation but since then all Facebook comments/ texts etc seem to have stopped. What would you think?

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 27/08/2018 13:48

I'd think they were having an affair and I would do some digging without saying anything else to him to give him a chance to get it all hidden.

Singingtherapy · 27/08/2018 13:55

The truth is you really don't know. There's no direct formula - xyz behaviour = affair. I was that woman once. Developed an incredibly close friendship with a male colleague. We just really bonded and I found him great to talk to, same sense of humour etc. It was completely innocent! We were both married and there really was no attraction. To me it was no different to a female friend.

youricloudisfull · 27/08/2018 14:21

He went mad at you for asking about a woman he spends a lot of time with and constantly messages? Yeah he can get to fuck. I'd be telling him to get lost.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/08/2018 14:26

I would be thinking something could be going on OP sadly. It might not be but usually in cases like this there's more to it.

Does he text other females a lot?

MawkishTwaddle · 27/08/2018 14:26

My spidey senses would be tingling, OP.

Delatron · 27/08/2018 14:26

‘He frequently stays over’. Where? At work or her house?
They go skiing together? They seem to spend a hell of a lot of time together. If she’s such a close friend I think you need to meet her.

Defensiveness is never a good sign. In this situation .

To be honest affair or no affair I’d tell him to piss off and be with her considering the amount of time he spends with her and the emotional side of it all too; the constant massaging, tagging. I’d leave them to it.

HolyMountain · 27/08/2018 14:28

I’d be very unhappy if my Dh had such a close bond with another woman, I don’t care if that’s an unpopular opinion on here.

Bimgy85 · 27/08/2018 14:32

Oh I'd be doing a lot more digging if I were you. It's not looking good.

I don't care what others say, I wouldn't be happy for my DH to 'pal around' with a woman from work very regularly and having intimate jokes. No waaaay JoseHmm

SocialPiranha · 27/08/2018 14:36

She’s clearly at the very least a very good friend so even though he works quite far away it seems strange you haven’t met her. It’s been years and despite going on skiing holidays and things with her he hasn’t introduced his wife to her.

Him getting so arsey with you makes him look bad.

Allabitmuchisntit · 27/08/2018 15:11

Leave him.

KN2212 · 27/08/2018 15:44

I think a lot of women are made to feel unreasonable or like they’re over reacting when in fact they’re feeling exactly how every other woman would feel in the same situation.

YANBU it sounds inappropriate and if he blew up about it when you asked I would be even more concerned.

Gottagetmoving · 27/08/2018 15:53

Does he behave the same with male colleagues/friends?.... Facebook tags, comments etc?.... or just with her?
It doesn't mean they are having an affair but I would be suspicious too. He shouldn't go mad when you ask him about it, he should be concerned about your worries!

woodfires · 27/08/2018 15:56

Some of that stuff sounds pretty normal, traveling for work and the corporate gigs.
Taking holidays with her and traveling long distances socially does sound more unusual and it isn't okay to get grumpy just because you spoke to him. Is his relationship different with her to his other friends? He may just be her friend, he may be flattered by the attention or it may be more.

Delatron · 27/08/2018 16:13

Her driving him long distances out of her way sounds like she has a thing for him even if it’s not reciprocated. He clearly likes the attention.

Lambster · 27/08/2018 16:23

Judging by his reaction, I'd say there is something there. It might not be an affair, maybe just flirting / feelings. But his getting so mad about it is a definite sign of smoke (with possible fire).

Hopoindown31 · 27/08/2018 16:34

The problem is that his behaviour so far in inconclusive as he would behave exactlt the same way regardless of whether this is a friendship or something more. He'd be cross with you either way (for rumbling him or being controlling and jealous) and he would most likely shut down the communication (either as a response to being found out or as it being less bother than having an unhappy wife).

The problem is that the doubt has set in and you need to find a way to deal with that one way or another. One thing I know is that there are plenty of hurt and angry people on here who will try and convince you of the worst so get off MN and find more balanced support.

SilverySurfer · 27/08/2018 16:42

I've never met her because his work is 1.5/2 hours away so he frequently stays over.

Thousands of people commute for 1.5-2 hours each way every day. Do you know where he stays when he stays over and do other colleagues, including this woman, regularly do the same? Both attending corporate events doesn't sound unreasonable but going skiing etc sounds a bit off to me.

It sounds dodgy to me OP but no idea how you get the truth.

Good luck.

TheMonkeyMummy · 27/08/2018 16:43

Do you trust him?

CSIblonde · 27/08/2018 17:50

Are the skiing holidays just them or a group? Where does he stay over & do you get a hotel number in case of emergency? I'd be suspicious about so much staying over as I work for a huge team & a 1.5 to 2hr commute is the norm. None of them ever stay over.

When I was 19 & incredibly green, the man who told me he was separated stayed over twice a week to see me. (2hr commute).

delphguelph · 27/08/2018 17:53

He went on a skiing holiday with this woman? Alone?

Original poster
marmite12345 · 27/08/2018 18:00

Thanks for all your replies. Skiing holiday was in a group. I think I've been naive because it took me a while to cotton on to the fact she was always there! Yes I do trust him - I more feel a massive sense of irritation that she's always there. I can't attend the things he goes to because I have children at home. I also feel that if I was her I would be conscious of how it might look to his wife but I don't think she cares.

OP posts:
Delatron · 27/08/2018 18:01

My husband has a 1.5-2 hour commute and never stays over. Where is he staying? Do work pay for a hotel?

Nikephorus · 27/08/2018 18:11

More like she's at all these different events because she's single and therefore has no ties, and enjoys them & enjoys having people to do them with whose company she enjoys. They're not 'doing things together' they're just 'doing things at the same time'. And the texts etc. are more likely her seeing him as a mate - she's probably the same with loads of people of both sexes.
If it was a bloke you'd not think twice; the fact that she's female doesn't mean that she wants to shag him. Unless of course all straight women want to shag every bloke they spend time with?

fishonabicycle · 27/08/2018 18:16

I commute one hour and 40 minutes each way to work and never stay over! Going on group holidays without you is pretty odd - and odd that she is such a good mate and you've never met her.

fishonabicycle · 27/08/2018 18:17

I commute one hour and 40 minutes each way to work and never stay over! Going on group holidays without you is pretty odd - and odd that she is such a good mate and you've never met her.

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