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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the working parent should also contribute to housework

119 replies

Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 14:45

Just that really.

Young family of three, father works full time and mum looks after baby full time.

Father does zero housework whatsoever because he works, mum doesn't therefore thinks she can surely do it herself.

If she doesn't then it doesn't get done

What do you think?

OP posts:

Wormzy · 25/08/2018 08:33

Bumpity It's not at all - like you said, it's what works for everyone. But on here you get attacked for suggesting it might be easy. I said being a SAHP was easy and immediately people assumed my children were NT and good sleepers and that I was healthy - none of which were true.

People who post on MN about their issues are obviously unhappy with their situation, so things should change. But that can be mindset as well as a more practical level.

Fairylea · 25/08/2018 08:35

I think all relationships are different and if she isn’t happy then her oh should help.

But - saying that- I am a sahm to two dc, one has very demanding special needs (attends complex needs school) and dh works full time and I do everything at home (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bins, gardening etc etc). To be honest it works for us, I have my own ways of how I like things done and I am a bit of a control freak and I don’t like people doing my stuff!!

I have chronic health conditions and there have been times I’ve been unable to do things wnd dh will happily step in (without me asking) and do whatever is needed without a single moan but most of the time we are very split - he works, I work at home. We both respect each other, we have equal spending money and all income is joint etc. No complaints from either of us whatsoever.

I think if a couple is happy like us then no one else should judge us for it but equally no one should feel that that’s the way it has to be!

BertrandRussell · 25/08/2018 08:42

When I was a sahp to young children, I dis all the household stuff because when he was at home I wanted him to be able to focus on the children. I would far rather he did bath and bed and spend time with them than the washing up, frankly. He earned the money, I maintained the house, we shared the children. He always cooked at the weekends, though.

Rockandrollwithit · 25/08/2018 08:44

I'm the working parent and my DH is the stay at home parent. When I'm at home we share everything 50-50.

I've been the stay at home parent during maternity leave and it's hard. We both feel like raising DC is hard work so both of us should do as much as we can.

PickAChew · 25/08/2018 11:44

I agree with the point raised last night about it not debunking the myth of his jobs and her jobs when women won't attempt basic DIY tasks.

I've unfortunately lost a lot of strength in my hands so can't do all the things I used to but that doesn't stop me from doing the lion's share of the painting and decorating, albeit slowly, and tasks like fixing a pop up sink plug when the mechanism fell apart. The only limitation that being female gave me was only just long enough arms and boobs getting in the way as I had to reach under and over the sink, simultaneously, to screw it all together. There was certainly no case of not knowing where to start because knowing about plugs is his job. Ds2 was having a meltdown because he couldn't fill the sink to wash his hands and a few photos taken with my phone, of what I needed to fix but couldn't see, and 2 minutes googling, followed by a hunt in the bins for a missing part that he'd disposed of, in his frustration, provided all the information I needed.

Tomatoesrock · 25/08/2018 12:15

Wormsy I assure you I have not made a rod for my back, DD1 aged 10 likes to play alone, likes to help clean, likes being calm. Ds1 aged 4 is horrendous, he is constant, he calls me all day, If i leave to go upstairs he is calling by the time im on the first step, he repeats himself over and over until he gets what is in his sights usually me. Some days I feel like he has taken my sanity but believe me it is not my choice he was demanding from birth, the only baby that cried the maternity ward down.

PollyPofter · 25/08/2018 13:42

Looking after a child is a full time job tbh so he should muck in

postcardsfrom · 25/08/2018 13:46

My Dp works full time, I work part-time. When we are both at home - eves, holidays, weekends - we spilt everything 50/50 pretty much.
We both cook, clean, look after kids, do activities with them, have our own hobbies. I do more 'organising' of the kids/household because am around more but that's about it.
There's no way my (female) DP would get away with doing nothing at home nor would she expect to.

seven201 · 25/08/2018 13:50

He should help, especially as she's struggling. The fact he isn't helping when she has pnd is awful.

peachgreen · 25/08/2018 13:56

My DH was off on paternity leave for 3 months as I was very ill, so he knows how hard it is being home with the baby all day. As a result he really pulls his weight, even though he's back at work. He empties the dishwasher and sterilised the bottles before work, cooks most nights, clears up after dinner and does every other night waking (she only wakes maybe 1 out of 4 nights so it's rare either of us actually has to get up). I do all the cleaning, food prep for the baby, food shopping, most of the laundry and all life admin. When he's home we split childcare 50/50.

