Attitudes towards teetotalers

[enbh]

As the title suggests I am teetotal. I haven't drank alcohol for almost 4 years. Yet I still get hassle almost every time I go out to a social occasion for not drinking. I have no problems with other people drinking btw, but myself and my husband don't drink.

AIBU to get a little sick of all 'only one won't hurt' and 'oh go on!'

I cannot reiterate enough that I have no judgement at all as to what others do, I drank alcohol myself for many years, I just want people to respect my decisions too.

Whenever I tell people I don't drink they look at me like I've lost my mind!! Is it really that weird?

Meh. I'm not teetotal but if I don't feel like drinking, then I don't. And I don't explain it to anyone. Just say thank you, but I fancy juice, or coke or just a glass of water

Great thread. I've recently given up alcohol (medical reasons...interacts with medication, likely to be long-term). Not had any problems with pressure so far...perhaps because people know I've been unwell? I thought it would be hard but I'm not missing it at all, and I used to drink most days.

I've not drank alcohol since I was 18 when I was pregnant with my first child. I'm now 33, I also just drink water (no tea/coffee/fizzy etc) plus I'm vegan so yeah people do tend to avoid me

I'm teetotal, don't get much a response but I never go out to social occasions that surround drinking, so probably avoid all the coercion. However because of that I rarely get invited, work place people will chat about up coming nights out ect. I've just accepted it as par for the course

I was just talking about this the other day.

I don’t drink and get some strange reactions. It seems more acceptable nowadays to get totally trashed than not to drink.

I find people wear their latest episode of drunken behaviour like a badge of honour.

I wish I could bring you all into my social life! In the States it was maybe half and half in terms of who drank and who didn’t. I have family members that don’t drink at all, some who drink a lot, and those in between. My friends are like that too and no one cares if someone is drinking or not. I’d say that even those who drink don’t do so heavily.

I have found that the people I meet here in the UK tend to drink more, but I still have friends here who are teetotal.

Most people are absolutely fine with it. I just wonder why people who choose not to drink are almost viewed as hostile or untrustworthy and going out and getting black out drunk is celebrated!
Surely it's the wrong way round, if anything?!
Each to their own...just want to be able to enjoy my lime and soda without the Spanish inquisition!

Crossed post @heartshapedfairylights but totally agree!

I assume people not drinking are doing for it a reason. Bit like not eating carbs or milk etc. I don't ask but I do note the reasons people give. I think " not liking the taste" is bollocks because alcoholic drinks don't taste the same. A blanket " I don't drink" makes them sound sanctimonious. "I'm in recovery " or "pregnant" or "on medication " are valid. "I'm on a diet " us the one I'm currently using ( honestly) and they one that people take least seriously.

I don't think it's unreasonable that people might question your not drinking at a wedding or on a night out. Having a drink is what's expected surely ( even if it's just to toast the couple). Not sure why everyone seems to assume the two choices are drink to excess or teetotal. It's possible to have just a glass or two,

American drinking habits are primarily linked to prohibition. More liquor less beer. You couldn’t get a strong liquor drink in the uk like you can in the us. We are stuck on measures.
And the uk drinks less than most European countries

But aside from all of that, I have many friends who don’t drink. Would never question it.
Who are you hanging out with? 22 year olds?

I've never drunk alcohol. I don't like the taste of any of it. I eat any food but only drink tea and water as that doesn't make me gag (I'm actually completely normal irl!!). I don't get invited out much because I don't drink and people are always trying to find the 'drink I'll love'. Really!

I dodge alcohol a lot. Not because I don’t drink but because I can’t stand hangovers/tiredness the day after. At work functions mid-week I just get a glass and don’t drink it.

@lowtide

But aside from all of that, I have many friends who don’t drink. Would never question it. Who are you hanging out with? 22 year olds?

This.

I drink alcohol, but if I'm out with people and ask if they want a drink when I'm going to the bar and they either decline or ask for a soft drink, then that's grand. I would never question people's choices.

