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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH friendship with colleague

78 replies

marmite12345 · 27/08/2018 13:45

I'm for genuinely honest opinions. My DH has worked with female colleague for a number of years - of course that's normal and fine. I've never met her because his work is 1.5/2 hours away so he frequently stays over. My problem is the number of social things they seem to do together. Never just the two of them, different people but always her. She is single. I'm talking skiing holidays, corporate event e.g races, gigs etc. Then there are the helpful lifts she's happy to give just to him - not quick trips but long journeys (she was going anyway???). Then there's what seems to be constant texting/funny Facebook comments/tags etc. I mentioned this to my husband a few weeks ago and of course he went mad with me - saying she was the same as male friends etc. I told him I didn't want him to tell her we'd had the conversation but since then all Facebook comments/ texts etc seem to have stopped. What would you think?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2018 18:29

But if this colleague were a man, nobody would bat an eyelid. Regardless of the time spent, the messages, it would all be fine.

OP, if your husband is faithful to you then it doesn't matter who he spends work time with, he's off limits because he says so.

KN2212 · 27/08/2018 19:12

@lyingwitchinthewardrobe

Nope...I’d still think it was weird if it was a guy. Inside jokes, constant messaging, going out of their way to take long drives together and getting defensive if I questioned it. I’d think that was weird in any situation.

Delatron · 27/08/2018 19:19

I would think it was weird too, especially the long drives out of their way.

OP you haven’t answered about the staying over and that’s important. Where does he stay? That would annoy me as he’s missing family time. Many people do that sort of commute and manage to come home every night.

Let’s not make this a ‘men and women can be friends you know’ thread as that’s ignoring lots of other signs.

Annabelle4 · 27/08/2018 19:20

They'd be far more secretive than that if they were having an affair, surely...

(Tagging on Facebook etc)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2018 19:41

KN2212, I suppose the question is whether OP is unhappy with the amount of time he spends with her/at home and the other part of the question is whether she trusts him because, if he's going to be unfaithful, no amount of 'policing' will stop him.

People joke all the time about 'bro-mances' and don't think anything of them - put a woman into the role though and all hell breaks loose.

If he's faithful then no amount of gorgeous OW-in-waiting would have any effect.

Delatron it's not a 'man-v-woman- thread but it's relevant, however much we might think differently. This scenario is a woman so all the responses are skewed that way and the woman truly isn't the issue - it's the OP's husband that is the 'problem'.

Original poster

marmite12345 · 27/08/2018 21:16

He stays in a hotel when he's away. She will sometimes stay in the same hotel. I don't mind him staying away because I know it can be tiring travelling. I think I would be happier if I'd met her but that is unlikely to happen.

OP posts:

Delatron · 27/08/2018 21:25

marmite Do you mean he stays in a hotel after work because of the commute, he’s not ‘away’ is he? Then she is also staying in the same hotel because of a long (ish) commute. Do you know where she lives?

I think many people do that type of commute without having to stay in hotels...

AskMeHow · 27/08/2018 21:34

It's weird that they're such close friends and you've never met her. It's also a bit odd that having mentioned it, the comments and messages have stopped AND he got defensive with you. If he'd said 'there's nothing going on but I can see how it looks' and stopped with the messaging and Facebook, but to react like that is odd and I wouldn't be happy.

Theresnodisneyending · 27/08/2018 21:37

It's weird that they're such close friends and you've never met her. It's also a bit odd that having mentioned it, the comments and messages have stopped AND he got defensive with you

^^THIS.

Laiste · 27/08/2018 21:49

Does he drive this hour and a half commute? or is it transport?

jacks11 · 27/08/2018 22:09

It's also a bit odd that having mentioned it, the comments and messages have stopped

I don't think it's odd at all, if you think about it. OP has said she has an issue with it, so he has either asked her to stop the tagging/messaging because it's clear OP has a problem with it or he told his friend about what happened and she has decided to stop as a result.

Now, he could have asked her to stop as he doesn't want to upset OP/to try and keep the peace, or he could have asked her to stop to try and cover up an affair though latter seems a very ineffective way to handle things as he already knows his wife is suspicious. If she has decided to stop, it's could be because she doesn't want to cause issues for her friend. Or possibly, again, to try to cover up an affair. Again, not particularly effective way of doing so.

Banana8080 · 27/08/2018 22:11

You need to go full FBI on this, might be something might be nothing but you need peace of mind. Trust your instinct, itskept our species alive until now.

This will be harder as you’ve already raised her with him, but not impossible. Or hire a PI.

You are doing what you need to do to protect your family.

jacks11 · 27/08/2018 22:22

From what you've said, I agree with Lying who said if your husband is faithful to you then it doesn't matter who he spends work time with, he's off limits because he says so

I believe men and women can be good friends without developing a sexual relationship. I know some people do not believe this to be possible. I also don't think it wise to start dictating who your partner can and cannot be friends with (in the vast majority of cases).

There are 2 main issues. 1) do you trust your husband? If not, then that is an issue in your relationship you need to address. If he says nothing is going on, you need to either believe him or decide you don't believe what he says and then decide what you where you go from there.

If you trust him- are you happy with the amount of time he spends away from home? I can see that a four hour daily commute could be an issue- I wouldn't want to do it. If he is away from home a lot, it is not surprising he would want to spend some of that time with others- it would be extremely lonely sitting in a hotel room every night.

