To Not Want Strangers to Join a Small Family Event?

[MischaPop]

One of our Christmas family traditions is to go to a Christmas event at a local attraction. Usually as well as myself there is DP, DS, DM, DF, DMIL and DSis attend (Also sometimes DSis partner) We are looking to book for Christmas 2018 and DM has invited a couple that nobody else has met. I have told her I would rather keep it to family only. DP and DSis agree. I just think two strangers coming along changes the dynamic quite a bit! Would like opinions on whether IBU. DM is not happy that I would prefer her friends didn't join.
(Post edited by MNHQ)

@pictish

Because her dp is shy

Did you ever consider that your DM might not see your DMIL as 'family' other than in name, and may actually like her friends more?

Oh and your ADULT DH needs to get a grip. He's not so crippled by shyness that he can't go out in public, so he needs to suck it up. Poor lamb.

It sounds really nice. Can I come?

Maybe DM is sick to the back teeth of an enforced tradition and doing the same thing year after year after year and wants to shake things up a bit?

Wouldn't be happy with this at all.

Someone randomer coming with you on a Christmas family evening out? Having to small talk, what's your favorite part of Christmas etc bullshit with them? No. Your MIL can take them out separately if she pleases.

Sorry, DM not MIL.

Totally not the point of the thread, but I love Beamish and I’ve never been to the Xmas evenings. Googled it, and totally going to book to go now, so thanks for highlighting! 😊
Sorry about your family dilemma. I’d suck it up gracefully whether you agree or not. It’s probably not worth going to war over, and you’ll only seem churlish. They might be lovely. Good luck. Having said this, I’d sulk quietly for a couple of days meself.

Yanbu. I'd hate this and agree with Myimaginary, this may have been more acceptable if it would have been a conversation rather than an instruction.

We don't get together just my family. I cba'd with randoms like this.

For everyone thinking the more the merrier there's someone else thinking less is more.

There are also people that fancy joingjng in with things but never arrange them. They've seen you have a nice time and have decided to geg in, they could have gone themselves. Your mum is MTM; I think it s rude to invite yourself to someone else's family day out (LIM).

We had some randoms arrive at the airport for a weekend away for ILs big bday. And stay at the same hotel. They thought it would be a nice surprise. I would never do this, they had no shame and were a massive pain in the arse.

You say 'purchase' two extra tickets that doesn't necessarily mean you are expected to pay for them. Are you paying for this whole shindig or does everyone pay their own way? If you are paying then no, not unreasonable to resent two extra people being pushed on you. If not, I'm more getting the feeling that as the 'organizer' you're seeing yourself as the host, it's your thing and you like keeping it exclusive even if others want to extend the circle a bit. I think the Christmas thing is a bit if a red herring on this occasion, if it's happening on or very close to your DM's birthday surely she's allowed a say in who she celebrates with.

Also the OP's mother in law is only her mother's "family" in the very loosest sense of the word.

Oh and they/ DM can get their own tickets.

If only their was a seasonally appropriate moral story about being kind, generous, and giving during a certain time of year.

In things like this, just give people the benefit of the doubt and assume the most kind option: Maybe they are lonely and your DM is being generous to include them. Maybe they lost their parents and your DM is being kind to include them.

Seriously, you two sound like a bunch of grinches. All you have to do is say hello and enjoy the night.

Seriously, you two sound like a bunch of grinches. All you have to do is say hello and enjoy the night

And have a sit down dinner with them in the afternoon

Just looked as well. If only Beamish wasn't so far away, it looks amazing.

YANBU. If sh'ed asked and it was someone who otherwise would be alone, then maybe. But inviting a random couple no-one else knows is just rude. It suggests that she thinks her family isn't interesting enough to have Christmas with. It will change the dynamics, and make it a less intimate family affair.

To all those who say 'the more the merrier', we don't all like this. (We'll send the random strangers your way). For some of us, Christmas is the only time we get to see all our family together. Inviting random strangers isn't part of that.

I'm with OP. You don't invite people along to a planned event without checking with the others first. It's bad manners. It doesn't matter if it's a Christmas tradition or just an evening down the pub on a random May evening. If you have arrangements with someone then you check with them BEFORE inviting anyone else. YANBU OP.

This is the kind of thing my mother does. It pisses me off too because it’s the expectation that Dh and I will pay, plus there’s no consultation before hand. It’s bloody rude imo.

She even did it when Dd got married. I found out from someone else, that she’d invited a step- aunt who (no one can stand) is of a rather strong character.
I was so angry I phoned up my mum and told her she’d have to uninvite her! She hasn’t done anything like this since.

So OP Id phone your mum and tell her why youre cross.
1.no consultation
2.the presumption you will pay.

Just tell her!

I love Beamish, it's one of my favourite places but i've never been to the Christmas event. can i come too?? :-)

Where's the presumption OP will pay come from? If I was DM and "just told" I'd "just tell" OP I'd go with my friends and the rest of the family could do as they liked.

How are this couple getting there? I'd let your mum go with them or when you arrive ask where she is meeting them and then say, right we'll meet you to go home at 9pm outside the main doors. Then leave her with the, to do their own thing, she won't invite them next year.

I certainly wouldn't be buying tickets for strangers without the money up front.

I agree with OP. It may be a big event, but the visit itself, including the family meal beforehand, is a small family tradition and her DM had no business inviting more people without checking with all the other participants. It's particularly rude to OP's in-laws - whilst DM might assume that her own children would have no objection, she couldn't assume that of people who have no relationship with her. If everyone did this, the whole event would become a total unwieldy nightmare.

I also question whether it's really going to be that much fun for the guests. When they turn up it will be very obvious that they're the odd ones out as they're not related to anyone else who'll be there, and the family are in the nature of things likely to be talking about family topics and how the event compares with previous years when they've been there on their own, so they may well feel quite left out. If OP's family goes in for their own family traditions, e.g. about what they see and do at the event in what order, they won't necessarily understand them or want to follow them.

I think YABU, what’s the big deal? And surely the spirit of Christmas is to spread the cheer or something like that?

Did this start as your family tradition or hers?