DH friendship with colleague

[marmite12345]

I'm for genuinely honest opinions. My DH has worked with female colleague for a number of years - of course that's normal and fine. I've never met her because his work is 1.5/2 hours away so he frequently stays over. My problem is the number of social things they seem to do together. Never just the two of them, different people but always her. She is single. I'm talking skiing holidays, corporate event e.g races, gigs etc. Then there are the helpful lifts she's happy to give just to him - not quick trips but long journeys (she was going anyway???). Then there's what seems to be constant texting/funny Facebook comments/tags etc. I mentioned this to my husband a few weeks ago and of course he went mad with me - saying she was the same as male friends etc. I told him I didn't want him to tell her we'd had the conversation but since then all Facebook comments/ texts etc seem to have stopped. What would you think?

You need to meet her. Get her round for dinner, you’ll soon see if anything is going on

jacks, I know what you're saying, but I think its about intuition a bit too. It's not just the words someone says, but how they say them and how well you trust them. Your anger may well have been justified in that situation. Knowing how I asked him (ie not accusing, just wanting some clarification) it warranted a certain type of response, which luckily he gave!

If your ex came blazing in being all paranoid and accusing you then of course you had every right to be angry and defensive. I think we generally know our partners well enough to see their 'tells' if we look closely. That's why face to face is so important.

Next time his work involved an overnight stay in an hotel I'd be faking an illness so bad he'd have to stay at home and look after his children. His reaction to this would tell me all I needed to know.
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He's obviously taken the conversations with her away from your eyes. I don't believe it's stopped.

He stays in hotels because of a 2 hour commute?

I'd say you're naive about this...but it sounds like your a SAHM with not much of a social life.

You can't stop whatever's going on with them...you can start doing more for yourself.

Develop a support and social network.

Take up a hobby...preferably one that gets you out of the house.

Be more than a wife and a mum. Do things for you

I agree with Aintnothingbutaheartache, you need to meet her and also go on some of these skiing trips/other activities. This will establish you among his work colleagues as a "real person", not an unknown person whom he occasionally mentions. If this woman is interested in your DH, your increased presence will signal that you're a happy couple and that you're willing to fight for your relationship.

I had a similar, but less intense, situation with DH and one of his colleagues a few years ago (I posted about it on another thread). I sensed that something was brewing and turned up a couple of times at his workplace as a surprise and made sure to attend social occasions, where I was friendly towards her. Without any confrontation, I made it clear that we were a solid couple and that DH was a no-go area. She got the message and backed off.

I know you have children to take care of, but you need to get some babysitters (if you have family or friends who can help out, maybe even confide your suspicions) and make your presence felt.
I hope it all works out.

Like PP have said it’s his reaction that would set my spidey senses tingerling.

My DH had that commute one time (as do many posters and their significant others) and had no need to stay over.....

He’s also gone on skiing holidays without me, but I was always invited (even with DC).....

He’s had nights out (social and work related), I’ve not gone to all of them but I’ve been to as many as I was able to because DH wanted me to go......

Even if your DH isn’t doing anything, IMO you really need to make a few changes, as he is royally taking the piss.

they stay in the same hotel jeez

ive been in this position and if nothing has already happened, its a PERFECT set up for things to develop. he gets all the fun that comes with female company with her and none of the boring, home/children stuff.

its the perfect environment for something to blossom. the same thing happened with my exDP. all those shared car journeys, work nights out, in jokes, shared memories - the man starts to think “hey this woman is so much fun! all my OH does is moan about laundry/cleaning/bills. maybe i actually really have a connection with WorkWoman..”

its heart breaking to look back and watch it unfold in hindsight. you cant properly examine what is happening in real time, but read back what you have written - they stay at the SAME hotel an hour away.. im not saying they’re having sex, but they probably “hang out” watch tv, before you know it its
ok to have a cuddle. thats where the line is crossed.

i dont have any advice other than he needs a new job, and that isnt exactly a small or easy solution.

Would you be this upset if this friend was a man?

marmite I used to work quite far from home so I used to stay 2 nights a week in a Travelodge, for around 3 years. My DH never had any concerns about me, he never needed to be worried about who I was spending time with.

Had I developed an attack of the "mentionitis" about some bloke at work, had him on my Fb feed, gone on various events and always mentioned that fact to my DH, then he'd have got mighty pissed off about the whole arrangement. None of that happened because the only person who counts in my world is my DH and I make damn certain I don't stress him out needlessly.

It sounds like your DH is getting carried away with this random woman at work. He must be doing the mentionitis thing (bringing her up in conversation on a regular basis) otherwise you'd never know.

If he is then he's a complete idiot, and you need to tell him to grow up and be the father to his children and the husband that he committed to being, ie shape up or ship out. Shake him out of his dream world that he seems to be in and face reality.

Lots of people stay in hotel due to 2 hour commute. 20 hours of driving a week is hell. We both regularly stay over 1 or 2 nights a week and both if my Bil do the same, can be cheaper than the petrol. That isn’t unusual .

