Attitudes towards teetotalers

[enbh]

As the title suggests I am teetotal. I haven't drank alcohol for almost 4 years. Yet I still get hassle almost every time I go out to a social occasion for not drinking. I have no problems with other people drinking btw, but myself and my husband don't drink.

AIBU to get a little sick of all 'only one won't hurt' and 'oh go on!'

I cannot reiterate enough that I have no judgement at all as to what others do, I drank alcohol myself for many years, I just want people to respect my decisions too.

Whenever I tell people I don't drink they look at me like I've lost my mind!! Is it really that weird?

Not read the whole thread so sorry if repeating. Am in the process of becoming sober (awaiting detox) and have to say it is probably insecurity on the part of the drinkers. I couldn't imagine going out without alcohol to talk/have a good time/function and it's taken me 20years to realise it's possible and look forward to the future. Each to their own but your friends should respect your choices and also be aware there are plenty out there who have had issues with alcohol in the past that they have chosen to deal with. Either way, questioning a person's choice is rude, and I'd hope that as they matured that they'd realise the importance of respecting life choices.

I drink, though very much less than I did when I was was younger. What hasn’t changed is my inflexible personal rule that I don’t drink at all if I am going to drive and if I have had some, I won’t drive. It’s simpler that way for me and, as I followed it when I met my DH, he knows that the ‘ “oh, can you drive after all, dear,you’ve only had a couple of glasses and I seem to have accidentally necked a bottle of wine’ “ that I have seen in other couples won’t work with me. We divide the social ( dinner/party) driving between or get a cab.

Some people seem to treat it as a challenge though - ‘ go on, one won’t hurt you ‘ . I have no problem with other people making sensible judgements about their own decision to have a glass of wine or a pint, staying within the legal limits for their own and other people’s safety , and I never make a fuss about my own preference, but I am surprised when people push at it especially as is much less publicly acceptable to drink and drive now than when I was growing up.

My OH is almost teetotal. She gets spectacularly drunk on about 4 Bacardi & cokes maybe 2-3 times a year, and that's it.

I respect her choice. If anything, I'm a bit jealous she can leave it so readily. I rarely manage more than a week without being mildly pissed.

I’m teetotal purely because I don’t like alcohol. I really really don’t like the taste of it at all. Loved it as a student but only to get drunk. And yes I get lots of comments, people are so pushy about it. I don’t force people to eat food they don’t like so I don’t know why people feel they can say the things they do about me not drinking. I don’t think people realise how rude they sound tbh

YANBU.

Wishiwasa - well done and I'm cheering you on.

I'm an alcoholic 6 years sober and I never get any pressure at all to drink. If offered a drink I'll say ooh lovely, I'll have a coke please. If someone then says, some wine maybe I'll say not for me thanks. If asked a third time I'll smile and say no thanks, I'm an alcoholic, 6 years sober.

But I just don't give a fuck because I'm so deliriously happy to be sober. I'm shocked at how few people drink to excess, I used to think everyone was as pissed as me!

It is rude to pressure or even ask for the reason but I would assume there was a reason.

Alcohol is a hugely important part of our culture and has been for thousands of years. Social life in this country revolves around alcohol.

At work we do non-alcohol based socials to try to be inclusive but most people want to get it over with so they can get down the pub for the proper social.

If you want to fit into that culture without drinking, you have to attend alcohol orientated events without the key ingredient. A party without alcohol is not a party.

By not drinking, you are miss out on a shared social experiences with others. It makes it more difficult to bond and means you are a bit of an outsider in a group of drinkers.

That is why people try to persuade you to drink because they feel you are missing out and want to include you in their group. It's also why "I don't like the taste" is not a sufficient excuse. You should try harder and learn to like it.

I view "life and soul" non-drinker with suspicion. They are impostors trying to be part of the drinking crowd when they are not. I simply don't believe you had a whale of a time at a wedding without drinking.

I'm sure you will tell me what a great time you have without alcohol but there would be a big hole in my life without it.

I like a glass of wine maybe once every few months other than that I don't drink. Alcoholic mother growing up and then my ex-husband very much put me off alcohol and its effects. I just don't tell people I don't drink to avoid the whole explaining why and the pressure to have just one. I say no thanks I'm sticking to tonic water tonight which tends to put them off pressing further. If they do press further it's 'I'm driving' or 'I'm on meds' then they don't feel judged (I don't judge) or that I'm being antisocial.

Winebottle - why would it bother you what is in someone else's glass?

