I realised something about ex MIL today

[Itsnotmelove]

Separated for a year, and I’m now on good terms with ex. He was dropping the DC off today, he told me that ex MIL has been complaining to him about ex SILs new DH. How he’s this and that, he’s a loner, not social, always hiding in the bedroom when she comes round. And SILs DH refused to come to a family event because MIL was there (she doesn’t know this)

Now this woman has put me through hell for 7 years when I was with her son, I tried so hard to get on with her but she would always slag me off behind my back, give me silent treatment for days on end for no reason, told her son he deserved better and tried to set her son up with other women multiple times(when seeing an attractive women in public or tv, she’d always ask her son “don’t she look nice”, “she’s beautiful isn’t she?” right in front me out of spite) she’d always make me feel awkward, she’d never talk to me unless I spoke to her first etc. She loves to judge other people and their lives/parenting, even though she has no friends, no job, no social life and spends all her time at her daughters/sons house.

Towards the end of my marriage, I realised I’d never get on with her no matter how much I tried, so I distanced myself from her and whenever she came round, I’d go out or stay in the bedroom. I also used to think about how she would be with the new DIL, would she like her more than me etc. All those thoughts used to go through my mind, but today I realised something. She will never change, she will never be a better MIL to the new DIL.

I remember smiling as ex was telling me all this, not because I was happy about the situation. But relieved in a way, because I realised, it’s not me ITS HER!

Now that I’m out of her life, she set her teeth in BIL. Poor guy.

I know there are women on MN who are confused as to why their MIL doesn’t like them despite their efforts, or wondering if they will be nicer to the new DIL. Know that if your MIL doesn’t like you despite your efforts, it has nothing to do with you.

Everyone gossips and anyone who says they don't is lying.

This whole website is us gossiping!

What badmouthing, lego? Perhaps you could give us an example?

It’s not the discussing, it’s the badmouthing

It's not badmouthing when its true! Come on now, why are you determined to make out bluelady is in the wrong? Hit a nerve?

No nerves hit.

We don’t know it’s true. We do know that everyone in bluelady’s family talked to her about how they didn’t like the stepsons partner.

“BertrandRussell Some people in my family gossip, not all. Some would never say a bad word about anyone.”

So if family member Y goes to them in distress because they have been so upset by the conduct of person X, they refuse to talk about it, even if person X has been vile to them too? Leaving Y thinking that they are being uniquely singled out?

I always think if you have a history of falling out with a lot of people, then its you. My SIL falls out with people all the time. It is her.

My opinion is simple, when a whole family discusses their dislike for a persons partner, I find that unnerving.

Bertrand bluelady said she didn’t fit in, not that she had been vile. That could mean they are all beers willing drunks and the girlfriend was a teetotaller, who knows. They didn’t like her for it though.

I am in hysterics here that some people are trying to paint bluelady as a villain because her family didn’t like her stepson’s partner, and that GASP they acknowledged that to one another.

Isn’t MN the place where everyone says “if the whole family doesn’t like OH, they can’t all be wrong”. Just hilarious - especially you lego, keep going 😂😂😂😂😂😂

crispysausagerolls I don’t think it’s some people, just me.

The laughing at me or the “hit a nerve?” Tactics won’t change my opinion though!

The not fitting in is the unnerving bit. What bit of her didn’t fit in bluelady?

AlphabetSoupcon

WHY is it unnerving?! People don’t fit in all the time! My SIL doesn’t fit in because we all laugh and joke and she sits in silence in the corner and whispers into my brother’s ear. I don’t fit into a lot of groups because I am quite opinionated and talkative. Not everyone likes that. Why does everyone have to fit in? What’s wrong with recognising they don’t?

lego

Other people have been grilling bluelady too.

crispy bluelady has been asked and won’t say why she didn’t fit in. So, could be anything. I’m not going to speculate and be banned though!

It’s rare that sn entire family takes against someone so badly...

Dp has two sisters, both of who have children about the same age as ours. We fit in with one family because we have similar likes and dislikes, and not with the other because we don’t. I honestly don’t understand why that is even remotely controversial.

BertrandRussell do you dislike the others because they aren’t the same as you?

Bluelady’s family all dislike this woman because she doesn’t fit in.

AlphabetSoupcon

As I said, SIL does not fit in with us. Maybe it’s not the main reason we all dislike her, but it certainly contributes that she comes round for Christmas Day 2 hours late and sits in the corner in silence, despite everyone else having a good time and trying to include her. That sort of not fitting in, every single family lunch or dinner can be quite grating and has a long term impact.

crispysausagerolls do you dislike your SIL because she whispers in your brothers ear? Does your entire family dislike her for it? You say “not everyone” likes that, so presumably some don’t mind. Perhaps some members of your family even like her?

Every member of bluelady’s family dislikes this woman (is it a woman?) partner. She is different to them in some way and they don’t like it.

X post.

I think the controversial/unnerving issue is the use of 'fitting in' and its equation to like/dislike.

If Bluelady would have said we didn't like her because she was vile/rude/obnoxious/voted remain/leave then those are somehow real reasons to like/dislike someone.

But 'fitting in' is a different thing. I do not think I fit in in my DH's family. I come from a very different background and have very different views and opinions on many things. We still like each other and I am very fond of my MIL and she is of me.

Bluelady admitted she would not tell us why the woman didn’t “fit in”, just that her family disliked her for not being likecghem.

I will assume then that bluelady knows that she would be judged harshly if she admitted the reason.

That is what I meant about her digging a hole earlier in the thread!

It's very common to stepchild threads too. The stepmum doesn't realize that they wouldn't like any stepmother and there really isn't anything that they can do. Bending over backgrounds to try and please someone who doesn't like you ends up irritating them more ime.

I can't really imagine being pleased when someone's relationship breaks up (aside from abuse etc.). That just seems so unkind.

I was sad for my brother, of course. But Christ I was glad never to have to deal with his wife's corrosive behaviour any more. Can you really not imagine that?

@MinecraftHolmes my point exactly "fitting in" means different things to different people. So Bluelady was right to be asked, because it wasn't clear.

@BertrandRussell superficial? 🤔 okay

laddersandsnakes So you're prepared to make a negative assumption about somebody because she isn't willing to give you the juicy gossip. That says it all really.