Men who tell you what to wear

[Yorkshireteas]

He hasn't told me like that yet, but he sends me pics and says this and that would look nice on me. Been seeing him for 2 months, I don't know what to say. What do you think? Warning sign?

I wouldn't like this and I'd end it after just 2 months.

Take me as I am or leave me is how I feel...and I apply the same principle.

The reaction on here explains why my dp says "it's more trouble than it's worth" to express an opinion on what I wear.

Nip it in the bud straightaway with a simple reply.

'LOL'

If he tries again

'And here is something that would look great on you (insert photo of something vile and ridiculous)'

If he tries it again it's time to get rid.

He could just be interested in fashion or looking for gift ideas.

How do you usually dress? Do you dress up for date nights etc?

Years ago I had a boyfriend with terrible dress sense, he always looked scruffy! He wore clashing patterns, baggy rock band tshirts and unflattering low slung jeans. I did make suggestions about clothes, as I was embarrassed to go out for dinner or to meet friends with him dressed like that! He took it on board and I helped him choose some new outfits. I found him more attractive in clothes that fitted properly and were appropriate to the occasion.

But if you already dress well and make an effort for date nights, and he keeps making unwanted suggestions (or he's suggesting you wear very sexy or very modest outfits) I'd run a mile!

He either likes clothes a bit too much or he's trying to get you to be his trophy, I'd run either way. Go, go, go!

Op. You’ll know his intentions by saying ‘no thanks I’m capeable of chiosing my own clothes

His reaction will tell you all you need to know
He will either leave it which is a good thing
Or he’ll keep ‘suggesting’ ideas

In which case you definitely should dump him

Run like your tampon string is on fire 🏃‍♀️ 🔥

So so funny. and very good advice!

Everyone here is soo judgmental when they don't know the context of the messages or anything about the relationship apart from 2 lines of text from the OP

Perhaps posters on here have had previous experience of a relationship with someone who has subtly tried to manipulate and control them with seemingly "sweet" suggestions which are actually far more insidious than they might initially look. Perhaps posters on here have seen with their own eyes the continual erosion of their personality, sense of self and their independence so commonly wrought by an emotionally abusive partner. It never begins with abusive behaviour. It never begins with overt control.

My dh is always trying to crow bar me into practical, weather resistant clothing, bastard. I'm Northern, I don't need a proper coat.

@Krouse that’s so depressing...

Everyone here is soo judgmental when they don't know the context of the messages or anything about the relationship apart from 2 lines of text from the OP

When soneone8thinks they can.tell.you how to dress after 2 months thats just a taste of things to come.
Friend had this she thought it 'sweet' at first before long she was wearing head to toe 'brown clothes' she could have borrowed off her granny and hoovering in straight lines only. He was a controlling abusive arsehole and it took.her years to get out from his control.

Everyone here is soo judgmental

Oh, the irony...

Run like your tampon string is on fire

This is terrible advice. If your tampon string is on fire, sit in water or smother it with a towel.

Tracksuit bottoms. Must be a fetish. Ditch the pervert.

I had this before. He liked women in dresses and heels and stuff. I'm a bit 'london'at the weekend (dress down, jeans, sneakers etc), after a week of dressing for work.

I said 'if that's your ideal you really should have started off with a woman who is closer to it. I am the last person in the world who's going to changer herself for a man'.
We lasted a few months longer.

Then when he wanted me to see him not my kids after a work trip abroad and I said no he said 'this just shows I care about you more than you care about me. I agreed and dumped him.
He kept hassling and stalking me for some months after that. Be warned.

You can do one of two things (well, I suppose technically you can do one of three things, the third one being to wear whatever he suggests, but I assume you don't want to do that.)

1. You can dump him.

1. You can make it clear that you are not going to be wearing what he suggests, unless it happens to be something you'd like to wear anyway, and see whether he's happy to stick around on that basis. He may well be.

People always suggest that a man who behaves like this is "controlling" but surely he's not controlling anybody unless you allow yourself to be controlled. If you make it clear you're not willing to make this sort of compromise, nobody is being controlled and he'll (potentially) learn a useful lesson about how you, if not other women, prefer to be treated.

That is so weird. My x was a controlling narcissist but even he only ever made one request ''don't wear the cullottes''. I think he didn't care too much about clothes.

No no no no no no

End it.
It is controlling.
He has an image in his head he wants you to fit
Why does he want you to look a certain way so much?
So early into your relationship- HUGE RED FLAG

End it.

It isn't innocent or unimportant. It is really worrying.

People always suggest that a man who behaves like this is "controlling" but surely he's not controlling anybody unless you allow yourself to be controlled.

The problem with being with controlling people is that you face a daily struggle not to be controlled. Not worth it.

Exactly.

Before you know it you're choosing your battles.

Before you know it, no battle seems worth it

If you make it clear you're not willing to make this sort of compromise, nobody is being controlled and he'll (potentially) learn a useful lesson about how you, if not other women, prefer to be treated.

You really think its up to op to teach a man he doesnt get to control a woman? Do reasonable men need to be taught this?

If its not the clothes dont you think he might try something else and make it sound 'reasonable' or 'sweet' then op will be 2nd guessing if its her or him thats wrong.

Not worth the effort long tetm.

Maybe he aspires for you two to be like Howard and Hilda off Ever Decreasing Circles.

It does sound a bit creepy tbh. Tracksuit bottoms!! I'd dump him for that alone.

A with regard to the "just show him you won't be controlled" comments.

Being controlling, particularly men towards women, is not a benign habit. A quirk.

It is a sign of deeper issues. Whether insecurities or the need to dominate etc. So whilst you can show him you won't be told what to wear, why would you bother? You are with someone who wants to tell you what to wear. You refuse. The behaviour will change and become something else. Maybe he will control your actions but cutting off choices and alternatives.

It is like being with an addict who no longer takes cocaine because they had a problem with it. So now they take something different or drink. The deeper dysfunction and reason for their addiction is still there.

The idea that so soon in a relationship he is (UNINVITED) asking you to change what you wear to suit his ideal IS disturbing. But more disturbing is the narrative that if you were a strong independent woman you would not Alex notice of this red flag, but instead just tell him you'll wear what you want and not pay attention to this warning sign. That somehow realising this is an alarming behavioural trait and not to continue the relationship ship is weak. And a strong woman would want to change him and give him what for.

A fool would stay in a relationship like this. Would ignore this behaviour. Not a strong woman. And it shouldn't be put upon us to heal or change dysfunctional behaviour from men or women. That is up to the individual them self.

Alex? Should be Take

Personally, I would find it a little flattering and sweet that he's thinking of me. The language is important, if it's a direction rather than a suggestion then that would seem unwelcome.