Winebottle you don't get to tell me or anyone else who doesn't drink that we're not fully engaging or enjoying ourselves. You can't imagine socializing without alcohol? Great.I socialize without alcohol just fine thanks, I get as much out of it as I ever remember getting out of it back in my drinking days, more in fact, I have unclouded memories of absolute natural highs at certain events that I probably wouldn't have as clearly had I been drinking at them.

I'm not telling teetotalers anything. I'm just giving you a drinker's perspective on it which, which I think explains some of the attitudes on it.

If you have a good time without alcohol, great. I don't care whether you drink or not.

I don't like the taste of alcohol so have was never a drinker. Get told I'm boring all the time, but frankly speaking, I think I am great company, sober or no.

I'm also curious how old you are, this is something I've only witnessed with very young adults.

The answer is don't go out with these people. Personally I don't give a shit if someone drinks or not.

I don't understand why some people are saying it's becayse drinkers feel guilty or want to make themselves feel better. What's there to be guilty about? Why would you feel bad for drinking? It's perfectly legal and socially acceptable.

That attitude indicates the posters who say it think it is something to feel guilty or bad about and that's just odd.

Never been pressured, offered, said no- or yes to a soft drink and it's always left at that.

"I simply don't believe you had a whale of a time at a wedding without drinking." I think that says far more about you than me. I genuinely had a fantastic time, was first on the dance floor, last off and on the karaoke they had going too.

"but there would be a big hole in my life without it." If that's really true, you might want to seriously consider if your relationship with alcohol is a healthy one.

"a drinker's perspective" yes I suspect that's EXACTLY what we're getting from you.

"I don't understand why some people are saying it's becayse drinkers feel guilty or want to make themselves feel better. What's there to be guilty about? Why would you feel bad for drinking? It's perfectly legal and socially acceptable" if that person knows honestly within themselves that their relationship with alcohol isn't altogether a healthy one then someone out with them in a social situation where they will be drinking who isn't drinking makes them nervous, for a variety of reasons:

A sober person is more likely to notice just how much someone is drinking - alcoholics can sometimes add extra drinks for themselves when it's their round, or visiting the bar in between rounds, or get stronger drinks when it's their round, or have an extra shot while waiting at the bar for other people's drinks. Sometimes they'll volunteer to get more rounds in than they're meant to or to help whoever's round it is in order to do this.

A sober person is more likely to notice how NOT drunk an alcoholic is. How it takes more for them to get drunk.

Someone not drinking reminds them it's a choice, not compulsory this challenges their internal excuse for drinking in certain situations.

A sober person may notice an alcoholics otherwise poor behaviour - eg how they treat their partner when drunk.

A sober person having fun in a situation where they can't imagine having fun without a drink challenges their excuse of it not being possible to have fun without alcohol.

All things that alcoholics in my family have admitted to thinking/feeling/doing while in the grip of the addiction.

Bluntness you're quite right there is nothing to feel guilty about but it's surprising how many drinkers get defensive about being drinkers when another person says they don't drink. I guess they have encountered non-drinkers who are a bit judgmental and evangelistic about it. That's why I no longer say I don't drink, see, I don't care if you drink, you do you, but I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable about their perfectly acceptable behaviour so I simply say I'm not drinking on that particular occasion.

Winebottle your original post comes across as basically one long list of demands that non-drinkers should make more of an effort to get with the drinking program.

In brief 'Not liking the taste isn't an excuse, try harder, engage more, you're missing out, not bonding, I view you with suspicion''

And now you say you don't care whether we drink or not? I'm confused. Are we allowed to just do us or not?

in my experience it's those who have an issue with drink (aware of it or not) that have a problem with non-drinkers.

They express the traits of an alcoholic. Graphista has covered a lot of the reasons.

I do drink, and think they most irritating and annoying person in the room is the one who won't stop badgering non-drinkers. They are complete one story bores.

In my case just one would hurt as one is too much. I can't stop at 1.
Never could never can.
I tell people very frankly I am in recovery which shocks them as I don't think they expect such a flat out declaration.
I haven't drank for 6 years. I have survived big family get togethers and Christmas etc with no hassle from members of the family.
One night at a school function which was BYOB quiz night, I had quite a marathon "no thank you, I m on the diet coke" session with someone I didn't know.
He was relentless.
In the end I told him I was recovering. He apologised etc then didn't speak another word to me.
Not anyone else on the table.
U don't go out much anymore

I'm 34 and DH is 35, haven't drank since I was 30. The truth is I liked drinking while I drank, and realised when I had the chance to stop that I liked life more without it. Alcohol made my life worse in so many little ways that to other people are normal but to me it seemed not worth it.