I am unclear whether OP's DH attends these events as part of work, or simply with work colleagues. If it is part of work/helpful for work, then it's not all just about him having fun (though am sure he does have fun), if the latter then I think OP has the right to ask her DH to spend more time at home when not actually working. If he doesn't want to, then again it would be clear that there are issues within their relationship that need addressed.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 27/08/2018 22:40

I am a little confused, he is away alot with work where this OW is regularly, he goes away skiing in a group which includes her. What do you do as a family with him? Do you go on holiday, go out together etc etc?

jacks11 · 27/08/2018 22:43

Also think you need to be careful re the snooping/"going full on FBI". I'm not saying don't keep your eyes and ears open if you truly are suspicious- but you can go too far.

I can't say whether he's having an affair or not based on the information given. He hasn't been very good at covering his tracks if he has been having an affair though- seems a bit daft to have all those messages, letting OP know she was at all these events... I don't know, they could just genuinely be friends. Or really bad at being discrete!

I would say that being defensive does not necessarily mean he's up to no good. Maybe he was genuinely upset and/or offended at being accused of having an affair? I was, in similar circumstances.

I had a ex who was convinced I was having an affair (I wasn't) and he snooped and spied on me, determined to find the "evidence" he needed. I found it so incredibly invasive and felt that he breached my trust and privacy. I was deeply hurt and incredibly angry about what he had done. I felt that if he really believed I was having an affair, there was no point in continuing the relationship as without trust there wasn't much point in carrying on- so I ended that relationship due to his behaviour.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 27/08/2018 22:44

I agree with others that the way he has reacted is almost more suspicious than the original circumstances that made you suspicious!

FWIW, after reading a lot on here about how to confront men who are cheating, I made sure to ask my DP face to face if I had anything to worry about re: a female friend in a similar situation. I was able to look into his eyes as we spoke, he was calm and reassuring, explained what had happened and said "This doesn't have to be the end of this discussion, if you want to talk about it another time I'm happy to". That in itself put a lot of my fears to rest, as he can get quite agitated easily and an accusation is exactly the type of thing to send him into full on defence mode usually.

Your H has become instantly defensive, then changed his usual patterns of behaviour to try and put you off the scent (has his friend maybe blocked you so you can't see her?) I would not feel reassured by his reaction, I'm sorry.

jacks11 · 27/08/2018 22:46

sorry- posted too early. I also wondered why he didn't end the relationship, if he was so convinced that I was having an affair. Why go to the bother of digging and snooping, if he was so convinced he was right?

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2018 22:50

I can't attend the things he goes to because I have children at home
What, you can’t attend the holidays and long drives he goes on because the two of you have kids? Please tell me your marriage deal is not that you stay home all the time while he goes on holidays and whatever with other people. Being a stay at home mum is for husband being at work not for his entire life?
Agree his reaction is odd . Is he the defensive type who fires up in reaction , thinks about it after and goes oh that might not look great actually and stops messaging but can’t admit hes in the wrong to you? It does seem odd that he has stopped messaging altogether just like that when he doesn’t admit anything wrong - is he contacting her by another means?

Timeisslippingaway · 27/08/2018 22:51

But if this colleague were a man, nobody would bat an eyelid. Regardless of the time spent, the messages, it would all befine.

I hate when people say this. Obviously not because presumably OPs husband is a straight man so he's not going to potentially have sex with a male colleague, or any male for that matter!

jacks11 · 27/08/2018 22:52

MyRelationship

It's great that your husband was able reassure you- but when I was accused by an ex of having an affair, I was quite defensive even though I had nothing to hide. I was defensive because I was really upset that he believed that I was having an affair and I was angry that he thought I would behave that way. My immediate reaction was not to solely worry about his feelings or reassuring him, I'm afraid. So perhaps her husband's initial reaction was not because he is having an affair.

sunsunsunsunsun · 27/08/2018 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poptart4 · 27/08/2018 23:41

Something in your gut is telling you their relationship is not above board. Trust your intuition.

His reaction when you mentioned how it looked between them was ott. Defensiveness is never a good sign op. Then completely changing their behaviour is another red flag.

If i was you i would do some digging. Check his messages, emails, bank records, ohone records etc. If you find nothing great but id want to know. It could be they are having an affair or it could be they are just friends right now but their relationship is building into a potential affair if not nipped in the bud now. Its so easy for work colleagues to get the lines blurred. Especially when they spend so much time together.

Keep your eyes open op.

BlueBug45 · 27/08/2018 23:52

OP you make excuses of why you haven't met her but they aren't very strong excuses. You should have found a baby sitter to go to one of your husbands' events to meet her and see how they interact. You can still do so.

I've met all my male friends' long term partners. Incidentally only one of them was jealous of me, as the others knew I was a friend before or around the same time they arrived on the scene.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2018 23:58

I mentioned this to my husband a few weeks ago and of course he went mad with me

Not 'of course'. If DH mentions the remote possibility of me fancying my male friends I laugh. Because it's ridiculous. I don't get angry! And when I've said, after reading stuff on here, "you don't care about me going out with Tim", he will laugh too because he knows there's not a hope in hell I'd shag any of my male friends. Anger is a really defensive, guilty response. Either that or anger is his go-to and you've got different issues.

delphguelph · 28/08/2018 00:04

He stays in a hotel when he's away. She will sometimes stay in the same hotel

Oh come on

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