I'm vegetarian: that would be like somebody asking me if I wasn't sure I wanted a steak when I ordered halloumi.

I've always found non-drinkers to be sanctimonious bores who always deflate the atmosphere

Funny, I find a lot of drinkers are incredibly boring and are the ones that ruin an atmosphere with their ridiculous, drunken behaviour.

OP - if someone incessantly tries to force me to have a drink when I've said I don't drink, I now say, "I've told you already that I don't drink. Please stop trying to force alcohol onto me, I can have a good time without it". Then I never go out with them again. Real friends don't give a shit if you drink or not.

We discussed this in work recently. The general consensus was that some people who drink try and force it upon those who don't because it makes them feel better about their own drinking if other people drink too. I guess it's a guilt thing.

I rarely drink these days, I have always been a lightweight, but obviously the less I drink then the more it affects me when I do. So even a couple now and it affects me, even the next day. I don't sleep properly, have a headache (which I get a lot anyway) and I do feel very down all the next day. I also work in an environment where I see people shitfaced regularly.
However I used to have a reputation for being a bit of a boozer, and self medicated my way to a breakdown when I had PND so when I don't drink at an event, I get the 🤨 look, I ignore it. I don't care if others want to get drunk, if I want a drink I'll have one, if I don't I won't, I'm an adult and I'll decide. And I only (deliberately) get 'sanctimonious and boring' when someone feels the need to become ' pushy and annoying' - because then they fuck off and leave me alone

I never drunk, but I have never experienced that. My parents have and my husband has, but I haven't. When I was in my early 20 I regularly went out with friends drinking but of course never actually drank myself. Now I'm in my mid thirties and I have a different group of friends, we all go out about once a month, even come over to mine, all involved lots of alcohol and no one has ever made me feel bad or encouraged me to drink. If there is ever an impromptu night out I am always invited. It's not like I'm designated driver or anything either. I have always felt embraced despite not drinking. I tend to be up for anything with maybe helps but otherwise no idea why they all put my with sober me.

In comparison, my parents who don't drink for religious reasons have regularly not been invited to things and afterwards someone has said something like "oh you wouldn't feel comfortable" when it's not the case, I kind of understand that from both sides, but equally seems crap that friends would no invite someone just because they don't drink.

My husband has experienced similar, especially at work, a very male dominated industry and there is just an expectation to drink and it's weird if you don't. Every night out is centred around alcohol. They won't even eat so there is more money for booze and while that wouldn't bother me, for him it seems like a waste plus there is a lot of comments from his colleagues that he doesn't.

So, no I haven't experienced it but my family certainly has. It's weird in a changing world where not everyone does drink for various reasons. Also, I find it funny friends don't like be buy rounds for them, which I don't mind doing occasionally, they usually refuse to let me, but will often buy me a drink, which I keep refusing as my drinks are frequently MORE than theirs! Also, lots of bars look at you like you have two heads of you try to order a mocktail, even from their own menus, they usually don't know how and end up saying they can make this or that 😂.

Sheworeblue - why do you think people owe you an explanation? It's none of your business why! It's also not harming you if they choose not to drink at certain occasions.

I don't drink now as can't on my meds, but have never been a big drinker and have had frequent, fun nights out where I chose not to drink. In fact, I was having so much fun, myself and at times my exh were disbelieved as to my sobriety (one time was at a wedding when I was in early stages of pregnancy but not telling anyone yet, when we later did we had a variety of reactions from "😱 but you were so drunk at that wedding" to "oh so you really were sober at that wedding". I have one side of my family stuffed full of addicts inc alcohol & drugs, so I'm very aware of those issues.

I'm not hurting or even annoying anyone. It's nobody's business if I do/don't drink except on the very odd occasion where rounds are involved and the people buying need to know what to order (no different than with those drinking except they're ordering me soft drinks).

There's any number of reasons people don't drink, some of which are highly personal and private. Acquaintances/new friends don't need to know that the anti-depressants I'm on mean I can't drink alcohol. Nor do such people need to know about my alcoholic father!