I can be happy at a wedding without drinking. Didn't say I was the life and soul, but I wasn't the life and soul when I drank alcohol either. I'm quite shy and prefer reading a book to a night out!

The thing that stuck me, though, is that I had a nice enough time. I didn't need to be questioned! I've drank alcohol enough times in my life to know whether it would enhance my night out, and I honestly don't see why I have to give an explanation!

I've just had a baby so I think the wedding was just people expecting that now I 'can' drink again I should be delighted. Even if I did drink I wouldn't fancy several night time wakings with a teething baby! But again, I wouldn't ask someone why they were drinking so I find it odd that I should explain why i am not!

And work nights out are the bloody worst for it!

@Winebottle. If I don’t like the taste it’s not a sufficient excuse? I should try harder and learn to like it??? Bullshit. Your commentary on why people should drink says way more about you than about a non drinker. You may want to get some help with your problem.

My husband and I very rarely drink. If I choose to have a drink it’s usually something fruity, frosty and with an umbrella. For not drinking, my husband has been gossiped about on his job. Rumor has it that he is an alcoholic in recovery. People just can’t conceive of the fact that someone might choose not to drink.

I could count on my fingers the times I’ve drink alcohol in my life but I don’t feel badgered into drinking.

I grew up around alcohol and alcoholics, have lost one family member to alcohol and very nearly lost a second, so I’ve always been aware of the downsides and being drunk has never appealed to me.

My husband doesn’t drink much either because he feels he got that out of his system in his late teens/early twenties and he doesn’t need it to enjoy himself any more.

Also, we prefer to take our car and neither of us would drive if we’d had even the tiniest amount of alcohol. I believe the legal limit for driving should be zero but that’s a whole different conversation!

I do feel sad that a lot of people believe they couldn’t possibly enjoy a night out without alcohol. I know of a woman in her 50s who felt her social life was over the day she started on medication that doesn’t mix with alcohol - she became quite depressed and it made me wonder how many people have lost the ability to have fun without a substance to boost them. It’s like they’ve lost faith in their own personality...?

The only big downside for us is people always assume we are happy to provide a free taxi service as we won’t be drinking!! We do have to be firm with CFs!

We have had people ask us if we’ve had a problem with drink in the past but mortify we don’t feel badgered into drinking.

My husband doesn’t drink. He just doesn’t like it. He gets weird looks all the time and I think people think he must be a recovering alcoholic which he is not!

I drink, but certainly dont have a problem with anyone that does not. One of my closest friends does not touch a drop and is great fun at any night out or whatever.

However I do know someone who does not drink and she looks down her nose at those who do, the sly digs of how many bottles of wine have been drink at a party/dinner and by whom and nasty snide comments to her DH who has had a drink and is enjoying himself, now that really does annoy me. Dont need her to police what I am drinking, I know when I have had enough, or not!.

Fwiw I seem to be at an age now where I've been invited to quite a few weddings/ hen do/ big birthdays and these are the situations where I've encountered the most hostility. Mainly from tipsy/drunk people I don't know very well! Whatever my reasons for not drinking, I find it baffling that I should hand over my life story to a virtual stranger! It wouldn't be expected in any other setting I can think of.

Also, for my work we do a lot of networking type events where alcohol is involved.

I agree there is nothing to feel guilty about for those who choose to drink, but I don't want to feel judged for not wanting to rush to the bar either!

@Todamhottosay ugh those people are even worse tbh...I understand that mentality even less. Live and let live! If someone wants a drink to have fun then that's absolutely up to them.

Really interesting thread. Completely agree with @notsohippychick about it being the people who have unhealthy relationships with alcohol that will often be the ones that pressure you. A friend of mine who is most definitely an alcoholic is like this.

I don't drink a lot at all but I'm not teetotal. Have drunk less and less over the years since lots of binge drinking in my early 20s. I feel better for not drinking. Hangovers suck and also even a glass of wine seems to effect my physical performance if I run or work out the next day.

I find the pressuring thing odd as someone who doesn't drink could be an alcoholic or have medical reasons so why would you pressure them!

It's really a shame so much social stuff revolves around alcohol. I personally do find going out for hours on end at bars boring if you aren't drinking at all. There's only so much soda water one can drink! I usually have 2 drinks max though.