FranticallyPeaceful · 25/08/2018 13:59

I think if you see something that needs doing and you aren’t doing anything else then you should just do it. Can’t be arsed with who should and shouldn’t do it like bickering children collecting points on each orher.
I’d never be able to respect my DP if he started acting like that

Jeezoh · 25/08/2018 14:08

I do the bulk of the household stuff because I’m at home more so I do what can reasonably done with children around. Then whatever is left is split between us and we aim for equal “downtime” at home - so he could never sit around while I’m catching up on chores etc.

peachgreen · 25/08/2018 15:08

I had severe PND, narrowly avoiding hospitalisation. There's no way I could ever describe ANYTHING from that period as "easy". It was agonising, exhausting, grinding slog and not only would work have been easier, most days I genuinely felt that death would have been easier. And that's not hyperbole for effect.

Being a SAHP is tough, but worth it. Being a SAHP with PND was the worst thing I've ever experienced.

darksideofthemooncup · 25/08/2018 16:47

My Dh is currently on the golf course whilst I am doing all the housework/ childcare. We both work but he is a lazy shit who thinks his time is far more important than mine. It's always been like this - more fool me for putting up with it. However, due to this and other issues within our relationship I am seriously considering leaving him, unfortunately I am financially stuck while my Dd is young but I'm counting down the days until I can be free. It sucks in all honesty and I wish I had had the balls to stand up for myself years ago. I guess the moral of this story is that it will only get worse the longer it goes on.

GallicosCats · 25/08/2018 16:58

My dad retired, and she no longer does his washing or ironing or picks up his stuff off the floor. He doesn't do it and it doesn't get done.

So she leaves in disgust, and another Mr Trebus is unmasked.

harshbuttrue1980 · 25/08/2018 17:33

In my view, what is important is that both people have equal time off. So, if the working parent leaves the house at 6am and doesn't get home until 6pm, then the person at home should be working at home then. With little ones, most of this will be spent looking after them, but if they are sleeping, playing alone or at nursery then those hours should be used for housework.

Most of the sahm's I know (and the 1 sahd) do the housework while their partners are at work. Most of the housework is therefore done during the week. At the weekend, both partners should chip in for things like cooking, washing up, making the bed etc.

darksideofthemooncup · 25/08/2018 18:58

I just made a comment about the fact that I have spent all day on chores on my day off. Apparently it all evens out because he pays the rent. I guess what's his is his then. FML

Shampoo0 · 25/08/2018 19:12

Are the kids young? I have been there, 3 kids 24/7, husband only wheel the bins out once a week. Now I work FT, he still doesnt know how to use the washing machine and dish washer but he does help out with emptying the bins and do things with kids so life is easier than then.

People simply have bo clue of how tiring it is looking after young kids 24/7. Her husband have a easy life in comparison to his wife.

yorkiepudsnutellaandicecream · 13/09/2018 15:38

I think asking the parent who works full time to pitch in isn't unreasonable at all.

I work 20 hours a week Monday-Thursday 5pm-10pm so my OH does Monday-Friday 8am-4pm. He thinks because he works full time it's his get out of jail free card.

I work, and have a 2 & 3 year old to look after during the day and I'm EXPECTED to have clean the house from top to bottom every day. Which I do because if I didn't we would live in a pig sty.

It is INFURIATING, that he can't even wash his dishes after dinner, or do a quick tidy up of the living room once the kids have gone to bed at 6.30 (he has a whole 3 and a half hours until I get home once the kids are in bed)

So IMO, you should lift ya weight no matter your working hours. What if they lived on their own, and worked full time, would they refuse to clean their homes because they work full time? Not likely. (I hope not anyway.) There would just be no one their to use as their skivvy.

Xxx

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