At one point I had a friend who couldn't drink as following a serious assault where she sustained a head injury, alcohol made her quite nauseous and have her migraines. That's not something someone wants to get into either.

Personally I've found the type of drinkers who describe non-drinkers as "sanctimonious bores" tend to have issues with alcohol themselves, it's a deflection.

I agree that expecting an explanation is very odd/entitled and there should never be an expectation that one should drink alcohol. No reason why you can’t toast with a soft drink. Drinking alcohol is not the automatic default for all of society! And that whole, “you can just have one!” attitude is the one I encounter most frequently and that pisses me off the most. Yes. I can just have one. But I have no desire to and don’t see why I should have to to make someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries feel better about the fact THEY are drinking. A fact I really genuinely don’t give a flying fuck about!

I don't drink alcohol for several reasons, and nobody seems to be that interested whether I drink or not.

It gives me a raging upset stomach and I feel peculiar even after one or two mouthfuls. Don't know why, it crept up on me over several years.

Because it makes me feel ill so quickly it has been like aversion therapy and I've been put off.

Because I drive a lot, and am regularly the nominated driver.

And after nearly 20 years of hardly ever drinking more than the odd sip, I don't really miss it all that much anyway.

It can be a right nuisance when eating out because it is used in such a lot of dishes, especially in main course sauces, and in desserts. Bit of a bugger really, but there you go. At least I can still eat chocolate

For some reason it's always on work nights out and it's always colleagues who pressure me to drink. Eventually I snapped and told them I don't drink because I'm a reformed alcoholic (I'm not) but that yeah go on one wouldn't hurt. The look of panic as they back-peddled frantically was well worth it. They've never pressured me again.

The main reason is that alot of drinkers feel uncomfortable around a non-drinker for different reasons of their own - there is a comforting solidarity in knowing that if you are getting drunk you are doing it with others accompanying you down the same hole; they feel judged by the non-drinker; they are worried that they will get a bit drunk and disinhibited and the non-drinker will remember everything. These types of things.

I've found that if you don't make a song and dance about it people don't really notice what you drink particularly if you take small steps to disguise what you are drinking.

If everyone is at a party drinking wine out of wine glasses, they will notice bright orange juice in a straight sided glass and water the same. If you are holding a wine glass with water in it, they just see the glass and don't mentally clock it any further.

If you are in pub, ask for a slice of lemon or lime in water or tonic - if anyone asks just lie and say it is a gin and tonic - same for coke - vodka and coke.

You shouldn't have to lie but it just smooths the path I find and avoids all that irritating just have one.

Its rude to pressure non drinkers into drinking and shows their insecurities - some people get defensive of their own actions when others take a different path.

There's something to the social/ cultural expectations of a night out though, and drinking is (sadly?) the agreed and normalised social lubricant. So when people offer you a drink they're also including you and being what they think is friendly so if you say a flat "no" it might become awkward as that's not the usual script. If you say "no thanks, but I'll have a xx [non boozey drink]" or offer another similarly positive response you might avoid the above awkwardness. I know you're comfortable, but others might not be in that situation. As you know you're unfortunately not the norm, so it might take a bit of extra work from you to show it's a perfectly fine way to have a fun night out.

And for those who pressure you or spike your drink, they can do one.

That wasn't meant to be a 💐, was meant to say "non boozy drink" in brackets.. mumsnet fail..

YANBU

I do drink alcohol but respect other people’s decision not to and would never try and persuade them, or assume they were ‘boring’ because they didn’t drink.

It’s very rare that I drink and I get the same. I find it most annoying from my mother as she has a glass of wine most evenings.
I don’t judge people for drinking but my brother is an alcoholic and I saw him spiral, so the idea of people having a drink for the sake of it just makes me feel weird - not judgy weird, more like concerned weird. I don’t see the point. Of course I don’t vocalise any of this and usually just get a lemonade and lime and pretend it has gin in it if they get too naggy about it.