I used to work quite far from home so I used to stay 2 nights a week in a Travelodge, for around 3 years. My DH never had any concerns about me, he never needed to be worried about who I was spending time with.

I know doz bus of people who do this, working long hours with a driving commute isn’t doable or safe. My dh is looking at a new job between 1.5-2.5 hours depending on traffic and we have built 2 nights away into the costing when negotiating a salary. It is also important to be able to socialise with colleagues if that is part of the culture.

Why are you so out of the loop? Why don't you go on holidays..go to your dhs Christmas party? Is this his decision or yours? As already said get a baby sitter and start going.. Maybe next time he is staying over get your dm to come and mind children say you are shopping in his city and suggest ye meet for dinner and stay over. I would start joining that crowd more.
I get on great with male colleagues but no way would l have so much interaction with them out of respect for their wives( and my dh) If we text a few times because something has come up l chat about it then end the conversation. Same with guys l do hobbies with and there are quite a few.

AmIcrazy Your post made me sad. You (general) can't fight for a relationship by yourself, it needs two people and neither of those will be the person-of-interest, it's not their job.

It's up to the two people in the relationship to make it work but, if they have to fight for it then it's pointless, don't you think? If both are faithful in it then there's nothing that needs fighting for.

I'm sorry but EVERY time I read that a woman prescribes that she must meet the female friend, I picture an Andy Capp-esque cartoon person.

Also, you don't have to meet friends like some sort of censor. It either happens naturally or it's forced. Not great for a relationship, is it?

OP's husband sounds dismissive of her, that is what she needs to tackle - HARD. Other people are immaterial, if he has no regard for the OP or his vows then that is very much on him.

I wouldn't be relieved by the 'tailing off' of texts and calls. That's planned between the two and it's not for the purposes of saving OP's relationship with her husband. The only thing that would save it is if HE decides that he wants it and if OP decides that he's actually worth the bother. I'm not sure that I'd bother myself, he doesn't sound very nice.

I agree with daisychain01's post; he needs to commit to the marriage - or leave it.

Being married isn't the be all and end all; there are so many women who put up with monstrous behaviour for the sake of staying married. If the other person in it isn't committed then what's the point really?

MyRelationshipIsWeird

Exactly I think if you go in angrily accusing someone of cheating of course you're going to get a defensive reaction. If you just calmly ask your partner for some reassurance with regard to a friendship you should be able to expect a calm response.

It sounds like they were having/are having an Emotional Affair.

I would do some snooping and get more information, without alerting his suspicions, and then decide what to do.

It sounds suspicious....

I'm sorry. x

My son manages a team. They often have to travel to different locations and there are males and females. Some of the locations are a few hours commute so they stay over in the same hotel. It's quite common these days.
Some people will have affairs but not all. I don't think spouses have to be involved in these work situations or have to know their partners colleagues just because they are female.
My son has enough work stress without having to worry that his wife suspects he is doing something dodgy because he has female colleagues or friends.
There are two sides to this but you have to decide whether you trust your partner or not and if you don't and you can't discuss it with them then your relationship is very shaky.

OP is right to be at least mildly concerned, though it could be nothing of course.

My employer has a work ski trip every year - was it a group trip like that? Our work culture is very much just us, no partners, so it would be very weird indeed for a wife to suddenly turn up at the Christmas party (more than weird in fact). I've worked with people for over a decade whose partners I've never met.

Where are the lifts from and to? Again, if they're work related then that's not that strange.

would you be this concerned if the friend was male?

such a stupid question, why is it always brought up? the DH isnt gay, unless he is bi then she probably wouldn’t be worried.

a straight man having this sort of “friendship” with another woman while married isn’t great. because they might have sex. two straight men are more than likely not going to want to shag each other.

The fact that he got really angry, especially if that's an unusual reaction from him with conflict, and a sudden change in behaviour on social media from both of them after confronted...well neither of those bode well.

He may not have had sex with her yet, but it sounds like an emotional affair at the very least.

esk1mo, Where has OP mentioned sex? If we're talking about friendship only then that boils down to 'time away from home and OP'. Equal for either sex and I think the question is valid.

They might have sex, they might not, she may not even be interested. At the moment it's not about sex.

@Thundercracker

OK, perhaps showing up to some of these specific work trips would be weird, but surely your colleagues socialise a bit outside work? Ours have the odd BBQ, party or sports event that whole families are invited to. I've hosted a few over the years, because they enable us to at least meet the folks that our OHs are spending hours every week with. It's resulted in some good friendships with other couples/families.

I suppose some workplaces keep home/work life completely separate, but I/DH has never worked anywhere like that.

lying because she wouldn’t be worried about it progressing to sexual contact with another man. surely you can work that out.

and the OP asked “what would you think?” hence my thinking it could lead to an attraction, a crush, kissing, sex etc