I realised something about ex MIL today

[Itsnotmelove]

Separated for a year, and I’m now on good terms with ex. He was dropping the DC off today, he told me that ex MIL has been complaining to him about ex SILs new DH. How he’s this and that, he’s a loner, not social, always hiding in the bedroom when she comes round. And SILs DH refused to come to a family event because MIL was there (she doesn’t know this)

Now this woman has put me through hell for 7 years when I was with her son, I tried so hard to get on with her but she would always slag me off behind my back, give me silent treatment for days on end for no reason, told her son he deserved better and tried to set her son up with other women multiple times(when seeing an attractive women in public or tv, she’d always ask her son “don’t she look nice”, “she’s beautiful isn’t she?” right in front me out of spite) she’d always make me feel awkward, she’d never talk to me unless I spoke to her first etc. She loves to judge other people and their lives/parenting, even though she has no friends, no job, no social life and spends all her time at her daughters/sons house.

Towards the end of my marriage, I realised I’d never get on with her no matter how much I tried, so I distanced myself from her and whenever she came round, I’d go out or stay in the bedroom. I also used to think about how she would be with the new DIL, would she like her more than me etc. All those thoughts used to go through my mind, but today I realised something. She will never change, she will never be a better MIL to the new DIL.

I remember smiling as ex was telling me all this, not because I was happy about the situation. But relieved in a way, because I realised, it’s not me ITS HER!

Now that I’m out of her life, she set her teeth in BIL. Poor guy.

I know there are women on MN who are confused as to why their MIL doesn’t like them despite their efforts, or wondering if they will be nicer to the new DIL. Know that if your MIL doesn’t like you despite your efforts, it has nothing to do with you.

It’s the fact that Bluelady felt she could pass a nasty comment about another person on a thread such as this that made me pause. The unawareness of it!

Plus, the speaking for everyone. If it’s true and blue lady knoes that every single one of them didn’t like her, there must be a lot of backstabbing and gossip in her family. They don’t sound very nice.

Knows

No, we're horrible, lego. Good job you'll never meet us.

My point proved!

“So to me not fitting in simply means being snobby when you have no right to be”

Does it? Wow. Do you fit into every group you come across, then?

I think what some people need to remember on MN is that we only get one side of the story.

Why would that be the case? Aren't there MILs on here? I've certainly seen a few threads about MIL feeling their DIL is shutting them out.

It was the “none of us liked her” and “there was a lot of secret relief when they separated” that got me, sounds like Bluelady and family really ganged up on the poor woman

Its so bizarre to assume the woman is some sort of poor victim who the family ganged up. Why not assume she was an absolute horror that nobody liked because she was awful? It's easily if not more likely.

I have a BIL who is a complete and utter wanker. No, he doesn't fit in with our family and nobody likes him. Because he's a truly awful person and nobody with any kind of decency would like him! That doesn't make the rest of the family mean bullies who gang up on him, does it?

Op, I agree with you.

if I were to have a new man in my life, his mother would be one of the first things I would check out.
On pass experience, her insisting on choosing his kitchen, sharing a bank account , having a key, expecting to stay for two weeks every Xmas and sneering at any woman who works or doesn’t work would have me running for the hills. Life is too short to waste and much happier when there simply isn’t a mil.

goodgirls presumably your sister likes your Bil

Not very much, actually. We think she is finally ready to get rid of him (at which point we may actually have a party)

Why not assume she was an absolute horror that nobody liked because she was awful?

We can only judge by the one side the of the story we have.

You are making things up, in your own words you have assumed knowledge.

I am going on what I have read, that I quoted directly. According to Bluelazy everyone in her family disliked this woman, do they must have talked badly about her for bluelady to know that!

@BertrandRussell Yes as a matter of fact it does, based on my experience of how I was treated and the context of my in-laws, yes. But like I said "fitting in" is subjective. And I know of no group (other than mothering ones) where I'm made to feel less than, every group I've been a part of I've managed to find my place. As I'm quite amenable.

What I’m saying is we don’t know if the woman is horrible, whereas we know bluelady’s family gossiped about her and was pleased when she left or was asked to leave.

It was about two years before we started comparing notes about my brother’s wife. Until then, each of us thought it was just us. And was very unhappy about it.

I suppose it depends what you mean by “fitting in”. If you mean being able to get on superficially and be polite then yes of course you’re right.

It’s not at all about being “snobby”. I know where I wouldn’t fit in. I wouldn’t fit in around SIL’s partner’s family. I didn’t fit in with people at uni whose life experiences meant that it was perfectly normal to go skiing every February, or the people who liked taking drugs on a night out. They weren’t being snobby, and I wasn’t being snobby, to be aware of that.

Getting on superficially and being polite is what we did for 15 years. It's not our definition of fitting in.

What I’m saying is we don’t know if the woman is horrible, whereas we know bluelady’s family gossiped about her and was pleased when she left or was asked to leave.

No, we know blueladys family talked about her, which is perfectly normal, and its also perfectly normal to be pleased someone you don't like leaves.

You are making things up, in your own words you have assumed knowledge

No, that's you. I've assumed nothing other than the fact that it could be one way or it could be another. You have jumped on to one side with no basis for that.

My family can't stand my DP and his family can't stand me. It's tough but we just agree to keep the family stuff separate and our relationship is nobody else's business.

Blue lady knows that they all disliked her. So they all must have said at some point that they disliked her.

yes. And? That's not gossip. We've all said we dislike BIL to each other. And to him as well.

“Blue lady knows that they all disliked her. So they all must have said at some point that they disliked her.”

Of course. If you’re finding somebody difficult, do you not talk about it? It took 2 years for that to start happening in my family.

I defy anyone - including you, lego - to know someone for 15 years and never discuss them with anyone else.

BertrandRussell Some people in my family gossip, not all. Some would never say a bad word about anyone. All the people in bluelady’s family said they disliked the strpson’s partner. I find that unnerving and ganging up.

It’s not the discussing, it’s the badmouthing